Happy New Year in advance!
Reflected
"You've hardly changed, mother."
"I beg your pardon?" T'Pol hasn't heard it right. It's not possible.
The stranger who claims to be Enterprise's Captain and to be called Lorian doesn't answer. His stance is calm with a slight cockiness. The crewman sitting next to him — who has a bizarre resemblance to a Denobulan — shrugs sheepishly.
T'Pol looks directly in Lorian's eyes to search for any sign of falsehood. There is something in his gaze… She turns toward Trip to see his reaction.
That's when it hits her.
Lorian and Trip have the same eyes. The same colour, the same shape and even the same fiercely intelligent quality.
T'Pol feels her life turn upside-down.
"Lorian says we're going to be married in a traditional Vulcan ceremony."
Yes, apparently Lorian has said a lot of things and Trip is telling T'Pol all of them.
"It's going to take me weeks to learn to pronounce the vows. You know where we're going to have our honeymoon?"
T'Pol shakes her head no. She doesn't want to hear more. Obviously Trip doesn't understand her gesture.
"Cargo bay three," he says. "I'll fill it up with sand that we dug up from a passing asteroid. I'm even supposed to…" He laughs. "I'm even supposed to manufacture a palm tree."
What really bothers T'Pol is how he's talking about those things as if they are the future instead of a future.
"It's ridiculous to assume those events are going to happen." Then she changes of subject: "Pass me the potatoes."
Trip hands her the bowl. His face is sombre. "What's up with you?"
"I want more of them."
"Don't sidestep. Why are you acting like this?"
"How?"
"You don't talk about our guests. You don't talk to them either, if you can avoid it. It's like their mere presence makes you ill or something."
"I don't think an acquaintance with them is a good idea. It could contaminate our temporal thread."
She has heard more than enough since the moment she found out Trip was dead in that errant Enterprise. She hasn't slept since.
"Is that the reason or is it what they talk about?" Trip pressures on. "The possibilities are mind-blowing. You and I married, having a child…"
And one day Trip dying and leaving T'Pol alone. Doesn't he see it? Doesn't he notice how awful that possible future is? Doesn't he realize that she wants to avoid that probability with all her will?
"It has to freak you out, doesn't it?" he asks, his pain pouring from each word like hot tea. "I bet marrying with me was the last thing you ever expected."
Apparently he's as dense as a drunk Andorian.
"That has nothing to do with it," she answers.
"Riiiight… Of course. I could see the warm glint in your eyes when I talked about us."
"Our counterparts." She begins to feel slightly irritated.
"Can't you even think about the possibility?" he asks.
"To what purpose?"
Deep, deep down she knows those weren't the best words.
He stares at her, dumbfounded. "I can't believe it…" He throws his napkin on the table. He's really angry. "Is the thought of a life with me so disgusting?"
T'Pol doesn't answer. His suggestion offends her as a woman, as a Vulcan and as a sentient being. Of course, he misunderstands her silence and he strides to the exit.
She stays there for a long time and meditates about his last question and the answer it deserves.
What she can't stand is a life without him.
Trip is stroking Porthos' soft fur. Now he understands why Jon wanted the pet with him: the beagle's company is soothing.
You can talk to him, too. That's entertaining.
"She's a heartless woman. She's afraid of us, of us as a couple. Can you believe it?" The little dog does a quick nod, as if he understands him. "And now the other Enterprise has disappeared. She has to be glad about that. But I'll tell you something: I'm not going to be the one to give in this time. Oh, no, she will have to come here and talk to me, because I'm not going to go to her."
The truth is he isn't really as confident as he seems. T'Pol can be very stubborn and aside from their professional encounters, they haven't talked much.
He misses her. But he isn't going to make the first move this time. No. Definitely not. No way.
Will she be in her cabin?
Just when he is playing with the idea of paying a visit, someone rings at the door. Probably Rostov with the latest reports.
To his amazement, it's T'Pol. Porthos flees the cabin like a bat out of hell.
"Can I come in?"
Trip lets her in. He follows her, trying to look cool and composed. She seems all those things without even pretending it. Something, however, is gnawing at her. Trip can feel it. "Did you want something, Cap'n?"
T'Pol looks at him out of the corner of her eye. She is irritated by his behaviour. "No, nothing in particular," she replies at last.
"Any sign of the other Enterprise?"
"No," she informs him uncomfortably.
"When are we going to meet Degra's ship?" He doesn't want to sound callous, but he knows he does.
"In about two hours. That's why I've been able to come here."
Trip nods but doesn't reply. He doesn't open his mouth. It's her move.
"I need to speak with you. In fact, I think a talk between us is a priority," she says at last.
"How so?"
"Our meeting with an alternate Enterprise has had repercussions for us."
"No kidding. Our kid tried to destroy our ship." Trip has a theory why Lorian could act so ruthlessly, but he isn't going to tell her. He's fond of his legs.
"What I was referring to," T'Pol goes on, "were the repercussions for our relationship, and specifically for your attitude towards it."
"My attitude?"
"I'm not the one who has decided to be angry. You have to admit that these last days have affected you."
Trip rubs his mouth with his palm. It takes all his self-control to not start shouting. "These last couple of days have opened my eyes to some things, that's for sure," he says viciously.
"Meaning?"
"Well, you obviously aren't going to consider the possibility of a serious relationship with me unless there's no exit and I'm your last resort."
T'Pol's stare is long and full of incredulity. "This is why I thought your acquaintance with them was a bad idea," she murmurs.
"You're totally freaked out by the possibility of a future marriage with me."
T'Pol sighs, exasperated. "I am not 'freaked out,' as you say."
"Of course you are, you get this blank face when I talk about them."
"I simply think that believing their example is the best we can follow isn't as good as you think."
"Why the hell not?"
"Because her Trip is dead." There is a pause. She seems slightly embarrassed by her own words, and Trip is too surprised to reply.
T'Pol's gaze wanders, not focusing on him. She has her fists closed, her knuckles white. She opens and closes her mouth several times, but no word comes out. And she shivers, as if there is something bigger than her trying to burst out.
Trip extends his arms to embrace her, but she steps back quickly, almost defensively. "Every time you talk about them, it provokes in me a negative physical reaction," she manages to say under her breath.
"It hurts you," he translates.
"Yes."
"But I wasn't talking about them to make you—"
"I know, but the effect is the same." She averts her eyes again. Trip knows she does it every time that her emotions are too powerful to deal with them properly. "There are things that preoccupy me. I don't usually talk about the Captain or Sim, I never mention our relative life spans. There are things I don't mention, because they remind me of the irreversibility of the end. And I don't want, I don't need such a warning."
Trip waits for her to continue. He knows she must reason it out, that this is how she makes her way through troubling situations.
"As you know, I'm not a very… social person. I'm quite solitary, even by Vulcan standards." She gazes at him for a second, almost shyly. "I don't have many close acquaintances and some of those… they died. In some ways, that has influenced my behaviour."
"Death is difficult for everybody, T'Pol."
"No, it's different for you Humans. When I said I envied you and your way of dealing with such strong emotions, I was sincere. I can't do that. Vulcans don't only deal with the death of a close person for a short time after it happens. We deal with it all our lives. And if you die when you are young, when I still have many years to live… it will be painful for all those many years."
The entire situation is painful, Trip notices. And he discovers suddenly that, for all he likes listening to her real feelings and worries, it's a double-edged sword. Should they go on, even if that hurts her?
"Do you want to end this?" he offers, although his heart pinches at the idea of not touching her skin anymore.
"No," she answers, categorically.
"You're not just doing this for my sake, are you?"
T'Pol arches a brow. Trip winces. Does an invisible gnome live inside his brain just to make him say such stupid things?
"I assure you, I'm not doing this for your pleasure solely. As you said once, there are two people in this dance."
Trip laughs nervously. There is something unsettling about T'Pol's perfect memory. "Well, that's true. Lorian told me he saw his parents dance once."
T'Pol throws him a disgruntled look. "You talk too much about them."
"I wasn't trying to make you feel—"
"I realize that." She approaches him. Her stare is so fixed that he feels uncomfortable. "I suspect you use them as a proof against me. As a way to erase any doubt I might have regarding us. Do you think I have doubts?"
There is a part of his brain shouting to him 'Don't tell her!' almost hysterically. He ignores it. "Maybe, a little."
She raises her hand and caresses his jaw. It's becoming a common gesture for her. "I don't have any doubt about this. I'm with you because I want to be. We are together because we want to be. Both of us. I can't talk about the future, but for now, I have no desire to end what we have. I don't need any parallel ship or universe or even any historical data telling me that there was a Human/Vulcan relationship before ours. It doesn't affect me and it shouldn't affect you. What happened or could happen is immaterial to us. This is our reality, Trip, the one we create by our decisions. That's the only thing that should concern us."
And this, he thinks, it's the most incredible declaration of love he has ever received. T'Pol can be very romantic, for a Vulcan. Trip smiles, unsure how to respond. Anything he could say somehow seems vacuous in comparison.
T'Pol stops stroking him and looks melancholy. Trip suspects he knows why.
"But don't you wonder what happened to other Enterprise?" he asks.
"Since they changed history and we didn't go back to the past, I assume their reality never happened and thus they don't exist anymore." She frowns, just a little. "However, that we can remember them perplexes me."
"Maybe… Maybe the memory will fade as time goes by."
"Yes, that is possible," she says.
Trip cracks a small smile. She's so good-hearted sometimes.
He takes her face in his hands and caresses her cheeks with his thumbs. An uncomfortable longing fills the atmosphere.
"It may sound stupid, but I'll miss them," he confesses.
T'Pol doesn't make a sarcastic remark, she doesn't contradict him, she doesn't argue with him; she just nods. Trip bends down to her and kisses her softly, almost with reverence. They languidly explore each other's mouths, trying to cope with that inexplicable feeling of loss. They kiss for the past they never had, for the memories they never created, for the family they never built. And when all that melancholy has passed by them and through them, they can face it at last, and make love for the present they have and for the future that will come.
