"Intentions"

Prompt- Hinata and bad habits.


The first time she had ever taken a life she had been seven and she had cried for hours afterwards.

~O~

"Happy Birthday Hanabi! Open this basket first." The housekeeper grinned and patted a medium sized basket that was wrapped in paper. Hinata noticed that there were already little holes and tears in the paper, Hanabi didn't seem to notice though and tore into the basket without a second thought.

There were other children here and they were all smiling. They were out in the garden, next to the koi pond and it was a beautiful day. All the trees were starting to bloom and on a table nearby was a large white cake and bowls of fruit and a pitcher of lemonade. It was always too cold for her birthdays to be outside. It was also too soon after Christmas, her birthdays didn't compare to Hanabi's or even Neji's when it was so hot out.

Hinata sighed, she wished her birthday could have been this happy. Her own party had been a gloomy clan affair, a brief mention after a meeting. It had been cold and snowy that day. One of the few gifts she had received had been a hair comb from a branch member; she had been told with disdain later by Neji-nii-san that he was a distant cousin and that his own little girl had died in the branding ceremony. He had told her that the little girl had been her age, that she had gone into shock and her organs had failed. She couldn't bring herself to wear that hair comb, it sat on a little cushion on her dresser. She looked at it every morning.

A high pitched squeal brought her attention back to the present. The blue and white wrapping paper had been torn away from the basket and a tail of the ribbon tied to the handle draped endearingly over the head of the cutest little kitten she had ever seen. It's fur was a caramel color and one black spot covered it's left eye. It had a few brownish-black stripes on it's back and tail, it was the perfect little kitten. It yawned and it's tiny pink tongue curled past it's tiny white teeth, then it batted at the ribbon with it's tiny caramel paw. She wanted that kitten.

Hanabi squealed again and hugged it tightly to her chest. It didn't seem fair at all that Hanabi got a party, got all these happy faces, got this kitten and all she had gotten was the hair comb of a dead girl that she had to feel guilty about everyday. It wasn't fair. Why did Hanabi get everything and all she got were bitter looks and reminders of dead people? It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair!

"Now, now, dear. Be careful with that, it's still just a little baby. It's delicate. If you aren't careful it could get hurt," Hanabi loosened her tight clutch on the kitten and lowered it a little so she could look at it better. "Have you picked a name for it yet, dear?"

Hanabi's eyes were still large with wonder as she stroked the kitten's head with a single finger. "I want to name it... Name it... What should I name it Onii-san? I want it to be a good name!"

Hinata looked at her sister and then looked at the kitten. A good name? What would be a good name?

"You should name it... "Kyandi" because it's fur looks like caramel!"

Hanabi giggled and danced around in a circle with the little kitten held tightly to her chest once more, "Kyandi! Kyandi! Kyandi! I've got a kitten named Kyandi!"

Hinata's feelings of happiness and pride for naming the kitten dissipated in a matter of seconds. Even if she had named the kitten it still wasn't hers. She frowned and picked at the grass beneath her feet. She didn't see what was so great about a stupid kitten anyways. There were cats all over Konoha and she bet most of them looked twice as good as Kyandi! Oh who was she kidding, she just wanted a kitten too. She threw a handful of grass to the ground in front of her and sighed.

Hanabi had passed around the kitten and opened all her other gifts when the housekeeper told them that it was time for dessert and with a cheer all the other kids ran towards the picnic tables and began to chatter amongst themselves. The housekeeper was helping Hanabi to carefully cut her cake into reasonably sized pieces.

Hinata found herself alone with the kitten. She didn't want the cake, and she didn't care about the lemonade. How lucky was it that she was the last in the circle to get the kitten? She felt it's soft fur, felt it's tiny heart beat, heard it's quiet, little breaths. It was perfect. Hanabi wouldn't mind if she borrowed it for a little while. She was too busy eating her cake and laughing with another little boy. She picked up the kitten and made sure nobody was watching her, nobody seemed to notice that she hadn't gone with them and for once she was ok with that.

Looking around once more, she waited for both Hanabi's and the housekeeper's backs to be turned away from her before she ran away to the other side of the koi pond.

It was a large pond, but actually it was more like a very small lake. She liked it here. With the kitten in her lap she listened to the bugs chirring in the grass and the occasional splash as a koi's fin broke the surface of the water. The kitten began to purr. Today wasn't so bad after all. She sat there contentedly for a while before she began to get bored. She looked down at the kitten, it had gotten mud on it's paw. That wouldn't do. So laying on her stomach on the bank of the pond she dabbled the kitten's front paws in the water.

This was fun. The little kitten meowed loudly and she paused. Looking up she watched to see if anybody had noticed. She didn't see anything and she didn't hear anything so she began to play with the kitten again. She splashed it's front paws, the splashes got it's neck wet. She wetted it's back. It thrashed a bit but she just tightened her grip.

Holding the kitten in one hand she used the other to take her shoes off and roll up the cuffs of her pants. She didn't want her clothes to get too wet or dirty after she'd played in the pond. Her father didn't take to kindly to any fault on her part. The water was cool on her skin and she waded a little further. The water was now past her ankles. It was nice. She sat on her heels and put the kitten into the water, keeping a hand on it's back. It was mewling and trying to paddle it's tiny kitten body back to shore but she stopped it. She waded out further and further until the water came past her knees, she could feel the kitten shivering and paddling desperately for the shore but she wouldn't let it. She was having too much fun and she never had any fun, she wanted to keep playing.

What was the worst that could happen? She'd be scolded whether she didn't something bad or not. Her Father always found something wrong with her lately. That wasn't fair either. What made Neji so much better? Why did he have to look at her different then Hanabi? It didn't make any sense and she didn't want to care. She'd do what she wanted for once. Angrily she pushed the kitten out into deeper water but it's legs weren't kicking as quickly as they had before. Something was wrong...

The kitten was sinking! Hinata began to panic, what was she going to do? This was all her fault! She had to save it! She tried to climb on top of the water but she sank and began to thrash herself. This wasn't fun at all! Where did the kitten go? She couldn't swim. This was all her fault. This was all her fault and she knew better! It wasn't her kitten, it was Hanabi's and the housekeeper had said that it was just a baby, it was delicate. If it was hurt what would she do?

She paddled frantically around that side of the pond. Her strokes were uneven, inefficient. She was tired and scared. She didn't like it at all and she still couldn't find the kitten. She tried to swim out deeper and the bottom of the pond fell out from beneath her feet. She could feel herself sinking, and her arms were already so, so tired. The water splashed over her head and she tried kicking towards the light, towards the surface. She couldn't breath. The water was going into her nose and it was getting harder and harder to get to the surface to breathe again. How much time had gone by? It felt like hours. She kept trying to paddle her arms like she had seen Neji-ni-san do in his training but she was tired and her head hurt and her chest hurt.

She felt her hand brush something soft in the the water, she grabbed it and clung to it desperately before letting out a strangled cry. She couldn't do it any longer. It was too hard. She began to cry and sink when she felt light again.

Opening her eyes she saw the housekeeper peering intently into her face. "Hinata-sama are you alright? Talk to me honey, tell me you're alright."

Hinata tried to say she was fine but instead all that came out was a painful cough and a mouthful of water. It seemed to be enough though. The housekeeper squeezed her tightly and groaned. "Lord have mercy I'd thought you'd gone and drowned yourself. You know better then to do something like that! What in god's name possessed you to do such tomfoolery? For heaven's sake child! What would I have told your Father should you have gone and got yourself killed?"

She was very cold despite the sun being high in the sky. She shivered and tried to get closer to the housekeeper. She was so dumb, why had she done something so stupid?

"What have you got there, Hinata-sama?"

Hinata opened her hands and a bedraggled lump of fur rolled out and onto her stomach. The housekeeper gasped.

"Hinata-sama! Why would you do such a thing on Hanabi's birthday and with her gift? Give it here and let's see what the damage is."

Hinata sneezed, she didn't understand what the housekeeper was saying. What gift?

When the housekeeper sighed it all came back to her and she felt the tears well once more in her eyes. "Is it ok?"

"Honey, this is why we don't play in dangerous places with babies, especially when they don't belong to you. Hinata, the kitten is dead. It drowned."

"W-what?"

"It drowned honey. It's dead."

The housekeeper had brought her into the compound and set her on a chair in the kitchen, close to the fire, but it didn't help she was cold on the inside now. She felt sick. She had killed it. She had killed the kitten. She was a monster!

"Now you sit tight, I'll go get you some towels, maybe a blanket and then we'll get you all settled with a nice, hot mug 'o tea. That sounds good doesn't it?"

She was gone before she could reply. She had killed it, she had been stupid and now it was dead. It was all her fault. All her fault. If she hadn't been jealous it would have still been here, she would still be able to play with it and she wouldn't have to face Hanabi. She felt numb inside.

She felt numb and she couldn't stop crying.

"I-I'm sorry. So so-sorry. It's all-all my fault. All m-m-my fault."

~O~

Hanabi never found out she had killed her kitten. The housekeeper had told her that it had run away while Hinata had been playing with it and that they'd get her a new kitten if they couldn't find the old one. Hanabi hadn't understood when Hinata had come to her sobbing about how it was all her fault. "It was just lost, nothing to cry about, it's ok Onii-san, you don't have to cry, it's not your fault." Her sister consoling her had only made her cry harder.

She buried that kitten under her window, next to the hyacinths. Only later did she come to learn what they represented, and the irony had come to keep her guilt company. She never forgot how easy it was to snuff out a life, how she had felt before and after. The numb pain, the guilt, and the knowledge that her carelessness had made her a monster.

The stutter never seemed to go away after that. Every word made her remember. She didn't want to forget either. She never wanted to kill again. She would work harder so that she never would have to fold and kill. That if she was stronger she wouldn't have to compromise. If she was stronger then she could stop mindless killing and pain.

That kitten was still under her window, buried in a pathetic cardboard box.

She never wanted to forget. She never wanted to be jealous or thoughtless or impatient again and every time she was she would remember that pain again. How that kitten hadn't lived because of her.

She was a horrible person and that at least was impossible to forget.