"I don't understand what's happening. Are we broken up?"
Lauren read the message from Bo and deleted it. As soon as she did another text pinged.
"I'm sorry it was a mistake. I was stupid and selfish."
Delete.
"Please talk to me."
Delete. Her phone buzzed in her hand.
"Can I come over?"
Delete.
Her cell rang. She ignored it, rolling her eyes at Bo's name on the screen. A minute later another text appeared.
"Tell me you are okay, at least. Please."
Delete.
"So, what happened?" Dyson asked, sitting down next to Lauren.
With her head down, Lauren shrugged, not wanting to talk about things right then.
From a young age, Lauren would experience a numbness that would set in when she wanted to shut something out. She could visualize wrapping the anger, the hurt plaguing her into a tight bundle, locking it away. At certain points in her life, she could allow her mind to remove the emotion from a situation, suppress the despondency. It was a numbness that served to detach her. She welcomed the nothingness, the cool abyss. So, after catching Bo cheat on her, she didn't feel angry, or sad, or disappointed, only numb. She felt nothing; it was easier. It made her calmer, more in control.
Frowning, Dyson studied Lauren's face. His expression creased with concern. "It's been three days are you going to tell me anything? I don't mind you staying here but…" He trailed off, hoping she'd fill in the details for him.
At that, Lauren brought her gaze up to Dyson. Without answering, she threw her hair into a messy bun.
"Well?" He questioned, with a puzzled look.
Lauren jumped up from the sofa and stared into Dyson's eyes. "Let's go out. Dance, drink. I want to have some fun." She said, deleting three messages from Bo, before shoving her phone into her pocket.
Dyson shifted back, surprised by her sudden declaration. "Is that really what you need?" He asked, he sounded worried. He scrutinized her face, noting the sleepless lines below her eyes. She looked worn down and tired, which was nothing new, but he saw the sadness underneath.
"Yes, it's what I need," Lauren tried to convince Dyson as much as herself. In truth, she didn't know what she needed or wanted.
"Why are you protecting, Bo? What did she do?"
Lauren's jaw tightened, and she swallowed. "She cheated on me," She paused, letting the information sink in, "and I don't want to talk about it okay? I don't want to think about her. I've got nothing more to say about it."
Seemingly unaffected by Lauren's statement, Dyson cocked his head. "How do you know that?"
Lauren pressed her lips together as she processed Dyson's question. "Oh, I don't know, maybe it's because I showed up at her apartment and caught her with another woman." Lauren regretted her snippiness, but he had hit a nerve, pulling her out of the numbness she craved.
"What was she thinking bringing a woman to her apartment?"
"Does it matter?" Lauren fired back, annoyed at the pointless question.
Dyson gave her a stone-cold stare. "And clearly you're dealing with all this appropriately. You're shutting down to avoid feeling the pain. I can tell."
Her heart skipped a beat as she watched Dyson read her so easily. That was the downside of having a best friend from childhood; he knew her too well. Her numbness was fading, her nose flared as she tried to fight the silent tears. The tears she didn't want to come. "Or maybe, I'm not going to let Bo Dennis control my emotions." She barked, striding to the door to get away from his knowing eyes. She spun around to face him. "And the worst part of all this. I'm not even surprised. Part of me was just waiting for her to do this or something…"
"Maybe this is just a setback."
"I think it's more than a setback." Lauren countered, bitterness making her tone sharp. "It takes two to have sex but only one person to make a mistake. Bo already made her choice."
Dyson's mouth dropped down into a disapproving frown. He sighed, choosing his words carefully. "You never let yourself just be and be carefree. But I see that part of you when you're with Bo. I've seen the way you look at her, I've never seen that look on your face before."
Lauren busted out laughing at that, she didn't know why.
He leveled Lauren with a piercing, knowing gaze. "You should talk to her. Hiding from her won't help. It won't make you feel better. Trust me."
Exasperated, Lauren threw her hands up and said. "You want me to be some foolish woman that throws herself at a cheater?"
Dyson sighed and rested his head back on the couch. "I never said that. I said talk to her. You will regret it if you don't." He said, staring at the ceiling. "Follow your heart. I know you better than you like to admit and I know how your brain works, don't make this black and white. Listen to your heart, don't make a decision you'll regret."
A hard lump climbed in Lauren's throat. After a long moment of glaring at Dyson, Lauren yanked the door open. "I'm going out. I don't need you telling me anything about relationships like you're some kind of expert."
XXXXX
For the better part of three days, Bo spent all her time in bed. It was the last place in the world that she wanted to be. She wanted to be with Lauren. She wanted to soothe Lauren's heartache, somehow. She longed to comfort her, heal the cracks in her heart but she knew she was probably the last person Lauren wanted support from, or to see.
With a desperate ache for Lauren consuming her, Bo clenched her phone and stared at the unanswered messages. Loneliness flooded Bo's chest, and she wondered where Lauren was at that moment. The only thing she could visualize was Lauren walking away from her. Regret and shame clung to her, an ever-burning constant.
Pleasure and fun. That's what she used to seek, but she had it all wrong. She should feel relieved to be free. But she was far from happy. She felt physical pain being separated from Lauren. She never knew that kind of pain could exist. Yes, she was wallowing in self-pity, again only thinking about herself and her suffering. Whatever hurt she felt couldn't compare to Lauren's. She was to blame, it was all her fault, she had gone down this path, and now she had to face the consequences.
But all she wanted was Lauren. Her mind told her to let Lauren go before it ended in more tears and disaster, but she couldn't ignore the intense ache that shot through her whenever she thought about losing Lauren. She willed away the tears that threatened to escape.
Maybe if she had just talked to Lauren about her fears from the start things would have turned out differently. Or not. She didn't know. Lauren was intelligent, driven, and independent. She was everything Bo wasn't. But she had tried to change, to grow, so what had possessed her to do something as foolish as cheating on Lauren?
She rolled over on her bed and pulled the sheet tighter. Her head hurt thinking about it all, and her stomach began to revolt but it was empty, so it simply squeezed. Her appetite had disappeared along with her self-worth.
She heard someone enter the apartment and bolted upright. She jerked her head to her door, hoping it was Lauren.
Bo's eyes were hollow and bloodshot as she glared at Kenzi when she walked into the room. "What are you doing here?" She snapped, collapsing back onto the bed.
"Hello to you too, sis."
Bo shook her head violently against the pillow. "Whatever happened to knocking?"
Kenzi stared at Bo, assessing her current state. "I'm here to help you."
Bo's face contorted, and her eyes grew glassy. "I'm not doing this with you right now, okay?"
Kenzi leaned back against the door, folding her arms across her chest. "Lauren messaged me on Facebook. She said you might need a friend right now."
Flinching, Bo pinched her eyes shut, and smacked a pillow hard on her face. She screamed into it, angry, sad, pained. And then, her chest rose and fell in laughter. "Unbelievable," She mumbled between defeated laughs. After she composed herself and tossed the pillow aside, she said, "She won't talk to me, but she'll message my sister? It's been three days, and she hasn't answered me."
"Maybe she just needs more time." Kenzi walked around the mess in Bo's bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. "She said you cheated on her. But she was worried about you and didn't want you to be alone."
Bo raised her hand, covering her forehead. "Why do you care? Isn't this what you wanted?"
Kenzi's face clouded with sorrow. "No."
Bo heaved an angry breath and frowned in deep hurt. "I want you to leave." She blared, rolling over and jumping out of the bed. "I bet you're so happy this happened." She pointed at Kenzi, accusingly. "You were right, all along."
"No." Kenzi stalked over to Bo, her heart breaking for her older sister. "I wasn't right; I was a terrible sister, and I'm sorry. I should have been there for you. I let you down, and I'm sorry." She said with genuine remorse. "It shouldn't have mattered whether or not I liked Lauren. It wasn't my place to judge her or you."
Bo hung her head. Just the thought of how she had hurt Lauren sent stabs of regret through her. "I should have listened to you." She murmured with tears filling her eyes.
"You were right I never gave Lauren a chance. I judged her, and that was wrong." Kenzi held her breath a long moment. "I was jealous and petty. I was feeling insecure about a lot of things, and I took it out on you, and that wasn't fair. I suppose we all have our own issues that linger, and I ended up projecting things onto Lauren, unfairly."
"If only we had had parents to teach us to be normal, healthy people," Bo said, only half joking. They always danced around the topic of their childhood, and how they pretty much raised each other. But it was something Bo desperately didn't want to talk about at that moment.
"I'm so sorry for the way I acted." Kenzi implored Bo with her eyes. "Can you forgive me?"
The anger Bo had been holding flowed out of her. This was Kenzi. The person who listened to her babble for hours about any and everything, who brought her food when she was sick, who covered for her always, her sister, her only real family. Without Kenzi, Bo had lost her sounding board, her confidant, the one who always dolled out advice. She had really missed her. And if Bo were seeking forgiveness from Lauren, she could offer forgiveness to her sister. Everyone made mistakes, after all. It would make her a hypocrite if she didn't. "Just shut up, of course, I forgive you. You're my sister. That will never change."
A small smile settled on Kenzi's face and for an awkward moment, they lingered in silence.
Bo slipped on a pair of sweatpants and avoided Kenzi's eyes. "I fucked up, Kenz. I deserve all this, for hurting the one I care about the most…"
"Do you know what your problem is?" Kenzi interrupted.
Bo cringed, suddenly feeling very small, and pulled her arms around herself. "Oh great, what?"
Kenzi placed a hand on Bo's shoulder. "There's a lot of good in you, Bo. You're one of the most caring people I know. But you are completely blind to that. I wish you could see and believe that."
"Must not be that much," Bo said, her voice wavering with emotions.
"You hide behind the impression of confidence and carefreeness, but too often you look to outside people to validate you. That's not a sustainable way to live."
Bo stifled a grimace. Kenzi knew her so well it hurt. Bo usually feared nothing, but with Lauren she had felt overtaken by it. She had told herself plenty of reasons to doubt herself in her relationship, trapping her firmly in a destructive loop. And when she finally cracked, she failed Lauren and their relationship.
"All I know is that I'm lost without her. But I tied myself up in knots for months over my fears. I tried to change, but I failed and failed hard." Bo sighed, trying was the key word. "I forced myself to hide away from the world so that I wouldn't screw up. But I still failed."
"That's not healthy. You can't avoid life so that you won't be tempted into doing something bad. I imagine that got very isolating and lonely, shunning the world."
Bo's eyebrows twitched, and she glanced away. "So you think partying is a good thing?"
Kenzi's eyes flicked over Bo's face, quick and searching, and then she clarified her meaning. "I meant you need like a hobby, friends that you don't have sex with, a life outside of Lauren. That's normal. You need more outlets than just a girlfriend. That's putting too much pressure on yourself and her."
Bo played with her lower lip with trembling fingers. "I just wanted to change, to be someone else."
"Maybe you were forcing yourself to change for the wrong reasons before you were ready."
Brutal regret bounced through Bo's body. She couldn't be more ashamed of herself, it surrounded her like a thick blanket, suffocating her. "I'm screwed up inside, and Lauren, Lauren's perfect. I never deserved her."
Kenzi ignored the perfect comment and asked. "Do you want Lauren back?"
"I don't know if Lauren will take me back. She won't even see me or respond to me. I can barely look at myself, so I can't really expect her to want to look at me either. But what I do need is to talk to her, to see her. I need to tell her how sorry I am; I need it." Bo drew in a gulp of air, her mouth cottony. "I love her, I really do."
Kenzi's eyes were filled with compassion. "Most people who are truly in love don't go and sleep with other people." She put her hands up before Bo could react. "I'm trying to understand; I'm not judging."
Hot, bitter tears cut down Bo's cheeks. "I know. I pushed away happiness because it was scary. I sabotaged my relationship because I'm a coward. She turned my entire world upside down. I was scared I wasn't enough, not built for that life. But I really do love her."
"You don't have to convince me. You have to convince her. You need to tell her."
"I want to. If she'll ever speak to me again." Bo's heart clenched at the prospect of never getting Lauren's forgiveness.
"Give her time. When Lauren messaged me, I called her. And we talked for a long time. She still cares about you, I could tell. I mean she contacted me for you after I was a huge bitch to her, I think that says a lot."
Bo couldn't breathe, her empty stomach clenched with guilt. Why did Lauren have to be so amazing? She knew Lauren was special, she just never realized how special. Every time she thought about how caring Lauren was, it broke her heart. It killed her inside. It was like reminding her she didn't deserve Lauren's forgiveness.
"I'm glad you're here. Thank you. I don't know if I could get through this without you." Bo said, tears falling down her cheeks and off her jaw.
"Don't thank me. I should have been there for you all along."
For the first time, Bo smiled, but she couldn't help the tears that continued to glisten her eyes. "True."
Kenzi leaned in and gave Bo a hug. "It's never too late to change your life," She said softly. "To do better. You can't take back what you've done, but you can take responsibility."
Bo closed her eyes and let her sister comfort her while the tears fell from her eyes. It was the hug she needed. She needed to feel the love that her sister had for her and to be able to give it back. "I've broken us. How do I fix that?"
"You're allowed to make mistakes, but if you only see your mistake because you're caught, then you can't grow. However, if you realize that you've made a mistake because you recognize the error of your ways and make an effort to change, then you grow as a person. There is a difference."
"Do people change? Does anyone have that kind of power?" Bo asked when Kenzi stepped back.
Kenzi's eyes softened and the corners of her mouth lifted. "I think so, but you have to change for you, not because you're trying to live up to some kind of perfection that doesn't exist. No one can handle that pressure. The hardest part of growing up is facing truths about yourself. There isn't some magical cure for all your issues and flaws, but you can work on it, if that's what you want. And I promise I'll be here to help you this time."
Bo sat on the edge of her bed and buried her head in her hands. How was she going to get Lauren back and make things right? Some of her sadness faded, replaced by a firm resolve. She would fight for Lauren, that's how. This time no longer afraid. This time with openness and honesty.
"I hate myself for allowing all this to happen," Bo said, fishing around the floor for her sweater.
Kenzi walked to the window, threw open the curtains, flooding the room with light. She opened the window, and the fresh spring air started filling the room.
"You have to eat and get your energy back. It's time to pull yourself together. The first thing, we should do is clean up this apartment. It smells like smoke and dirty clothes." She wrinkled her nose and turned back to Bo. "And get you into the shower."
Bo grinned, as she pulled her sweater over her head. "Fair enough." She took a deep breath, and it felt like the first real breath she'd taken in days. She watched Kenzi start to clean up her room and she grew grateful that she had her sister back. For the first time in days, she felt hopeful.
XXXXX
Lauren used the walk to the club to get her annoyance at Dyson in check. It was something she didn't want to feel. No. She didn't want to feel anything. She was determined to run from her problems, but she wasn't really getting anywhere. She heard her grandmother's voice in her head, 'Wherever you go, there you are'. The truth of it stung her. She tried to keep her mind off Bo, but the image of her burned in her mind. She could shut down her emotions, but its effects were only temporary at best. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't evade her. She could never run fast enough to escape her completely.
It was impossible. She literally had no control when it came to Bo and her feelings. Well, maybe, that was an exaggeration, but it felt true. Everything she thought she had felt for Nadia was magnified a million times with Bo.
Inside the club, Lauren tried to relax and digest her surroundings. A live band blasted music while the crowd danced and sipped their drinks. She didn't drink. Instead, she concentrated on the pumping music, drifting away from her thoughts of Bo. A dense wall of throbbing bass, and bodies surrounded her. She was bobbing along with the dense crowd of people, not dancing, but only moving with the music.
"Isn't this band great?"
"What?" Lauren shouted the words at the woman beside her.
"You like the band?" She yelled, almost into Lauren's ear.
Lauren locked eyes with the person next to her. She looked like a perfectly respectable, ordinary kind of girl. Nice. She could probably sleep with her and not feel guilty about it, except she knew that wasn't true. Her relationship was in limbo, but she didn't want to use another person to get back at Bo. She couldn't do that. And, in her heart, she still belonged to Bo. Those thoughts were stupid and desperate but accurate. Would she ever be able to move on from a person like Bo Dennis? No, she didn't think so.
Hesitant to start a conversation Lauren just nodded. She cringed at herself she felt out of her element there. Being alone in a group of strangers didn't bother her, she wasn't looking for social interaction, but she was growing increasingly uncomfortable, and didn't feel like she was blending in as she wanted.
Pretending to be oblivious to her advances was much more comfortable. So, Lauren watched the band and tried to avoid her eyes.
"Do you want to dance?" She asked, moving closer to Lauren's ear.
Lauren didn't, so she shook her head and weaved her way through the crowd away from the woman. She bumped into several people, mumbled apologies, and stumbled forward.
Lauren lost it in the restroom. Everything finally surfaced. Sitting on the toilet, a defeated sob of anguish escaped her lips when she noticed the empty toilet paper roll. She sighed, and cried as she reached inside the holder, and found another empty roll.
"Dammit," She half whispered, half grumbled, and then suddenly laughed out loud at herself. A bitter smile held on her lips as she gritted her teeth and at the same time thought about how foolish she was acting. Crying wouldn't solve anything, but the tears fell anyway.
Was she upset that Bo cheated on her or was she disappointed that she was such a dummy as to do it in her own apartment asking to get caught? Or was she upset with herself because she was waiting for Bo to break her heart? Or was she angry that she still loved Bo, that all her feelings didn't drift away as soon as she caught Bo?
She stared at the blue door of her stall, chewing her bottom lip, and tried to decide if hiding in the stall for the rest of the night was actually feasible.
The emotions she'd suppressed for days started to rise into her chest, and tears streamed down her cheeks. The empty toilet paper roll had just been a catalyst to break her down. She fought the sudden urge to tear it to shreds and scream.
The world blurred as her eyes filled with more tears. This is precisely why she wanted the numbness. It was so much safer than the alternative.
XXXX
Tamsin rode at night to avoid the traffic and slept during the day. With no destination in mind and no direction she didn't know what town she was in, but she did know she needed to change her clothes and get food.
Pulling into a parking lot, she shut off her bike. It was old and falling apart, but it was all she could afford, so she didn't complain. She would never complain about much, just make the best out of her situation.
With the kickstand down and pulling off her helmet, she glanced up and read the sign outside the building, "Hole in the Wall". She scoffed and shook her head with a stupid name like that she must be in a college town. Once she had thought about enrolling at some university, but she gave up those dreams and opted for a free life, traveling, moving from one place to another.
Tamsin pushed through the writhing mob, making a beeline for the restroom. She slung her bag over her shoulder and stood at the sink and washed her hands, the bass of the music was muffled and steady. She sat her helmet under the sink and entered an empty stall.
She started removing her shoes and through the thin walls, she heard someone crying in the stall next to her. Inwardly, she squirmed uncomfortably. She hated when strangers cried, or anyone really. Couldn't people keep all that stuff in private?
She tried to ignore the other person and change quickly, but her conscience tugged at her.
"Are you okay?" She whispered through the door separating her and the weeping stranger. She closed her eyes and hoped the woman would just ignore her.
Lauren laughed through the bathroom stall. "No. My girlfriend cheated on me and I'm crying alone on a toilet in a random club, so I don't think I'm okay." She blurted out. She sounded slightly hysterical, but she couldn't seem to care, at that moment.
Tamsin cursed under her breath. Just her luck. Why did she say anything? That was what she got for getting involved. She hesitated a long moment, what could she say to that. "Umm. That sucks." She said, simply while fidgeting with her fingers. Relationship problems weren't something she could quantify or really understand.
Lauren was silent, because yes it did suck, it sucked big time. "And I love her," She confessed, the words were thick on her tongue. "I'm pathetic. I still love her and want her. Even now." She wiped her tears away. She knew when she looked into the depths of Bo's eyes. She saw the real Bo, the Bo she tried to keep hidden. The one that cared for her, but that only served to make her betrayal even worse. Maybe she needed to stay as far away from Bo as possible. But there was no denying the draw to Bo was stronger than her resolve. She scoffed at those thoughts.
"Well, I mean…I don't know, love's complicated, and stuff." Tamsin said, wishing for a fire alarm or something to save her from this awkward exchange.
Lauren laughed at herself, and couldn't stop. But soon the laughter pushed out more tears. And then, there was no laughter only tears. "Sorry," She mumbled, ashamed at her behavior.
Tamsin turned panicked and confused, half tempted to flee from the woman. She wasn't really cut out to help her, but she planted her feet and asked. "Does one bad action mean that person is bad or unforgivable?"
Silence followed, and Tamsin hoped the woman had left, but then she spoke. "No, of course not. One action doesn't define a person but the sum total of his or her choices. There is always a choice, and cheating is always a choice."
The woman sounded calmer; Tamsin lifted her eyebrows and chose her next question carefully. "Making a wrong choice, makes you a bad person?"
Lauren scratched at her forehead, wiping her tears with her other hand. "No, intentions matter as well."
Tamsin chewed on her lip, concerned about the dramatic turn in the conversation. Discomfort slapped her in the face, but she found herself strangely engrossed with this woman's problems. The part of her that had an insatiable appetite for observation was enthralled by the theatrical situation, and she couldn't stop herself from engaging. She suddenly felt like she was pulled into one of those soap operas that always played on the main TV at her group home.
Studying the blank stall door, she said. "I'll say from experience, no one makes all right choices all the time, and everyone makes mistakes. The world isn't divided into good people and bad people. Everyone falls somewhere in between. You can't put people in categories."
Lauren's breath caught, and she forced out an exhale. "Maybe not, but some mistakes in life can not be undone. How would I ever be able to pretend none of this happened? How could I forgive?" She asked, not sure why she would ever listen to a stranger. "All I want is love over heartbreak, trust over mistrust. Perhaps that's impossible." She mumbled that last part under her breath.
"Don't pretend, but don't dwell on it. You can accept some situations, and not live in the pain forever. You can choose to look forward, and to let go. When you're ready." Tamsin said, with an authority that surprised herself.
"So, it's that easy, huh?" Lauren said with a laugh.
"Shit, I don't know. It sounded good in my head." Tamsin joked back. "I'm as lost as everyone else. I haven't really figured out this mess called life, yet."
Tamsin didn't make a habit of prying into stranger's private lives, but she couldn't stop herself. Usually, she was more content to sit back and observe human nature than getting involved. Social norms were a mystery to her.
"Maybe some people just have a tendency to be slightly stupid. I have yet to meet a levelheaded adult who does everything right. Sometimes, I think all adults are just still little kids playing dress up and pretending." Tamsin said, breaking the silence between the stalls.
The bathroom fell silent again, and Tamsin heard the chirp of a cell phone and a heavy sigh from the crying stranger.
Tamsin opened her mouth to speak but popped it closed when Lauren asked, "Can you hand me a roll of toilet paper. I'm out."
That made Tamsin smile. "Sure."
"Thanks," Lauren said, accepting the roll. "Sorry…about…well, thanks for listening. I had a lot to get off my chest. I guess, sometimes, it's easier to talk to a stranger than friends. That's kind of messed up." She snorted a chuckle and then fell silent.
Tamsin opened her mouth to respond but her instincts prickled telling her the stranger wanted to be left alone. That she could respect and understand.
With that, Tamsin quickly changed into fresh clothes…well, different clothes and exited the restroom. Outside, she climbed onto her bike and rode off, to nowhere really, just wherever the road took her.
XXXXX
AN
I might have cheated a little bit adding Tamsin into the story, but I don't think I would remember the voice of a stranger five years later after just one conversation, so I don't think it takes away from BBB.
Thanks for reading and reviewing.
