A/N This is a sort of long note, but if you're curious on how the updates are going to be or why it has been so long, give it a quick scan.
I know it's been forever and I totally get it if no one is following this anymore.
I hate people with excuses and I'd like to think that mine aren't excuses, but take it how you want. I love all of my readers who have visited this story and all of you who have reviewed, and continue to wait around for updates. THIS WILL BE IT! I am officially going to finish this story. I think there is six chapters. I may or may not come back later and do an epilogue or a part two, not sure. I will have to see how life goes.
SO it's been such a long time for updating because of a couple of things. School, wasn't so life changing except for the fact that I got into Cal State Fullerton and was so excited J. Then my mom got really sick, she was three years into her fight with breast cancer and it took a turn for the worse. She passed away two weeks before finals, I took a week off from school for the funeral, and then scrambled to get my grades back up to par. Because life does go on, I didn't really deal with her death and I am now facing some depression. It comes and goes, and this week has been a really good week so far, yes I know it is only Tuesday, but it's been great.
Enough with my reasons, so what does the future hold for this story? I went back and re did the last four chapters. I hated what I had wrote before and of course your mind changes over time so it just didn't fit with who I am anymore. So I re-wrote them and now it is done.. I will most likely be posting all of them by the end of today or tomorrow morning. They are shorter chapters than anything I think I've written before so it shouldn't be too overwhelming J
I hope you enjoy the rest of the story and hopefully it isn't too big of a disappointment. If you'd like an epilogue let me know in a review or a PM and let me know what you want to see in the future. Maybe it will inspire me to get it done.
Enjoy
Chapter 11
BPOV
As I walked into the kitchen I saw Alice and Esme already cooking breakfast. I instantly felt bad that I had taken the extra time to talk to Edward. I could have been making my own breakfast instead of them waiting on me. "You guys really don't have to do that; I can do it myself you know." Esme turned and smiled warmly at me.
"I know child, but we heard you talking to Edward and we decided maybe we could have breakfast done before you came down. Its almost finished just take a seat." She smiled again and I nodded, taking a seat at the counter on one of the new barstools. Alice walked over with a plate that had bacon, eggs, and pancakes.
"There is no way I will be able to eat all of this. You cooked enough for a man Emmett's size…" I trailed off I didn't want them to feel bad. Just then Alice turned back to me with a smile.
"Just eat as much as you can. Then we could go shopping." At this revelation I was terrified I wasn't really in the shopping mood. I really needed someone to save me from this pixie.
"Actually Alice I was thinking Bella and I could spend some time together today. Maybe go to the meadow?" Ah Edward. He must have walked in the room only moments before. Thank God we are on better terms now. The last part of his sentence was more of a question to me. I didn't really want to go to the meadow though. That brought back bad memories of when Laurent tried to kill me. So I nodded my head while I finished chewing the bacon in my mouth.
"Yeah I would love to hang out, but not at the meadow. The last time I was there things didn't go so well. Maybe we could just hang out by the river or something?" He nodded his head back at me, not pressing the subject of the meadow any further. Alice and Esme were just looking back and forth between the two of us like they had no clue why I would let him sit next to me.
"What you guys?" I questioned them and Esme looked me straight in the eyes as she addressed me.
"Are you two back together?" I heard a throat clear and I looked to Edward who was very slightly shaking his head no. If I didn't know him so well I probably wouldn't have even picked up on it. Esme nodded curtly once. I didn't like being left out so I decided to speak up before they both turned around to clean up the kitchen.
"Weren't you listening?" Esme shook her head.
"No we were trying to give the both of you some privacy.
"Oh well thank you. Actually we decided we should be friends. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future," Alice went to go and speak but I kept going, "nor do I want to know what is going to happen. I just want to enjoy getting to know Edward again as a friend and see where that leads us. Okay?"
They both looked at me and then Esme smiled at me fondly before turning around and starting the dishwasher. Glad that that was over I finished off a few more bites before I turned to Edward and smiled. "Just let me shower and then I'll be right down ok?"
"Of course Bella, I'll probably be in my room, just go ahead and walk in." With that he took off up the stairs and Alice took me to get me settled in with what I would need for the shower.
Laying here in the grass is heaven. I missed this meadow so much. I hadn't come back since the wolves attacked Laurent. Being here with Edward almost feels foreign, but not disturbingly so. I miss it.
I can feel him looking at me. It feels as though he is willing me to look at him, but I can't.
The walk out here was awkward. I could tell that he isn't use to having to restrain himself anymore. He seems anxious to let go and touch me how he use to, but I can't allow it. I know deep in my heart that I still love him, but it needs time; I need time. I need all of the wounds to heal, and I need to know he will not leave me again.
Then I begin to wonder about what will happen in two years when the Cullen's leave to travel. If we give in to our needs and become a couple again will he leave as well? I believe he would to keep up appearances, but where will that leave me? I already told everyone I could not leave my life behind here.
The only way I would be willing to entertain the thought would be if they were to change me. But did I want that now? No I do not think I do. I enjoy being able to be with my friends in La Push and I enjoy being able to go out in public and play my music for others.
If I were to be changed then who knows when I would be able to go back out in public. It would be anyone's guess. I was pulled out of my deep contemplation by Edwards Velvety voice.
"Huh? What was that?" I asked turning slightly, but not looking into his eyes for the fear of getting lost and never being able to return.
He chuckled slightly and it drew my eyes to his. "I asked what you were thinking. You know I cannot hear you and you just looked exceptionally contemplative. So I guess I was just curious." I forced myself to look away; looking back up at the sky I shook it slightly to clear it.
"Oh, well I was thinking about changing." He didn't seem to follow my train of thought. He asked the most ridiculous question; it would have been cute but for some reason it was nerve rattling.
"Why would you change, you just took a shower." I huffed out a breath before I responded.
"No Edward, I meant change into a vampire." He sat up straight away and looked horrified as he captured my gaze.
"Why would you be thinking about that?" I shook my head about to tell him what conclusion I had come to, but before I could get the words out of my mouth he cut in. "Bella, I will give you anything you want. I want to make you happy and make up for everything that has happened. Even if it is something I am strongly against I will do it if it means I could have your forgiveness and have you as mine once again."
I stared at him in shock for a couple of seconds. I had seemingly lost my voice. I was most definitely speechless for the first time in a long time. I finally managed to find my voice, "Edward wait, you would actually change me?" I looked at him in disbelieve actually able to meet his gaze and not be dazzled for once.
He nodded his head once and looked at me cautiously. "Yes I would, that's what you want is it not? I would do anything to make you happy with me again." I shook my head and he seemed defeated at once.
I felt bad, although I was not quite sure what I had done. I placed my hand on top of his on his knee. I thought quickly through how I wanted to address this and exactly what I was going to say.
"Actually I was thinking specifically about us and how everything would work if we were to ever resolve this… thing between us. But seriously, I don't think we will be able to rectify this at all." He stood up at my admission and started pacing. I waited for him to finish whatever his thought process was. I didn't feel like interrupting him. I knew exactly how I felt on the subject now and I did not see that changing.
He turned to me abruptly and was towering over me where I was sitting in the grass. "What are you talking about Bella? Are you insane? Of course this could work. I will make this work. I plan on making up what I did to you for the rest of our lives. Why won't you even give me the chance?" He looked tormented as though I was ripping through his non-existent heart.
I shook my head and stood; I didn't like feeling like he had the upper hand. I needed to maintain control. I had learned this the hard way a while ago in that college frat house. I would not give up my control ever again. I stood only a few inches from him and put my hands on my hips defiantly. He couldn't make this work. There was no way around the inevitable.
"Edward there is no way this would ever work. You and your family are leaving in a couple of years right?" He thought for less than a second and then nodded his head in confirmation. "Right. So what happens if we were to fix this and be together? You would have to leave and I would barely see you. I do not think a long distance relationship could work. Even if you were to come down every weekend."
I stood silent for a second while he contemplated my thought process. When he started to speak I held up my hand and continued with what I had to say. It all needed to get out there so that he would no it was impossible.
"That's why I was thinking about changing, but even that would not work." His eyes pierced mine and he seemed to ground out his words from between his clenched teeth.
"Any why is this? Why would it not work?"
I shook my head and stated the simple facts. "It just wouldn't make a difference; I would still want to stay with my family and friends and be able to play at the coffee shops and clubs. If I turn I can no longer do that and I would be unhappy." I sighed, "You don't really want me to be unhappy do you? Isn't this why you left in the first place?"
He nodded yet again, but instead of relenting to me he started to rebut my reply to him.
"But Bella, you wanted to be changed didn't you? That's what you constantly fought with me about. And I know I wasn't willing to do it then, but I m willing to do anything for you now. Can you not see that? I just want you to be happy. Be happy with me as a part of your life." He looked at me almost pleadingly.
I sighed, not really sure what to say after that and where to take the conversation. I didn't really think that he would do anything s he said for me, but I'm sure he was willing to do a lot. If everything that I heard was true and he did really still love me then there was no way he would deny me.
But I realized that it still wasn't enough. After everything that I had been through it wasn't enough. I wasn't sure if anything he did ever would be. Was I a horrible person for feeling this way?
I guess in a way I had lost my innocence. I use to be so in love with him, in fact I still was. The only thing was now I realized that love wasn't enough. That's what happened with my parents. I couldn't believe I was just coming to this realization.
They were madly in love, but it was never enough. They tried, they tried for me, but still it was not enough. Their love for each other and their love for me could never change the fact that my mom was unhappy. She was unhappy in Forks and needed to leave to be happy; my dad was not willing to leave, therefore, they divorced so she could go and find happiness.
I didn't want to be like my mother. I was not going to go with my heart completely and allow myself to fall again. I needed to be strong this time. I needed to stay where I was because I was happy in Forks. I loved the beat the rain made on my windowsill. I loved being able to drive down to La Push and make music with the guys. I love Charlie.
I couldn't, no I wouldn't give any of that up for anyone. There was no way in hell I would just pick up and leave because I was in love. Love wasn't enough.
Edward had proven that to me for the second time in my life that love wasn't enough. That it would never be enough when he left me in the forest all those years ago. Now he was back trying to make it be enough, but now that I think about it I think he had it right the first time.
He knew he was taking things away from me and as much as I didn't care back then I cared now. I wanted to be human to be able to be around other humans. If I were to change I would loose everything I loved. I wasn't going to let my heart break for a second time.
"Bella?" I was pulled out of my thoughts once again by a velvet voice. I needed him to understand.
"Edward, I cant." I looked away unable to meet his gaze. I just needed to tell him we could only be friends, but I didn't want to hurt him. I decided for now I could defer from the complete truth and spare him. They would be leaving in a couple of years anyways.
"I just cant right now OK? Can we just go with our previous agreement to be friends for now and see where it leads?" I chanced a look up at his face, but I couldn't manage to meet his eyes.
Even though it wasn't his eyes I could still see the brokenness. I had broken him. But he conceded and gave me a slight nod before offering me his hand. I allowed him that much. I knew we would most likely blur the lines some more tonight due to the fact that I still hated sleeping by myself.
For now I could allow him to be happy. Just like I planned to eventually make Jake happy. I would try to please as many people as I could without breaking myself again. I could do this. Love might not be enough, but trust could. If trust were to fail I would always have logic. It wasn't logical to be with Edward, but it was logical to be with Jake. Although I did not love Jake in the same manner he loved me I could try.
It was like an arranged marriage. Yes that's how I could think of it. I might not love him like that yet, but I could. It would grow and become more.
For now here I was with Edward walking hand in hand back to his house.
