Thursday 11th December 2020

Sara's Diary

'First, you think the worst is a broken heart,

But what's going to kill you is the second part.'

Six Degrees of Separation, The Script

-7.56am

"So you're sure you're OK with that, Sara? You don't have to if you don't want to, I'm sure we can work something out…"

"No, honestly Niks, it's fine, of course I don't mind. It's absolutely fine."

Think may have just agreed to take Joycelin to dance show dress rehearsal this afternoon. Not only that, but on the London Underground. Bloody terrifying prospect now actually think about it, god only knows why I agreed to it. Entire concept of having train network underneath London is completely ridiculous, sounds incredibly complicated and just a little bit claustrophobic.

Did suggest to Niks could leave her car here today and I could drive, at which point Harry pointed out am still disqualified. Pointed out am disqualified in South Africa, this is England. To which Nikki said probably not the best idea, as A) could be arrested and B) I probably wouldn't understand British road etiquette. Said what was there to not get, just drive and sound horn and bloody idiots in way. To which Harry and Nikki said point proven.

So anyway, bottom line is, am going to be braving the London Underground with a nine year old this afternoon. To say am bloody terrified is an understatement.

"Thank you so much. It's not that far, even you and Josi shouldn't be able to get lost."

"Oi, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Remind me what happened when you and Josi went off by yourselves at that steam fair in Three Anchor Bay and…"

Damn, knew she was going to mention that, just knew.

"Hey, that's different!"

"How is that different?"

"It was only a temporary attraction, there were no signposts! There… there will be signs on the Underground… right?"

"Yep, and I might even have an Underground map somewhere, you'll be fine. It's really not that complicated, it's not even like you're going to have to change lines…"

What?! No one said anything about changing lines…?!

"There… there are different lines?!"

"Well yes, but you don't have to use them so I wouldn't worry about it."

"I just have to stay on the same one?" Oh shit, this is proving rather more complicated than previously thought. Given previously thought was going to be incredibly complicated, this is worrying.

"You get on the District Line at South Kensington, just up the road, and then you get off a couple of stops later at Earl's Court and Josi knows the way from there. It's fine, you'll be fine. Joycelin's done it before, you remember the route, don't you?"

"Ummm… I think so, Mummy…"

"Of course you do, you'll remember it once you get there. You've got to help Auntie Sara if she gets you lost, you'll be able to do that, won't you? You're getting to your dance rehearsal depends on it, Daddy and I are going to be at work."

"But we can phone you if we get lost, can't we Mummy? Or will you be busy doing that post mortem on the man with diabetes you haven't been able to do for days because of the snow?"

"Well… no, I'm hoping to have that done before this afternoon, but you won't be able to phone me Josi, there's no signal on the Underground."

"Shit, there's not even any bloody phone signal down there? I can't even send you an SMS when we get completely lost in the middle of nowhere miles underneath London?!"

"Sara you won't get lost, I promise. And even if you do, you just get off at the next stop and work out where you are. It'll be fine, honestly. What could go wrong?"

Unfortunately, have a terrible feeling those may be famous last words.

-3.04pm

Definitely regretting agreeing to do this. Almost managed to get lost just finding Josi's school to pick her up, and worrying thing is, school is only five minutes' walk away from Harry and Niks's house. How the hell am going to manage the London Underground is beyond me.

If perfectly honest, am pinning hopes on Joycelin's sense of direction having improved somewhat since the pair of us got lost at the steam fair in Three Anchor Bay last summer. God knows mine hasn't.

Speaking of Joycelin, kind of hoping she's going to appear sooner rather than later. Hated the bloody school run enough when had to do it with own kids, have no particular desire to attempt to mingle with bunch of English mums most likely have absolutely nothing in common with. Plus don't know which ones are parents of Josi's friends and which are parents of evil kids in her class she hates (you get that in every primary school no matter which side of the equator you're on, right?), therefore don't know which ones to mingle with. School playground is a surprisingly political place as an adult.

Ahhh there she is.

"Hi Auntie Sara!"

"Hello, trouble. How was your day?"

"It was good, thanks. Except for French."

Here we go. Tried my absolute best yesterday to convince Josi that French is in fact beautiful language, though still failing to get through to her. Child is incredibly stubborn for a nine year old, hell of a lot like her mother. Although given how much she enjoyed Italian lesson yesterday, suspect hatred of French is because of Mr Roberts or whatever his name is rather than hatred of languages full stop.

"What was wrong with French then? Shall I take one of your bags?"

"No, it's OK Auntie Sara, I'm fine. Mr Roberts wasn't very impressed with our Italian sentences."

"Wasn't he? What did he say?" Hehehehe thought they'd baffle him. Really shouldn't find it funny but can't quite help it. Outsmarting teachers as an adult when they no longer have any power over you is just far too much fun.

"He asked me how I expected him to mark them, given he doesn't know any Italian."

"So did you tell him that he doesn't know any French either, but he normally manages to mark your homework somehow so you thought he'd cope?"

"No, Auntie Sara, then he would have sent me to the reflection room!"

"What's the reflection room?"

"It's where all the naughty children get sent at break time when they've done something bad, and they have to write about what they did wrong and what they're going to do next time to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Ahhh, I see. They didn't bother with that when I was at school, they just smacked you if you misbehaved."

"They smacked you?!"

"Ja, they don't do any of this reflecting on your actions crap in South Africa. Or they didn't when I was at school at least."

"Did you ever get smacked Auntie Sara?"

"More times than I can remember, I was terribly behaved at primary school. What about you, Josi, have you ever been sent to the reflection room?"

"No, not yet. Auntie Sara, are you sure it's legal for teachers to smack children in South Africa?"

"Probably not, no. Come on then, is this it?" Tube station looks rather intimidating, think it's all those steps. That said, steps itself are pretty goddamn intimidating these days, especially if bloody leg decides to play up. And station looks rather busy. Oh good lord, this is going to go well.

"Yep. We have to buy tickets first, and then we want the District Line."

"Right… OK… hang on, there's more than one line to choose from?!" Eeeeek Niks didn't warn me was going to be more than one line before we even got onto the bloody platform.

"Well there are two lines, the District Line and the Circle Line. They go to most of the same places actually, but only the District Line goes to West Kensington."

Why is it the place we're going has to be one of the ones that isn't on both of the damn lines?

"Right… OK… Josi? If I give you the money, will you buy the tickets for me?" Not in the mood for attempting to work out how to use the bloody machines, will let Josi do that while try to get bearings and work out where the hell we're meant to go. Is definitely like some sort of bloody underground maze down here, and haven't even made it as far as the platforms yet.

"Sorted? Right, come on then, which way are we going?"

"How should I know?" Oh god, this is a good start.

"Well… you live here!"

"Yes, but I don't go on the tube that often, and when I do I always have Mummy or Daddy or Grandma or Granddad or Auntie Charlie or someone like that with me, and they know where to go so I just follow them."

Brilliant.

"Right… come on then Joycelin, we can work this out. District Line, right?"

"Yep, that's right, the green one?"

"Green one?"

"Ja, they're all colour-coded. The District Line is green and the Circle Line is yellow."

"Ohhhhh… so as long as we make sure we get on a green train not a yellow train, we'll be OK?"

"I guess so. Shall we go down to the platforms, Auntie Sara?"

"That sounds like a good idea, come on then. And hold my hand please, I don't want to lose you half a bloody mile below London, do I? Your mum would murder me."

-3.37pm

Thankfully, tube experience so far is shaping up to be surprisingly easy. Have found way down onto platform without too much difficulty, and according to big flashing sign thing above the platform, next train is a District Line one. Which means all Josi and I have to do is get on, wait a couple of stops and get off again at West Kensington. How hard can that be?"

-3.38pm

"Ohhhh Auntie Sara, is that our train?"

"Must be, the board says the next one due is the District Line. Is there any way of telling the District trains apart from the Circle ones, or do you just have to make an educated guess?"

"No, the bars you hold onto inside the train are colour-coded, see? The ones on this train are green, so it must be a District Line train."

"Perfect, come on then. So Josi?"

"Hmm?"

"Am I allowed to stay and watch your dancing, or do I have to go home and come back for you later? Only I'm not sure I'm brave enough to face the tube alone."

"I'm sure you could, Auntie Sara, Miss Michelle lets parents stay to watch sometimes. But the tube's not that bad, is it?"

"Not so far, no, but we're not there yet! And it's going to be bloody rush hour soon, that's going to be an absolute nightmare by myself with not the faintest idea where I am."

"True. I'm sure Miss Michelle would let you stay and watch, I'll ask her. She can't really turn you down, not after you taught me how to do split leaps out of pirouettes. Her way was rubbish, I kept falling over my feet!"

"I know you did. It was rather entertaining, I'll have you know… Josi?"

"Hmm?"

"Shouldn't we have gotten off by now?" Sure Niks said we'd only be on here a couple of minutes… uh oh…

"Ummm… I don't think so… we haven't been to West Kensington yet, have we…?"

"I don't know… we'll look out for the next station, OK? I'm sure it's fine…"

Oh good lord, can so see this being a repeat performance of that goddamned steam fair in Three Anchor Bay. Only miles underneath London with no bloody phone signal in a weird foreign country. Brilliant, bloody brilliant.

"What's this stop we're pulling into now Josi, can you see?"

"Ummm… Embankment… I think. Is that bad?"

"Not sure… just let me look at the map… god the lighting down here's shit…"

Damn, can't even find where we started on tube map with bloody tiny writing, let alone where we're trying to get to or where the hell we might be now.

"Embankment, did you say?"

"Yep, Embankment. Do you know where we are, Auntie Sara? Should we get off?"

"Umm… hang on… oh shit it's too late now, we can't get off, we're moving again."

"But do you know where we are?" Awww poor baby sounds slightly panicked, reminds me so much of her mother the first time she turned up at my anthropology lab. Good lord, do I really give off that much of an impression of being scary and not having the faintest clue what I'm doing? Apparently so.

The trouble is, in this instance, can't exactly deny that don't have the faintest clue what I'm doing.

"I think so. We were meant to be heading west, towards West Kensington, remember?"

"Umm hmmm. So where are we now? Where is Embankment?"

"In the opposite direction. We must have gotten on the District Line train heading east rather than west by mistake, Embankment's in the complete opposite direction to West Kensington."

"Ah."

"Ah indeed."

"So what do we do? I'm going to be late, aren't I?"

"You are my darling, I'm sorry." Am officially a complete fucking idiot, can't even get poor little nine year old to her dance show rehearsal on time. Lucky she's so lovely, am sure Zaretta would have rolled her eyes at me in bloody despair. "Umm… well I guess we get off at the next station and get back on the District Line heading back towards West Kensington, that's the only thing we can do, really. I'm sorry."

"It's alright Auntie Sara, it's not your fault. I find the tube really confusing when I'm with Mummy and Daddy who are really good at using them, and you've never done this before so really it's no one's fault we've ended up…"

"In the middle of nowhere?" Oh god am so useless, sense of direction is officially crap. But then again have never needed to have particularly good sense of direction, because Pieter's always been so good at…

"Well not exactly the middle of nowhere, more like the middle of Lond… Auntie Sara, are you crying?"

Oh shit, thought had managed to hold tears in well enough for her not to notice. Crap, can't even get that right.

"No Josi, I'm fine, I…" Oh god, now she's brought it up can't seem to stop. On bloody crowded tube, everyone's looking at me and can just tell they bloody know am complete fucking emotional wreck thanks to lying cheating shit of a husband, can tell from the pitying look in their eyes but don't want their fucking pity, just want everything to go back to the way it was before Pieter went and fucking…

"No you're not. Auntie Sara? Shall we get off and try to work out where we are?"

Don't even know what's the best thing to do, clearly have no fucking common sense at all judging by complete and utter mess have managed to get both of us into.

"Come on, we'll get off here, it's OK." Awww she's taking my arm and leading me off the train, is rather sweet and sensible for a nine year old. Admittedly doesn't seem to have sense of direction much better than mine, but hey, can't all be perfect.

"Shall we go up onto ground level and phone Mummy? She might know what to do."

Oh god, that's last thing I need, don't want Niks to know have managed to end up on completely wrong side of London and am now sobbing hysterically over broken marriage for no particular reason and leaving her nine year old daughter to sort out whole bloody mess. No way in hell.

"No… no Josi… need… just work out where… hell are… don't…" Oh good god, can't even talk properly, get a fucking grip Sara. Know am making complete idiot of self but… but… can't quite get thoughts of Pieter out of head now have let them in… can just imagine how brilliant he'd be a finding way through bloody maze that is London Underground, wouldn't have gotten lost if was with him…

"Come on, shall we look at the map? So… so must be at Monument… so if we get on that train there we'll end up heading back the way we've come from… will we?"

Think so. Not really too sure, can't see map due to ridiculous extent of bloody crying. Pathetic, is completely pathetic. Not to mention unfair on poor Josi, who's missing her dance rehearsal because of hopeless fucking excuse of a godmother.

"Think so… come on… this… one?"

"Ummm… I think it must be… or…?"

Ohhhh gosh too late to be doubting selves now, seem to have hit rush hour and being pushed along onto train along with mob of bloody commuters. This is turning into a bloody nightmare.

"Going… have to... be."

"Don't cry. Hang on, I think I might have a packet of tissues in my dance bag somewhere… you don't mind Angelina Ballerina, do you?"

"That's absolutely fine my darling, I'm sorry, I'm being so…"

"No you're not, it's fine. Everybody's allowed to get upset sometimes, that what my Mummy says."

"Does she? Awww well your Mummy talks an awful lot of sense Josi, I think we all know that."

"She does. Auntie Sara?"

"Hmm?"

"It'll all be OK in the end, you know. I don't know exactly how just yet, but it will be OK in the end. You'll see."

Awww she's actually adorable.

"That's very sweet of you Joycelin, but I don't…"

"Of course it will, don't worry. I know it will…" Ohhh she's trailing off, slightly worried look on face. "Auntie Sara? I think I might have made a really stupid mistake."

Uh oh.

"Stupid mistake? Explain? We're not on the wrong line again are we?"

"Ummm… I don't know. Auntie Sara?"

"Hmmm? It's OK Josi, don't worry. After my monumental fuck up and crying fit I can't exactly be cross with you for getting us onto the wrong train, can I?"

"I didn't realise there were three lines going through the station we got on at."

Oh shit. Three?! And I was panicking about two earlier, oh good god…

"Josi it's fine darling, don't worry, we got on in a bit of a hurry and I was being a fat lot of good, I'm sorry. So which one do you think we're on?" Please say District or Central, please say District or Central…

"I think we might be on the Northern Line, heading towards London Bridge."

Oh good god. "Can I see the map, darling?" Shit, how the hell did we manage that?! Fucking stupid, absolutely no way am going to be able to get her back to West Kensington in time for dance rehearsal now, fucking useless, Pieter was right…

"Oh Auntie Sara don't cry, that was my fault. It's OK, we'll get home somehow. We can ask one of the nice guards when we get to London Bridge, I'm sure they'll be able to help us."

"Josi?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm so sorry sweetheart, but I think by the time we've sorted out which direction we're actually meant to be heading in, your dance rehearsal's going to be almost over."

"Don't worry Auntie Sara, it's fine, honestly. I know what I'm doing anyway."

"I know you do, you're going to be brilliant. Listen, do you think it might be a better idea to get off at London Bridge and go and find a nice café somewhere to have hot chocolate? And maybe we can phone your Mummy and Daddy and see if they can come and pick us up, I'm not sure I'm feeling brave enough to attempt the fucking tube again. What do you say?"

"Can I have pink marshmallows with my hot chocolate?"

"I don't see why not."

"Well in that case, I think that's a great idea."


I'm SO, SO, SO sorry, honestly. I found this one really difficult to write and went into a bit of a meltdown with it, hence taking so long to get it done and falling even further behind. The good news is that it's my last day at college tomorrow and the writer's block and obsessiveness is officially gone, and so I PROMISE to catch up by the end of the week. Promise. I'm so sorry, I know this has been a complete fail and it's all my fault, really sorry, I do feel awful if that's any consolation.

PLease do let me know if you're still enjoying this, reviews will make me write faster :) PROMISE I'll be up to speed by the 23rd latest. Promise. And sooner if I get lots of lovely reviews spurring me on :)

Flossie xxx