Testing Out The New Obvious Canon Sue
By: I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
That is dangerous territory, my friend. Everyone knows you can only ship Harls with the Joker or Ivy, or you risk being flayed alive. Lucky for you, no one will notice.
TESTING OUT THE NEW OBVIOUS CANON SUE
"Holy shit, that's the worst characterization of myself I ever saw to this day," Harley Quinn noted in the voice of Arleen Sorkin, the one and only true Harley, as she read the original script of the fic, chomping on some Bubblicious, and skipping down the street. Laughing at the absurdity, she crumpled it up and threw it over her shoulder. "Well, since I ain't got nothin' better to do, let's get this hot mess over with."
She located a manhole, and with some effort, opened it up.
"Down into the shitter I go!" She held her nose comically and jumped in.
Down in the dank, dark Harley wandered aimlessly for what seemed like hours.
"Gosh, I shoulda maybe brought a flashlight. This place is darker than all those Ninja Turtle cartoons made it look." She rubbed the walls with her hands, trying to guide herself along. She squealed as she stepped over some squirming rats. "I hope I don't get eaten by another emotional vampire clown who's popular with the creepy rabid shipping fangirls who love woobifying sadistic serial killers. Or maybe Waylon. He hangs out here sometimes. I don't wanna meet him on a bad day. Or y'know, during lunch."
She stumbled into the current repetitive plot and found the Sewer King's lair.
"Oh, hey! Did you get lost down here too?" she inquired cheerfully, waving at the bizarre man and his group of hissing alligators.
"T-t-t-tress-passer!" roared the Sewer King. "Who the hell was supposed to be on lookout?" He slammed his foot repeatedly into the ground. The sound echoed. "WHEN I FIND OUT, YOU WILL BE SEVERELY PUNISHED! DO YOU HEAR ME?"
"Sheesh, Patchy. Who put a bee in your bonnet?" Harley mumbled. She turned back to the man and put on a saccharine smile. "Hiya! I'm Harley Quinn. You may recognize me from Gotham's Most Wanted. Me and Mistah J had a really contrived falling out, so I'm workin' solo until we inevitably fall back in a happily one-sided codependent love." She mimicked a curtsy. "Pleased to meetcha." She blew a large bubble and popped it.
The Sewer King could only scowl and roll his eyes repeatedly. Harley was mildly concerned at this behavior.
"Hey, are you all right? You look like you're havin' a stroke or somethin'."
"No, it's my terrible writing," the Sewer King said, smacking himself upside the head. "Sometimes this fixes it." He paused for a beat. "Yes, I think that did it. Now...where was I?"
Harley chewed her gum more loudly. "You were yellin' at me and whoever kids allowed me to just waltz right in here without sounding the alarm."
"Oh, right." He raised his hand and pointed at her. "TRESPASSER!"
Harley suddenly felt compelled to scream out "PUDDIN'!" at the Sewer King. She clasped her hands over her mouth. "Huh? What? What's goin' on? I never call anybody else but the Joker my PUDDIN'! BLASPHEMY!"
"Ha, see! It's happening to you as well," the Sewer King said. "You can't resist the idiotic compulsions of bad characterization forced onto you by a crazed Suethor. No one can! We are helpless puppets."
"Well that's some bullshit!" Again, Harley gasped, struck by the sudden uncontrollable urge to act violently out of character. She let out a girlish squeal and ran to the Sewer King, snatching off his glasses and putting them on. "I wear my sunglasses at night too!" She snorted with laughter. "Seriously though, how do you see with these things down here. It's already so dark. I wouldn't be able to tell up front down." She waved she hands out in front of her before accidentally, air quotes implied, grabbing the Sewer King's crotch. "Whoopsie!"
He backed up, blushing furiously. "Give me those back!" He scowled and scowled and scowled some more.
"Geez, don't blow a gasket. They prescription or somethin'?" She stared at him. "Say, Patchy, how come you can only make like two facial expressions?"
"My name is the SEWER KING! And never mind my inability to properly express emotions!" He grabbed his glasses and put them back on. "You have distressed me! Therefore you get eaten by my pretty pets now, you lunatic FEMALE."
"Aww, I love exotic animals too!" She ran up and cuddled them. "Oh, sorry. Forgot my line." She took a deep breath. "MY NEW BABIES! THEY'RE SO CUTE! Not as cute as Bud and Lou, but whatever. Gotta make do when you're in a story this screwy."
She walked around and stared at the Sewer King's throne. She rubbed her hand across one of the arms and then also rubbed her butt against it.
"Ooh, plush. I like it." She sat in it and kicked out her legs, placing her arms behind her head. "Y'know, at first I wasn't too hot about movin' into the sewer, but you really made this place cozy and inviting. I think I'm gonna like it down here."
The Sewer King winced. "No, no! I'm not good with sharing personal space. I'm not good with being around females! Especially not ones as crazy as me!" He ran to her and tried to yank her out of the chair. "You must leave at once! Leave now, now, now! NOW!"
"Come on, don't get so bent outta shape! Livin' with a woman has its perks. I can cook. I can clean. And if you need a ride, I can provide." She winked suggestively. "PUDDIN'!" Harley grabbed the Sewer King and started making out with him.
"MMMPHP!" The Sewer King struggled with the Suethor's newest and most obvious self-insert for which to vicariously ship herself with the Sewer King but not have to debase herself by creating an OC...so she can say she's so much better than every other Suethor in the fandom who went through the creative process to design their own OCs to ship with the canons. How's the atmosphere upon that high horse. "MMMMMMMPH!" His screams were again muffled by her breasts as she squeezed his face into them.
"I LOVE MY NEW PUDDIN'! THIS IS A GOOD STORY THAT'S BETTER THAN EVERY OTHER SUETHOR'S IN THIS FANDOM! SUCK IT, HATERS!"
The Sewer King pried himself free of Harley's grasp and ran for his life. He went above ground again. He threw off his cape. "Maybe regular life isn't so bad."
"Ooooh Puddin'...where'd ya go? Let's go shopping. I wanna pick out curtains," Harley's voice called from the distance.
The Sewer King burst into heavy sobs and ran down the street until Batman appeared around the corner and punched him in the face.
Harley's head stuck out of the manhole. "Oh, hey, Bats! How ya doin'! Is Mistah J still mad at me?"
Batman grabbed the Sewer King in one hand and revealed the Joker in his other hand, grabbed firmly by the back of his jacket.
"Harley, baby! So good to see you again! I've missed you!" Joker opened his arms wide. "Come give Daddy a hug. All is forgiven."
Harley squealed and ran into Joker's arms. "A terrible story, but at least it had a happy ending!"
"I couldn't agree more, right, Bats?" Joker grinned at him.
"You're all going to Arkham for a long time," said Batman.
"Yay!" the villains cheered.
Batman threw them into the Batmobile.
"Can we get McDonalds on the way, Batsy?" Joker asked. "Please?" He fluttered his eyelashes.
"McDonalds, McDonalds!" Harley and Sewer King chorused.
Batman grimace, slammed his foot down on the on the accelerator, and drove off.
"We'll see," he grunted.
THE END
