Phew, I thought this chapter was never going to get done. The initial draft I had, played things out differently but I had a lot of trouble writing it to feel natural so I had to play around with this until it came out in a way that's different from what I thought but it's good enough.
First of all, I want to apologised. I said that I wanted to update more often and I meant it. But some things came up and I ended up having to choose focus on my life first. It was a pretty confusing time and I had difficulty enjoying or keeping up with almost anything but it's gradually getting better now. I also hope to complete this arc soon, only a few more chapters left to go. (Yay and also nay, because I love this three together)
Thank you for the comments and I hope that you enjoy this chapter.
11th Night
Do you want to build a snowman?
Silence was something I hated the most even when I was alive.
There was nothing but emptiness and yet, in a twisted way, it was the loudest moment of any humans existence. Everything that I had avoided thinking and…feeling comes rushing forward, filling up the cracks of silence until it becomes…unbearable. I held my wrist tightly, circling my arms around my knees wishing that the mere action would keep away the impending flood of thoughts.
No such luck. There was never such luck.
It didn't help that I had just woken up shaking and cold with sweat from a nightmare. Fragments of it still fresh in my mind. Breath shaking and shuddering at the ghostly sensation of Alma's blood bound Innocence piercing through my chest, cracking through the regeneration core. Just the worst. Of all the dreams I could've had, it had to be the one that Alma went and kill everyone.
Shuddering, I hissed, letting out a steam of frustration, thoughts untangling and dropping on me like a ton of brick, one after another.
It's coming. My guts twisted, finally admitting it to myself. Summer had already gone, autumn was almost over and soon, winter would come.
And… My gaze dropped to Alma's sleeping figure, feeling cold for the first time…I have no idea what's going to happen.
No, I know. It's always going to be Yu. He's always going to choose Yu. Nothing would change. Even though, I was his friend first, I still know. From the beginning, Alma would always choose Yu. Even though he never said it, even though he tries not to show it, only an idiot would not notice the way he looks and acts towards Kanda. Even though the latter always screamed and threw fist at him, Alma never stopped trying. Even though, he tries to hide it, he always notices Yu. Nothing was going to change, it was always going to be Yu and Alma.
I don't matter in the grand scheme of things.
I wasn't even suppose to exist in the first place.
And then my stomach growled. "Oh muffin and skittles," Night time hunger pangs never really goes away. Time to raid the pantry.
Pushing myself of the bed, I snuck out of the room, carefully shutting the door behind me as not to wake anyone (especially a certain grumpy ass bear) up and made my ways down the ever dingy hallways that once seems like a maze but feels more familiar now. It didn't take me long to recall the route to the mess hall, speeding up a couple of steps to outrun the shadows that lingered behind me. They should really think about getting LED lights or even those soft yellow lights that seemed welcoming instead of this sickly orange that made me feel like I'm walking into a horror movie.
Relief flooded my system as the entrance of the mess hall came into my sight, like a warm welcoming friend. I sped up, licking my lips at the thought of all the food I could have and none of those pill crap. Chef Peng and Zu Mei Chang may never let me near a knife but damn hell am I going to let two old geezers get in the way of me and a delicious pipping hot meal!
I skidded in a stopped on my tracks, eyebrows knitting in confusion. Black hair, pint size, eyes and face knotted into a grumpy frown. Kanda? What is he doing here? Wasn't he supposed to be back at the room, snoozing away to god knows what? Keeping my steps as quite as possible, I snuck up to him, dropping to his ear level and whispered, "What you- mmh!"
Eyes widening, he grabbed me, covering my mouth. I had half the mind to bite down and knee him where the sun don't shine when I caught the scent of burnt tea and bubbling conversation.
We lowered ourselves to the ground, hiding behind the tall table and bench and under the blanket of heavy shadows as two figures emerged from the back of the kitchen, holding a flickering candle that lit bright enough to made out who they were.
"Burnt tea and a couple of stale crackers," Twi Chang stated as a matter of factly as she set the mugs onto the table and sat down in a gentle swoop, giving the other figure a half judgemental look.
Edgar gave a wry smile, rubbing the back of his neck looking sheepish, "I never claimed that I was a good cook."
"Hm, apparently you burn water too," She took a sip, face showing no expression if it tastes as bad as it smelt, "If I wasn't so tired, I could've done better."
"I have no doubt in that," He joined her, taking a single sip, expression shuttering before setting it down in the far corner. He wasn't going to drink it anytime too soon and Twi caught on, eyes twinkling with smug playfulness.
He coughed, "How are you holding up, Twi? You've been pushing yourself lately and you don't look too well."
She rested her elbow on the table and pinched the bridge of her nose, looking more tired than usual now that I had taken notice, "Well enough. I do feel a little nauseas as of late."
Edgar reached over the table and set his palm on her shoulder…and I couldn't stand anymore of this romantic crap and poked at Kanda's ribcage glaring at him to let go. He didn't even seemed phased almost like he's fixated on the conversation and melodrama happening right in front of him. I can't believe this. Well, you leave me no choice.
I closed my eyes and braced myself.
He recoiled, letting down and dropping silently backwards, wiping fervently away the saliva from the hand that I had licked him, mouthing words of "What the hell was that for?" angrily.
And for the first time in this life, I flipped him the bird, "Payback bitch."
He narrowed his eyes at me and I'm pretty sure that there's retaliation shinning in his irises…but he just turned his back on me and peeped at the corner sucking right back into the drama and romance.
Edgar slides into the seat next to Twi, "Maybe you should take the next few days off."
And she looked like she was considering it.
Okay, that's it. This was way beyond weird and I have to put a stop to this. Launching forward, I grabbed Kanda by his collar, pulling him back with maybe a little too much force causing him to tumble down on his butt. I dug my foot down onto the ground and towered over him.
"What the matter with you?" I mouthed angrily, throwing my hands in the air, "They're having a conversation. Why are we here eavesdropping on their moment like a bunch of creeps when we could be in that pantry filling our bottomless stomachs! What the hell is wrong with you?"
Jabbing my finger at him over and over in a repeated motion must've gotten old to him be cause he snapped his teeth at it. I recoiled, holding my finger against my chest. He tried to bite me. He's going to wish he never did that. Leaping, I tackled him, pulling ears but he anticipated my moves, grabbing my wrists and pressing his foot on my stomach, lifting me as far away from him. Dammit.
"…Qin"
We froze. Silently holding our breathes, we stared through the opaque table cloth where the two sat. Did they noticed us?
"Those three are always in some form of trouble or another," Edgar chuckled.
We sighed with relief. They were just talking about us.
"And you think that I can even get a couple days off with them around," Even if I couldn't see her, I'm pretty sure that she was shaking her head disapprovingly, and then her voice dropped into a more somber tone, "Even if they aren't causing chaos everyday, my hands are still too full to slow down. We need results, more than ever."
"Everyday, more and more exorcists are being shot down until what's left is a terrifying small number. It doesn't help that many predicted that the Millennium Earl would return or if our calculations were off, he had already returned," She continued, "Those three are our only hope. If this project doesn't work as intended, mankind is doomed."
We peeked over the tablecloth, watching as Twi sighed, slumping over the table looking undignified and tired for the first time, "And then, there are problems."
"Qin," Edgar eyes downcast as mine widened.
Me? Why me? I'm the problem? What's the problem? I could already feel Kanda's stares boring into the back of my head.
"The other two shows progress and signs consistent with the normal. They're both males, regenerative cores on the left, both dark hair, dark eyes, all associated with dominant gene traits. Qin on the other hand, is an anomaly."
I swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous.
"She's female, her regenerative core on the right, her hair is pale and her eyes are blue, both recessive gene traits and if the differences ended there, it wouldn't be a problem. She would still be a perfect candidate to be a apostle."
"You've noticed it as well, haven't you?" She leaned on her elbow, swirling her drink around the cup, "All the scratches, bruises and bandages that seems to last twice as long…And the worst of those from Synchro-testing."
"Her regenerative core may be defective."
My eyes widened, colour draining from my skin as I realised the implications dropping onto me one by one like heavy bricks. I gripped my shirt, suddenly hyperaware of every scratch, bruise and bandage marring my skin, recalling all those times where it stayed on even though Alma and Kanda had taken theirs off. Everything suddenly made sense.
"Or more accurately, it's behaving erratically," She sighed, "Sometimes, it heals fast but a majority of the time, it has taken her twice as long as the others to regenerate. And it's worrisome."
"Why?" Edgar sounded almost afraid to ask. I didn't blame him. I was afraid too.
"Sahlins is getting impatient for results. Defective or not, he's not going to stop to get it."
I'm defective…
Suddenly, I wished that I was alone here, listening to this. I could feel Kanda's heavy gaze on me and it's almost as suffocating as the new piece of information I've just heard. This was just the worst. Whatever they were saying, whatever they were discussing, I had already stopped listening, taking slow steps towards the entrance to escape from the entire situation. He didn't stop me. Good.
Once I hit the hallway, I started running. Making my way down the maze of hallways, I found myself out of breath in front of the large doors of the synchronisation room. Catching my breath, I pressed my palm against the door.
If there's something wrong with my regenerative core, if I'm defective, if there was something wrong with me…I squeezed my eyes shut, thoughts of a thousand things that could go wrong rushed at me, does that mean…I'm more likely to die?
This world suddenly felt scarier. I never admitted it before, but deep down inside, I was glad to have been born a Second Exorcist in this world, especially in this kind of world. Subconsciously or not, I must've felt okay…because of this core. Knowing now that there's something wrong with it, something wrong with me, chipped away at the mask of indifference I built for myself.
I always assumed that because I'm also a Second, that I'm the same as Alma and Yu…but what if I'm really not?
What if, when the time comes, I can't synchronise with an Innocence? What then?
Just that thought, opened up a can of worms that could never be closed.
It was morning. Even though there was never any sun in here, I could feel life coming back to the halls. Scientists were already on their way, walking by, yawning and some even look dead on their feet but still knew that they had to go. Some gave me a questioning look while other shrugged. I ignored both. I made my way to the Cold Chamber.
Closing the door behind me, I breathed in, and steeled myself.
"Qin, there you are!" Alma grinned, waving me over, "Where you been? I didn't see you all morning!"
"Well," I chuckled dryly, keeping myself in check, "The morning just started so you mustn't have looked long."
I laughed and stopped, rubbing the back of my neck. That wasn't funny at all. A look of worry dropped onto Alma's features. Concern was the last thing I needed. I crave normalcy and this is the closest I could get. Before he could get a word out, I pulled his book from the blanket and stare at it before lifting my eyebrows, "Still reading these?" I waved his romance at him. It was almost ridiculous how I caught him reading cheesy regency novels the first time round. I flipped through the pages, "Too much of this and you might just rot your brain."
"Hmph, it's not my fault that it's just so interesting," He puffed his cheeks defensively.
No, not really. Almost all love stories felt the same to me. Maybe that's because in the real world, romance was everywhere from movies, novels, comic books until it felt like nothing more than something that just exists. Or maybe I'm just not sappy enough to appreciate it.
"I dare you to read this to Yu."
"What? No!" He flushed, snatching the book right back to hide his face, "Besides, he won't understand much anyways! I don't even understand what some of these words meant."
Well, that's true," I plucked the book out of his grasp and started flipping through the pages, "These words are hard to understand sometimes. Especially to Yu and you since the both of you have been in this place your whole life."
"What? You mean you understand them?"
"Hn," I hummed without thinking.
"Wait, how do you even know what all these words meant anyways?"
"…" And how do I even answer that?
His eyes sparkled, a dark mischievous aura wrapped around him as he leaned down towards me deviously, "Don't tell me Qin have been secretly reading all these books behind my back? Admit it, huhu~"
"…" I give him an annoyed look and swat him off, "Of course not!"
Well, I did…in the real world. But like hell am I going to admit that!
"Liar," He giggled himself silly and I rolled my eyes. Childish, but I couldn't help but to smile. It was a small one but it was enough. I joined Alma, settling crosslegged on the blanket and poking at the stuffed bunny he was fond of.
"Qin?"
"Hm?"
"Do you…do you ever wonder what's the outside world like?"
No, "Maybe."
"I heard that there's a wide blue sky that changes colour according to the time of the day and there's a lot of plants all over! And there's lots of animals too! And there's people called Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter that bring changes to the world! Do you know that a dude calls himself Winter freezes the world? Cool right?"
"Uhh…" That's not really how it works, "Right, cool…"
"But even though that's mean, I heard that he also brings pretty things to the world like snow! Do you know what snow is, Qin? It's like white powdery things that's cold and you can play with it."
"Oh?" What's the problem in humouring him?
"I heard that you can make snowballs with snow and throw them at your friends."
"I sure want to throw one at Yu." He gave me a look, "Well, not you, but Yu…You know what I mean."
"Right," His eyes washed with excitement, "But the most fun thing I heard is that you can build things with it! Like a snowman! Isn't that exciting?"
He sighed, deflating a little, maybe realising that it might be a while before he even gets to see the real thing. But that didn't stop the wistful expression from returning, "I wish I could build a snowman with you guys too."
I paused, "I'm a girl."
"I know."
"Just checking," Clearing my throat, I pulled my knees to my chest, "So where's Yu anyways?"
"Oh, he's behind the pillar, taking a nap."
"What the fuck? When did he get there?"
"Well, he's been there from the beginning?"
You're kidding?
"You're all so noisy," A dark aura surrounded Yu but surprisingly this time round he looked so tired that he didn't even attempt to move. But I'm sure if there were some books near him, he would chuck them at us.
"Oh, you're finally awake! That's great! Now all three of us can…" Alma went on.
Kanda looked squarely at me, eyes unfriendly as usual but now had an odd sense to it. Squaring my chin, I looked away. I wasn't ready to face last night yet. If he even attempt to talk to me about it (not that he will. This was Kanda we're talking about), he can go and screw himself.
Synchro-testing was ten times worse now that I found out that there's something wrong with my regenerating core. Almost like a placebo turning into a nocebo. And it made me feel more sore and run down than usual. And it didn't help that the whispering in the synchro-testing room had been becoming stronger.
"Give me the usual," I slapped my palm onto the high counter and immediately regretted it.
The chef gave me a look of pity while his assistant burst out laughing. I gave them a deadpan stare. I'm glad that my pain is amusing to you. You're going on my grudge list. His laughter turned nervous under my unwavering stare and he pointed to the kitchen door, "I'm just going to go." The lad disappeared through the before the chef called out to him.
"Darn it, he was supposed to help me make buns today."
"You're making buns today?" I blinked.
"Yeah," He heaved a gigantic shiny bowl, a little white flour poofing due to the jostle, "I guess I'm going to have to do it later."
He set it aside onto the table before giving me my order that I'm not looking forward to. Hello, pile of vitamins and supplements. I took the tray, eyes never leaving the gigantic bowl of flour. Should I? Nah, I shouldn't. But I turned back, the strong urge gripping me. I should. I definitely should. Setting the tray down, I waited until the Chef had his back turned before hoisting the gigantic bowl and ran off as fast as my tiny legs could carry me.
Besides, I haven't done anything fun for a long time and I'm starting to get bored. And this, should liven the place up a little bit.
Grinning wildly to myself, I shuffled down the hallways until I saw Alma chit chatting with Kanda and ran right up to them, unable to keep the excitement from bubbling over.
"Alma, Alma, Alma!" I bounced on my toes ignoring Kanda's super annoyed expression, "Look at what I've got."
"What? What? What?" He blinked curiously.
Sprinkling some on his head, I said in a sing song voice, "Wanna build a snowman?"
"What, really? We can do that? With this?" He scooped a handful.
I back pedalled, "Well no, not really," He almost deflated, "But we can do another thing that is fun and can be done during Mr. Winter reign."
"What! What!"
"Ice skating!"
"Yes!" He pumped his fist, "How we do that?"
"Well," I set the bowl down and sprinkled a bunch on the floor and rubbing my feet on it and slid until I was face to face with Yu, "Like this." From the corner of my eyes, I saw Alma was sparkling with excitement at the prospect of ice skating.
Yu snorted, and turned around sliding back to Alma's slide, "Come on, it be fun."
"No, this is stupid," He turned and started to walk away.
Stupid? This was the most brilliant idea I ever had! And in that moment, I had an even more brilliant I idea. Grabbing fistfuls of flour I hurled the white powder at him, bits slamming into the back of his head, casting his hair white. He froze, tension spreading his back, before turning, murderous aura surrounding him. I grinned, daring him to come over. And I swore he even gave an evil smile.
And then I knew why.
"Oof!" I was hit by a fluff of white, bits of flour sticking to my eyelashes as I gasped and turned to Alma, "Traitor." and he grinned.
The three of us stared at each other and looked at the bowl of flour and back again. In that split second, all of us, leapt for it. My competitive spirit flaring up. There's no way in hell, I would lose to them. Throwing handfuls at Alma, I slid past a loose projectile only to be hit by Kanda's throw.
"Oh no you didn't!" I dived for more flour and the mini flour fight became a full blown chaos as we piled lose powder onto the folds of our clothes as ammunition and skated around and chasing each other down.
"What the hell is going on here?"
I froze, turning to catch sight of Alma skidding and slamming into Kanda (I wanted to laugh) only to take notice of a very, very angry looking Twi Chang in arms akimbo, tapping her feet looking like a goddess of fury. Her glare zeroed down on me, "What happened here?"
I hid my flour filled hands behind my back, "Nothing."
She looked unimpressed, "The entire hallway is coated in flour and the three of you are nothing but white all over and you're telling me that nothing is going on?"
I looked at Kanda and then at Alma before shrugging uncertainly, "..Yes?"
A scientist partially covered in flour appeared looking completely done and handed us each a brush. I lifted my eyebrow and looked at him, "What happened to you?"
He deadpanned, "I passed by the wrong hallway."
Oh...
"Clean this mess up," Twi sternly ordered, "When I come back, I want it spotless!"
And with that she walked away, heels clicking.
Holding the brush, I stared at it and then shrugged, "Well, I think I'm just going to go..hehe. See ya!" Dropping the brush and ignoring Yu's glares and Alma's dumbfounded look I tried to flee. Keyword, tried.
Flying in front of my face was a Golem that looked none too pleased, "I'm watching."
Sheep, there's no choice.
I scrubbed and scrubbed until my arms were sore and only a tiny spot was shiny and there was still a long way to go. Whining, I rubbed my forehead and to my chagrin, flakes of white from my hair and clothes stained the spot that I cleaned. It's like a never ending chore. Deflating, I lied on the floor and curl up into a ball.
I'm never doing this again.
Ah, I love writing this story but sometimes I get too caught up in trying to make it perfect and trying to do DGM some justice because it's about my favourite series in all time. So even though you all seen the final product (chapter by chapter) but in actuality, I've written many drafts with different outcomes (sometimes the characters would just scrap everything I planned and go for a different direction) and plotted many points on where the story could go.
And even though I keep telling myself to just write the damn thing and post it, I still can't help myself but to obsess over the details.
(hands up if you know what I mean)
And I think that I will push myself to finish it up with 'good enough' more often but I also think I might start a new fic that I can blow off some writing stress with no pressure. I was thinking something with BNHA? Of course, DGL will be updated first because I'm excited for the next few arcs because it was the first thing planned out before I started writing this story. I got so many twists and turns that it'll blow your pants off. But then again, I think you can handle it. We're all DGM fans after all ;)
Let me know what you think.
