A phone rang in the distance. A woman laughed hysterically. Hospital clogs trampled the floor. An alarm sounded. Two men spoke thickly. The hospital lived like every day.
"I...I'm coming!" Santana said stammering because Brittany's eyes were glued to hers. Brittany looked at her and breathed, her mouth tight and her eyes wide open. The palm of a hand was behind her back and a fist was clenched on the fingers of the other hand that had been inside her. Santana looked at that fist. What had she done?
"Are you okay?" Karen's voice outside the door was beating Santana like hail, not because she felt guilty towards her. No. She had not cheated on her. She didn't love her. She didn't care. Bitch.
"Sure! Two minutes and I come." This time she said it without stuttering.
She heard Karen walk away, she heard the sound of her footsteps lose intensity. Two minutes. To say to the woman in front of her something. What? Anything. Two minutes were enough? But who was she kidding? Feelings of guilt flowed instead of her blood. Karen had always been respectful and helpful. She had followed her rhythms, given her all the space she needed, she had never asked for anything more than what Santana could give her. She had never asked for anything. And instead what Santana had done? She had always taken, taken and nothing else, and she had also taken from Brittany. Taken and nothing else. Take was easy. It had always been. Take doesn't hurt. Not her. Instead yes. It hurt. It hurt and how. Because the woman's pale face and her red ears and her shining eyes they deserved more. What had she done? And why? She wanted to hurt her from the first moment she had seen her and now she had done it. She saw it. She saw it. And why she felt so bad? Why she felt her innards broken into thousand pieces?
"I'm sorry..." came from her lips involuntarily.
Brittany closed her eyes and breathed in and opened them again exhaling and giving a hint of a smile. "It's ok..." her voice was a whisper and after talking Santana heard her swallow and sigh again.
A pigeon landed on the windowsill, outside, tapping on the glass. Santana moved for a second her eyes on it and saw it stick its head under its shoulder and then take it out and shake it. But her eyes didn't stay long on the animal, because Brittany's gaze on her called her.
"I'm sorry... I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry..."
"Santana really, it's okay..."
Brittany looked at her and sighed and swallowed and clutched her fist so hard so that her muscles were shaking and Santana knew that she was not ok and yet Brittany said otherwise, why? But then what did it matter? Santana wanted to look at the clock to see if those two minutes had passed because there was no air in that room and she wanted to go out, to run away but somehow the blonde's eyes magnetized here in there. She couldn't get away from there.
"Hey..." Santana said softly and reached out to her face. But Brittany no longer wanted those hands. Not now. She turned her head to the side and Santana understood and withdrew her hand by dropping it at her side. And that refusal squeezed her stomach. She just wanted to caress her. She wanted to hold her and kiss her now. She wanted to throw a few punches in her stomach. But what was she thinking? Focus Santana. Boundaries. Boundaries. And why now she seemed to have permanently destroyed those boundaries? She had to go away, but Brittany was leaning against the wall next to the door and she had to approach her to open it, but if she approached her and smell her scent again... Enough Santana! Stop it! Do something, say something. Anything.
"Do you want me to say something?" Idiot, she thought. What kind of sentence. Stupid. But Brittany looked down, and although she shook her head, and although she was now probably cursing her silently, Santana no longer had her eyes on her and for that she felt relieved.
"I don't know what to say."
Brittany looked up quickly and fired her gaze on her eyes. "You don't have to say anything, everything's ok."
Ok. Now she was starting to get nervous. Ok? Why she kept saying that it was ok? It was not ok, she could read it in every inch of Brittany's body.
"But... maybe... maybe..."
Fuck. Brittany had tears in her eyes now and swallowed again like she was swallowing her own tears to prevent them from coming out. Hoarse voice. Red cheeks. Eyes dancing in every direction. Ask me anything. I do it. I swear I do it. Santana thought as she watched Brittany, and her heart melted.
"Maybe we can talk now, I mean," Brittany sighed, "when you can" she swallowed "if you want..." she lowered her head.
No. No. I do anything else, but not this. Santana thought. Because she didn't want hear what she had to say. She didn't want explanations nor excuses. The past, fuck, the past is past and she wanted that past to remain as it was because she wanted to still be angry with Brittany, she was not ready to forgive her. She didn't want to forgive her.
"I don't think... I don't think I'm in the mood to talk..." Brittany nodded slowly without raising her head "You know, with my daughter... and my family... and Karen..." Brittany raised her head and her eyes were on hers again. Santana didn't know what to say. Those blue eyes left her speechless.
Brittany nodded even slower and smiled faster "Ok, ok..."
Fuck, that ok again. Twice. Because every time she said ok it was like a needle sting her heart.
Then Brittany moved away from the wall, dangerously approaching Santana without losing contact with her eyes and Santana had to sigh to try to slow the beating of her heart. And then Brittany turned her back and reached the doorknob and turned it, the other hand still clutched in a fist. The door opened just barely and sounds of the hospital came clearly to their ears.
"You'd better go, two minutes have already long gone!"
Bang. Again that puncture to her heart.
"Listen..."
Santana tried to speak but "No Santana, get out and go to your family! They need you. I'm fine."
Kaboom. Brittany opened the door hiding from the sight of passers-by in the hallway. Santana closed her eyes and let the pain those words had brought, slip into her stomach. She deserved it. She went out. She didn't look at Brittany. But she distinctly heard the bathroom door slam behind her.
Brittany leaned her forehead against the cool wood of the door and remained that way with her eyes shut. She didn't have to cry. She didn't have to cry. She didn't have to cry. She had an upset stomach and a great desire to vomit. The clutched fist began to tremble and the arm moves in strong shocks and that was when she opened her hand. And looked at it. Without taking away from the front door. Her hand was almost dry, but there was still Santana in her fingers.
"Fuck!"
She whispered to the empty room. What should she do? What should she do? What had happened? Her mind was empty, it had not yet started to work properly, because everything she wanted to do was to bring those fingers to her mouth and her nose. No, it was not working. Her mind wasn't working and she needed to wash her hands, she had to take off Santana from her skin if she wanted to start thinking. She pulled away from the door and walked over to the sink and turned on the water. She had to feel her. First she had to smell her and taste her. She placed her hands on the sink throwing there the full weight of her body and being careful her fingers didn't touch the varnish. Her heart sounded in her chest erratic and revealing. Her breath burned in her throat. She couldn't do it. She just couldn't. She took her hand from the sink and brought it to her lips and breathed. Santana. She started to tremble. Santana. She closed her eyes again getting lost. Santana. No, not Santana as she remembered, but Santana of the past and Santana of the present. Santana in the infinity of her depth. Enough. She opened her eyes and threw her hands under the running water and took the soap and began to rub her hands violently and then washed her face. Ok. She was gone. Enough Santana. Enough. Never again. She couldn't allow herself it. She couldn't allow herself to dream again. The reality was the one that flowed with the water in the sink hole. She wiped her hands and left the bathroom. You asked for it Brittany Susan Pierce. Were you out of your mind? When you'll learn to think before you act? Stupid. Stupid. What were you thinking of? Why do you always mistreat yourself? She thought. She blamed herself. She tried in every way not to think about what it really hurt. Fate had played with her, it had given her Santana back just to remind her she had lost her. Santana didn't want her. Santana didn't want to talk to her and would never have allowed her to tell the truth. And it hurt more than anything else.
"Ehi Brie, sei pronta?" ("Hey Brie, are you ready?")
Brittany looked in the direction of the voice. Luciana was waiting for her to the front desk. Luciana. Lunch. She sighed and swallowed everything she had in her head and stomach and heart and eyes and in every throbbing vein.
"Ciao Luciana!" ("Hi Luciana!") She greeted her with an as much as possible sincere smile, even if at that time she wanted to lock herself in a dark place, without windows and without light and without the chaos of the world.
"Ciao tesoro, sei ancora vestita da mimo, quindi ancora non sei pronta!" ("Hello darling, you're still dressed as a mime, then you're not ready yet!")
She approached Luciana who smiled and looked at her.
"Ti sei dimenticata, vero?" ("You forgot, do you?")
"No, cioè si, ho avuto una mattinata un po' caotica." ("No, I mean yes, I had a little chaotic morning.") She smiled "Se mi dai due minuti mi cambio e usciamo, ok?" ("If you give me two minutes I change my clothes and we go out okay?")
Luciana nodded, and Brittany turned around and went to the locker room. Two minutes. Santana. She changed quickly, a pair of jeans and a hoodie. She took her jacket, her fuchsia scarf and went back to Luciana who was talking with Iolanda. Finn, Rachel and Maribel entered the ward the moment Brittany reached Luciana and Brittany felt her cheeks turn red. She had to get out of there, too many faces that hurt, she had to leave and never come back to that hospital. If only she could.
"Hey Brittany" Finn waved walking over to her and engulfed her in a hug.
"Hi Finn!" Brittany hinted a greeting as she saw Maribel sneak towards the north hallway with her head down. Then it was Rachel's turn.
"Oh Britt you don't know how you've been important for us last Saturday. For all of us. You know that, right? We couldn't find better than this hospital for our Anna. Did you go to visit her? I think that our girl needs to feel all our love, the love of all of us, all together in a great aura of positive energy so that she can recover quickly."
Too many voices that hurt her inside, because none of this longer belonged to her. She was deluded, she had tried to believe that fifteen years of separation were nothing compared to the depth of old and powerful ties, but now she knew that there was no place for her in this family picture, she knew that you can find just what is lost and you can only fix what is broken, but what is dead is dead. Brittany nodded without speaking. She felt empty. She felt alone. She felt hopeless.
Luciana moved and cleared her throat. Brittany turn to her and she smiled and she seemed to know perfectly what she was feeling now and when Luciana reached for her arm, Brittany felt a bit of that loneliness went away, rubbed away by the quiet comfort of her friend's caress.
"Uh guys, I want to introduce a dear friend of mine. Luciana." Brittany smiled sincerely this time at the woman "Luciana, these are Finn and Rachel, two old friends of mine."
"Sono I tuoi amici americani?" (They're your American friends?") Luciana asked curiously.
"Yeah!" Brittany replied and stood watching the three exchanged a few words of convenience, and listened to Rachel express all her happiness in being able to get a bit in Brittany's new life and to know her again. But Brittany was not part of that conversation and when Finn looked at her he somehow realized the moment came for him and Rachel to say their farewell and put a hand on his wife's lower back, pushing her towards Anna's room.
Brittany watched them as they pass through the north hallway and stood with her eyes on Anna's door even when Anna's room swallowed them. Santana was in there and there was Anna, too and that girl, too. Karen. She would have preferred not to know her name. If that girl had stayed just an insignificant and unknown face, she could even forget about her.
"Dunque?" ("So?") Luciana was next to her. Sure. Reality. Brittany turned again to her friend and smiled at her again and Luciana again smiled back.
"Andiamo a pranzo va!" ("Let's go to lunch!") Brittany replied dragging Luciana out of the hospital.
Santana said good bye to Doc Roy thanking him for his good news. Anna was fine, everything was going perfectly and the little girl's heart became every day stronger and healthier. Anna said good bye to Doc Roy, too but her face was telling a different story and when Maribel came in, she read immediately her granddaughter's big sed eyes and rushed herself next to her and took her hand and stroke her cheeks.
"What happened?" She asked Santana "She's fine, right?" She asked Doc Roy.
"Sure she is, mami nothing happened!" Said Santana before the doctor could reply.
Maribel watched Santana and her eyes were much like those of her granddaughter's.
Roy said goodbye again and started to leave but he met Finn and Rachel who were coming in and he stopped answering other questions about Anna and Santana rolled her eyes because today her family was too large and too noisy. She sat down on the chair beside the desk and rubbed her face with both hands, trying to relax massaging her temples and cheekbones and forehead and eyes, but she didn't know that closing her eyes was very dangerous because there was Brittany behind them: her demanding mouth, her teeth playing hide and seek with her upper lip, her chest rising under the touch of her own hand, her shy and determined fingers inside her and those tired and disappointed eyes. Santana's throat burned and she came back to reality while Roy finally ménage to leave the room and everyone's eyes were on Anna.
"Doc Brie doesn't want to be with me!"
"Doc Brie?" Maribel asked confused on the subject of the conversation. "You mean Brittany? And why not? What has she done this time?" Maribel expected everything from Brittany, that girl had always been so fickle and careless. But Santana immediately get her mother accusatory tone and felt she had to do something. Defend Brittany?
"She did nothing..."
"She told me she was staying a bit with me but she left right away." Anna moaned.
"...she had to go away. Anna there are other children who need her." It was true, Santana was not lying to her daughter, she was only distorting the truth a little. Basically it was her fault that Brittany had not stayed with Anna. Her fault?
"Then she didn't have to tell me!"
Rachel approached Maribel intrigued by Anna's story and Santana felt someone was trying to get her attention by tapping on her arm.
"Can we talk?" Karen whispered and Santana remembered her. And it frightened her. How can you forget a person? And the person with whom she had an affair. But what kind of woman was she? No. It wasn't her. It were the others. And their continuous and constant needs. And what Santana needed? Life was a horse and she was the jockey, life always trembling and powerful under her legs and Santana with the reins clutched in her hands and pulled on the bit. And she had to decide when to loosen the reins. She had to decide when to let it run. She didn't need Karen. She didn't need Brittany. She didn't need to apologize. She needed just to hold onto those reins. Giving an eye to the room Santana went out with Karen.
"Brie!"
"Eh?"
Luciana for the third time called her friend's attention. The restaurant "I 4 Cantoni" was five minutes walk from the hospital. Brittany and Luciana had discovered it eleven years earlier, after an audiometric examination to their children at the hospital and giving in to Bryan's and Eleonora's tantrums who were hungry and bewitched by the smell that came from there. It was a small family-run restaurant. Mother and daughter worked in the kitchen and father was at the tables, with his 79 years he ran every customer with a smile and a word.
"Me lo dici che cosa hai, o devo tirare a indovinare? Mi sembrava che noi fossimo qui per pranzare insieme, sai che cosa vuol dire? Due pranzano insieme, parlano del più e del meno, delle loro vite, spettegolano un po', magari ridono un po'… non uno parla e l'altro neanche guarda nella sua direzione!" ("You tell me what's wrong, or do I have to guess? I believed we were here to have lunch together, you know what together means? Two women eating together, talking about this and that, about their lives, a little gossip, maybe laughing a bit... not one speaks and the other one not even look at her!") said Luciana provocative. She knew Brittany as the back of her hand and she knew that hiding behind the pout that seemed to have invaded her friend's whole face, there was something big and deep that troubled her.
"Scusa Luciana. Scusa. Non è giornata oggi." ("Sorry. Luciana sorry. It's not a good day today.")
In fact it was a good day until shortly before. Santana had smiled at her, she and Anna had played with her and it had been all wonderful. But then... Brittany ran a hand over her face, picked up her unused fork and dipped it in the spaghetti alla carbonara in front of her, endlessly coiling the pasta around the iron with no intention of taking it to her mouth. She could not concentrate on anything. She had forbidden herself to think of Santana, but every thought brought her back to her mind and so she tried not to think at all, but she had come to the conclusion that it's impossible not to think, she had never realized how much her mind was active! Then she had forced herself to think fast and so she zapped in her mind changing thoughts quickly to not to be too focused on one thing, something that would get her inevitably to think of Santana.
"Dimmi che c'è che non va, per favore!" ("Tell me that's wrong, please!") Pleaded Luciana tired of her friend's strange behavior and wanting to be able to give her a hand.
Brittany sighed and looked at her and in that moment the memory of sex in that bathroom became too much. Too much everything. She let the emotions she had held up to that moment, slip on her skin and she shivered. She felt dirty, she felt used, she felt empty. Deprived of all identity. As if someone (Santana? Herself?) had stripped her and thrown her in an arena full of screaming fans, and now she was alone in the flurry of voices and cheering and whistling. She was alone and naked.
"Hey..." The other woman spoke and Brittany realized that she wasn't looking at her because her eyes were shut and her face were molded into a mask of pain.
She opened her eyes and looked at Luciana and a tear slipped accidentally.
"Hey..." again Luciana and Brittany didn't like to be seen as this. So sad. So fragile. She had to talk with Luciana. But what to say? Santana had been her hidden treasure and in all these years Brittany had drawn maps and maps given away to her friends with directions and routes that led to her, but none had ever shown any X. She felt like a liar. She was scared.
"C'entrano qualcosa I due che ho incontrato prima?" ("The ones I've met before got to do something with your mood?") Luciana asked hesitantly extending a hand on the table and grabbing Brittany's.
Brittany sighed again and shrugged.
"Ok, questo è un forse… e allora?" ("Ok, that's a maybe... and so?")
Brittany had to tell her. She had to tell her what had happened because she couldn't take it to keep everything inside herself and Roy had put a sort of ban on the subject Santana until Anna was under his care. She needed to give substance to those thoughts.
"È qui…" ("Is here..." A/N In Italian there's no need of the subject to understand the sentence) she said in a faint voice, while her cheeks reddened of a bright red.
"Chi?" ("Who?") Luciana asked.
"Sai… il mio… il mio… il mio grande amore americano…" ("You know... my... my... my great American love...")
Luciana's eyes widened and she froze. Brittany looked down at her dish finding comfort in the yellow of the egg clinging to the spaghetti and in the smell of fried bacon, and again another tear streamed down on her cheek.
"Are you serious?" Luciana asked after a few moments of silence, but she knew that Brittany would never have lied about her great American love. He had been her constant, her guiding star. For all these years.
Brittany nodded.
"Brie..." Luciana had no words because she couldn't even imagine what her friend was feeling.
Nor Brittany knew what she was feeling. "Sto diventanto matta Luci." ("I'm going crazy Luci.") Brittany told Luciana without looking at her.
"Hey..." Luciana tried to reassure her grabbing both Brittany's hands and squeezing them tight.
"Ho tutti questi sentimenti che mi perseguitano. Non riesco a smettere di pensare. Vorrei spengere la mia testa. Come si fa? Come faccio a smettere di pensare a l…" ("I have all these feelings that haunt me. I cannot stop thinking. I would like to turn off my head. How can I do that? How can I stop thinking about he... ") Her. No, no, she couldn't say that. She couldn't say "her". She was not able to. Roy had been even too understanding, but Brittany was sure it was because of Anna. He had to keep himself detached and professional from all that situation. But Luciana? What would she say? Brittany felt as if she had done something wrong, she kept hearing in her head her mother's voice. (The others don't like diversity. They only pretend to accept it but in the end no one likes what is different, what they don't understand. Do you want the others make a fool of you? Do you want them avoiding you like the plague? Do you want your child to be ashamed of having a weird mother? Do you want him to be ashamed of you? Do you want to lose the few friends you've got in this new place because you cannot keep inside you a little secret? You're just confused Brittany, you have confused friendship with love. It happens sometimes to get confused. Don't worry. It happens when you care too much to a person.) Brittany shrugged her mother's words from her head. With time and with the experience she realized that her mother was partly right, there were people who don't like at all diversity and there were people who had betrayed her, disappointed her, treated her badly because she was American and naive and too good and a single mom. And that's why Santana had become just a generic name outside and a case of diamonds enclosed within herself, because she was too valuable to give to others.
"L'hai incontrato?" ("Have you met him?") Luciana caught her attention.
Brittany nodded. "Quasi tutti I giorni da martedì scorso. Sua figlia è ricoverata nel mio reparto." ("Almost every day since last Tuesday. He…his daughter is hospitalized in my ward.") She said blocking her silent cry and regaining a bit of composure.
"Ci hai parlato?" ("Did you talk to him?") Luciana spoke slowly measuring the speed and volume of her words because she still wasn't sure what had happened to her friend, but inside curiosity and excitement and frenzy squeezed her stomach and she wanted to jump up in Brittany's lap and hug her tightly and dance with her and scream "Brie! Your great American love!" But Brittany didn't seem so happy. And Luciana, perhaps for the first time since she knew Brittany, realized how big was that love, bigger than she had ever imagined.
"No. Cioè si, tutti i giorni. Però non abbiamo parlato parlato. Prima…quando sei venuta in ospedale… io…cioè noi… abbiamo…credo…fatto…una sorta di…sesso?" ("No. I mean yes, every day. But we haven't talked talked. Before... when you come to the hospital... I... I mean us... we have… I think... we made... sort of... sex?") Sex. She said that word. She had to say it. Because that word was heavy, it was like being back teenager. (It doesn't mean anything.) The tree house in the garden behind her house in Lima. The first time Santana had touched her. The first time Santana had given her what she wanted more than anything else. Santana had been sweet and attentive and had smiled and had hold her and then after "It doesn't mean anything." She had said coldly. But for Brittany it meant the whole world.
Luciana opened her mouth in an expression between shocked and amused and Brittany felt the urgency to justify herself.
"Io non volevo, cioè, si, forse volevo, però, non lo so, è tutto così confuso, non volevo così. Volevo un bacio e…non lo so, e gliel'ho chiesto ed è successo…" ("I didn't want to, I mean, yes, maybe I wanted to, but I don't know, it's all so confusing, I didn't want that way. I wanted a kiss and... I don't know, and I asked for it and it happened...") Because she wanted it, but she wanted passion and warmth and love she had dreamed repeatedly for years but she had a quickie behind the closed door of a public toilet.
"Fammi capire. Gli hai chiesto un bacio e lui… oh Brie… Ti ha costretta?" ("Let me understand this. Did you ask him a kiss and he... oh Brie... Did he force you?") Luciana's eyes were frightened and serious now.
"No! No! No no, cioè si, non lo so. No. Volevo un bacio, tutto qua, non mi aspettavo che la cosa andasse oltre. Non lo so cosa abbiamo fatto. È successo tutto velocemente. Io non volevo però lo volevo… Dio quanto lo volevo. Sono quindici anni che non aspetto altro ma…" ("No! No! No no, I mean yes, I don't know. No. I wanted a kiss, that's all, I didn't expect things go further. I don't know what we did. It all happened quickly. I didn't want to but I wanted to... God, how I wanted it. For fifteen years I waited for this but...") but she couldn't see through Santana's eyes and this had changed everything.
"Ma cosa?" ("But what?") Luciana asked and Brittany didn't know how to answer because she was convinced that Luciana wouldn't understand. She lowered her head and shrugged.
"So?"
"So what?" Santana asked Karen trying to keep calm as much as possible. Karen had taken her out of her daughter's room and now they were outside on the terrace at the end of the north hallway. It was cold. With their every breath the air turned into dense, visible steam and while Karen didn't seem to feel the cold, heated by something that burned inside her, Santana clutched her arms to her chest and she was not sure that she did it just for the cold.
"What happened with your girlfriend?"
Santana threw a bitter laugh at the other woman, "You dragged me out here for this?"
"Don't pretend that nothing happened because I know something happened and don't pretend you don't owe me an explanation because it's almost two years we pursue this relationship and you mean a lot to me and... and you owe me an explanation."
So this was really why she brought her out. Yet she have been clear when she had met her. (I don't waste my time doing relationships. I'm a woman to be avoided.) but Karen had wanted at any costs to take her in her apartment that night. And the following nights. (You're the sexiest woman I have ever known. I don't mind having you that way.) Karen had continued that game at her own risk, she knew what she was facing (This is the only way you'll have me.) Santana owed her nothing, let alone an explanation. Yet. Karen moved from foot to foot. She was nervous. She was furious. Santana felt sorry for that girl. Here's what she felt. And that was why she spoke to her.
"Nothing happened. We had a fight, as we have every day for a week now. I told her she should do no harm to Anna. That's it." That's it? To lie was easy. To lie was healthy.
"You're still in love with her."
Santana 's heart stopped. An instant. Her whole body was silent at that moment. It was not a question. It was not a statement. It was something more. Santana grunted something unintelligible and lifted her chin to the sky "What the fuck Karen, it's been fifteen years!" But those words bounced like an echo in Santana's ears. There was no talk of Brittany. That was why nobody ever talked of her in her presence. Because words like these have the power to destroy the balance of a lifetime, to get that horse going out of control, that can't wait to unseat you. And she didn't have to think of Brittany because otherwise she saw again those sad blue eyes. And what she was feeling? Remorse? She didn't know how she felt. But those words were not to be said.
"I'm leaving Santana." Karen stopped her every move, her every possible reaction.
"And where are you going?" Santana asked and Oh thank goodness, she thought, but Karen had tears in her eyes as she answered "New York." And Santana doubted herself.
"Why?" Santana had her arms folded and looked at Karen and for the first time in two years she saw a determination in those eyes that she didn't know. Santana had played the boss with her and Karen had allowed her to, but the resolution with which now Karen was speaking to her, intrigued her. Frightened her. Santana didn't love her, she was sure of this, but Karen had always been there for her in the past two years, and what if she was losing her? What if she was losing her comfort, her support, her presence? Her father had told her many times "Plants die if you don't water them." And her father had the bad habit of always being right.
"You don't need me. I know that. You told me. And I have to go back to work."
Karen was leaving? And why the thought somehow relieved her? "Hey..." Santana approached the girl and tried to hug her because she knew she had to do something. A last desperate attempt to find a little warmth? But Karen stopped her. She closed her eyes for few seconds and then looked back to Santana.
"I didn't want to tell you, but maybe it's the only way for you to take me seriously."
"Karen..." Santana tried to redeem herself, she should say something, but what? That she needed her? That Brittany was nothing? But she could say her these things.
"No, listen to me. You think I don't care at all about your daughter, but it's for her that in these two years I waited. I waited for you to see me. I've been close to you even if you drove me away all the time, you treated me like your toy and I was fine with this because there was Anna who was sick and Anna is the most important thing and I knew that I couldn't ask you anything more. But now Anna is healing and she'll be fine and maybe you'll start again to take care of yourself and maybe you'll realize who really loves you..."
"Karen..." Santana reached out to her but Karen slapped her, pushing her back.
"Let me finish Santana!" She screamed. And then Karen said something that Santana never would have expected. "When you'll come home I'm going to ask you to marry me." She said.
Santana widened her eyes and half opened her mouth. Marry her? Where did this thought come from? What had she done to give her the illusion that there was something between them so important to think of such a step?
"I want a family with you and Anna. I love you. I want to take care of you and..." Now the girl was crying and Santana felt herself as the wicked witch of a fairy tale because she would never marry her. Never, not even for a moment that thought had crossed her mind, let alone the desire to spend her life with Karen. The girl had stopped talking and waited and Santana was once again speechless. What kind of day was that?
"You don't have to say anything. But that's what I'll do when you'll come back. So you have all this time to think about my words and to understand what is truly important to you."
With that she turned and walked back in the hospital and walked away.
"Ma non importa, Luci. Credo, sento che è stato l'ultimo atto. Buio sul palco. Sipario chiuso." ("But it doesn't matter, Luci. I think, I feel that it was the last act. Dark on stage. Curtain closed.") Brittany rested her head on the table "Solo una come me poteva pensare, che sarebbe stato tutto come prima. Perché la mia vita dev'essere così complicata!" ("Only someone like me could think that it would be everything like it was before between us. Why my life has to be so complicated!") Brittany moaned as her eyes moistened again. She felt naive, childish, the usual herself who lives in her fantasy world where people don't hurt each other. She felt stupid. Luciana began to stroke her hair.
"Oh Brie. La vita è complicate per tutti, non solo per te…" ("Oh Brie. Life is complicated for everyone, not just for you...")
"Si, ma la mia è davvero un casino, Luci…" ("Yes, but mine is really a mess, Luci...")
Luciana smiled at her friend, "Sei te che sei un casino Brie!" ("You are a mess Brie!")
Luciana said and when Brittany looked up and saw that smile, it seemed that everything could be better and she laughed and shook her head and said "I know!"
"You're a beautiful mess!" Luciana stroked her cheek wiping the tears that had fallen from Brittany's eyes. "Vuoi parlarne ancora?" ("Do you want to talk about it yet?") Brittany shook her head. She didn't want to think of Santana and wanted to get rid of that feeling of nausea that closed her stomach. "Lo sai vero che per te ci sarò sempre Brie? Non so perché non mi hai detto niente in tutta questa settimana e non mi importa, avrai avuto le tue ragioni, ma ti voglio bene e ci sarò sempre per te. Sempre, per qualsiasi cosa. Lo sai vero?" ("Do you know that I'll always be there for you Brie? I don't know why you didn't say anything to me all this week and I don't care, you had your reasons, but I love you and I'll always be there for you. Ever, for anything. You know that right?")
Brittany nodded, and an incredible desire to tell everything to her friend went up to her breastbone, but she only smiled. If she had lost Luciana for what she really was, she would never forgive herself.
The next morning, for the second time since they had arrived, Santana left Anna's room to take a break. Not that she felt the need of a break from her daughter, but Rachel had been particularly persuasive in convincing her to go out and get some fresh air: as soon as Rachel had come in the room that morning she had thrown up a number of reasons why Santana had to get out that room, on the fifth reason Santana's exasperation had exceeded warning levels and "Ok Rachel, if I take a break you promise me you'll shut up for the whole day?" and Rachel had closed her mouth and pretended to close key and Santana had collected her things, said goodbye to her daughter, said goodbye to her daughter again, said goodbye again and went out. There wasn't much to do outside of that room and certainly she wouldn't have left the hospital. The north hallway was quiet. A woman direct her a smile, Santana saw her every day, her son was in the room next to Anna's, but she was Italian, they never spoke. She smiled back and then reached the front desk. The old woman behind it looked at her over her glasses, just a quick glance, Santana knew that woman didn't like her, and she also knew that woman loved Brittany, Brittany spent a lot of time chatting and laughing with her. Yes maybe she had peeked at them sometimes. There was nothing wrong. She tried to clear her head from bad thoughts and took the elevator. She entered the glasshouse. As always, the place was full of people. There was too many people, so he went out in the garden, she near the statue of the tree with the blue bird and lit a cigarette. The smoke filled her lungs after more than a week of absence and a vertigo wrapped her head. She closed her eyes. It was a pleasant feeling. She had the impression of being able to forget all the thoughts that chased her. Anna. Karen. Brittany. She breathed in more smoke, but realized that a cigarette was not enough. She wanted to drink, get drunk, numb. She had to have a coffee. She put the half-smoked cigarette out and tossed it near the statue. Ok, it wasn't the correct attitude, but what the hell! She didn't care. Not now.
The bar was full of people, everyone was speaking languages other than her own, gesticulating, laughing at things she didn't understand, they were reading on newspapers news that didn't belong to her, living a different life. It was the first time she felt really foreign. She didn't know anything about that place. Even if she had been there for more than a week. She had been closed in the shell offered by the walls of the hospital, in that place suspended somewhere between dream and reality, the reality of the disease and the surgery and the mirage of the past. Brittany.
She was leaning against the counter and ran distracted a teaspoon in a coffee cup as she turned her attention to the bartender. Her blond hair was tied in a high ponytail and she was wearing a white coat. Santana's eyes ran down her body covered by the coat reaching its hem and then her heart speed up slightly. She had a pair of brown boots calf-high and her legs were bare, she saw the muscles of her thighs and her calves, the light brought out the curves of her hamstrings and the fold lines. Santana smiled and walked up to the counter on the opposite side from where Brittany was drinking her coffee, trying to sneak through the crowd to keep her from seeing her, but smiling again watching the scars in her knees (Dancing is an extremely dangerous business, San! Look at my knees!) What was she feeling towards her? It was hard not to see how much beautiful she still was. It was hard not to feel guilty. It was hard to find the anger that had kept her vigilant until yesterday. It was hard to look at her.
"Coffee" Santana asked the bartender keeping her eyes straight in front of her. The bartender turned around and grabbed a coffee cup from above the coffee machine and placed it under the spout from which a strand of a dark and dense and steaming liquid flowed. Meanwhile, he put a saucer in front of her and he laid down on top of it a metal teaspoon and brought a small wicker basket containing packets of sugar near her. He turned back, and almost dancing in a move that surely he had done thousands of other times, he grabbed the coffee cup simultaneously switching off the button that was pouring coffee and with a half pirouette he turned back to her and put the cup on the saucer. Ding.
"Have you changed your mind?"
Santana turned surprised by the words that were spoken to her left. She looked confused the blonde was still leaning against the counter, but now she was a few inches from her. And she felt her.
"Hi." Brittany said hinting a smile and Santana's eyes fell for a fraction of a second in the small brown spot in the right corner of the blonde's mouth ("Hey Britt a new freckle has appeared on your lip!" "It's not a freckle, it's a mole!" "No Britt it's a freckle!" "It's a mole I tell you!" "However, it's really cute, can I kiss it?") and Santana sighed.
"Hello." then Santana said coldly as she lifted her cup and took it to her mouth.
"No sugar?" Brittany asked and Santana blew into the cup shrugging and sipped the coffee and a velvety liquid flowed down her esophagus, dripping in her stomach like lava.
"Maybe a little sugar..." Santana noted lowering her head and placing the cup on the saucer.
Brittany giggled and Santana shivered as the sound echoed in her ears and crackled in her head and stomach. She opened a packet of sugar and threw a bit of the content in the coffee, using the spoon to dissolve it. She felt Brittany's eyes follow her every movement and shivered again.
"So? Changed your mind?" Brittany asked again. And she was not angry, she was not hurt, she was not sad, and her lips were stretched into a hint of a smile. But her eyes... Santana had not seen her again from the previous day. She had avoided her because every time she looked at her she felt ashamed. For what she had done. For making sad those eyes of her.
"About what?" Santana didn't really understand what the blonde meant.
"You know. Talk. With me." Santana drank her coffee again. And this time she swallowed it all, sipping and swallowing slowly as she took time to reflect on that question, and feeling Brittany's eyes again on her face. Under her skin. Did she want to talk to her? No. She felt that if she had talked to her and Brittany had explained her the reasons of her choice, she would have understood her, justified her, maybe even forgiven her and she was not ready for this. Not yet.
"Look, I don't..."
"Ok." Brittany interrupted her and smiled "I understand, there is no need for you to say it." Brittany looked at her and smiled "I had to try. One last time." Brittany raised her head and looked at the ceiling and was still smiling and that smile was so full of resignation. And Brittany's eyes mirrored every word Santana was speaking, every action she was doing and everything returned back to her and hurt her as they were hurting Brittany.
"I won't bother you anymore, I promise, but I would come to visit Anna sometimes, if that's okay for you. And if she's not too mad at me." Brittany smiled again but everything, her words, her shoulders down, her head bent, her eyes glistening, told that she had given up. And now it was even more difficult to look at her. Santana nodded. That was what she wanted, right?
"Ok. I've already paid for your coffee." Santana opened her mouth to tell her that she shouldn't, that she didn't want it, but Brittany had already left. Without saying goodbye.
"Thank you." Santana said to the bartender, but maybe she was saying it to Brittany. She sighed and walked away from the counter. As soon as she was out of the bar she decided it was time to go back to Anna and walked down the glasshouse to the elevators, but immediately realized that Brittany was going that way too, and she was in front of her, like the first day she had set foot in the hospital. Santana saw Brittany's back but now she knew exactly who she was. She followed her until they reached the elevators, she watched her cordially greet some of the people she met, she saw her walk while her ponytail swayed left and right, and Santana was struck by a sense of familiarity. There were people waiting for the elevators. Brittany stood behind a group of them and Santana came up beside her.
"Brie!"
Santana turned around as soon as she heard someone call the blonde. She saw Sara approaching Brittany running and followed her with her eyes. Sara came up, she was talking on the phone and the two began a conversation that Santana couldn't understand.
"Ciao Sara!"
"Indovina con chi sto parlando?"
"Con chi?"
"Bryan! Lo vuoi salutare?"
"Dammi il telefono! Perché stai parlando con lui? Bryan!"
Santana watched the two women play with the girl's phone. Brittany tried to take the phone out of her hands and the girl discarded her each time avoiding Brittany's hand.
"Bryan, tua madre è gelosa perché hai chiamato me e non lei!"
"Certo che sono gelosa! Perché ti ha chiamato poi? Me lo puoi passare?"
Santana watched the interaction between the two. They were playing. They were very confident. Santana heard Brittany speak that language that seemed so natural as it went out from her lips. This was her world. A world so far away from Santana's, she wanted to know that world through her. She wanted to know the language to feel a little closer to her, to find out something about her. But she understood nothing. Bryan. That was the only thing she could understand, unless that word have a particular meaning in Italian, it looked like the name of a person. The person who was talking on the phone with Sara. Sara handed the phone to Brittany.
"Ehi amore, qualcosa non va?"
As soon as Brittany had picked up the phone her face changed, it softened, relaxed, sweetened.
"Brie, ci stiamo mettendo d'accordo per le prove dello spettacolo, smettila di fare la madre protettiva!" Sara lughed.
"Zitta, sto parlando con mio figlio!"
It was then that Brittany noticed Santana and when she looked at her Santana saw her cheeks tinged slightly red and the blonde smiled at her. Now Santana was dying with curiosity to know who Brittany was talking with.
"Non devi chiamare quando sei a scuola!"
"Comunque Bryan è talmente carino che potrei farci un pensierino!"
Brittany shifted her gaze on Sara finger-pointing her face. "Non ti azzardare neanche a pensarci! È un bambino!" Sara laughed and said "Non è un bambino!"
There were other words but the elevator had arrived and the two had entered into it and Santana, instead, was left out. Thinking. Bryan.
On Thursday Anna was sitting on the bed. Sitting. Nurses had lifted the upper part of the bed, the one close to the wall and now she was no longer lying down. And Mami was sitting next to her, to her right. And they were reading, as in New York when her mother read to her before going to bed. But now it wasn't sleep time, it was morning and her abuela had given her a fantastic book: Feryopolis was the title. The cover was purple with a fairy and plants drawn and a diamond. A real diamond! Well, maybe it was not real but it was as hard as a real diamond and it was pink. And inside, that book was even more amazing because it was full of colors and drawing and pictures and there were a lot of things to discover. And, of course, it talked about fairies. Abuela Maribel was sitting in the desk chair and listened to Mami reading. Santana was reading what was the right equipment needed to find a fairy: binoculars, butterfly net, magnifying glass, jam jar, selection of mirrors, comfortable chair and refreshments. Maribel then realized that someone had appeared at the door and "Santana" she called. Anna was too busy remembering the list of things to catch a fairy that didn't notice her grandmother pointing the door with a nod of her head.
Anna felt her mother's light caress on her cheek. "Mira mi amor quién vino a verte." ("Look, my love, who comes to see you.") She told her. The girl turned and saw Brittany, she looked straight into her perfect blue eyes for a moment and looked back at her mom.
"Mami, no la quiero aquí." ("Mami, I don't want her here.") Anna said. Brie had behaved badly, she had gone away without saying goodbye after she had promised she would remain with her. People don't behave like that.
"I come in peace." Brittany said from the door and Anna turned back toward her. She had a beautiful smile, Doc Brie.
"Can I come in Anna? Just for a minute." Anna looked at her still studying her from head to foot, undecided about what to do. "I came to apologize, please let me do it properly and then I'm leaving. I swear!"
Anna looked at her mom to look for advice on what she should do. She didn't know what adults do in this kind of situations. When you are so angry or disappointed with someone, how much time must pass before you can go back to talking and joking with them? Mami was still mad at Brie after so many years! Maybe it depends on the apology that they take out to make amends. Maybe if she talked to Doc Brie, she would convince her to forgive her. Anna caught a movement from her abuela and looked at her. She was shaking her head as she looked at Santana.
"Maybe you should hear what she has to say, give her a chance." Santana said to Anna and she wasn't smiling, she had a serious face and she seemed to be thinking of something else as she spoke. But her Mami was right.
Anna looked back at Brittany, "You can come in." She told her gravely.
Brittany approached the little girl's bed and sat to her left, where she had been the last time. She had a colored paper bag in her hand, but when she sat she placed it on the floor.
"I'm glad to see you sitting." Brittany said, but Anna didn't want to talk, not yet. She nodded.
"You said you came here to apologize!"
"Yeah." Brittany said and Anna saw the tip of her cheeks turn red. She was really pretty. "I'm sorry Anna. I'm sorry I went away the other day. I'm sorry I even said goodbye. And I'm sorry for not having drawn for you. I had to go away because..." Brittany paused and lowered her head and she seemed she didn't know what to say, then she shrugged and sighed and continued talking, "...because of a stupid thing Anna. I thought it was important at the time." Then a strange thing happened, Brittany looked at Santana who looked back at her and the two stayed so for a while looking into each other's eyes, for a few seconds. Brittany looked sad and Mami had still that thoughtful look she had seen so many times, but for once it wasn't directed to her. And then Brittany looked at her again and stroked her leg from above the covers "But you were more important, it's just that I didn't realized then, you know, we adults sometimes fail to see things more simple, we complicate everything." Anna nodded. It was true. It was absolutely true! "How I've been with the apology?" Brittany asked and Anna giggled stealing Doc Brie a smile. "Is it a thumb up?" Anna shrugged, could she now not be angry anymore? "I promise I'll not run away anymore." Brittany said.
"Really?" Anna asked and Brittany nodded and smiled.
"Look. As a peace offering I brought you a little things, you want to see them?"
Brittany had brought her a gift? Then there was a gift in that bag? "Yes, I want to see them." Anna looked at her mother, who had not changed her face and her abuela was still shaking her head, though now she was doing slight movements, almost imperceptible in an endless no. Brittany took the bag and put it on the bed and pulled out a sheet of paper and gave it to Anna. In the paper there was a drawing of a star and a heart and a rainbow with a unicorn, all drawn with colored crayons. It was a weird drawing made by a grown woman, it had no sense, it was all confused, but full of color.
"It's great Doc Brie!" Brittany lightly hopped on the bed.
"Really? Do you like it?"
"Yes!" Now Anna was no longer mad and Brittany had not finished apologizing, she slipped her hand back into the bag and pulled out a stack of papers and a box of crayons.
"Now we can draw together!" She said, and then again put her hand inside and pulled out a small rectangular gift box, wrapped with a green and orange paper and a large orange cloth ribbon.
"Is it for me?" Anna asked to be sure, even if Doc Brie had already put it on her knees and she was quite sure the gift was for her. Brittany nodded and bit her lower lip.
Anna felt Santana close to her, she heard her breathing, but she was motionless and didn't say anything.
"Can I open it?" Anna asked her mom and when she nodded she started to unwrap the gift. She tore all the paper, it was so that uncle Kurt had taught her to open presents and she liked it a lot. Underneath was a purple box and when Anna opened the box her mouth fell open and so her eyes.
"Doc Brie…" she sighed. She stood there stunned watching the box open, she couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true. She touched the contents with just one finger and then looked at her mother, but she was watching Brittany and had a look between disappointed and amazed.
"Dr. Roy said that in a few months she could start dancing and so I thought that she'll need these to start." Brittany told Santana.
"They are beautiful Brie Doc!" Anna pulled out of the box a pair of pink ballet shoes. She was afraid to touch them, and if she had broken them? And if she had soiled them? "I can wear them Mami?"
Anna looked at her mom trying to get the most wrenching plea across to her with her gaze and those sweet eyes did the trick because Santana said, "Sure, hon!"
But she knew she couldn't wear them on her own. Brie and Santana were on both her sides and it would have been wonderful if they had both helped her, so she passed one shoe at her mom and the other at Brittany and waited for them to understand what she wanted. It didn't take too long. Santana lifted the covers and Anna shivered a bit because even though she had a nightgown, her legs were bare and it was not so hot after all. Then the two women slipped the shoes in her feet and she had to laugh because it was a really good feeling that her mom and Brie did together something for her.
"Abuela ven a ver!" ("Grandma come and see!") Anna called Maribel who approached the bed and even though she smiled and did a lot of praises about how good they looked on her, she was still shaking her head. Well, who knows what was wrong with her today!
"Hey Doc Brie, come here!" Brittany got closer to Anna and the girl grabbed her face and pulled it toward hers and brought her right eye to Brittany's right cheek and began to blink brushing the skin with her eyelashes. Brittany shivered and chuckled. "The Fairy's Kiss." She said to Brittany and "Thank you."
Her Mami taught her that. Once Anna had asked her, how a fairy kiss and her mother had made her feel it. It was soft and light, like a breath and tickled a bit. Mami had told her that The Fairy's Kiss should be given only to special people and Anna was sure that she could give it to Brie. Then the girl pushed Brittany's face away just a little bit and gave her a kiss on the nose. Brittany smiled, and her smile was almost as big as the Grand Canyon.
"Oh God!" Were the only words that came out of the woman's mouth as she grabbed Anna's face, like she had just done before, and kissed her temple and forehead. Brittany laughed and Anna laughed, and the two stayed so for a moment, looking into each other's eyes and laughing. Doc Brie was very super special.
Friday. This time Brittany was early. When the alarm had rung she was already up. She had run down in the kitchen, prepared the breakfast and waited for Bryan. They had eaten together. Bryan had matted hair on his neck, it happened every morning since he was little. Bryan particularly liked sleeping on his back. They didn't have laughed that morning and Brittany had waited for him sitting at the bottom of the stairs. And they had left ten minutes early and there had not been traffic on the road to Florence and the sky was still white but this winter didn't want to snow yet. She had told herself that she was fine. She had forced herself to believe it. It was much simpler. And since it had worked in the past it would work now too. Brittany knew that hiding the pain to herself, pretending it doesn't exist, first upsets you, but in the long run it makes you numb, it makes you a rock. She had to focus on positive things. Her life was fine. Bryan. Her friends. Her sister. Her dad and well, her mom too. Her work. Anna was a sweetheart. And stop. Stop the thoughts before they could degenerate. Now they were in front of Bryan's school waiting for the gates to be open. Brittany was silent. And Bryan thought that he preferred when, on the morning they were all in a hurry and he could get mad at her and she joked with him. This timely and serious mother left him somewhat bitter taste in his mouth.
"Everything okay Ma?" Bryan asked after two minutes had passed since Brittany had stopped the car and didn't have opened her mouth. Brittany looked at him. She looked tired. She looked older that morning.
"Yes, of course." She faked a smile and reached out and grabbed his hand stroking it. Bryan knew that there was something wrong. "When you were a little boy you liked so much when I stroked your hands. We lied on the couch watching cartoons and you nestled close to me and I hugged you and stroked your hands. Do you remember?"
"Of course I remember." He had an urgent need to move away from his mother's caresses, he was no more a boy and wanted to tell her, but his mom was sad that morning and he let his body relax and enjoy that contact, the last thing he wanted was to make her sad even more. "What is it, a bit of nostalgia? Are you thinking about another Pierce baby boy?" Bryan wanted to joke, but when his mother lifted up her eyes Bryan saw that it was not nostalgia, it was more, it was desire and sorrow and resignation.
She laughed with her nose and look down at their joined hands "No." She replied. "No... not another boy... maybe a girl..." Brittany chuckled and with a finger traced the lines of Bryan's palm. It was so hard sometimes to understand her. It always had been, his mother was unpredictable. But when he was a child there was physical contact that filled their distances. It was enough that his mother look at him straight in the eye to know exactly what she wanted and there were hugs and caresses and cuddles and nightly visits in her big bed. His mother's arms were the safest place in the world and also the most beautiful. And with her, games were hilarious and there were tours to cities and countries and castles and museums and there were hikes in the woods and Bryan was always scared when his mother took him into the woods because it was like Brittany found a kind of calm and courage in the nature around her house and every time they went there it was to deal with some important thing: why people die, how babies are made, what is war, why there are friends who hurt you. It was in the wood that she had told him of his father.
"Ma." Bryan grabbed his mother's hand and began to caress her. He tried to rediscover that contact, he tried to find her again because, the more he grew the more it seemed to him to lose her, there was something between them, a shadow that Bryan couldn't name a deep wound in the woman, and which divided them and caused misunderstanding. And in the last week that wound had become an abyss and each one were on the opposite sides and in the middle that unbridgeable chasm.
"Hmm." She said, looking at him. And Bryan shook his head. He knew he couldn't help her. He couldn't reach the other side and hold her and tell her that everything would be ok again. Or maybe yes, it would have been easy to help her. But maybe just maybe he didn't want to. Maybe he didn't want to help her. He didn't want this responsibility. When he had become so selfish? He had always been perhaps? Because when it came to his mother everything became confused. But he was fed up with burden himself with his mother's happiness. He knew well he was her happiness. But he didn't want it any more. He had just started to live his own life.
"Look, you talk to someone, right?" He asked her.
"What?"
"I mean, I know there's something bothering you, and I also know I'm your teenager son and you don't want to talk to me about some things and that's okay, neither do I speak to you about some things..."
Brittany raised her eyebrows, "No?"
Ok, maybe it wasn't the right thing to say to his mother, but it was the truth! "Ma, I'm serious! You know what I mean!"
"I'm serious, too!"
"Ma!"
"Ok sorry, go on."
"I want to say that I'd like you to talk with someone about what's bothering you, maybe with Roy, or with Luciana. I see you, I know that there is something wrong. At least talk to someone. I don't like seeing you like this."
Brittany looked at him again with that look of adoration that entered his muscles like medicine, it burned and soothed.
"Have you the slightest idea of how much I love you?"
"Ma!" Bryan didn't like too much expressions of affection and his mom knew it.
"Thank you. My baby is the most fantastic in the world!" She laughed and patted his head, "And yes, I've talked a bit with Luciana and a bit with Roy, but the only person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me, so..."
"No?" Bryan saw his mother's eyes veil with a familiar shadow, which he had seen so many times as a child. The woman shook her head. "That person is really stupid!"
Brittany smiled, "Don't you say that word in front of her!"
"Her?" Her. So a woman was upsetting her. All this turmoil caused by a woman? Bryan knew that the coming of her friends from America had upset her and he supposed that something had to do with her great American love, and instead a woman was upsetting her so much? But why he could never fully understand his mother? Why the so accessible blue of her eyes concealed an unthinkable depth. Fear, worry shone through Brittany's face. Brittany had told him something she didn't want to tell him.
"Yes, her."
"Your friend from high school?"
Brittany sighed and nodded and Bryan realized that the conversation was embarrassing her mom and was getting her nervous, he felt that in her hands that was sweating now and pressing tensely in Bryan's, he saw it in her eyes that roamed over every corner of the car without finding rest, he read it in her lips opening and in her throat moving as if to speak, but couldn't find the voice. He changed the subject because there was nothing more he wanted to know now. He didn't know why, but he didn't want his mom talking about that thing. Whatever it was. He didn't wont to know it.
"Ah Ma, I'm staying at Stefano's this afternoon, we're studying a piece for piano four hands, okay?"
"Ok." she said and her gaze finally stopped and she sighed.
"And maybe I'll stay over."
"Maybe?"
"We have not decided yet. It's ok for you?"
"I should talk to his mom."
"No, you shouldn't. Why? You don't trust me?"
"Of course I trust you, but you're not even 14..."
"In two weeks it's my birthday!"
"Exactly, you're not 14 yet and I want to call his mother to know where are you going and if it's okay for her you stay for the night!"
"Ok, do as you wish!" Bryan crossed his arms and sank into the seat. Why it was so difficult being Brittany Susan Pierce's son? One moment he loved her and the other he wanted to slap her.
"Hey." Brittany reached out and brushed the hair from his forehead. "Thank you." Bryan looked at her and smiled. "I love you my baby!"
Bryan nodded and looked out the window that none of his classmates, who meanwhile had begun to gather in small groups in front of the gates, was looking in his direction and then turned and hugged his mom, a quick hug and "Love you too Mamma!"
Bryan pulled away and opened the door quickly getting out of the car.
"But anyway I'm calling Stefano's mother!"
Bryan closed the door and, turning his back to her, he raised his hand over his shoulder and waved goodbye. He didn't see his mother, but he knew that she was smiling and Bryan finally felt relieved.
Brittany did everything just staying focused on what she was doing and avoid thinking too much. She arrived at the hospital and got ready for the dance lesson on Friday morning. The ward's children they all had something wrong with their hearts and Brittany knew she couldn't get them to straining too much. Together with the physiotherapists she had studied some moves that would help the kids and entertain them without making them any harm. She taught them to dance with their heads or tongues or eyes, with the help of their parents made them dance while sitting on wheelchairs, giving them a piece of paper and crayons she taught them to dance with their hands by drawing all that music suggested them, and she taught some simple steps to the less severe patients. Everyone wanted to take part to Doc Brie's dance lessons. Sometimes there were also children who sneaked up from other wards.
When she finished the two-hour lesson, Mauro, Sara and she moved into the room of the little Igor. Igor was a two years old Siberian boy who was waiting for a new heart. He had wires and tubes coming in and out his little body, but he had always a beautiful smile when they visited his room. He liked lullabies and they sang and played them for him and he cheered feebly and his mother cried. Brittany looked at the woman who drawled just a few Italian words and wondered how hard it must be to be waiting in a hospital room the death of someone else's child in order to save yours. The two women looked and smiled at each other every time the actors left the room.
Another difficult thing on Friday was to go in the onco-hematology ward. Every Friday there was a special lunch for the children of that ward and that lunch was served by the hospital's actors and musicians and clowns, they came from all wards, a colorful army of wigs, musical instruments, strange clothing, painted faces and voices and laughter and that ward lacked many things, it lacked hair most of the time and the security of the future, it also lacked hope and the light-heartedness, it lacked energy and health, but there were children and there were terminally ill patients and their faces that smiled when they joked with them, and there were their eyes which gleamed and waited for those clowns to make them feel a little normal again even for a moment and it was so hard and difficult to smile in front of them and play with them and never let fall the smile from her lips or reveal the compassion from her eyes, but make them smile filled Brittany's heart with immense, supernatural, mystic joy. Those kids were so strong. Fuck the death hovering above them.
She had lunch with her colleagues, she called Stefano's mother, Bryan's friend, and then drove to the school dance. Friday was the most chaotic day at school. Brittany taught in four classes, a professional one, a group of dancers who worked for a local TV station, and the others composed of children aged 4 to 15 years.
When she dismissed the last class, it was 7:35 PM and she really needed a shower. She was the only one left in the school now. The other teachers ended long before her on Friday, and she had to close and usually couldn't wait to do it, gather all her things in a hurry, get in the car and speeding as fast as possible to her house where Bryan and her bath waited for her. But Bryan was not home that night and she didn't really want to come back to her huge house by herself. She opted for a quick shower in the locker room. Locker rooms were cold and smelled of teenagers sweat. Brittany smiled and then shuddered. Santana. She didn't have to think about her and yet she couldn't help it. Every little thing brought back the thought of her. She felt hurt and disappointed and saddened, but at the same time since Santana was back in her life she couldn't stop thinking that she wanted to love again, to lost herself and found herself again. She had no more loved anyone. Not after Santana. Not before. Not so. She dressed quickly. She dried her hair and walked out, closed the school and slipped in the car and drove off. And it was not long before she realized she wasn't going home.
The hospital at night wasn't much different from the day. Always the same comings and goings of people, always the same colors. But there was an aura of respect: people whispered in the hallways, nurses were careful to put gently tools in dressing carts, the doors were half closed, and even children who couldn't sleep because they were too scared or excited they whispered too and cried quietly.
Anna was sleeping. When she had entered the north hallway she had stopped because what would she say? There was no reason why she was there, but there was no reason she was somewhere else. She had slowly approached Anna's bedroom and when she had seen the door open, had peeked inside. Anna was sleeping and sitting on a chair next to her there was Santana asleep as well, her head resting on her arms resting on the bed. Her face was turned towards the door, towards Brittany and although the room was dark the light coming from the hallway dimly lit her. Brittany leaned against the corridor wall opposite the door and stood watching them sleep. Anna and Santana were so much alike. They had the same shape of the eyes and the same full rosy lips. And they were beautiful, so beautiful to leave her breathless. Brittany stroked Santana's face with her gaze, her amber skin, barely lit, the shadow of her nose on her cheek, her jaw. She had lost her. She had lost the chance to be part of her life. Anna could have been hers. They could have been a family. Santana, Bryan, Anna and she. If only she had chosen to share her baby with the woman she was watching now. Yet...
"What are you doing here Brittany?"
Brittany turned around in the hallway, a few inches away from her Quinn was eyeing her with arms folded and a look of defiance. What was she doing there? She didn't know. She knew she needed to see Santana. She knew she wasn't ready to surrender. She knew she had waited fourteen years, 5 months and 17 days to see her, and now she wanted to see her again and see her forever and she knew that her instinct had led her there that night and there had to be a reason.
"Quinn... I... nothing..."
"Well, go do nothing somewhere else, then! It was not enough to hurt her once? Do you want to do it again? Or do you want to hurt her daughter this time?"
Brittany smiled sadly and lowered her head.
"We were friends long ago..."
"Yeah, before you decided to run away like a coward without even an explanation. You haven't hurt just her Brittany."
She looked back at her. Really? Brittany had always supposed that the others didn't care anything about her. After the others had graduated and she had not, she had lost them. They were all taken with affirming their own independence all over the nation, and yes, she had met them back a few times, but they had gone ahead and she was left behind. But she had hurt someone other than Santana?
"Believe it or not Quinn, everything I've done in the past I did it for her. I loved her. Much. She was the most important thing for me. If I had not gone, if I had not disappeared, Santana would have never become the woman she is today and now that I see her and I see Anna I know I did the right thing and if I could go back I would do it again a hundred times." She then looked at Santana. Santana unaware of everything. Santana fragile and strong. Santana scared and so brave. Santana. "I've never loved Quinn, I've never loved anyone like I loved her. I..."
And then Santana opened her eyes and looked at her. Their gaze met and chained and tied and Brittany lost all the words and all the wills. Her heart began to pound in her throat and chest and in every vein. Santana got up from the chair and walked toward her, their eyes like a rubber band drew her to Brittany. One step and then another and Santana left the room and yet another step and another and Santana was now in front of her.
"Ok." Santana said crossing her arms. "Let's talk."
And Brittany had no words. Santana had stolen them to her and they didn't come back and Brittany couldn't even move. She didn't have hoped so much for that night. When Santana broke the rubber band that bound their eyes Brittany breathed and so much life had never entered her lungs.
"Quinn, can you stay with Anna?" Quinn looked at Santana and then looked at Brittany and then back to Santana.
"Of course."
And Santana came back into the room, picked up the coat that was on the chair and then left, walking down the north hallway with her head down and Brittany had to move from there, she knew it but she couldn't. Nervous. Scared.
"Be very careful about what you're doing Pierce!"
Quinn's words woke her up. She pulled away from the wall and followed Santana nodding to Quinn as she passed by.
Santana was waiting at the front desk.
"Take me out." Santana told her as soon as Brittany got near her.
"Ok." And this time Brittany went ahead and Santana followed her, a step behind her, she followed her to the elevator and down in the glasshouse and out of the hospital and up to her car. Without words.
Brittany opened the car and got in and a few seconds later, Santana got in too.
"Have you had dinner tonight? Are you hungry?" Santana nodded and Brittany deduced that she was answering the last question started up the car and drove off to the nearest McDrive (A/N McDonald's drive-thru).
The ride was silent. Santana didn't have opened her mouth yet and looked out the window at Florence lights that flowed beside them and had her hands resting motionless in her lap. She looked tired. Brittany turned on the radio because she couldn't stand the silence and didn't want to think. What was she going to say? How was she going say it?
When they reached the McDrive Brittany asked, "That's okay?" Santana nodded. "What do you want?" She asked again. Santana shrugged and smiled.
"Have they different things than what we have in America?"
Brittany laughed. "I don't really know." And she didn't know because she didn't have been in an American McDonald's since a long time now.
"What do you get?" Santana asked and Brittany for a moment felt light, it seemed possible to have a conversation with Santana that didn't concern the hospital or Anna or their past. She would have liked to get to know her again.
"Fries?"
"Do you have Chiken McNuggets?"
Brittany smiled. "Yup!"
"Chiken McNuggets, then!"
"Ok." Brittany said and lean over the window to order. "Drink?"
Santana shrugged and Brittany ordered.
After they had their snack Brittany restart driving. The car moved through the lanes of the city as if she knew where to go and Brittany let her body drive them and she knew where that car and her body were leading them. There was a place in which she had always wanted to be with Santana. Roy had shown it to her. She had recently come back from Rome and Roy had started his flirting and had taken her to one of the most romantic places in Florence, but Brittany, as soon as she had seen it, she had thought of Santana and had wanted to take her there, and see the city lights reflected in the black of her eyes. And every time she had been in that place, the desire to share it with Santana had persisted and grown stronger.
And so she came to Piazzale Michelangelo. She parked the car and got out first grabbing her fuchsia scarf and her hat with the duck and then the McDonald's bag.
Santana looked at her. Brittany had to be crazy, she was really going to eat outside, with this cold weather? She buttoned her coat and went out. "Hey, don't you think it's a bit cold out there!" she followed Brittany with her eyes as she approached a parapet at the end of the square beside the parking lot and climbed on it sitting on top.
"You wanted me to take you out. Come on." Brittany shouted and laughed. It would have been the ideal place for a first date, but she just wanted to share with Santana a piece of her world.
Santana approached her quietly. Brittany was perhaps older, but she still did things that made no sense. But slowly, as she approached her, Santana saw what was beyond the parapet, beyond Brittany. Florence.
"Oh my…" She lost her words, the landscape beneath her was indescribable. The illuminated cathedral overlooked everything, and next to it the city burned of lights that mirrored in the Arno River "It's beautiful!" Santana whispered as she shifted her gaze to the right and left swallowing each and every glow and monuments that stood imposing themselves on the rest of the city and which she couldn't name, every flow of the river, every bridge that connected in strips of lights two banks in the city. It wasn't New York, it wasn't America, it was nothing she had ever experienced before: the low houses, the ancient buildings, as if the years had stopped in the past. It was the weight of history and the warmth of the discovery. It was Brittany.
"Yeah..." Brittany whispered as she watched the night view in Santana's eyes. Finally. And she smiled. And she had never loved Florence as at that time. She passed her scarf to Santana. "Put that on."
Santana looked away from the city and looked at the scarf and grabbed it hesitantly wrapping it around her neck. It was soft and there was Brittany in its smell. Santana took a deep breath. She didn't have to go so far with that woman, but when she woke up just before and had seen Brittany and had seen her eyes... she wanted to know. Now Santana wanted to know why. She wanted to know everything. She leaned against the parapet watching the sight of the city that stretched to the horizon.
"I love here." Brittany said as she opened the brown McDonalds bag and gave Santana her snack. They ate. Next to each other. They ate that way, in silence while the cold wind came under their skin and the tension grew. Neither of them knew how to start to speak.
But Santana could no longer bear the silence, it screamed in her ears like an animal in a cage, it beat her chest and burned in her stomach. She stood dropping the papers and boxes that were in her lap.
"Come on, tell me. Just tell me. Tell me why!"
Brittany was not expecting that. It didn't have to go that way. Nothing was ever as she lived it in her head. She came down from the parapet and picked up the fallen things from the ground and went to throw them in the trash that was just a few steps away from them. Just a few steps away. The silence that stretched itself.
"What is it now? You're running away again? You asked me to talk, and now you don't know what to say?" Brittany turned and calmly walked back to her and opened her mouth to speak but "You know what I think? I think you don't have an explanation. Because there's not an explanation. I thought about it so much in all these years. But I couldn't find it." Santana had raised her voice. There weren't many people around and the few didn't understand what they were saying or weren't paying them attention.
"Santana..."
"No, I racked my brain to understand. I thought about it until I get a headache trying to figure out what made you run away. What I did to make you run away."
"Santana you didn't..." Brittany was standing with her hands deep in her jacket pockets, trapped by the cloth because, if she had left them free they would have grabbed the woman by the shoulders and forced her to stop her words. Santana's fury on the other hand was trembling all over her body.
"I relived that last day in my mind thousands of times, looking for an explanation but I haven't found one."
"Santana please..."
"No, how could you say 'I love you' and then vanish! Vanish. How can you behave like this with the person you say to love. You didn't break up with me! You just vanished, without a reason. Without a word. And no matter how many excuses you're going to tell me now it doesn't change the fact that there was no real reason, and I can never forgive you for what you did to me. For what you did to us! You destroyed everything in an instant you destroyed everything we had built over the years, you destroyed me, do you realize that? I thought you were dead because it was easier for me to think you were dead rather than thinking that you were purposely hiding from me and forever. I wanted you to be dead!"
"Santana please..." Santana's words were blades that cut deeply and Brittany couldn't help but think that she deserved them. She deserved to suffer.
"I never believed you were so selfish!" No. Santana could tell her everything but not selfish because she had lived for her first and then for Bryan, and their happiness was the only thing that made her proud and contented and no. She was not selfish. "Did you ever stop, at least once, to think of me, of the hell you made me go through..."
"Santana I was pregnant!" Brittany shouted and Santana stopped breathing "No." It went out from her lips without air.
"I was pregnant. I was pregnant." Brittany repeated in a whisper, and then dropped to the ground and curled up hugging her bent knees and waited. She had said it. It didn't take much. Now she just had to wait for Santana to understand those words and then... and then... what was going to happen next?
Pregnant. Pregnant. A child. She was expecting a child. For the umpteenth time Santana relived that night in June and still stroked Brittany and undressed her and this time stood on the memory of her tummy, but there was nothing, nothing strange in there. No. It wasn't true. It wasn't possible. Yet. Pregnant? This changed everything. This. Who was the father?
"Not Sam. Don't tell me Sam's the father."
Brittany looked at Santana and nodded. Once.
"Fuck." Santana walked away from Brittany, ran her hands through her hair and mumbled something. Brittany was still waiting because she didn't know what to do or what to say. She had practiced that speech many times, but it was never that way. Santana came back to her.
"What is it? You both moved here together and started your beautiful little happy family?" Because maybe now she could understand, Brittany had come that night, had fucked her and then she had gone to live her beautiful life in Italy. That was the reason.
Brittany stood up.
"No. No. He lives in Arizona with HIS happy family, his wife and his children."
"What? I don't understand. Why didn't you tell me? Why running away? Why vanishing?"
Because I loved you Brittany wanted to say but "Because you had to live your life." she said.
"What life? I didn't have a life! I lived in Rachel and Kurt's apartment and I barely made end meet. What life?"
"You had a lot of projects and I... if I had told you?"
Santana turned to Florence. It shone as if nothing had happened, as if her life had no meaning, as if it didn't matter to anyone that in that square dominating Florence there were two women and their pain. Santana had thousands of questions, but she couldn't grasp any, she felt as if she was falling, as if someone had cut the ground from under her feet, and now she was plummeting.
"Why Italy. Why so far away?"
"It's been an idea of my mom. Bentley lived here and… I think she didn't want her neighbors, her friends from church to know I was stupid enough to get pregnant. I don't know. She was ashamed of me, I think."
Anger burned in Santana's chest. Susan. Brittany. And then another rage. A new one. Towards herself.
"You should have told me..."
"And then?"
"I would have helped you. I would have taken care of you and your baby. You shouldn't have to hide on the other side of the world."
"You had other projects San. And I know you'd left everything for me, and I knew it even then, but I couldn't allow it. You had to live your life. Not remedy my mistakes."
And now Santana was lost.
"You came to tell me right? That night you came to tell me?"
Brittany nodded, "I wanted you to save me. But that night I realized I had to do it by myself. I had to save me and both of us."
Santana walked towards the car. "Take me back to the hospital!" She commanded. She wanted to go to Anna, she didn't want to see this woman anymore and didn't want to hear her speak. She didn't want to justify her. He didn't want to forgive her. He didn't want to understand her. She looked frantically for her anger and resentment inside her but couldn't find them, she felt empty, deprived of a feeling that had heated her in the past fifteen years. But she didn't feel anything. She wanted to cry and wash away the guilt that peeped into her throat. She opened the car door and slipped inside. She closed her eyes and sank into the seat and then looked at Brittany who was leaning to the parapet. She saw her shoulders rise and fall and that ridiculous orange hat bobbing with her every breath.
Brittany stood for a moment outside. And let the wind froze her thoughts and tears. When she reached the car and got inside she didn't say a word. She started the engine and drove. It ended like this. The only chance she had after all this time to talk with Santana ended when it was not even yet begun. She didn't want to cry. Not in front of her. The silence was broken by their breaths and when Santana spoke it was unexpected and warm.
"A boy or a girl?"
"Boy." Brittany said, her voice trembling waiting to melt into tears.
"You... you have him." She had to know if she had given him up for adoption.
"Sure I do."
"You have a son. A boy."
"He's almost a man." Brittany smiled at the thought of her son. Her beautiful son. Her anchor. Her life. God what she would do without him? It was unthinkable to think of her life without him.
"You have a picture?"
Brittany pulled out her phone from her jacket pocket and opened her photos and glancing quickly between her phone and the road, looked for a photo of her son and found it almost immediately, her phone was full Bryan's picture. Then she handed the phone to her.
Santana grabbed it. In front of her there was the picture of Brittany who was hugging a boy with blond medium hair. He had an elongated and smiling face like Brittany's and he had her mother's eyes. He was almost the age of his parents when she saw them the last time and he was the perfect mix of both. It was beautiful. Really beautiful.
"What's his name?" Bryan. She was talking to her son that morning a few days before. She could bet on it.
"Bryan."
Santana nodded. She looked at the picture again, for a few moments, trying to figure out Brittany as a mother of a teenager. Trying to figure out Brittany as a mother. She studied the details of his face trying to impress them in her memory, turning him into a child first, and then in a newborn, trying to imagine how it would feel be called mom from that mouth and feel his arms hug her and scold him for leaving around dirty socks. (I want to live with you, have our own house with a backyard and a swing and a barn with a white horse and a duck and I want some children, but we could start with one and I want a teeter totter too, and a big kitchen where you can make us dinner, and we must choose a neighborhood close to a kindergarten...) Brittany's words, those words that she had repeated so many times in her head now made sense. Brittany wanted that child and wanted him with her. But Santana had been too blind and too deaf. She tossed the phone on the dashboard cautiously, and curled up on the seat: she wanted to disappear. Ifs bounced in her brain like balls in a pinball machine gone mad. Assumptions about how her life would have been, a life with Brittany and Bryan but a life without Rachel and Finn and Kurt and everyone else, but especially without Anna. What if the woman trembling at her side was right?
Brittany looked at Santana with one eye but she was not looking and she didn't speak and didn't move. Then the radio caught his attention.
Solo i sogni sono veri i sogni dopo notti e giorni ti leggo nei pensieri dopo tutto questo tempo vedo il fondo sei ancora qui con me nelle mie vene per sempre accanto a me senza catene questa notte piove e respiro e se dio non vuole io sopravvivo a questa rabbia, a questo cielo che brilla nero. (Only dreams are real, dreams, after days and nights I read your thoughts after all this time I see the end you're still here with me in my veins forever beside me without chains. This night is raining and I breath, and if God doesn't want I survive this anger, this sky that shines black.)
Ologramma. The powerful voice of Gianna Nannini shouted her desperation and Brittany felt a tear slip down her cheek. No. Don't cry. Not now.
Sei ancora qui con me togli la sete, sorridi accanto a me, come succede? (Are you still here with me, you take away the thirst, smile next to me, how it happens?)
And then another and another. Salty liquid streamed down her cheeks and slid on her lips. She ran the back of her right hand on her cheeks and mouth trying to dry her face out and sniffing.
Non esistono misteri nei sogni dopo giorni e giorni i sogni tornan veri sono specchi trasparenti i tuoi silenzi questa notte piove e respiro e se dio non vuole lo stesso sopravvivo a questa rabbia, a questo cielo che brilla nero e allora stai con me piccola gioia per stare dietro a te mi perderei e mi hai trovato tu senza volere e ancora siamo qui senza sapere (There are no mysteries in dreams after days and days dreams return real your silences are transparent mirrors. This night is raining and I breath, and if God doesn't want, however I survive this anger, this sky that shines black. And then you're with me little joy, to keep up with you, I would lose myself and you found me without wanting to and yet here we are without knowing how)
A sob caught Brittany off guard. She didn't expect to cry but the song's words hit her inside and she let herself go. She parted her lips and inhaled trembling and her chest and her stomach trembled too to try to catch her breath. She felt empty. She felt alone.
Solo i sogni, i sogni sono veri, solo i sogni abbiamo e se i sogni sono veri allora ti vedrò dove dio non piove respiro dove dio non piove lo stesso sopravvivo in questo inferno in questa gabbia a cuor leggero e allora mi vedrai (Only dreams, dreams are real, only dreams we have and if dreams are real then I'll see you where God doesn't rain I breath, where God doesn't rain the same I survive in this hell in this cage with a light heart and then you'll see me)
Brittany cried, while Santana was still looking away and didn't move and didn't bat an eyelid. Was this really the end? She had dreamed of seeing her again in all these years, she had dreamed of being able to tell her the truth, she had hoped for forgiveness. And instead? All ended on a cold December night? Without a look of compassion, without a hint of understanding? It ended all so silent? Oh if only she could live in her dreams forever! She cried alone, knowing that Santana would not comforted her.
Questa notte piove e respiro e se dio non vuole io sopravvivo a questa rabbia, a questo cielo che brilla nero e allora tornerai. (This night is raining and I breath, and if God doesn't want, however I survive this anger, this sky that shines black. And so you'll come back.)
"Hey! Stop crying." Santana told her coldly.
Brittany looked up and stopped crying and turned the car sharply and suddenly, slipping into an alley to her right while Santana held on the door surprised and scared.
"Hey!" She snapped back.
"Stop calling me Hey!" Brittany shouted angrily.
"I have a name, in case you've forgotten," she cried quickly turning her head toward the woman, giving her a defiant look and then getting back focusing on the road. "My name is Brittany although now no one calls me that, just my son when he's mad at me. So you can use my name, too." She said wryly. "Or you can call me Brie, like the cheese. Now everyone calls me Brie." She said softly, almost to herself and continued to drive through narrow streets, until the lights of the hospital appeared to their left. "Did you think I didn't realized you've never called me by my name?"
Silence. Santana still didn't speak. She didn't know what to say. She just wanted to get out of the car, go to her daughter and forget about Brittany and the whole world. But when she saw the lights of the hospital get away in the opposite direction to the one where they were going, she turned to Brittany and broke the silence.
"Where are we going?" She asked annoyed.
"Why can't you say my name?" Brittany replied and Santana sighed and turned back to the window without answering and Brittany kept driving.
"Home." She said eventually.
