Be prepared to be bamboozled. This is when My Immortal starts to get really crazy. You thought you'd seen the worst with a swearing Dumbles or an Emo Harry…oh no…trust me, it gets worse from here on out!

Enjoy! *web-swings across to the fridge*


My Immortal – A Very English Commentary

Chapter Eleven – WHAT IS GOING ON?!


AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! (Tara, we've had this conversation before. I DO WHAT I WANT!) c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 (It is.) it delz wit rly sris issus!(Grammar and spelling are 'srs issus', but I don't think you've ever given them much thought.) sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

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"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off (Well…that's nice of you.) and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. (Uh…no he wouldn't. He'd look like a headmaster concerned over the emotional state of his student having just informed her of her boyfriend's death.)

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. (Quick question Tara, how in the world can you possibly slit both of your wrists at the same time? Biologically speaking, if you sliced one open you simply wouldn't have the strength to do anything with it, let alone use it to cut the other wrist.) They got all over my clothes so I took them off (Your wrists got all over your clothes so you took them off? Interesting. Is that a goffik thing or another one of your mad vampy skillz?) and jumped into the bath (Bath? Where did the bath come from? Your boyfriend just committed suicide so you go take a bath because reasons? WHATWHYHOW?!) angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. (Did you at LEAST cook it?)

I was so fucking depressed! (I gathered.)

I got out of the bathtub and put on *fumes slightly* a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. (Wait, what?) I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends (Tara is SO descriptive. :3)and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. (Neither could I. By Irk, that is a LOT of earrings!)

Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! (Muggle equipment doesn't work around magic unless it's especially charmed to do so.) And Loopin was masticating to it! (Ah, so he was eating the steak. At least someone uses it properly.) They were sitting on their broomsticks.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. (But….you….just said you were wearing a dress…)

Suddenly Vampire ran in. (Was he just waiting outside the door or something?)

"Abra Kedavra!" (ABRACADABRA MOTHAFUKAZ!) he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. (He pointed…his WOMB?! I'm so confused right now.)

I took my gun (FROM WHERE, DOWN THE PLUG HOLE!?) and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. (Does Enoby's bathroom just have a 'VISITORS PERMITTED' sign on it or something?) "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. (Wait, where are we?)

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" (Oh god, I've missed a bit when I copy/pasted. I must have. Who's talking? What does Hargrid know? I thought he was the Groundskeeper? How can he run on a broomstick? Why does he have one anyway?)

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

(WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! MY BRAIN HURTS!)

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." (Factors? Wha…I…uh…)

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. (He doesn't have any factors? OF WHAT?!)

(I'm trying to make sense of this, but…I…you know what? SOD IT! This is My Immortal, NOTHING MAKES SENSE!)

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.*commentator imitates elephant and waves hands around happily* (This fic is sending me even more doolally than I already am, I swear.) "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" (Tape? How OLD is this camera?)

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. (I wouldn't know pet, and all the vampires I know don't feel faint if they're lacking in the red stuff. They just start acting like they're on their periods. You know, with the general bitchiness and tendency towards violence if provoked too much.)

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. (Doing WHAT?! Talking?)

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. (Um…okay. Seems legit.)

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. (Hagger doesn't have a wand anymore. He keeps the pieces in an umbrella.) Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. (What?)

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. (I don't personally believe in 'Satan', though he sounds like a nice guy from what I know, but being gothic certainly does NOT mean you're a devil worshipper. Just means you like gothic stuff.)

"Because I LOVE HER!" (And once more, I find myself asking…WHAT IS GOING ON?!)


This is where the fun REALLY starts!

Here, have a headache tablet. *holds out packet* You'll probably need them.