Theme: Short
Title: Lets Abuse the Colonel
Pairings: none
Rating: K
Warnings: none
Summary: It's probably a good thing that Ed doesn't know what goes on in the headquarters when he's not around...
Lets Abuse the Colonel
When a sudden heavy pair of footsteps came to a stop right in front of Roy's desk the raven-haired man glanced up, only to realize that he could not see anything past the man's chin. With an internal groan Roy pushed his chair back and crossed his right leg over his left one, trying to look like he was leaning back casually when this was actually the only way he could see that other man's face without standing up.
"Hughes", Roy greeted the arrival formally. "This had better be important. I'm busy."
Maes only flashed the Colonel one of his crooked smiles as he jibed: "Yup. Busy avoiding work, as usual." Roy huffed indignantly at that but Maes was not done speaking. "I do know about the fact that you like to doodle little cartoons of yourself on the marginals with captions like: 'I'm a stud.'"
"I'm doing no such thing!" Roy snarled at his soon to be former best friend. And it was the truth. Even if Roy considered himself a stud he would not go scribbling it down on every piece of paper he could find. No, today's theme was: 'I'm one handsome devil.'
"Well, it doesn't really matter", Maes said with a careless shrug. "I'm not here to tell on you or to lecture." He placed a steaming cup down on Roy's desk. "I come bearing gifts."
Roy lifted the cup between his hands and took a deep breath through his nose, smelling the bitter scent of the liquid. He kept his gaze on Maes as he asked: "Where did you get this?"
"Not from the coffee machine in the break room if that's what you mean", Maes said pleasantly. "It's from the coffee shop down the street."
A smile graced Roy's lips as he sipped the coffee, deciding that Maes was his best friend once again. That was until the brown liquid touched his tongue.
Maes barely managed to dodge the spray when Roy spat the coffee out of his mouth along with a series of well-chosen curses as some of the coffee dripped from his chin on the previously stainless fabric of his jacket. In his haste to wipe the liquid off his chin Roy accidentally tilted his cup, staining his jacket even further.
"Hughes!" Roy roared as he slammed the cup on the table. "What is this poison you tried to kill me with?"
"It's just coffee", Maes said calmly before picking up the cup and taking a sip. He lifted an eyebrow at Roy over the rim of the cup as he continued: "It's my cup but I thought you might need it more."
The smile Roy gave Maes was all teeth as the man grunted nastily: "Not that I don't appreciate you caring enough to think of me but your taste in coffee isn't fit for anyone else's digestion."
Maes gulped the rest of the coffee down happily before questioning Roy: "I really can't see what's wrong with it."
"Only the fact that you pour enough sugar in it to make it toxic", Roy drawled in aggravation.
"Well", Maes started with a shrug. "It's not my fault you're so bitter you hate anything sweet." Roy's eyebrow twitched as he muttered: "Bitter?"
"Yeah", Maes spoke with a nod. "I mean, a man your age and you haven't had a single stable relationship."
Roy gritted his teeth and growled at his friend: "I really feel sorry for Elysia." At Maes' curious look he grinned evilly. "She'll have to grow up without a father." With that he had pulled his gloves on. Maes was out of the office like lightning, Roy hot on his heels.
They never made it out of the main office as Hawkeye stopped them. There was a more than slightly angry look in her ruby eyes as she regarded the two men.
"Where do you think you're going, Colonel?" Riza spoke sternly, pressing her voice when she mentioned Roy's rank. She glanced at the raven-haired man's jacket. "And looking like that, even." Roy looked down at the growing stain on his jacket. "Come on." Riza grabbed Roy's arm and dragged him to the closet that had been set in the seemingly most distant corner of the room. She opened it and pulled out a clean blue jacket, offering it to Roy.
"It's a close fit but I think you can wear it for the rest of the day", Riza said as Roy pulled his own jacket off. She then allowed Roy to pull the new jacket off. It was stiff, like it had never been worn before, and rather tight on the shoulders but it was not by so much that it would be visible.
"Why is there a spare jacket in the closet?" Maes asked curiously as plopped himself down on a desk to sit. Riza slapped Roy's hands away from his collar and proceeded to close the buttons herself as she answered: "It's mine but there was a flaw in the measurements that were taken so it's a loose fit. It should be fine for the Colonel, then, since we're close to being the same size."
There was a sudden sound of movement, causing Roy to flinch and turn around to see Havoc, whose unlit cigarette was twitching between lips. Roy glared at the man with animosity that seemed to say: "Go ahead. Make my day." Havoc seemed to get the message since he looked pointedly away. Roy failed to take into account another person, though, and just then Maes cooed loudly: "Why, it's as if it was made for you, Roy! It's such a perfect fit!"
"MAES!" Roy bellowed and Maes took that as his cue to leave. Before the taller man's form had even completely disappeared through the door Roy had darted after him.
Even though Maes did not have much of a head start Roy did not manage to catch him. This result was brought up when Roy hit an obstacle. He ran straight into a wall that had jumped in his way right out of nowhere.
'Who put a wall in the middle of a hallway?' Roy thought dazedly as he looked up at the wall from his position on the floor. The wall was mostly blue and clearly man-shaped.
"I am terribly sorry Colonel Mustang sir", Armstrong's voice boomed as he bended down to offer Roy a hand to help him up. "It's just that you came at me so fast. I didn't have any time to move out of the way."
"That is quite alright, Major Armstrong", Roy said as he grasped the offered hand, allowing the larger man to pull him up and back on his feet. Now that he was standing barely a foot away from the Major Roy realized that even if he craned his head back as far as he could go he could not see past Armstrong's bulky chest. As discreetly as he was able to Roy stepped back a few steps and only had to tilt his head backwards to see Armstrong's eyes. This little annoyance gave Roy one of his most brilliant ideas. He would make it his first priority as Fuhrer, even more important than his miniskirt campaign: a strict protocol for the proper distance that one should take while engaged in a conversation with their superior.
"Where were you going in such a hurry, if you allow me to ask, sir?" Armstrong questioned.
"I'm looking for your superior", Roy answered simply. "He went this way. Did you see him?"
"Yes, I did", Armstrong replied while beaming at the Colonel. Roy was so busy mentally screaming: "Aagh! My eyes!" that he almost missed Armstrong's next words. "He ran straight to the front yard."
It was both to roast Maes and to escape Armstrong's pink sparkles that Roy immediately darted to the direction he had been given.
&&&&&&&
"I can't believe it was another dead end!" Ed groaned as he and Al arrived in the courtyard of the military headquarters. There was a crowd gathered there, loud chatter filling the air as everyone looked at the building.
"What's going on?" Ed asked as he yanked on a random soldier's jacket sleeve. "What is everyone looking at?"
The man glanced down at Ed quickly before replying: "We're watching Lieutenant Colonel Hughes dodge Colonel Mustang's fireballs. The Lieutenant Colonel is on the rooftop, so that puts a good distance between the two but Colonel's aim is improving with each ball he throws."
"But why is the Colonel trying to fry Hughes?" Al's voice asked, sounding frightened. At that, as if to answer the armor's question, an enraged scream ran across the courtyard, coming from no other than the Colonel in question: "Who are you calling so small that women's clothes fit him?"
Ed felt eyes on him then and glanced up to see Al looking at him in a scolding manner. Before he could ask what it was that he had done wrong this time Al exclaimed: "Niisan! What have you been teaching the Colonel?"
Owari
Ending Notes: I got the idea for this story when I saw a group shot of Roy's team and I noticed that the only people shorter than Roy are Fury and Hawkeye. No wonder he picks on Ed's height when he is short himself. And just in case you were wondering why Roy did not simply use alchemy to clean his jacket; Hawkeye has prohibited alchemy inside the office.
