Knowing what it feels to love him, to have him, to kiss him, to caress him, to have him love her, to have him have her, to have him kiss her, to have him caress her, makes it all even harder than it already was before, when everything was platonic and it was her loving him from afar and suffering because everything he was willing to take from her was her loyalty, her friendship and her help every time he was off to save the world.
Knowing what it feels like to tell him she loves him, even if he was asleep and didn't hear it – or so she thinks – makes it all harder.
She always thought she would feel relived, she always thought she would feel a weight being lifted off her shoulders the day she told him she loved him, even if when that day came he was fast asleep – or so she thinks – and only the cold air of that sunny morning heard her whispers.
She doesn't feel like that right now, she doesn't feel any better, she doesn't feel any relief, she doesn't feel any lighter. Her state of heart just worsened.
Knowing that her premonition – that he would insist on apologizing and ask her not to let this mistake ruin their precious friendship – came true made it worse. Somewhere in the depths of her heart she still had hope that he would tell her he loved her, that he was awake and not asleep when she whispered those I love you's to him, that he wants to be with her, that he is ready to move on and leave the past where it belongs instead of dragging it with him everywhere he goes.
Oh, poor Chloe.
Oh, poor stupid Chloe.
Knowing that he will probably never recover from Renee's death and that no other woman will never be enough just worsens it all.
Knowing that what they had wasn't more than drunken sex worsens it all.
Knowing that she will always come up short when comparing herself to the other women he has had just worsens it all.
Knowing that what they had was basically dominated by his need for human contact and her need to give to him whatever he needed, even when he hadn't openly asked for it, hurts like hell and it makes everything worse.
She always thought she would feel some sort of relief if she ever got to tell him she loves him. She always thought a one night stand with him would make her aching fade away.
Knowing that she was wrong… Well, it makes everything worse, it makes everything harder.
Knowing that she will never forget that night for as long as she shall live… Just two words, just two little random words wander her mind before she falls asleep on the couch: worse, harder.
