Characters: Shizuo x Izaya
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara or any of it's characters.
Full Summary: Shizuo and Izaya are both experiencing depression, both trying to cope with it without letting any one else know, more specifically, each other. Whilst dealing with said emotion, Izaya receives an odd bruise on his wrist that begins to pull at his mental state of mind, causing his friends to worry in their attempt to bring him back to his normal self.
Kasuka dug his chopsticks into his food, mashing it up for a moment by twirling the wooden sticks about, and stabbing them into the meal before pulling them up and scooping the food into his mouth. His eyes wandered over towards his older brother, who was barely chewing his own food, while his fingers jittered against the table. There was a new glass of milk beside him, only a few sips being taken from it. The blonde's eyes were staring blankly at the man sitting across from him, and to Kasuka's left. Kasuka let his eyes shift over to the subject of Shizuo's gaze and felt his eyebrows scrunch together looking at the disaster that occupied the space. Izaya was sitting there, mouth hanging open just slightly, but no words coming out of it, or food going into it. His eyes were filled with such a scared, and apologetic gaze as he stared down at either the untouched food, or some stain that was most likely on the table cloth in front of him. His body was stiff, but hunched over, shoulders bent inward as his lip quivered occasionally. Izaya's hands were underneath the table, Kasuka imagining him fidgeting with his finger nails or something, but never bothering to look and see what they were really doing. The young actor's eyes scrolled back over to his brother, who's attention hadn't left the man across from him. He was definitely missing something between the two...
Kasuka looked back down to his food and scooped up some more into his mouth, chewing it, and swallowing as he finally set his chop sticks down and focused onto Izaya. "Are you gonna eat?"
His words had only made the silence stop for a moment, because there was no answer. Izaya's eyes shifted quickly to Kasuka, but then directly back down to what ever it was that was so damn amusing in front of him. Shizuo watched Izaya the whole time, and then looked over at Kasuka when Izaya's eyes settled back onto it's original subject. Kasuka stared for a moment longer, waiting for a response, and then letting out a huff. His gaze went over to the blonde that was staring at him and he rolled his eyes. "You're not making too much of an effort to eat either, Nii-san."
Shizuo blinked and then looked down at his amount of food, realizing he'd barely taken away from the amount in front of him. Silence again settled in, the blonde stuffing a bigger amount of food in his mouth and chewing it, letting his attention focus back onto Izaya.
The lack of conversation that was going on between the three was really beinging to irk Kasuka. He hated having to be the one to start the conversations, especially dead-end ones like the ones he'd been running into non-stop since Shizuo got home. Sure, he prefered silence over noise, but looking between the two he could obviously tell there was something that was being avoided. Kasuka finally decided to stop beating around the bush and start calling out what no one wanted to talk about.
"Izaya..." He started, waiting for the man to look up at him. A long moment passed before Izaya made any motion at all. Kasuka stared at him as Izaya brought one of his hands up from under the table, ignoring Kasuka's calling, and shakily reached out for his chopsticks. His eyes moved away from it's usual subject and went towards the food in front of him, using his chopsticks to scoop up a shaking mouthful of rice. He lost half the food he picked up when he finally got it to his lips, and into his mouth. Izaya clamped down onto the wood for a moment, before withdrawing them and putting them back to his food, slowly and quietly chewing as he went for another scoop.
Shizuo stared half bewildered and half frightened by the actions. He wanted to say something, but the few words he wanted to say would most likely offend the informant. His little thoughts of jumping up and telling the man "Congratulations! You're not a life-less doll!" didn't really seem to suit the situation. He watched as Izaya repeated the motion again, eating more of the food, even mixing it up a bit. Shizuo couldn't have been more relieved with the movements, thankful that he wasn't seeing the man flailing about or mumbling his name any longer. He couldn't help but wonder if the only reason that Izaya wasn't acting that way now, was because Shizuo had taken him away from his home.
Kasuka noticed the expression on Shizuo's face, and then peeked back at Izaya. He was eating. Why did that seem to make his brother so happy..? He shook his head and just decided that he was going to let the whole thing drop, ask about it later, though he did shoot Shizuo a look that demanded some kind of explanation in which his brother pretended to avoid it by going for his milk.
There was a mumble that the Heiwajima's barely caught, but it pulled both of their attentions toward Izaya. Shizuo's movements froze completely while Kasuka quirked up an eyebrow. "What was that..?" He mumbled back.
"...I said..Sorry." Izaya stated clearer. He refused to let his eyes go any higher than the food on his plate, but he could feel the pairs of eyes staring at him bewildered.
"Izaya..." Shizuo mumbled. Kasuka looked once at the two, then again and shook his head confused.
"Sorry for what?" He asked, obviously excluded from whatever it was that was going on between the too. Last he remembered, they were hating on each other weren't they...? So..Why was Izaya apologizing..?
Izaya glanced over at Kasuka and then let his head drop. He closed his eyes and then took in a breath, before mustering up the guts to finally look at the blonde. When Izaya's eyes locked onto Shizuo's, he felt the strangest feeling run through him. His face burned with what he put the blonde through these past few weeks. His voice cracked slightly when he spoke. "I'm..I'm so sorry."
Shizuo couldn't help but feel obliged to do something, or say something to him. The guy looked like he was about to have a mental break down. "..Uh..."
Izaya's fingers trembled and his lips quivered as he pushed the food in front of him away and then brought his hands to his face, the silver metal that complimented his fingers giving off a dull shine. "I don't know how this happened..I don't, I swear." A small sob escaped him, even though he tried so hard to hold it back. "I'm so sick of this...I don't know what's going on anymore..." Izaya pulled his hands away, his eyes glossy and strained as he let them gaze down at the plate across from his. "I feel...Like I've been in a coma or something. I can't remember anything, and when I do, I don't want to...I don't want to remember any of those things at all.."
"...Any...of what things...?" Shizuo mumbled.
"T-the pain, the weird sights, all of these visions..." Izaya grabbed his head like he was getting a headache. "And the white...God I can't stand the white!"
" 'White'...?" Shizuo mumbled. "In...In your dreams...?" He stuttered, his previous dreams popping into his mind.
Izaya looked up, a slight fear of an understanding in his expression. "...I can't even tell the difference between anything anymore.."
"..." Shizuo couldn't think of anything to say to that. He chewed on his lip a bit before thinking back to his dreams. He felt stupid for thinking so...but were they trying to really tell him something? He knew that he was seeing Izaya..and he knew he was there, but that's all there was. Just the two of them. The two of them trapped in an endless world of white.
What the hell does white represent as far as dreams go? Shizuo set his chopsticks down on his plate and then pushed it forward, Kasuka looking down at the little amount he ate and then staring at him with another confused look. "Why do ask..?" Izaya mumbled.
The blonde pulled himself from thought and looked towards Izaya. "I..Never mind." He decided. Izaya didn't ask about it and just let out a long sigh, pulling his hands down on the table, his focus turning away from that of the brothers and towards the door.
A silence settled in and Kasuka gave up on eating. "..Can someone please tell me what's going on here...?
Izaya snapped his head back towards the brunette, as did Shizuo. They glanced over at each other unsure how to began explaining something neither of them really understood. "Um..." Shizuo hummed.
Izaya blinked, drumming his fingers on the table for a moment before the bruise on his wrist caught his gaze and he yanked his hand under the table. God did he hate looking at that thing. "I...I don't really know honestly.."
"Do you..not know anything though?" Shizuo asked, and after receiving a blank look, decided on explaining it further. "Like... Through everything that's happened do you-" he cut off, debating on if he should say the next part, but decided it'd be for the better anyways. "What about what happened to..er..Naomi?"
"Naomi...?" Izaya repeated confused. "Who's that..?"
"Your secretary lady?"
"Namie?" Izaya then corrected. "No, I don't. Why, what happened with her?"
"You killed her." Shizuo stated bluntly. Izaya's face went white for a moment before he let out a laugh, Kasuka's expression could almost be said to have revealed some form of shock when he heard his brother throw out such an accusation. He wasn't going to lie, the whole scene had just turned into a soap-opera shot in his mind.
"Killed? Now, Shizuo, you might think of me as a bad person, but I am definitely not one to murder another human being, especially not one that's actually mildly important to myself." He stated.
"How would you know though?" Shizuo pointed out. "You said yourself that you felt like you were in a coma. "
"I.." Izaya stopped to think over his words. "My conscience, Izaya Orihara's own conscience, wouldn't ever think of doing something like that!" He yelled in defense. "Now, what that...that..thing might've done is a completely different story!"
"What 'thing'?"
"You expect me to know that?" Izaya clamped his jaw shut before taking in a breath. He was beginning to lose his temper, and this only happened on rare occasions. "Aren't you the one that's been seeing all this shit while I was 'out'? Shouldn't you know more about it than I do?"
"How do You expect me to figure out what the fuck is going on with you!" Shizuo threw back at him. "I'm not the freak being fucked around by some other worldly shit, here am I?"
"HAH." Izaya roared. "How the hell do you know that then? Hn? You've seen something, haven't you?"
"..." Shizuo felt a growl beginning to form. He'd forgotten about how much he hated the normal Izaya. "How else would you explain this shit? I don't know what kind of spirit or whatever you've managed to piss off this badly, so don't look to me for a fucking answer."
Izaya stared at the blonde for a moment, managing to calm himself down. "A 'spirit'? That's what you think this all is..?" The blonde let his eyes travel up the informant and was shocked to see that he looked hurt. What the hell had he said that could've possibly hurt the guy? "I'm being fucking tortured by this shit, day in and day out, with this fucking mark that I got from who knows where, and the only clues that I got from this fucking mess all leads back to you. YOU of all people! What the hell am I supposed to think to that?" Izaya pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "I don't know what's going on with me at all.. I don't know who it is, what it is that's doing this to me, but I'm so sick of having my thoughts all on you."
"And how's that my fault?" Shizuo stood up. "Honestly, of all the things to be worried about, you're complaining about that!" Izaya wanted to say something, but was cut off by the blonde. "Why aren't you worried about figuring out what the hell that thing is? Or about whatever the hell is going on in your bedroom-No, your whole apartment for that matter! You're loosing your fucking mind, Izaya! There was a dead corpse sitting in your bathroom, where you've been living for the passed week and you had no clue about it!" Shizuo ran a hand through his hair as the smaller man stared at him with an expression of a confused child. "I..I've been freaking out lately, really freaking out..."
"You're..." Izaya was almost afraid to say what he had interpreted his words to mean. "You've been...worried about me..?"
"What? If the situation were reversed...Nah, I forgot how much of a scumbag you are. You'd enjoy it." Shizuo mumbled.
Izaya chuckled slightly before slumping down in his seat, his eyes wandering around in thought. "Maybe that's why..." He murmured.
"Hn?" Shizuo blinked, now feeling awkward with what Izaya called out. Kasuka watched the whole thing, his mind jumbled up more than it was moments ago. He could barely follow along with what they were arguing about, but it was entertaining regardless. Shizuo hadn't even thrown things yet either.
"You've been the one that was always there, weren't you? When I barely came back around...?"
"Oh..." Shizuo rubbed the back of his neck. "I..I guess so? I mean..as far as I know, yeah."
"Hn.." Izaya looked down in thought. Eventually silence fell in the room again, Shizuo stared at Izaya for a moment longer and then snapped out of his gaze and decided to put his food away. He picked up his plate and turned around to the counter, pulling out some aluminum foil from a drawer and sloppily throwing it on top of his plate. Kasuka decided to do the same thing, grabbing Izaya's plate as well and moving towards the counter.
Shizuo watched Kasuka for a moment before his dreams popped into his head again. "Hey Kasu?"
"Hn?" Kasuka mumbled.
"Weren't you into that whole..dark art crap? Like with the dreams and card readings and what not?"
"At some point." Kasuka responded with, not being much neater than his brother in putting the foil over their food. "Why?"
"Do you happen to have one of those dream books here?"
Kasuka blinked, looking over his shoulder as if he could see a magical bookshelf that'd tell him. "I...think so. I can see."
"Good. I want to look at something.." Shizuo trailed off. Izaya stared questionably at the blonde when he said this, raising an eyebrow at the thought of him being into such a thing.
"Alright, let's see here..." Shizuo mumbled to himself, cracking open a book Kasuka found after half an hour of searching. He skimmed over some of the things listed and then chewed his lip. What exactly did he need to look for? White. There's a start.
"White- Seeing white in your dream usually tends to translate into purity, or a new beginning. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. Alternatively, white refers to a clean, blank slate. Or it may refer to a cover-up. In Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.
White Clothes-To dream that all your clothes in the closet are white, suggests that you need to lighten up. You may have recently been feeling a little on the depressed side. Perhaps you were going through some crisis. It is time to move on. You need to change your attitude and get a grip of your inner emotions."
So...all that white.. If his dreams were trying to tell him something.. Would that be indicating the bruise? Purifying that? And it was obvious that the two had been depressed lately, so that much was right. "Hn..." Shizuo thought back to his dreams on something else. What else was there? Ah, the headphones?
"Headphones-To dream that you are wearing headphones, indicates that you are the only one getting the message. Furthermore, it means that you are in tune with your intuition."
"Alright..What the hell does that mean then..?" Shizuo thought for a moment. "I'm the only one that understands it..? That doesn't seem to make sense.." He thought back to the white, and how he concluded that there needed a new beginning. "So..Izaya's bruise needs to be purified, and I'm the only one that can do it?" It was a bit of a jump from the headphones meaning, but it made sense in his mind. Now, what else was there? Silence? Neither of them had really made conversation. Shizuo flipped the pages into the "S" section and skimmed the list for silent.
"To dream that someone is silent, means that you are unsure about this person's intentions. Perhaps you are still trying to understand them. There may be a sense of uneasiness."
"...Huh." Shizuo wasn't sure to find it freaky that his dreams were relaying some form of message to him, and actually being accurate. He thought more into his dream and then remembered that bright hot pink that went with the clothing. It didn't seem like it'd mean anything but it wouldn't hurt to try. So far, he'd gotten that he himself has to somehow cleanse Izaya of his bruise, even though he can't understand the man. So he'd have to cleanse the bruise by doing what?
"The appearance of hot pink color in your dream, represents sex and lust."
Shizuo's eyes stared at the sentence for a long moment before he slamed the book shut. Well, that settled that problem. You can't rely on some stupid dream book to help you figure things out.
He looked down at the book again and bit his lip. Why hadn't he bothered to look up the term 'bruise' ? Out of curiosity, Shizuo cracked the book back open and skimmed the pages for the word.
"Dreaming of a bruise is telling you that you need to accept the consequences of your actions. Consider the symbolism of the specific part of your body that is bruised."
Shizuo then flipped to the back of the book and began to look for the word 'wrist'.
"To see an injured or bandaged wrist in your dream, indicates a loss in productivity. You are in an imbalanced or one-sided relationship. In particular, if it's your wrists that are injured, then it implies that you are not reaching out to others enough. "
"..So..Izaya isn't reaching out to others enough..and he has to accept the consequences of his actions..when he does?" Shizuo said it awkwardly to himself. Izaya needed help, obviously, so that made sense with the dream... Thinking it over, all of it made sense, excluding the whole 'lust' thing. Shizuo chewed his finger nail before closing the book and tucking it under his arm. He'd have to look more into that and make sure that his mind wasn't just making up some random explanation to his dream with the information he got from this book. Maybe he'd think of other things to look up too.
He stood up from the spot he was in, walking out of the room and into the hall. He looked down by the bathroom door and saw steam coming out of it, the sound of running water accompanying it. Kasuka had actually convinced the flea to take a shower here. Why did he find that so surprising?
Shrugging it off, Shizuo stepped into the guest room that had been slightly rearranged. Kasuka was sitting on the bed in there, and looked up when he felt Shizuo's presence. He held up a new packaged doorknob that had a lock in it. "What'd you want me to get this for...?"
Shizuo sighed before taking the package out of his hand and then walking back towards the door, gripping the door knob and with a few fierce tugs, popping it off. "Because I don't want to risk anything happening.. Izaya's staying here for the night. You can sleep on the couch or with me."
"..." Kasuka stared blankly as his brother began putting on the new doorknob and didn't bother to correct him when he noticed that he was putting it so that the lock faced the outside. He didn't understand it, but he wasn't going to question it either. "Alright Nii-san."
dream information obtained from www(.)dreammoods(.)com
A/N: I went from writing a buttload and being really intensely into it, to struggling with this chapter. The dialouge just.. was not working for me. I almost backspaced everything I wrote to start from a different scene, but I DIDN'T. This was a semi-important chapter, so I needed it P:
Also, the whole dream thing, yeah, I wrote the dream up before deciding to see what the interpretations were. +2 points on my part for being able to manipulate them enough to have them make sense 8D
I love all of the recent reviews I've been getting. I never thought people would get so into this story, and it makes me happy x'3 And onto the responses.
Lo- I missed you 8D Yes, well, I hope you enjoyed reading all of that xD
cagallikushinarafika - Thank you x3 Like I always say, I'm glad you like it so much. Exams.. Ouch xD I'm sorry.
Crackyficwriter not logged in - (-Ahah xD) See..I can't help but feel like once I write that part... You'll all hate me.
CgB- Well, I hope this chapter answered your question. (You couldn't have waited for the next update to ask, could you? lol xD) No, no, ILY more.
Thank you to everyone that reviewed this story, and to everyone that have this in their alerts/favorites. It motivates me to write more every time I get an email that tells me I've received another review/fav/alert x3
R+F
