Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, not me, no profit involved. Also I read Harlan Ellison's short story "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream," which is what Lunasuke's nightmare drew inspiration from; don't own that either.

Warnings for slight violence and language. Also, to give people a head's up: the next chapter is probably going to be a bit of reality (and sadness) ensues but the Dersert Arc will be finally done and the chunin exams arc will begin the chapter after that (and with them the rest of the Konoha 12 and maybe Itachi...)! Next update should be up the week after week.


"And that is how you interpret dreams you have on the night of the new moon into predictions based on the future. I remember the Sakura-like girl from my before-life said Divination was bollocks—her phrasing was a bit rude, yes, but she was a bit upset at the time because Professor Trawampay said her palms indicated she was going to have several red-headed children by Donald Wheez-easy—but Divination is quite useful. I remember a time, well one time," I pause as I am giving the Kazekage my report on Haku's attack, trying to remember exactly what is I thought I could remember. My memories from my before-life are quite blurry. Other than the nightmares that only come at night when I am in the compound alone. I always remember those when sleep swirls and they hide in the shadows when day comes.

"What is it that you claim to remember?" the Kazekage says flatly. Other than his darker hair, he looks like I imagine Gaara will look like in thirty years. I suppose that could come from him being Gaara's father. He is surprisingly patient with reports, more so than Mr. Hokage-sama, though that may be because Gaara is hovering by my side like Ino did whenever other females tried to approach me with letters and chocolates.

"I am not sure I quite remember. Oh yes, but getting back on why Haku was attacking me, they said they had been hired by two people: the Otokage—that is Orochimaru I think though I could be wrong—" the Kakzekage's eyes sharpen as soon as I say the Otokage— "and someone else. I suppose if we found Haku's guardian Zabuza he would be able to tell us more, Mr. Kazekage-sama."

I decide to leave out that the "someone else" was from the Land of Fire. Having someone from within our borders send an assassin who ended up attacking the Kazekage's son perhaps could cause an international incident, especially with things being tense between the Land of Fire and Land of Wind already.

"The Otokage you said," the Kazekage muses out loud his advisors shift uncomfortably beside him, "what would he want with you? And why would another head of state be idiotic enough to send a nuke-nin into my village and get my son caught in the crossfire?"

Apparently, Mr. Kazekage-sama is the only one allowed to send people to attack his son. I suppose that must count for something. There is actually a species of dragon like that in the southernmost reaches of Romania where the mothers constantly attack their young to make them stronger. It is one thing for dragons to do that; for humans, however… I do wish there was some way for me to tell the Kazekage this without getting executed for insubordination. Mr. Hokage-sama gave me a strongly worded lecture about how freedom of speech and press are not an essential rights in my Konoha this-life the last time I told Danzo what I thought of him. Apparently, if I continue to be "painfully blunt" with my superiors, I can be court-martialed. I only imagine this freedom would be even more curtailed in Suna.

Since I cannot say what I think, I open my mouth to begin talking about the habitats of unicorns, usually a non-controversial topic of conversation, but someone interrupts me.

"You were attacked by someone who claimed to working for Zabuza—Zabuza Momochi—Demon of the Mist and you just now thought it prudent to inform us? What kind of bullshit is Leaf teaching its genin these days?" one of the Kazekage's advisors, Baki I think, demands loudly while shooting a significant look at Kakashi-sensei. Kakashi-sensei grunts casually and sinks further into his literature about water nymphs—interestingly, I think the only water nymphs that exist in my this-life are in Kakashi-sensei's books. I'd tell him that in my world there are some species of water nymph that tickle a man to death before dragging his corpse down to their watery abodes. I think it would ruin his reading.

"Don't insult Uchiha Sasuke or his comrades. He is my friend and now I am going to show him my cactus collection," says Gaara in a firm command from the edge of the room. Everyone's heads turn towards us.

"What did you say, Gaara?" the Kazekage asks warily and slowly as if trying to decide whether if this is problem he could get his ninja-hitmen to assassinate or it is something important enough to require him using his words to talk to his youngest son.

"Uchiha Sasuke and his annoying pink-haired friend and the stupid blonde are now my friends. We are going to," Gaara pauses slowly before continuing, " 'hang out,' or so they called it, and garden. Also, Uchiha Sasuke said that sending assassins after your children is child abuse and that you should not be doing it … I agree and I want to go to family therapy to talk about my issues with you as a parent. That way you'll only be able to forbid me from speaking about my feelings when you have the talking stick."

At this, the tufty-haired Temari chokes and face-painted Kankuro flinches. The Kazekage's nostrils flare slightly. Gaara straightens his back even further and stares even more at his father.

Kakashi-sensei stopped slouching and raised his hands placatingly. "Maa, maa, Gaara-kun, why don't you take your siblings and Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke out to your cacti garden and calm down a little bit? It isn't very nice to bring out all this family business in front of company now, is it now? Kazekage-sama, now that the children have all given us their report, why don't we discuss this further? Having an S-ranked missing-nin infiltrate Suna is quite the security breach, especially one sent by the Otokage. Konoha seems to be having problems with him too. Perhaps we could find a solution beneficial to both of us by…" Kakashi-sensei trails off before eyeing Gaara and me.

The Kazekage jerks his head to the door and does not look at Gaara. "Leave," he orders. Gaara stiffens and does not move until Kankuro and Temari gently grab his hand and pull him out the door. Naruto and Sakura both grab my shoulder and we follow.

I allow myself to be led out of the room and wish more than anything in this world for an Extendable Ear. Perhaps I shall invent one with this world. While I do not have magic that I can channel through a wand, I do have chakra that I can channel through my hands: the principles are pretty much the same. And the potential for espionage is immense. If I am able to collect information about my enemies, then perhaps I will be able to plan ways in which I do not have to attack them.

"Sasuke-kun," Sakura says softly, "are you alright? You seem a little upset. Is there something you would like to talk about?"

I shake my head and Sakura returns to quizzing Temari about the tactics best used to combine wind jutsu with other elemental transformations. "Have you ever considered adding katon to your ninjutsu with the fan? With the right manipulation of the air currents, perhaps you could create a larger fireball or maybe even a tornado; it would be very useful for offense," Sakura muses.

Temari tilts her and twirls a piece of her hair. "Not many people in Suna have affinity for fire for fire. But we do have exploding tags. Wanna experiment?"

Sakura smiles sweetly before she and Temari leave me with Gaara, Kankuro, and Naruto. I hope Sakura does not introduce Ino to Temari as well. The collateral damage would be terrifying.

I stare over the sand dunes. The setting sun is beautiful and gleams over the white sand like crystals. Gaara's cacti poke up like little baby Mandrakes nestled in tiny pots in the Herbology greenhouse, like the little flowers Grandma Uchiha planted in the garden under the kitchen window. I want to see those flowers again, I want to see the Mandrakes, but all I have are the cacti Gaara are showing. Gaara is nice—I think he will be a good friend—but he isn't the people I used to know. The cacti aren't Mandrakes or Grandma's flowers. I thought I was at peace with my loved one's being dead or at least gone in all the ways that matter. The longer time goes on, the more I realize that I am not okay. I just am—I do not know what I am. I want to sleep. I want Brother. Time passing makes the ache worse because it means more time without seeing him.

"Thank-you for showing me the cacti, Gaara. I think I am going to go to my room now," I say, "Goodnight everyone."

Gaara starts to me as if to take me by the wrist, but Naruto stops reluctantly him. "Let the Bastard go. Sometimes he needs space, ya know, to think and be by himself a little. I'll check on him later. Errrr, Gaara didn't you say you wanted to show us the prickly pears on the other side of dune?"

Gaara nods and the boys disappear. I wander to the room I was assigned and let sleep take me. The nightmares come out of the shadows again: I am using my naked-girl jutsu and my breasts are bouncing magnificently. Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei prance through a meadow of buttercups and fire lilies surrounded by frolicking ninken in the hats I made them. A boy who looks just like Gai-sensei comes out and begins dancing too, and then Haku and Brother appear. My heart feels like it will burst from joy, but then the fire lilies begin to wilt. The buttercups—they are butter now— melt like butter on a pan and spit upwards and out, burning Gai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei and the miniature Gai-sensei until they melt too. All that is left is Haku and me, Brother standing off in the distance. Haku opens their mouth but nothing comes out. Brother approaches and smiles at me. Then, Brother cuts Haku's throat. I want to scream but I cannot. Brother leans towards me and says, "If you do not kill me, Sasuke, I will never die. Let me die. Please." Then, light flashes green and Brother's eyes are dead, dead like then-Daddy's. His eyes remain dead—they're greyish-blue now though— but his hair changes to corn-husk blonde. A wand appears in my hand and I have killed him and I scream. But I have no mouth.

"Sasuke, Sasuke, wake up," a voice bellows loudly. I open my eyes and Naruto hovering over me, Gaara standing behind him. "What's the matter, Bastard?" Naruto stands behind him.

I blink. "The buttercups were melted butter and they burned me, Naruto, the buttery buttercups burned me. And Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei stopped frolicking. It was horrible."

Naruto wrinkles his nose and mutters, "Kakashi-sensei and Gai-sensei…frolicking in melted butter. I can see why that would give you nightmares, Bastard. It's okay; I got you." He pats me on the back reassuringly.

"No, no," I exclaim, "the nightmare was they stopped frolicking. And Brother killed Haku and told me to kill him. And I did. I did." My voice becomes quieter and Naruto's face becomes serious.

Gaara tilts his head and asks, "Why is killing your Brother a bad thing?" Naruto scowls at him. Gaara scowls back.

"Why don't you want to kill him? Even in Suna, we've heard stories of how Uchiha Itachi slaughtered his clan and drove his younger brother mad. Why do you still love him? How could you love someone like that?" Gaara continues.

"Your siblings still love you, don't they?" Naruto demands, "You still love your old man even after everything he's done. I'd still love Sakura-chan and the Bastard if they did horrible shit. They still love me even though I got—never mind what I got in me. If you think someone's family, they're family even if they are a monster. That's the way it is."

But Naruto isn't a monster. Neither is Gaara. They are humans—small humans as well, just boys.

Gaara tilts his head and says, "I don't think I understand what you are talking about. No one loves me other than myself. Only a monster itself can love itself."

Naruto scowls, eyes fierce, "That's bullshit. No matter what you say, you're like me; we're the same. You have the choice to choose whether you can be like what people say you are or you can be better. I chose to be better; that's my ninja way. I will become Hokage and everyone will respect and love me and acknowledge the good things I've done. I'm never gonna stop trying to be better."

Gaara says nothing but sand begins to flake slowly outside of his gourd. Why does any form of kindness make Gaara suspicious? I sigh and then rise slowly up and envelop both the boys in a hug.

"Shhhh," I order as I embrace them, "why don't we stop arguing and decorate Gaara's gourd like I promised I would. Orange is a lovely color choice, isn't it, Naruto? And don't you think some prickly pears on top would be lovely, Gaara?" Hugs are calming; arts and crafts are peaceful. Perhaps this will make them less argumentative.

"Don't touch me and I want to use Kingcup cacti as the floral component, Uchiha Sasuke," Gaara replies as he shrugs off my arm and twitches.

I nod thoughtfully. "Red would go wonderfully with your hair, Gaara. Hmmmm, have you ever considered wearing green before? This man I know has this jumpsuit that is quite wonderful."

Naruto takes a step back and exclaims, "I don't want to do any decorating—that's … that's like something girly like what Sakura and Ino would do in their free time."

I blink and toss my bangs out of my face so I can better see what Naruto is thinking. Sometimes it is hard to tell. "Don't know that Sakura and Ino also memorize the best place to slash a man in the stomach in their free time, Naruto? Besides, your distaste is actually based upon gender norms that developed by a sect of Jashinists in the last two or so centuries. Gourd-decorating actually used to be non-gender specific activity that was highly regarded when Empress Wu the Woebegone ruled the Land of Air four hundred twenty-eight years ago."

Gaara looks at me and sniffs, " Do not bother with him, Uchiha Sasuke. Some people have no appreciation for the arts."

Naruto turns red and yells, "I have plenty of appreciation of the arts, dick-face. I just don't like decorating and stuff. If you saw my window boxes in my 'partment in Konoha, you'd know I am even better at gardening than you!"

"Mr. Ukki—that Naruto's pet plant—and his friends are lovely succulents and those are very hard to grow in our environment with all the rain," I agree solemnly.

Gaara pauses slowly before saying, "If he gardens, I guess he cannot be that bad, Uchiha Sasuke. Uzumaki Naruto, you can decorate in our presence and I will not kill you."

I suppose some people would say that is a generous offer.

Naruto splutters before putting a palm to his face and complaining about weird bastards and arrogant dick-faces. I take the fact that he has given Gaara an obscene nickname like mine as a sign of friendship. Teenage boys are very strange about how they demonstrate affection.

I smile radiantly. This is like one of those sleepovers that I learned about in Muggle Studies from my before-life that adolescent non-magic girls and boys had. I wonder what Truth-or-Dare would be like with Gaara and Naruto. Perhaps I should suggest it… I shall suggest it. What could go wrong?

When we wake up the next day underneath a mountain of sand in the Kazekage's office that had not been there the previous day, I decide that suggesting Truth-or-Dare to Naruto and Gaara has not been one of my better ideas. How was I supposed to have known that Gaara would flood the office in sand after Naruto and he started taking shots from that cacti husk? I think cacti juice may be slightly alcoholic to cause such a reaction though.

The Kazekage walks into his office, looks at the empty cacti husk pilfered from Gaara's garden, blinks, and then asks Gaara very pointedly, "Did you kill anyone?"

Naruto starts to protest but Gaara shakes his head slowly. "No, Father," he responds, "I did not kill anyone, nor did I maim or otherwise harm anyone. Also, I made this for you last night. Whenever we converse, if you wish to speak, you must hold this." Gaara hands the Kazekage a talking-stick decorated with Kingscup cacti blossom; it matches his gourd very well now. Also, it has a hidden spike inside. "To better stab assassins with," Gaara had said last night.

The Kazekage eyes Gaara and then the talking-stick cum stabbing utensil dubiously and Naruto mumbles something that sounds that sounds like "awkward."

The Kazekage finally un-tenses his shoulders and exhales slowly before ordering, "You in the orange, leave us. Your sensei wants you—" Naruto hesitates but eventually stomps out of the room when I Nod "—Uchiha, I have a mission for you to complete with my son. The two of you are to go to the oasis fifteen miles to the south and give this scroll to the leader of the caravan of merchants camped there."

Gaara narrows his eyes, "Uchiha Sasuke was just attacked within our city walls and now you want him to leave city walls to territory heavy in bandits."

The Kazekage nods before pointedly handing Gaara back the talking stick. "Don't be impertinent. I'll be sending some men to make sure you have back-up if you happen to encounter anyone."

"I see," says Gaara sardonically, "well then, everything is fine then. I know first-hand that your men very good—wait, they must not be very good because they always fail to kill me."

The Kazekage's killing intent begins to gather and Gaara begins to breathe heavily. It looks like the talking-stick is not helping things. I say the first thing that comes to mind—

I sigh sadly, "Mr. Kazekage-sama, I know my opinion probably does not matter since you do not think I am important, but are you going to set a trap to try to get Haku and his guardian to attack me again, sir? Haku seems very tricky and a strategical fighter, so perhaps that would be very hard and dangerous for Gaara to be around that."

The Kazekage's lips tighten but his killing intent falls. He says nothing other than, "It is not your place to question me. The only reason I've put your eccentricities so far is your presence seems to make Gaara somewhat more stable. Do not forget your place, boy. If Zabuza does happen to attack you, I've taken precautions to catch him and find out what his true purpose in attacking my son is. Deliver the scroll now. I expect you back by sundown."

And so we head off.

"So," I ask Gaara, "could you tell me exactly what did happen last night? I don't quite remember anything other than waking up in the pile of sand."

Gaara does not look at me when he responds quietly, "You … turned into a naked woman and tried to persuade me to touch your chest so I could understand how nice it felt to have them."

I furrow my eyebrows. "Oh, I did, did I? That was silly of me. To fully understand what having breasts is like you have to do the jutsu and feel them. Most other boys I show it just touch themselves a lot and snicker before ending it though; I don't think they truly appreciate it, though I know you will. Here, it's like this!" I perform the jutsu slowly enough that Gaara can copy it.

Gaara follows my hand-signs perfectly and poofs into a woman with long, red hair. He brings his hands up to his chest and his voice finally shows some emotion.

"What is this," he says in mild panic looking downwards, "they feel so … jiggly. How do women walk around with these? I don't know how I feel about this jutsu."

"Well," I begin to reply, "there are these things called bras that girls wear to keep—"

A cloud of mist encircles us, rudely interrupting my explanation. I sense two life-forms—one the familiar clean-ice feel of Haku and another dark one that feels like a catfish hiding in the depths of murky river.

I jerk my head at Gaara and breathe a fireball in the mist in attempt to clear our line of vision. The mist clears for one second to see two figures ten yards to our south. While Gaara's sand defends us from the barrage of senbon sent our way, I toss two shruiken at the figures—not close enough to hurt them but near enough that they need to dodge—but they are deflected by the larger figure's sword.

Gaara follows up instantaneously and hurls the talking-stick spike-first at the larger figure. It whirls through the air and grazes the larger figure's ankle before landing harmlessly in the sand. The Kingscup cacti blossom at its end has wilted mournfully.

Biting my lip slightly, I let my gaze shift to Gaara reproachfully. "Gaara, did you just throw the talking-stick at the scary-looking man over there? It isn't meant for that; remember it's a metaphor for how something that can be used for violence can also be used for change and dialogue. Which means don't stab people with it, please."

Gaara folds his arms over his still jiggling chest—something I've noticed is his form of pouting.

My eyes widen. "Oh, Gaara, I'm so sorry; that was inconsiderate of me. This is how you end the jutsu." Gaara follows my hand-signs and poofs back into a glowering twelve-year-old boy. I suppose it suits him more. I am slowly realizing not everyone appreciates Naruto's jutsu the same way I do. It is rude and inconsiderate of me to think people would react the same I would. Oh well...

"I knew you said they were different," a deep voice sounds, "but what the actual fuck?"

Somewhere past my shoulder, Haku sighs.


A/N: Sorry; this plot bunny ended up being a lot longer than I originally planned. Also, I know nothing about cacti, but a handy Google searh revealed that King-cup cacti, or Echinocereus triglochidiatus, is actually a thing, though you should not try eating it.

Lady Deebo: Haha yes! The Gaara-Lunasuke bromance is about to begin!

DarkDust27: Sorry about the wait; hopefully the next update should be sooner :)

JBebe: Thank-you; I'm glad you like Lunasuke :)

VioletAthena: Thank-you! I actually read somewhere that a handbook said Gaara's hobbies where cacti gardening, hence me making my Gaara a giant dork :D

kyrzephyrs: Haha, yes this chapter Zabuza sees Lunasuke and Gaara for himself and glad that he and Haku were born in Kiri and not Suna or Konoha. Better the devil you know XD Now I have a new head-canon of Zabuza being "Haku may have dependent personality disorder but at least he didn't end up like those two. I'm not that bad at raising kids, am I, AM I?"

jaz7: Thanks! Hopefully you liked this chapter just as much :)

Tamani: Thanks :) You do have a few good points about the chunin exams; they're going to happen, but in a different way than before since everyone knows Orochimaru is up to shenanigans and Gaara being in a better place. And OMG, thank-you for that mental image. Jiraiya + Lunasuke = pure comedy gold

yukio00: Haha, yes next chapter is going to have a bit of reality ensues. For right now, I'm giving Luna-Sasuke the power of Confuse no Jutsu to make her opponents go "wth?" until someone can rescue her.

Guest: Thanks! Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up :)

Serinny: Thanks; I think I should pretty much change the summary to "Lunasuke saves the Elemental Nations through the power of friendship and belief in Nargles" XD

hello: Thank-you. Hopefully I delivered on this chapter :))

naschy71: Haha, thanks. Yup, things always get a little different when Luna Lovegood is involved

Dattebasa1: The bromance is in the air. Naruto and Sakura are going to get some serious competition to be Lunasuke's BFF ;D

ijnt: Thank-you! :D

dustyboy1209:Thanks! One of my favorite things about Lunsuke's POV is how differently I can make her see things than another character would; she just marches to her own drum.