Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.

A Ragican Fanfic

By Winnebagels

Chapter 10 – The Blockade

*Spudd McCollough sits atop the captain's chair in the cockpit of the Ragedenburg 1, furiously honking the horn of a toy steering wheel. Curaxu sits atop a noticeably taller captain's chair just to the right of Spudd McCollough's chair. Macaroni sits at the command console just below the two captain's chairs, etching crudely shaped penises into the glass. Rage is standing by the chief communications officer and the chief engineer, cackling as they fight to the death for his amusement. L33tGamingz456Xxz69 sits on the only functional captain's chair, throwing himself into his work. Steve lies below them in the ship's only turret. Evanz, Endless the Oceolt, and Fluke stand in the hallway and sneak puffs from a cigarette. The cigarette makes Evanz's tummy ache. Hollow slumps against a nearby terminal, still dripping with Spudd's vomit.*

Hollow – Hey L33t can I get a towel or something? I smell like iron and sheep intestines.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Sure thing. STEVE! STEVE HOLLOW NEEDS TOWELS! NO NOT THE WHIPPING TOWELS. THE DRYING TOWELS. YES STEVE I'M SURE. OF COURSE WE'RE NOT HAVING ANOTHER POOL PARTY WITHOUT YOU. STOP BEING SO PARANOID AND DO YOUR GODDAMN JOB.

Hollow – This uh really isn't necessary.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – WELL YOU KNOW WHAT MAYBE THIS TIME YOUR MOTHER'S THE WHORE. YOU EVER THINK OF THAT? HUH BIG GUY?

Hollow – If you could just point me to the bathroom –

*Endless notices Evanz's tummy ache, and motions for Fluke to get a doctor.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – I DON'T NEED YOU STEVE. YOU NEED ME. YOU'VE ALWAYS NEEDED ME. FINE THEN. GOOD. NO I'M HAPPIER.

Hollow – I'm gonna go see if Josh has anything.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – GUESS WHAT STEVE? MACARONI TOLD ME WHAT HE'S GETTING YOU FOR SECRET SANTA. IT'S A BUTT FUCKING STEVE. YOU'RE GETTING A BUTT FUCKING FOR CHRISTMAS.

Hollow – Hey Josh man can I borrow some clothes?

Rage – I knew you'd cave one day.

*Rage pulls a suitcase full of RageGaming t-shirts out of his back pocket, props it open, and hands a red shirt over to Hollow. The chief engineer lifts his bloody hands toward the suitcase but Rage uses a nearby stick to push him back into his "glory pit".*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Sorry Hollow I'd love to help you out but it looks like SOMEBODY WOULD RATHER SHOVE THEIR IDEA–DICK DOWN MY THROAT–BLENDER THAN HELP COMPANY!

Hollow – It's ok mate. This'll do for now. Thanks though.

*Hollow wipes himself down with the RageGaming shirt, then throws it into the lava wall behind Rage.*

Rage – You prick blister.

*Fluke raises a bonesaw, says "Im a doctor".*

Hollow – Oh you didn't think I'd actually wear one of those did you? Cmon Josh I'm dirty not desperate.

Rage – Look man if you needed a mess rag you could've just borrowed a challenger.

Hollow – Meh this was easier.

*A neon red light flashes above the second testicle of Macaroni's command console.*

Macaroni – Hey boss we've got trouble brewing.

Curaxu – What kind of trouble?

*A flash of light streaks across the sky, severely damaging the Ragedenburg 3.*

Macaroni – Looks like the spaceys set up a blockade. We best get Greg to radio the others.

*Evanz backs away from Fluke, coughing while waving his hands.*

Rage – Greg didn't make it.

Hollow – What do you mean Greg didn't make it?

Rage – Uh lemme get back to you on that.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – I guess we're using the flares then. STEVE. STEVE FIRE THE COMMUNICATION FLARES.

Hollow – Well?

Rage – Yeah my lawyers are telling me to blame the black guy. We have one of those right?

*Six green flares shoot out from under the Ragedenburg 1. They swerve wildly before colliding with the Ragedenburg 2, engulfing it in white hot fire.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – I guess we're on our own.

*Doctor Fluke hacks away at Evanz, motioning to Nurse Endless for a second radio.*

Curaxu – Dammit Spuddy Boy. Why did you build these things so unnecessarily flammable?

*Spudd takes a minor respite from his honking, drops a swig from his hip flask, stares Curaxu dead in the eyes, and readjusts his crotch.*

Macaroni – A spacey ship's coming alongside to board us boss. Deck 5 needs ground support near the breach.

Hollow – It's about damn time we got some action. L33t can you take us to the armory?

Rage – Why do you always get us involved Hollow? I'm sure somebody else could've handled it.

L33tGamings456Xxz69 – I can but that's not gonna do us any good if we can't carve our way through that blockade.

*Doctor Fluke slaps Evanz in the face yelling that he didn't go through six and a half years of Science School to let patients sleep through surgery.*

Curaxu – Let me worry about that.

Macaroni – Are you gonna rape them with your dragon boss? You should rape them. With your dragon.

Curaxu – Shhhh shhhh shhh Macaroni. Of course I will. For today, they face –

Rage – I told you somebody else could handle it.

Macaroni – I fucking love a good dragon rape.

Curaxu – That's right. I can handle it. The real question is if they can handle it when they face –

Hollow – That's just the blockade dingus. There's still a whole breach we hafta contain.

*Doctor Fluke throws a sheet over Evanz and calls it a success. Doctor Fluke and Nurse Endless split the rest of the absinthe 60-40.*

Curaxu – They'll be the ones containing their fear-urine when they face -

Rage – That you hafta handle you mean.

Curaxu – Speaking of faces –

Hollow – Oh no you don't man baby. This is your airship. You're helping.

Curaxu – GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!

Hollow – You ok Cura?

Rage – Jesus man don't you know it's rude to interrupt people?

Curaxu – OUUUUUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT!

*Hollow raises his finger and opens his mouth. Some of the spittle coming off of Curaxu's controlled outburst hits Hollow in the face. Hollow turns to the hallway and mumbles to himself about "too much world edit".*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – BYE STEVE. YOU'RE ACTING CAPTAIN WHILE I'M AWAY. NO YOU CAN'T ADOPT A BEAGLE. BECAUSE THEY'D DIG UP THE CARPET. THAT'S IT MISTER YOU'VE JUST MOVED YOUR BEDTIME UP AN HOUR. BUH BUH BUH DON'T MAKE ME MAKE IT AN HOUR FIFTEEN.

*Hollow, Rage and L33tGamingz456Xxz69 walk into the hallway. Fluke quickly hides the cigarette behind his back. Rage gives Endless the quick up-down and smiles at her before sneezing everywhere. Rage says he must be allergic to purrrfection. Hollow knocks Rage's glasses to the floor.*

Hollow – So where's this armory anyways?

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – I don't really remember. Steve is the one who's good with directions.

Hollow – Well we can just go back –

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – No we mustn't! He can't see me weak like this.

*L33tGamingz456Xxz69 takes a clump of grass out of his shirt pocket, then releases it into the open air.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – This way.

*L33tGamingz456Xxz69 stumbles down the north hallway, spins around three times, and backtracks to the east hallway. Hollow and Rage follow closely behind. Fluke and Endless carry Evanz between them, Weekend At Bernie's style. Evanz lifts his head slightly and winks at Rage.*

*Curaxu and Macaroni stand outside the cargo bay and stare at Curaxu's battle dragon. It towers above them, cloaked in brimstone and speckled generously with obsidian. A small horse is linked to the mechadrake by a slight lead. A sign hangs from the horse's neck with the words "look at my horse".*

Curaxu – Hey baby. I missed you.

Macaroni – She sure is beautiful boss.

Curaxu – It's a boy Macaroni.

Macaroni – Then where's the –

Curaxu – Shhhh shhhh shhhh Mac, it's not the size that matters.

*Spudd's voice crackles loudly in Curaxus ear.*

Spudd – Ye there yet Cura? Me an' Steve cannie hold them off for much longer.

Curaxu – Yeah I'm here Spuddy Boy.

Spudd – Good laddie. Cause we got fighters coming up on starboard.

Curaxu – I see them.

Spudd – Good luck out there Cura.

Curaxu – Your sympathies are noted Spuddy Boy. Am I clear for take off?

Spudd – Aye you're clear. An' laddie, in case ye don't come back, I just wan ye to know that…you're my best friend.

Curaxu – Don't get sentimental on me Spuddy Boy. I'll be back soon. Somebody hasta pick you up out of your own piss.

Spudd – Oy ye mean somebody has te drag ye oot yer own arse.

Curaxu – We'll agree to disagree. But Spudd, there is one thing I have to tell you before I go.

Spudd – Aye?

Curaxu – You're a shit builder.

Spudd – Burn in Hell ye fannybawbag.

*Curaxu spins his robotic mount away from the zeppelin and into seven enemy warships. An absolutely bitching bass guitar riff blares in the background. The sky glows blood red in empyreal anticipation.*

*L33tGamingz456Xxz69 lifts his ear off of the ground and takes a sharp left turn. Fluke has resigned himself to pushing Rage in a makeshift wheelchair because Rage was tired of walking and Fluke needed the money. Hollow hugs the lava wall, keeping a low center of gravity and doing an occasional barrel roll. Evanz leans against Endless and quietly munches on a fish burger.*

Hollow – How far away are we L33t?

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Five maybe six more steps.

Hollow – Wow we're making good time.

Rage – Hey! Hey guy! Why is there blood all over the floor?

Hollow – I thought that that was just more of your decorating.

Rage – What? No way blood makes me woozy.

*L33tGamingz456Xxz69 opens a double door painted red with blood. A single light flickers in the damp metallic room. The trail of blood gets thicker and snakes it's way to end splashed across a supply closet on the north wall.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – We're here. Armory sweet armory.

Evanz – Is this all you have?

*Evanz picks up a nearby drawstring bow from a table covered in snowballs.*

Hollow – Yoink.

*Hollow takes the bow out of Evanz's hands.*

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – What more could you need?

Evanz – What about guns? Yeah guns would be nice.

L33tGamingz456Xxz69 – Guns are for punks. Are you a punk Evanz?

Evanz – No, well maybe a little bit.

*Endless uses a paw to hide her laughter.*

Evanz – Shut up Endless.

*Evanz throws a snowball at the Ocelot.*

Rage – Nobody's told me why there's blood on the floor!

Fluke – Don't worry silly goose. It's just a little bit of blood.

Rage – There's no such thing as a little bit of mysterious ground blood!

Fluke – I bet there's more in that closet. Let's check it out.

*Fluke climbs onto Rage's wheelchair after a brief running start.*

Rage – Dammit Will this isn't cool let me go.

*Fluke and Rage narrowly miss Endless, who is making blood angels on the floor.*

Fluke – Come on you grumpy gus. Where's your sense of adventure?

Rage – I left it in my other pants, now please Will stop. This isn't funny.

*Fluke and Rage crash into the north wall. Evanz gives Fluke a thumbs up. Hollow raises a white card with a black number five written on it.*

Fluke – Let's get those prizes.

*Fluke swings open the second blood doors, spilling some into Rage's open mouth. Dafaria and HisseyLeSnake sit in a corner and play Super Nintendo.*

Dafaria – Oh hey guys. What's up? You want next turn?