Chapter 11
I ask Brandon to take a walk so I can have some time alone to think about things. I know I keep going back and forth with this, but I've made my decision, I want to be with him. They'll understand one day, but they don't have to know right now. But I still feel like I have to tell Jesus and AJ about what I did to my mom, I've thought a lot about it and I think Jesus will be able to understand it and get past it, his sister could, but I just don't know about AJ. Sure we've had time to talk about our lives, but I haven't had time to really get to know him and how he acts in certain situations. Jesus has already proved to me that he's strong, I'll have to wait and see with AJ. I know the longer I keep it from him the more it will upset him, then he'll be mad at Ty too, he knew this whole time.
Once Brandon comes back, we talk more, he seems to like to talk about his family a lot, and how great they are, but he seems to avoid talking about Jesus, which I understand. He tells me about his music too, and Julliard, he loves it there but he's home sick.
"So are you sleeping in your old room tonight?"
"No there's not much point in moving Callie's stuff out of there, you'll be home soon anyway and there's no room for all of us, I'm staying at my dad's,"
"And that's Mike, my brother's foster dad?"
"Is it weird for you? Having all of your parents foster and adopt and all that?"
"I mean, it was at first, but I'm used to it now, we're a family, I haven't known AJ that long but he's a good guy, and he and my dad really care about each other. Who am I to get in the way of that?"
"Well, you are his biological son, if you don't love AJ staying there you can say something about it," I'm happy AJ has a good home and foster dad, but I kind of wish it was just me and him.
"No, it's a little late for that, with the adoption underway,"
"What adoption?" He looks at me really awkwardly, "Mike's adopting my brother?" This is not fair.
"Sorry, I don't think I was supposed to bring that up, come on aren't you happy for him?" Happy? No, I'm furious.
"He's my family, not Mike's, we need to be together,"
"Him getting adopted doesn't change that, look, pretty soon he'll be 18 and it doesn't matter if he's adopted or not, you'll still be a family no matter what,"
"Whatever," I cross my arms and face away from him.
"Alright, well, mama just text me, she's on her way back here," He gets up and hovers for a second, "Okay well bye," He leaves.
I look over to my left and see my cell phone lying on the table next to me, I grab it angrily dial AJ.
"Hey, you okay? I just left you," His voice sounds a lot less angry than it did earlier.
"Why didn't you tell me you're getting adopted? That's kind of a big thing AJ,"
"Okay first of all," His voice gets angry again, "Nothing's set in stone yet, it's just something that Mike and I are talking about, second of all, I don't think you should be judging me for keeping secrets," He shuts me up right away, "Yeah and don't think I don't know you're hiding something else from me, I might not know exactly what it is but, you're not a very good liar, I can see right through you," He hangs up.
He knows, he knows I did something bad. He is going to be so much angrier when he finds out. Why do I only ever seem to make things worse for myself? And everyone around me. If I had just stayed in Juvie, none of this would have happened.
"Hey sweetie, I brought you a snack," Lena comes in smiling, I try my best to act like I'm fine, I smile and thank her, but she's a mother, she can tell when something's not right, "Okay, talk to me," She says, she doesn't really give me an option to say no.
"AJ knows I'm hiding something from him, he's mad at me," I burst into tears, "I just found him I don't want to lose him.
"Honey, you won't lose him, he's family, you'll get through it, you just need, to be honest with him,"
"I can't, if he was mad about keeping secrets, this will drive him crazy, he'll never wanna see me again, or Ty," Lena puts her arm around me.
"You don't know that for sure, but right now he's mad at you and you don't know how long that will last, wouldn't rather take a chance and tell him, he might surprise you," She's right, he is family and I should try and trust him even if it ends up being a mistake, "At the very least you'll know you did the right thing," But I didn't, I murdered my mother, "Honesty is always the best choice,"
"If I do tell him, and I lose him I'll have no one,"
"That's not true, you've got me," She picks my chin up, "Come on little one, try to think positive thoughts," She rocks me, I feel like a little kid again, when I would cry my mom would rock me like this, it always made me feel so safe and warm and loved, but back then there was no guilt, this time the guilt hits me like a ton of bricks, I pull away from Lena.
"Thanks, Lena, I'm really tired, I think I'll try and sleep," I lie down.
"That's a good idea, I'm going to stay here with you tonight, but when you wake up one of the others might be here," She strokes my arm, "Just close your eyes and forget about everything for a little while," She kisses my cheek. And more guilt floods through me.
