Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Winter Song

Chapter 10: I'll Try

I am not a child now

I can take care of myself

I mustn't let them down now

Mustn't let them see me cry

I'm fine

I'm fine

I'm too tired to listen

I'm too old to believe

All these childish stories

There is no such thing as faith

And trust

And pixie dust

I'll try

But it's so hard to believe

I'll try

But I can't see what you see

I'll try

I'll try

I'll try

"I'll Try" by Jonatha Brooke (Return to Neverland (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack))

Willow found him first. He supposed that he was thankful that it was a Saturday morning so no one needed him to go to school, or even try to face the day. His parents were probably frantic. He couldn't bring himself to care. He felt dead inside, which was good; he didn't want to feel anything right now because there was only pain and self-disgust. So instead he'd gone to sleep, and when he'd woken up he'd just sat there.

He didn't hear her come in but he wasn't surprised when her weight settled down next to him, and he wasn't surprised that it was her and no one else who'd found him first. Willow magic. For a moment they both sat there, silent, enjoying being next to each other with no other people, no interruptions. It seemed that ever since Buffy had arrived there had been nothing but interruptions in the sibling-like friendship of Xander and Willow, and he felt a momentary flare of resentment before he frantically shut the feelings back down and returned to numb again.

"Hi, Xander," Willow said finally.

"Hey, Wills," he said, his voice a little husky. Probably from all the crying last night. He didn't want to think about it.

"How are you?" she asked after a moment.

"Fine."

"Don't lie to me," Willow said, her voice steely. "I know that we haven't been really close lately but I think I deserve more than you lying to me." Her voice sounded surprisingly pained, and he realized that he'd maybe hurt her more with his little explosion last night than he'd hurt himself. He felt scumlike.

"I'm sorry," he offered lamely. Xander had a feeling he'd be saying that more often soon.

"That's not good enough," she said angrily. He had a feeling he'd be hearing more of that soon too.

"What do you want me to say?" he asked, defeated.

"I don't know – the truth?" Willow snapped. "Look, I know you're going through something major but I think that this has to do with more than your parents, and Tara told me to not get angry with you but damn it, Xander! I mean…you were way out of line last night and I just…you didn't used to hide yourself from me." Her voice lost some of its fire, went down to the hurt.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Will," he whispered. "I don't know what I know or what I believe. I mean, why the hell is this happening to me?" Xander was suddenly angry, hurt and angry and wanting to lash out. "I mean, have I done something so wrong? I don't deserve this! 'God has a plan, Xander!' Bullshit!" he roared, and jerked away from her to kick the pew angrily.

"Xander, stop!" Willow said fiercely. "You didn't do anything wrong! You didn't choose to be gay!"

"That doesn't stop it from destroying my life!" Xander yelled, his voice cracking. "I'm lying to my friends and I'm lying to my parents and I don't know anything anymore!"

"What you are doesn't destroy your life – you can do that for yourself," Willow said firmly. "It's the choices that we make that decides our entire life, and that's not God's doing, that's ours."

"You're not even a Christian," Xander said weakly.

"All Gods or Goddesses are the same," Willow said. "And we can't expect God to just swoop down and solve all of our problems for us. That's why we have choices: so we can live!"

Xander felt the walls of numbness that he'd tried to put up around his heart shatter in a shower of glass, cutting the wounds wide open – the pain, the anger, the fear, the self-disgust, and the love, the hope, the joy, everything that made him human experienced all at once. He dropped down on the pew and hung his head in between his legs, shuddering as the tears started going down his face.

Willow sat down next to him and put her arm around his back. He turned toward her and burrowed his face in her neck. She held him like a mother, like a sister, like a friend, and let him cry it out. They stayed like that for a long time, under the gentle sunlight streaming through stained-glass windows and bouncing off of the golden cross.

"I'm sorry," he whispered an eternity later.

"It's okay," Willow said, but Xander shook his head.

"No, it's not. I screwed up, Willow."

"I know," Willow said.

"Thanks," Xander said dryly.

"It's why I'm here."

"Last night…I…I was out of my head. I don't even know why I—" He couldn't finish the sentence.

"Why you made out with Spike in front of half the Bronze?" Willow supplied acerbically.

"Yeah, that," Xander said.

"Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that one myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, underneath all the shock it was kinda hot to watch—"

"Willow!" Xander gasped, but she was smirking at him.

"Xander," Willow said, the smirk fading. "You're my best friend. We used to know everything about each other. I swear no matter what you say I'm not going to repeat it to anyone."

"Not even Tara?" Xander asked.

"Not even Tara," Willow said without hesitation.

"Pinky promise?" Xander asked with a slight smile. Willow smiled back and they solemnly locked pinkies, as they'd done a million times over the years of their friendship.

Xander took a deep breath and decided that if he was going to make this confession, he was going to do it right. He could appreciate that this was happening in church. He'd been lying to himself and to others too much lately, and Willow was right. He couldn't expect God to just carry him through this.

"I…first figured out I was gay because of Angel," he said, taking the plunge. Willow's eyes widened.

"Angel?" she asked in disbelief.

"That first night at the Bronze," Xander said. "When he walked in. It was like…God, I don't even know that I can describe it! It was like everything stalled. Freeze frame: there he was. I mean, you've seen him. He was just so…I don't know, like a real angel just standing there and then our eyes met and I just…"

"You fell in love with him?" Willow guessed shrewdly. Xander nodded miserably. "Oh, Xander…"

"I know," he said bitterly. "But I just couldn't stop it! It's like everywhere I went, there he was! And he's just so…so beautiful and intense and…I can't even tell myself that it's just a crush because I know it's not!"

"Have you talked to anyone about this?" Willow asked.

"Not as such, no," Xander said.

"What does that mean?" Willow asked, staring at him.

"I kissed him," he said with a sigh.

"You what?!" she gasped. "What…with…what happened?"

"That night that you and Buffy were both busy and I went to hang out with Spike," Xander elaborated. Now that he had started to tell the story he could feel it being drawn out of him, like exposing the truth was making it better, somehow. "But Angel was there. He didn't have a shirt on," he went on, remembering.

"Well, what does he look like half naked?" Willow asked, trying weakly to joke about it.

"Perfect," Xander said, not joking. "I just wanted…so much…God, just thinking about him makes me hate myself because then I just think about Buffy and I want to die."

"The heart wants things that the mind knows nothing of," Willow said simply. "Keep going." She sounded like she understood exactly how telling the whole story was making him feel, and he gave her a grateful smile.

"He was drinking a beer and he invited me in. So we started talking. It was like…you know how when you're with someone and it's like this…magic, I guess, where the outside world just goes away?" he asked, struggling to explain.

"It's like that with Tara, sometimes," Willow said with a small smile. He smiled back, encouraged.

"Time just passed and then suddenly he was telling me about his childhood. I just felt so bad for him. It was wrong that he'd hurt that much, you know? Like Tara? I just wanted to protect him." Willow put her hand on his face and smiled in sad understanding. "And then…I just saw it in his eyes. The way I feel when I look at him. I don't know, I just…knew, knew what was gonna happen. And I didn't do a thing to stop it. And then he was kissing me and it was…it was heaven," Xander whispered, in pain.

"It was something that I don't know if I'll ever feel again, ever understand. It was…God, it was so good! And then he was freaked, like…like he couldn't understand how it had happened, and he looked so angry with himself that he was my first kiss. He told me he was sorry and that it wasn't my fault. Then the next time I saw him it was…"

"After Buffy's birthday," Willow said. "At the Bronze." Xander nodded miserably. "And because you know that he and Spike and Drusilla are kind of weird around each other you just wanted to hurt him as much as he'd hurt you, so you kissed Spike."

"Yeah," Xander said miserably. "And now I feel like pond scum. Worse than pond scum. I hurt you and I probably hurt Buffy. I know I hurt Angel and that look in his eyes makes me want to die, and I don't know if Spike is ever gonna talk to me again, and he's one of my best friends too, Willow. I hate myself right now!"

"Well, don't get me wrong, Xander," she said after a moment, "what you did was wrong. It was selfish and it was mean and it hurt a bunch of people that you love. But I understand why you did what you did. All you can really do now is apologize."

"I won't apologize to Angel," Xander said firmly. "I'm sorry that I hurt him but I just…I can't be around him right now. When I'm around him my world spins off into crazy Xanderland."

"Crazy sexy Xanderland," Willow corrected him.

"Was it sexy?" Xander asked with a smirk.

"Don't go getting full of yourself," Willow said superiorly. "But you should go talk to Spike," she decided. "I think he deserves an explanation."

"What am I going to say to him?" Xander asked.

"I don't have a clue – but I trust you to figure it out," Willow said, standing up.

"Willow…what about Buffy?"

She gave him a look of pity. "Buffy doesn't know what's going on right now, she just thinks that you and Angel may have had a fight about something. I don't think that you should tell her – I think that you should talk to Angel."

"But—"

"Resolve face," Willow said firmly, and he gave up. When Willow wore her resolve face there was simply no reasoning with her. "You need to talk to Angel, because I do think that there's something going on between you two that you need to address before he decides what to do with either you or Buffy."

"Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom on me," Xander said grumpily. "Willow? Thanks."

She melted and hugged him fiercely. "You're my best friend, Xander. No matter what happens or how mad at you I get, you're my best friend."

"Me too, Wills. Me too."

When they pulled apart they ignored each other drying their eyes. Xander gave her a dry look. "You'd better get out of here."

"Why?" she asked suspiciously.

"Witches burn in churches," Xander said sanctimoniously. She shrieked and chased him all the way out of the church, smacking him the entire way. The sunlight streamed off the cross behind them, filling the room with light.