Those Weird Feelings No One Ever Gets
So, here I am.
Yeah, I'm proud to say that I'm writing this the same day that I posted last chapter.
On New Year's Eve... I have no life and nothing to do. And currently it's a little over three hours to 2008.
So, what's the zodiac this year? Who will be dancing at the banquet?
Yeah... Fruits Basket... Aharharhar...
I read all your reviews. I fear for my life (still) and I thank you all.
And I'm shaking my fist at you, flower.pot!
But that aside, let us be off!
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It was silly but I checked the clock and found it had been fifteen minutes that Sasuke was staring at my phone.
I'm still debating whether he was trying to be sure it was Neji or if he was in shock.
I couldn't blame him. Even I, who hates Neji with a thousand blades of yakkablakka bleck through his chest and down his riffergubbba throat until he burns forever in some kind of skillet... find it surprising.
No doubt my surprise is different than Sasuke's... Sasuke trusted him and believed he could respect him and be respected by him...
I'm just surprised to hear he's dating a girl, or that a girl would date him at all.
Honestly, I thought Neji was trash and shit and scum but I didn't expect him to go so low that he'd cheat. I'm not shocked that he's cheating but I thought enough of him that I could trust my best friend in his hands.
I was more anticipating Sasuke's reaction and proud and surprised of myself for remembering to take a picture.
"That's Neji."
That was a start...
Then he laughed. It was soft and low and cracking but it was a laugh.
It got creepy when he was full out cackling and rolling around on his bed.
"Man!" he cried, sitting up with a strange smile on his face, "Man alive! How glad I am that Itachi used to take archery!"
He grabbed his skate board and sped out of the house.
What in hell was that?
Let us find out, shall we?
I followed on blades as Sasuke sped down the street, weaving through cars and past people and over cars and under people and slamming into cars and jumping over people.
He had no idea where he was going...
Take it back. He only seemed like he didn't, but there was the red Honda, parked by the shooting range. (6)
But I guess he didn't know how to get in properly because he stopped by the railing of the bridge we were on and looked down upon it.
"We're gonna wait..." he said, eying Ten Ten and then looking to Neji.
He laughed when he saw Neji. I think he was imagining what he was going to do to him.
Then he slammed the edge of his skateboard to the railing, leaving a fine dent, and he turned his back to the shooting range.
I was scared (for Sasuke, of course) but still my heart smiled. He believed me. He really believed me...
He believed me so strongly that he was about to kill a guy...
"Hey, hey, Sasuke I know you're mad but... Listen, don't kill him!"
"Killing him would only put him out of his misery," he said sadistically, "I have to keep him on edge. We'll teach him to wrong an Uchiha. We'll teach him to mess with my best friend..."
He was grinning like a maniac... well, actually, I think he is a maniac but still...
Fingering his skateboard, Sasuke looked back down at the practice. They were taking a break and Ten Ten was standing by Neji, laughing and chatting.
I only watched them begin to kiss for a split second before I looked to Sasuke.
He was jumping over the bridge.
"Sasuke! Don't kill yourself over that one guy!"
He landed smartly on his feet.
I looked to the archery practice. They were too far away to notice.
I looked back down. Sasuke had his arms outstretched to me.
"Dear Venus. What have you done to us? Why is this happening to me?"
As I prayed I swung my legs over the railing and let myself drop.
"You know, Venus, I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you."
Sasuke was still smiling evilly when he caught me.
"Amen."
"You said you were agnostic."
"I was praying to the Roman god of love."
He touched a hand to his heart like he was having a stroke. "Good grief, I thought you were doing something weird like praying to the Christian god, or Alla."
"What's wrong with that?"
"... Anyway! We have a life to destroy."
I sighed.
"We could be arrested for-"
"Let us be off!" He punched his fist to the hair and grabbed my hand.
And off we were indeed.
Note to self: Bushes are not friends.
"Ow, god damn it, Sasuke, why did you have to choose a thorn bush?"
Especially ones with large prickers.
"Well, it was this or get caught!"
And bees.
"Ow! Ow!" I swatted several times, "Well, he'll see you eventually!"
"I want to wait until the crowds have passed!"
And ants.
"Eck! Well, go kill him now so I can get out of this damn bush, for the sake of my fine body!"
"That is something to waste... However! You see, I've formed a plan. You're going to stop him and start discussing the fact that he's a dirty two timer and that he should go rot in hell and then, once everyone has gone home but him and his slut, I'm going to hit him upside the head!"
"She's not a slut!"
"Just tell me my plan is good so people won't get suspicious of a talking bush!"
"You're only going to hit him once?"
"I'm going to hit him on random days so he'll become paranoid, see? Amidst that I will begin calling his house and he'll believe I'm going to come after him, and he'll get really scared, see? And then I'm going to tell him about how wrong he was to treat my friend like shit and to believe I was dumb enough to never find out about him cheating, see? Then he'll never come near me again. But, see, I'll be following him and-"
"Did you hear that?"
We've been caught! I clung to the branches of the bush for comfort but my hands just started bleeding more.
"Probably a rabbit."
"Shoot it!"
"I'll miss!"
"Then I'll shoot it!"
I looked in the direction of Sasuke with wide eyes but found nothing but leaves and darkness. Nonetheless, I knew he was still there...
An arrow hit my roller blade and I near about died.
I looked down at my blades and a big arrow protruded from it.
I love you skates. I really do. Remind me to treat you to nachos sometime, because I owe you one...
"I think you missed."
"Not like you'd have hit it!"
"Would you punks settle down? Keep practicing or I'll make you stay after!"
"Yes ma'am."
Why did it have to be archery practice? Oh, why?
"Ah, shoot! I missed again!"
I think that one hit Sasuke... I smell blood. Why... why?
It had to have been at least three hours... My cell phone told me it had been forty minutes.
Liar.
"Go talk to him!" Sasuke hissed.
No time to waste. I jumped from the bush and strolled smoothly over to Neji where he was talking to Ten Ten and handing her a water bottle.
I stepped up right when he had been leaning closer.
"Neji."
He jumped.
Ahaha! Unlimited texting says I.H8.U!
"Ah, Naruto!" said Ten Ten, smiling, "I didn't know you were into archery!"
"He's not," Neji scowled, staring hard at me, "How did you find out, you little fuck?"
"Neji!"
"Reliable sources, you piece of shit."
"Wh-what is this, Neji?" Ten Ten said, stepping away. She grabbed a hold of an arrow too, which scared the hell out of me.
"Just a friend."
"You don't deserve friends!" I bit at him and turned to Ten Ten, "Listen to me, this guy has been cheating on you!"
"Wh... N-no! No he hasn't!"
"Sure you have, hm? Gonna tell your girl friend or are you going to lie to her too?"
"Don't listen to him, Ten, he just wants to date you, probably." He took her hands and smiled at her. "I'd never do something so-"
"I already know who I love and I'm doing this for their benefit, not mine or hers. If she doesn't was to believe me, that's fine, but I know you know and I know someone else that knows."
"I would never cheat on my girlfriend!"
"But you'll cheat on your boyfriend!"
"I don't have a boyfriend!"
"N-neji?"
"Oh, then Sasuke's a girl?"
"I don't know who you're talking about! Get away from us, you're crazy!" He pulled Ten Ten towards his car, "C'mon, we should call the police."
Ten Ten looked at me hard.
Oh, boy. She believed me.
"Who?" she asked me, tears welling up but a stern expression on her face.
I was sure if I told her she'd shoot an arrow at them.
"I can't say."
No, but I could show you. I grabbed Neji by the wrist as Sasuke stepped coolly out of the bush, his skateboard behind his back.
"Hello there, babe," said Sasuke, stepping up to Neji and nodding, "Having a good time?"
"Wh-what the hell are...? Ah, how are you?"
"Oh, I'm just fine. How's your little friend here?"
Ten Ten looked to Sasuke.
She wasn't dumb. She knew who this was.
"She's... fine-"
"I bet you think she's fine," Sasuke snapped, right in Neji's face, "That's the only reason you're with her, hm? Because she's fine? Because she's hot? Because she's a blast in bed?"
"I don't know what you're thinking but we're not like that."
"Neji?" Ten Ten snapped, "Not like what?"
"Sw... Ten..."
"You said you loved me!" Ten Ten sobbed, tears spilling down her face.
"Strange," said Sasuke, patting Neji's cheek, "You said the same thing to me."
"Sasuke, listen to me..."
"Listen to what?" he said as if asking what Neji wanted for breakfast, "More lying? More swooning? About how much I should trust you and how much you respect me? Listen to your compliments and intelligence? You may have been smart and you may have trusted me and you may have respected me..."
He kissed Neji's cheek.
I gagged.
He swung his skateboard up and it cracked as it hit Neji's head.
I blinked in shock and grinned like monkey.
"But you also fucked around. And fucking, my dear, is meant up the ass and in bed only. You were sticking it in a whole 'nother place."
"I don't think he heard that last part."
"Nobody cares," he said with a smirk, stepping on Neji's face.
I smiled and looked to Ten Ten.
She was on her knees, eyes wide, tears sparkling.
Oh yeah... she was a girl... Duh.
"H...Hey..." I said, kneeling down in front of her, "You OK?"
She sobbed lightly.
"H-he... never... I..."
I smiled warmly. "Listen if he was going to do something like that he didn't deser-"
Is that "Ten Ten is a Chesty Male" offer still up?
Because she just stabbed an arrow through his hand.
"You're probably fucking your cousin too..." she growled, pulling out a knife and holding it up to Neji.
"Uh..." I started.
Sasuke was watching with a smile. I looked at him with worry. Wasn't this going to far?
He kept grinning.
Ten Ten tossed Neji's pony tail all over his limp body.
Like I've said, too many action thrillers...
Ten Ten drove us home in Neji's car.
Sasuke sat up front and the two discussed everything that made a piece of the already solved puzzle.
"I can't believe I didn't see that!" Ten Ten cried, pressing a hand to the top of her head, "Picking up his cousin... yeah right."
Sasuke rolled his eyes and kicked his feet up on the dashboard. "Yesterday he told me he was going to his aunt's to clean her attic." He shook his head in shame.
"Uhm..." Ten Ten looked quickly from the road to Sasuke and back, "He told me he was going to a movie with his family..."
They were silent.
"That cheating, traitorous little shit!" Ten Ten shouted, slamming her fist on the steering wheel.
Sasuke leaned back in his chair.
He was plotting.
I, meanwhile, was being paranoid in that back seat.
No, I did not wet myself.
I decided that the best way to get out of things, just in case Neji or anyone else called the cops, was to tell Itachi.
Oh yeah, Itachi will already know by the time we get home. Yeah, he'll know what happened and he'll know what to do...
Ten Ten stopped at Sasuke's house.
"You need me to drive you home, Naruto?"
"He's staying here," Sasuke said, grabbing my hand. "Hey, wait out here, I have... some artistic qualities I'd like to spruce this car up with."
Ten Ten grinned and turned the engine off.
About fifteen minutes later Sasuke and I watched as Ten Ten drove off and the words "Give me a condom and I'll fuck anything," disappeared down the street.
"Won't he paint over it?" I asked as we stepped inside the back door, "I mean, he doesn't want the world to know that he really will fuck anything."
"True dat," said Sasuke, nodding and pulling a tomato from their fridge, "But not before everyone knows that he enjoys fucking sheep."
"How do you know this?" I gasped.
"Elementary, dear Watson," he said, tapping his nose.
"Don't tell me you let a sheep fucker fuck you?" I said, sticking out my tongue.
"I wouldn't let even you fuck me." He pulled out a can of whipped cream and topped his tomato.
"What?" I said, "And I'd been planning for so long... What the hell is that? A French side dish?"
"It's delicious is what it is," he said through a mustache of whipped cream.
I demonstrated my distaste by sticking my finger "down my throat".
"So, when was this fuck fest scheduled, my dear?"
I blushed. Duh... Duh! I keep forgetting that I like him like that...
"I was... joking," I muttered, slumping into a chair.
"Aw, no sex for Sasuke?"
"Not unless you want Neji's corpse."
"I'd screw a girl and I'd screw a boy but I wouldn't screw a freak like Neji and I wouldn't screw a corpse, and I certainly wouldn't screw Neji's corpse."
"Good," I mumbled, pulling a carton of cranberry juice from the fridge.
"Did I mention that I would screw boys? And blonds and idiots and blond idiots; which are basically one in the same, and roller bladers and people who look good in orange miniskirts."
"Man oh man, too bad my hair's purple," I said, lifting the juice carton to my lips.
"I believe it's yellow."
Itachi passed and pulled the carton from my hand while I spoke.
"Uh, so it is," I said, pulling on a lock of hair.
"Well, what do you know?" said Sasuke, hopping up to sit on the counter.
"Looks like someone's getting screwed tonight," said Itachi uninterestedly, handing me a glass of cranberry juice.
"I thought you told Kisame 'no more'," said Sasuke.
Itachi gave him The Look.
Let me explain. The Look consists of two things: pure hatred and the entire world slowing to a halt.
"I think he meant me," I said roboticly (7). A side effect of The Look.
Sasuke rolled his eyes but said no more.
"I did," Itachi drolled, "How was your little boyfriend?"
"Oh, just dandy," said Sasuke.
"Very well. I'll tell the police that you were home at the specified times."
Did I not tell you? I did tell you! Zat guy eez ze mastah.
Psshhoooooo.
"We were home..." said Sasuke, cocking an eyebrow.
"Yes, I know, that's why I will be telling them that."
"It almost sounded like you were going to lie to them or something, jeez."
"Unthinkable." He swept out of the room with a quick wave.
"That guy, I think he's going daft."
"But we weren't home..."
Sasuke gave me a look like there was something wrong with me.
"Is there something wrong with you?"
I smacked my head, "Sorry, sorry, too much ramen; goes to my head."
"You better lay off that stuff, buddy, or the law might be after you."
I shook my head solemnly. "Jesus, what was I thinking? I have a wife, two kids and a job! How could I do something so stupid...?"
"Listen, pal," Sasuke said, setting a hand on my shoulder, "We all make mistakes. As long as you stop now things will be fine."
I sniffed exaggeratedly. "Y-yeah, s-sorry man..."
"Don't worry, these kind of things can be replaced."
"But it was your brothers right arm!"
"... Well, you know, we'll work it out. You just take a Tylenol and get to sleep."
"Right, right..." I ran a hand down my face.
Silence.
Laughter.
"Oh my god, that was dumb!" Sasuke said between laughs.
"You started it, dude, you totally started it!"
"Trend setter," said Sasuke, striking a pose, "Follow me blindly, minions.
"Pssh."
"I said follow me blindly!"
"Yes sir! Sorry sir!" I saluted.
I hadn't laughed so much all week.
It felt incredibly natural.
That night I slept in Sasuke's bed with Sasuke. We stayed up until twelve playing strip poker.
I lost.
I felt very naked.
I was very naked. Very naked indeed.
Sasuke said that, because I lost so bad I had to sleep in what I was wearing.
Which was nothing.
In the end he allowed me my boxers.
I've never appreciated thin cotton more.
Despite my position I was not harassed/molested/raped.
In fact, Sasuke kept to himself with his back to me.
Neither of us got much sleep.
I stayed up listening to Sasuke.
Sasuke stayed up crying.
He finally stopped and fell asleep after I turned over and hugged him.
It felt wholly like my fault.
I didn't cheat and I didn't tell the guy to cheat but... I didn't have to tell Sasuke he was cheating.
Did I?
...Yes I did.
"Did I...?" I mumbled when I knew Sasuke was asleep, "Did I do the right thing?"
I don't know a lot.
"Yeah, you did."
I smiled.
I don't know a lot, but I know Sasuke smiled too.
"Out of bed with your hands up!"
I jumped and looked to the door first thing. It was closed.
I looked to the person beside me. He was sitting Indian style and laughing at me.
"You should have seen your face!" he howled, "'O.M.G. they're come for me!'"
"Well, I didn't do anything, did I?" I snapped. "I.H.U."
"U.R.A.Q.T." He pinched me cheek.
I grumbled and started for the bathroom. "B.R.B."
Kisame gave me a funny look as I past.
"I knew they should have gotten that unlimited texting..." he said as I shut the bathroom door.
Itachi made breakfast again. And wore his pink apron.
I think he did it because Kisame liked.
Because Kisame did like it indeed.
Gaara mentioned the play that night at lunch and Sasuke mentioned having bought front row seats and I mentioned that I was madly in love with him and hugged him so tight he had to push me away.
That day in cooking we were making pudding. By the way.
"Alright, just do what you do and give it your best shot," said Miss Mitarashi with what Sasuke called a Naruto grin. Me looking like a freak lady like her? Yeah right...
"She did the grin!" Sasuke said as he started boiling some water.
"I know," I snapped.
"She's, like, your long lost sister."
I snapped several bars of chocolate into small pieces. "No. No she's not."
"I think she's kinda cute."
"Then you think I'm cute, you idiot," I chucked a chunk of chocolate at him.
He caught it... in his mouth.
"Yes."
"Yes what?" I said, dumping the chocolate in a bowl.
"Yes I do." He grabbed out a large rubber spatula.
"You do what?" I wined, dropping the bowl on top of the pot where the water was beginning to simmer.
"I do think so," he said, twirling his spatula.
"About what?"
If I were sitting reading this then I would have looked back to see what he thought so of, because I had already forgotten.
He kicked me lightly on the butt. "Yes. I do think you're cute."
The egg I'd been cracking dropped to the bottom of my bowl and splattered.
"Ah!"
Sasuke looked over my shoulder. "Do we have to have the egg yolk talk again?"
I hit him with the nearest wooden spoon. "Don't tell me things like that when I'm in the middle of a crucial operation!"
"Things like what?"
"Like telling me I'm cute!"
"Crucial operation?"
"I have to concentrate when I crack eggs, OK?"
"Or else this happens?" he smeared a drop of egg yolk over my nose.
I grabbed his hand and shoved his finger in his mouth.
"Did you know that raw eggs have the chance of giving you salmonella poisoning?"
He wiped his finger on his apron and stuck out his tongue.
"Ah hink mah tugg ith iffected!"
I handed him a glass of water and pushed him towards the melting chocolate.
"Is that even legal?" he said after a few minutes, "Wasn't that like an attempt at murder?"
"You won't die from salmonella poisoning."
"But you'll get sick! And then you die!"
"We'll make a deal," I said, stirring several ingredients, "If you die of salmonella poisoning I'll eat a dozen raw eggs."
"But why would I care if I'm dead?" he sobbed.
"OK, if you die I won't do anything."
"You won't mourn?"
"I'll mourn."
"For the rest of your life?"
"Sure."
"But why would you do that if I was dead?" he scoffed.
"OK. When you die of salmonella poisoning I'll just move on with my life."
"Now I'm for sure dying of salmonella poisoning?" he screeched.
"Just shut up and stir."
Yeah, and he shut up and he stirred.
"Hand me that serving cup," I said as I prepared myself to dish out our finished pudding.
Sasuke turned from his dish washing and handed me the two cups.
Silently.
"Thank you."
He turned back around and washed his dishes.
Silently.
Miss Mitarashi decided that since we had time we could either cool our pudding and eat it tomorrow or eat it warm right there in then; whichever we preferred.
Not a single kid in the class wasn't eating.
"Not bad," I said, with my spoon in my mouth.
Sasuke nodded.
"Would you talk already? Jesus."
"We're professional chefs. Badabing," he said, making a drum beat motion with his finger and spoon.
"Not professionally," I pointed out.
"No. Professional chefs just not professionally."
"Correcto."
"You have a mustache."
"Shit," I slapped my hand over my eyes, "I was supposed to keep looking young and reserved forever! How did I start getting old?"
"Avenged Sevenfold," said Sasuke, popping his spoon into his mouth, "And not that kind of mustache."
I looked out at him between my fingers. "What?"
Sasuke, who is a complete and entire pig, though not as bad as me, finished the rest of his pudding, like a pig, licked his lips, like a pig, and wiped his mouth, like a refined gentleman.
"Over here," he grunted, motioning me to come closer. With a sigh a shifted my pudding in front of the next seat over and sat myself in the chair next to Sasuke.
"What?"
"This mustache."
He grabbed my face.
OK, no, I've said a lot but this is one thing I don't know if I'll be able to say again...
What do you mean I have to say it?
I do not get payed for this!
No, I will not do it if you make Sasuke do... that...
Leave me alone!
OK, fine! Ugh...
He... licked my... mustache.
Apparently it was made of pudding.
Here I quote it was "slimy yet satisfying". (8)
Hey, a teenage boy can watch and enjoy Disney movies, can't he?
I don't want to go into detail...
Stop poking me with that thing!
OK! Fine!
It felt like slimy fish.
Happy?
And I didn't taste anything!
But pudding...
Now... Now leave me alone!
"Hmmm... I can't decide what tastes better, you or the pudding..." said Sasuke, smacking his lips tastefully.
I shoved him off his chair and scooted away in an embarrassed rage.
"Let's say it was the pudding and you can lick that instead."
"I didn't get that great of a taste of you, y'know," he said as he pulled himself back onto his chair.
"Good, let us leave it that way," I grumbled into a spoonful of pudding.
"Or you could just spend another night in my house in my bed..." he said scooting his index finger across the table towards me.
"Or I could spend the night at my own house after dinner at yours," I snapped, smashing his finger.
"Good plan, I'll come too."
"Now I remember why I decided I wouldn't give you a key to my house."
"Speaking of which, would you mind lending me one of yours?"
"I fear you'll rape me..."
"You have every right."
I looked at him. He grinned.
"Why don't you go buy yourself a dildo and a prostitute and leave me out of it?"
"It could be a threesome!"
"Foursome, including the dildo."
"Can I lick your face again?"
One. Two Three. Four. It skipped four beats this time.
Very good question indeed...
TBC
-----
(6): Holy mother of Bush, that's a real place. Good thing I know Long Beach well...
(7): That is not a real word.
(8): Lion King
I wonder if Neji died...
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERY BODY!
Bring out the dancing tubas.
Let us bring in the new year with a big SasuNaru fuck fest.
No, then I'd have to change the rating...
Well, I think Sasori and Deidara will come in soon (Oh, Sasori and Deidara...)
And now I have to read "Romeo and Juliet" in order to do this whole play thing...
Ta ta for now.
