I had lost control. Someone almost died. Could still die under my watch. I sat there with Jefferson for an extended amount of time before I finally snapped myself out of it. I forced myself up and Jefferson followed suit, only he was much steadier than I was. He was watching me rather carefully. I didn't really pay him any mind as I drew in a breath to compose myself before I headed toward the door.
"You ok?"
I stopped and spared a glance back.
"Are you sure you're up to it?"
"I have to stay." Was all I said before I continued out.
He didn't say anything more. He followed me out as I yearned for control again. The kind that put me at ease and made everything alright again. The early morning hours, despite the fact that everyone should be home and in bed, were a mess of people and cases that had me running about much like I had been before. However half the time we were sewing up wounds and removing items that shouldn't be in the flesh out. It was all in all a chaotic mess. No one really said a word out of shouting for assistance or telling others where to go. It was in that mess that I snapped. After days of pacing and hours of dreading the worst though most of the cases weren't nearly as bad as the first had been I finally broke. It was when the man that we thought we saved died. Despite my constant checking between patients and everything I did to make sure nothing could possibly go wrong, he flatlined. And no matter what I did I couldn't save him. I couldn't bring him back again. After all of my promises to myself and the unconscious patient, I failed.
After things had started to finally calm it was then I was out the door and into the street. The air was cool and welcoming compared to the hospital where I had felt like I was suffocating. I walked on. I didn't even have a place in mind that I wanted to go to. I just kept walking. The disaster that was the the town made itself known the further I walked. Whatever had been set loose really caused some damage. Big dents had taken place in the street. Buildings and homes had holes in the sides. Glass was in the streets with fallen poles. A car had somehow been impaled on a street sign. I kind of wished I could have seen that. But it was going to be one hell of a job to get that thing off.
I rubbed at my arms like I was cold as I picked up the pace though I wasn't sure why. Several times I had turned around and started walking back only to circle back and keep walking. I glanced around like I was afraid I was being followed. Like something was going to just show up and try to kill me. That was when I started taking turns at random. Four streets then turn left. Two streets then turn left again. Then right. Then another left before taking another few streets. But no matter how many corners I turned. No matter where I went I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. That there was something that was missing. Something I needed to do. Something that needed to be fixed.
No matter how far I walked I couldn't get away from that feeling. I could feel myself growing more and more desperate. Panic was starting to rise within me. I felt like I needed to cry or to shout or something. I started moving faster. I needed to do something, anything to make this feeling go away. Why wouldn't it leave me alone? Why couldn't I be free? Then my thoughts were broken apart with the musical sound of breaking glass. I was drawn to the dancing shards that scattered about the street. Of course the bar was still open at this hour and after what had happened. I watched the group stagger away from the shattered bottle they had no doubt left.
Ever so slowly I started to move. I stopped before the the shards that glimmered like embers in the slowly rising light. I slowly sunk down my knees. Then I carefully picked up a shard, but not careful enough. I dropped in with a quiet 'ow' as it left a crimson mark on my fingertip. The ever familiar pain was all I needed. All my doubts cast aside. I chose the shard before I fled the area with it to return to the ever familiar docks. It was there I pulled the shard from my pocket, panting and gasping I tore my sleeve away, pressed and dragged. The words on my arm momentarily forgotten up until the jagged line halted. I nearly hesitated, but my need to be free and in control overpowered that little urge for perfection.
I carved the letters of a new word into my flesh after a few indulgent slashes and marks. The letters were far from perfect and need. But I hardly cared. The word FAILURE drawn over the other words in far from straight lines as I grew desperate. But no matter how much I slashed the feeling wouldn't go away. The burn wouldn't cover it up. Wouldn't make it stop.
"Victor!"
I spun around at the familiar voice. "Stay away from me!"
Jefferson stopped. I'm sure the sight of the glass and all of the blood was certainly shocking though it shouldn't have. He should be used to it by now.
"Oh, Vic... " He didn't seem to know what to say.
Though silence was strong for a moment he didn't seem keen to let it stay that way.
"I can help you." No not this. "I just need you to do a little for yourself here. Just put the glass down."
I just gripped it tighter. It bit into my hand. Despite that he didn't say anything about it.
"I need you to talk to me now, ok?"
I didn't make a move nor say a word. I wasn't sure exactly how to react. That damn nagging. That damn feeling. Something was wrong. Something needed to be fixed. Something wasn't right. Wasn't how it was supposed to be. Somehow-
"Come on, Victor. Talk to me. Please talk to me. I can help."
"You don't know anything." I drew back though I wasn't sure where I was going to go. I was trapped here.
"And that's why I need you to tell me." He cautiously came closer. Just a little. He had been doing it the entire time. Slowly inching closer.
"Just leave me alone!"
"Victor, I can't do that. You need me."
"I don't need you! I don't need anyone!"
"... Ok fine. Maybe that's true, but I need you."
"You're lying!"
"You're not just hurting yourself."
"Shut up!"
"Please stop hurting my friend."
"Stop it!"
"Please stop hurting yourself."
"Just leave me alone!" My back hit the rope that lined the perr.
I looked back. Trapped. Panic. I was starting to feel lightheaded. Though with it didn't come the relief. The constant nagging stayed. The feeling of dread stayed. It all stayed. Something wasn't right. Something needed to be righted.
"Victor."
My head snapped forward. When had he gotten so close? Then I was staring wide eyed at the dock and the space beyond as I was pulled into him. And just like that everything fell apart. I broke down.
I know it's been awhile, but I totally forgot about this story. It wasn't until I got a review from LadyOfTheUnderground that I recalled that it existed. At which point I had to decide whether or not to put this up. Just one more chapter or two and this is over. Thanks for waiting!
