Chapter 11- Future Struggles
Today was the day Donna started her radiation treatment. It had been 4 weeks since Donna's surgery and all was well. For the first time Donna felt like that she was actually going to get through this without it completely destroying her along the way. So far Harvey had been so supportive with everything and it just made her love him even more if that was possible. Since the surgery Donna had not been able to be intimate with Harvey, she felt self-conscious all the time. Her once beautiful figure had been destroyed and for the first time in her life she was unhappy with her appearance but as soon as Donna's completed radiation she could get reconstructive surgery and get back to normal. She figured then her and Harvey could get back to life and put it all behind them. Now for the next 6 weeks Donna would have to go to the hospital 5 days a week to receive her treatment. It was ruthless but once it was over she would be approaching the end of her struggle.
"So the treatment takes 30 minutes so if you go sit in the coffee shop I should be too long" Donna smiled at Harvey as they entered the hospital for what seemed the one millionth time recently.
"Okay but I'll come with you for the moment" Harvey held onto her hand. Although he was getting used to all these treatments he still liked to be there for her. It comforted him just as much it did her.
"Well if you must" Donna teased pulling on Harvey's hand as she picked up the pace towards the familiar reception desk.
As Donna entered the radiation room the doctors remained in a separate room so they were not exposed to the radiation as well. Harvey had been told he had to wait outside which Donna knew would happen anyway and so she was alone. She had seen this as no big deal up until this point. Actually standing next to the big machine with only one person in the room wearing a vest, it all became very real. She was helped onto the table and told to be very still before the room was cleared. With the machine looming over her and the lights being dimmed ever so slightly she began to panic a little.
"Okay Donna we are going to switch the machine on now" The doctor spoke through the intercom
"Wait" Donna muttered doing her best to stay still.
"It's okay I promise it will not hurt you will barely feel a thing" The doctor tried to assure her
"I know just give me a minute" Donna was trying desperately to pull herself together. She was being ridiculous again; she had nothing to be scared of. She had read all the leaflets and read all the websites and all of them said the same thing. Don't worry radiation is pain free and the majority of side effects are temporary but she had a feeling something bad was going to happen. She took a few deep breaths and finally managed to calm herself down. She was thinking of Harvey. She had to do this for him. "Okay I'm ready" she muttered
"Okay here we go then" The doctor turned on the machine and a few lasers were directed onto Donna's chest. The whole time Donna stared at the ceiling thinking out Harvey and their future together. She imagined them being the power couple of New York with two perfect little children. They would have her feisty personality and red hair and Harvey's signature smirk and confident demeanour. She imagined people would envy what they had and she would be humble about it despite underneath feeling like the smuggest person in the world. Donna didn't quite know when she started to imagine that life for herself but now it was all she could think about. She didn't even know if it would be possible for her to have kids. She hadn't really mentioned it to the doctors because she hadn't really thought about it until now. She had had had some of her eggs harvested before treatment as a precaution but she had always imagined carrying her own child and now that might just not be an option for her. Before she knew it the session was over and her head was actually started to spin with all the thoughts racing through her brain.
The doctor helped her off the table and set up another appointment for the next day. Donna was beginning to think that the worst part of the radiation might be the silence that allowed her brain to overthink, worry and stress. She didn't really think about the consequences of having cancer treatments until she was left alone with her thoughts. However she didn't have time to think about that now, she shook off all the thoughts to go find Harvey and then go back to the firm. The doctors had said radiation shouldn't affect her day to day life too much and that as long as Donna felt fine then she should go on with her normal life.
"Hey" She tapped Harvey lightly on the shoulder since she approached him from behind so he didn't see her coming. It gave her an opportunity to put up a façade. The realization of what her illness meant for the future was sudden and she didn't want Harvey to worry about her; after all these thoughts were so out of the blue.
"Hey" He turned to look her in the eyes "How did it go?" he said standing up and giving her a quick peck on the cheek
"It was fine" Donna lied "Can we go to the firm now I have missed work so much" Donna smiled trying not to let on that anything was wrong.
Harvey's look became quizzical; he couldn't read what she was thinking which worried him a little, but he brushed it off since Donna really seemed to want to leave "Sure" he said taking her hand and heading to the car park where Ray was waiting for them.
Going to the firm was just the distraction Donna had needed. A few people approached saying things like 'it's good to see you' and 'you look well' but she mostly just sat at her desk and worked away. Harvey's calendar was a complete and utter disaster, how did he ever survive without her? Harvey could see something was bothering Donna as she always chewed pens when she was distressed and surely enough there were 5 chewed pens sitting on her desk. He kept a close eye on her but didn't say anything because truthfully he wanted her to go to him and he had so much work to catch up on. When 6:00pm rolled around Harvey decided to call it a day and walked over to Donna's cubicle. She was still typing away on her computer
"You ready to go?" Harvey announced himself as she obviously hadn't registered that he was there
"What… oh yeh" Donna looked confused "What time is it?" she was sure they hadn't even been working that long but sure enough when she looked at the time on her computer it read 6:02pm
"It just past six" Donna was never this absent the last time she was like this was when she told him about her cancer.
"Oh okay" Donna shut down her computer and grabbed her bag "let's go" she smiled again pretending that she was fine, she knew she was doing a bad job at it though.
"Are you okay Donna?" Harvey decided to be more proactive since Donna was obviously not going to talk on her own.
"Yeh I'm good" she dismissed walking to Harvey's side and hooking her hand round his arm.
The car journey home was odd. Normally Harvey and Donna would chat away and laugh about whatever annoying thing Louis had done or Mike latest drama but tonight they sat there in silence. Donna spent the whole time staring out of the window and if it were not for Ray in the front Harvey probably would have questioned her on it. Something happened at the hospital and Harvey was sick of being kept in the dark. As soon as they entered their apartment and sat down on the couch Harvey couldn't ignore it anymore
"Donna what's going on?" Harvey was good at reading people and over the years he had got to know everyone of Donna's tells.
"What nothing, what do you mean" Donna played dumb hoping Harvey would drop it.
"Come on you have been acting strange since the hospital something is bothering you" He just didn't get why Donna was not opening up to him
"Harvey I don't know what you're talking about" she continued her act, ever the actress
"Oh come on Donna something is bothering you" he was not blind and he resented Donna's caginess "Did something happen at the hospital?"
Donna sighed, there was no way Harvey was dropping this "No… yes… no" Technically nothing actually happened she just had a realisation that scared her with kind sounds pathetic
"Donna whatever it is you can tell me" Harvey placed his hand on her cheek and let it slide down her shoulder onto her arm
"It's just I realised something that I just hadn't really thought about" Donna was being ambiguous on purpose. She didn't want to scare Harvey by bringing up their future fictional kids that probably would never exist anyway. Harvey just looked at her willing her to continue which gave Donna no option to expand "It's just being in that machine all by myself gave me time to think and I realised I hadn't thought about life after my treatment has finished. I have been so worried about all the treatment and surgeries that I was having that I forgot to think about my life in the future"
"And…" Harvey decided it was probably just best for him to listen at this point. Regardless he didn't really have anything to say just yet
"My mind started wondering to our lives together after all the treatments have finished and at first it made me happy"
"Yeh" Harvey smiled. He liked that Donna was picturing a life for them to have together
Donna did not replicate Harvey's smile, instead she frowned a little and continued "Promise me not to freak out" She turned to him. She couldn't possibly tell him what she was about to say if there was even the tiniest chance he would freak out and leave her. She relied on him too much at the moment.
"I promise. Donna whatever it is just tell me"
Donna took another deep breath "My mind started wondering to what I wanted my life to look like. I imagined you and me together being the greatest power couple New York has ever seen" Donna smiled along with Harvey as they both pictured their life together "I then imagined two adorable kids who were witty redheads like me but with your confidence and determination. We would be the perfect little family which of course would make everyone else jealous and hate us but we wouldn't care because life together with kids just made us too happy to care"
Harvey very much liked the future Donna ha imagined for them. He didn't think that he would be a good Father but Donna has always made him better and with her by his side he knew he could do it. And he really wanted to do it too. "Sounds perfect" he commented but Donna's smile turned into a frown.
"But what if that life is just not possible for us and it is just an unrealistic fantasy in my head" Donna was breaking Harvey's heart and she knew it. She knew that telling him all of this would just bring him down too but it had been bothering her all day. "Lots of women can't have children after chemotherapy and I'm 100% sure the odds of fertility for a women of 40 are not great. What if I left it too late" A tear slipped down Donna's cheek. She had always wanted kids but first it was I need to get a decent job and career first and then it was I need to get a man who I love to do this with and maybe she had just spent too long waiting that she lost her chance
"Donna, whatever happens, happens but I promise you if that's the life you really want I will find a way to give it to you" Harvey knew that options like adoption and even surrogacy (if Donna was able to still produce eggs) were still available
"I know that's there are other ways to this, it's just I imagined getting pregnant and carrying my child. I always wanted to have the whole experience and it dawned on me I might never get the chance" Donna couldn't fight back the tears anymore and leaned into Harvey in search of comfort. This was the first time she was saying it all out loud and it was just a hard thing to accept.
Donna cried onto Harvey's suits dampening the shoulder with her tears but he didn't care. It broke his heart to see Donna like this. He felt guilty because he had made her wait 12 years to finally be with him. If he had had the balls to acknowledge his feelings right from the start she could already have the life she was imagining and she wouldn't have to worry about having kids because they would already have them. Seeing Donna like this made his heart literally ache in his body. It was the hardest thing to see Donna this upset.
"Donna please don't cry" Harvey's eyes were welling up at the sight "It will be okay" he whispered but Donna just kept crying into Harvey's chest.
They both sat on the couch for a while, Donna leaning on Harvey and Harvey rubbing his hands up and down her arms. Eventually Donna stopped crying and pulled out of Harvey's arms.
"I'm sorry" She realised he had kind of sprung this emotional breakdown on Harvey out of nowhere.
"You don't need to apologise" Harvey eyes were still watery despite no letting a single tear escape
"I know" Donna whispered looking down trying to remain in control of her emotions
"Donna can I ask you something?" Harvey liked the little picture that Donna had painted of their life together and was just wondering if it was something she was thinking about of whether it was more of a spur of the moment thing.
"Sure" She replied much more timidly than she would have liked.
"Did you really picture having kids with me" Harvey didn't see himself as a father figure what was Donna seeing that he was missing?
"Yeh why?" Who else would she picturing having kids with.
"It's just I always thought that I wasn't good enough to raise kids. A Father is meant to be there for his children and give them words of wisdom and I spend all my time working. I just never thought that someone would ever think me worthy of having kids let alone you" Harvey very rarely opened up about his feeling but Donna was so glad every time he did. To get an insight into the brain of Harvey Specter was something rare and it made her feel closer to him every time he did.
"Harvey I have never doubted that you would make a good Dad. Yes you work a lot but it is important for children growing up to know how important it is to work hard in order to be successful. Besides look how much you have been there for me throughout everything I know you would do the same for your children"
"How do you do that?" Harvey looked at Donna in awe.
"What?" She know she was supposed to know everything but she had no idea what Harvey was talking about right now she was not a mind reader
"Always see the best in people?"
"Harvey I don't know how you can't see just how amazing you can be?" In the court room Harvey knew he was the best and most clever person in the room but he had a history of being the complete opposite way when it came to his personal life.
"Oh I know" Harvey joked to lighten the mood. He and Donna had just had a very emotional conversation someone had to lighten the mood before they ended up in a spiral of sadness
"Oh come on, don't go getting a big head now, otherwise I will take it back" Donna smiled appreciating the change in mood.
They soon went to bed in each other's arms waking up to a brand new day. Harvey felt relieved that Donna had shared what was on her mind and Donna felt 100x lighter sharing it with Harvey. For two people who were generally very private people they were both seeing the benefits of sharing yourself with another person. Donna was dreading her next radiation session but now it didn't seem so bad, she could picture her and Harvey's life without feeling sad because she knew that whatever happened Harvey would always give her what she needed and that was enough. Although the thought of not being able to have kids make her sick to her stomach she knew that if the worst were to happen at least she would never be alone.
"Morning" Donna smiled as Harvey stirred opening his eyes to a brand new day
"Good Morning" He replied pulling her into a kiss. Harvey had not been with Donna since her surgery and he was happy to wait for her to be ready but he couldn't help but want her anyway. Every time he kissed her he was reminded of just how amazing she was and he couldn't help but feel a desire build up inside of him.
"I would say so" Donna laughed feeling his desire against her thigh that was intertwined in his legs. She felt bad that she still didn't feel comfortable being intimate yet but she knew Harvey understood and that was just another reason she was so lucky to have him "Come on get up we have to be at the hospital soon" Donna changed the subject and rolled out of the bed, immediately missing the warmth.
Soon they were there again in the hospital as they were both getting sick of seeing the clinical grey walls and pungent smell of hand sanitizer.
"Okay I'm going to be in the coffee shop again for when you come out" Harvey gestured towards the hospital café
"You know Harvey you don't have to come with me every day I can just meet you at the firm"
"No I want to go to and from work together" To be truthful he just didn't like Donna going on her own just in case something went wrong which was paranoid but he couldn't help it
"Well in that case I wouldn't mind a triple caramel whip, half-sweet, skimmed, vanilla cappuccino. Since you don't have anything else to do and all" Donna chuckled as she walked down the corridor towards the cancer ward of the hospital.
This session went a lot better in Donna's opinion. Despite it having the exact same effect medically she felt far less emotionally drained. Her mind still wondered off as she lay on the table perfectly still but this time she thought about just Harvey. About how good it felt to wake up next to him in the morning. How he was able to be the most frustrating person she had ever met as well as the most amazing. Never in a million years could she imagine a Harvey that was as patient and supportive as the man she was with today.
