(Harry's POV)
My new girlfriend Selena if totally amazing. I owe Dougie one for agreeing to go out with Ross.
I will review how awesome she is. First, her name is one of the awesomest things ever. Second, her hair is streaked blue. Yeah, everyone's jealous. Third, she's dating ME. Therefore, we are both amazing.
Dougie is doing well with Ross as well. But they clearly won't last. Not like me and my beautiful Selena. But it's good for Dougie, because he's back to his old self. The sleeping around self.
So I'm literally always right. I was on Tom's couch with Selena when Dougie ran in. "I'm single again!"
She sat up immediately. "Is Ross okay?" What a good friend! That's her fourth awesome point.
"Yeah, he was trying to get a date with the bassist from the Arctic Monkeys," said Dougie, brushing off the friendly worries.
"Isn't he straight?" I wondered.
"Don't be so sure of that."
I shook my head to try and clear myself of this image, which was one of the many horrible ones burned in my brain ever since male celebrities started trying to molest Dougie. "Yeah, so is there a point to bothering us with this?"
"I was wondering if someone would come to this gay club with me tonight."
"I bet Tom would do it," suggested my fabulous girlfriend. Ha! She's good at burning people. Another point.
(Dougie's POV)
Yes! Tom has agreed to go with me tonight. I know none of these guys will even come close to the most amazing man on the planet (Danny), but I can still have fun looking. I wonder if Tom knows what he's getting into… If not, this is going to be the best night ever!
(Tom's POV)
What the fuck have I gotten myself into? Seriously. I'm asexual. What am I doing in a gay club? I'm asexual. I don't date, all of my love is fuel for fictional things I can write about. So how the fuck did I end up agreeing to this?
Dougie, thankfully, was still sitting here beside me, not running off with some shirtless guy. Not that I'd be able to distinguish one shirtless guy from another. They are all clones. Each of them looks EXACTLY the same.
Suddenly, some dude who was actually wearing a shirt appeared. And he started chatting Doug up and they ran off, so I waited for two songs and then texted him, telling him I was going because Fletch needed me, and then I ran off.
On my way out, I ran into this guy who was looking really into this other guy. I felt like I had to talk to him, so I sat down.
"Hi! I'm Justin!" he exclaimed, sounding American.
"Tom. Why don't you talk to 'im?"
He giggled, emitting gay vibes. Because I am asexual, I notice these sorts of things. "Oh, I can't."
"Why not?"
"Well, I'm not gay. I'm 100 straight. Not at all in the closet, either. Not one bit." That's just rubbish. I have never in my life heard something more ridiculous.
"So why are you in a gay club?"
"I wanna get with a gay guy. But not because I am gay."
""Riiiight. I'm going to go now." And then I ran away.
(Danny's POV)
Tom got home, but Dougie wasn't with him. Why wasn't Dougie with him? That's so odd. Did I just say odd? What's wrong with me?
"Tom," Harry called from the couch where he and his girlfriend STILL were, "Where's Pugsley?"
Tom thought for a moment. "He ran off with some guy so I left."
"What?" I snapped. "You let him run off with some guy in a gay club!"
"What's the problem?"
I thought for a moment. What's the problem with that? There is a problem with that. I know there is! I just know it. Umm…think…think…
"What if he takes E and the guy takes E and he can't get home and he gets hurt? Or, worse, he takes E and the guy takes E and they can't get home AND the media find out and he gets hurt?"
"Shit. Good point. Danny, go get him!" Tom ordered.
"Why do I have to?"
"I'm tired."
"Harry?"
"Nope. Can't leave the couch. Going for a world record."
"Fine!" I pouted, storming off. TO THE GAY CLUB!!
(Random Guy w/ Shirt)
OOH! IS THAT E! LET'S TAKE SOME!!
Wait…oh!! I love this song. I'll take some after this song. First I wanna dance with this guy. Whatever his name is.
(Danny's POV)
No, why is Dougie dancing with that man-whore? That's bad! So I yelled, "Look, free tequila!" That sent him running. Ha! I'm brilliant! Fuck, Dougie looks mad enough to shit himself. We'd better get going.
(Tom's POV)
Asexuality is really helpful when I needed to learn how to cook. Shit, I need to steal Harry's oven. This one isn't big enough for my wonderful turkey! I ran outside, but then I heard, "Oi! You with the turkey baster!" Oh, is that me? Yes, I ran outside with a turkey baster. Crap.
"Yes, officer?"
"Why the fuck do you have a turkey baster?"
I was very obviously making a turkey. But I guess he needed me to explain. "I was-"
"Stop, I know what your were doing. You we doing DRUGS with that turkey baster!"
"No… I was running to my friend's house to ask if I could use his oven, and I absent-mindedly left the turkey baster in my hand."
"That is more sensible," said another policeman.
"Why do they give us briefings on it if it never happens?" complained the first.
I left them arguing and set Harry's oven to the appropriate temperature before getting my AMAZINGLY AWESOME turkey.
(Dougie's POV)
The sound of arguing policemen roused me from my looking at pictures at funny cats, and then I saw a hot guy sitting on the street! Dougie, XXX, Poynter, make a move!
"Are you lost?" I asked.
"I was here visiting me gran, but she thought I was the cable man and kicked me out before dinner," he said. Hot! I want him.
"You can have dinner with us." I looked down. Shy thing always works. WHOA, that is a big dick. It could poke out someone's eye. I seriously hope he's gay.
"Thanks. By the way, I'm Rob."
"Nice to meet you. Dougie."
(Harry's POV)
Stupid Tom is now in my oven. I never use it, but… I can't think of a reason to not want him there. No! It's MINE! Like Selena is MY most amazing girlfriend in the world. Great, and Dougie's got a dinner guest. And Danny will be here because he fails at cooking. My house will be full of unwanted attention.
(Rob's POV)
Yay! Nice people! Good thing this guy's hot, or I wouldn't have really considered. Wait a second, I'm being snogged. Oh, it's by my new Dougie! Yes! I finally picked up a gay guy!
(Danny's POV)
So I'm walking to Harry's house because my brilliant Bolton nose has detected the smell of food, and I see Dougie snogging some guy. No! He'd tell me if he had a boyfriend! This guy's too skinny for my Dougie. He's been flinging a lot lately. It'll be over soon.
(Dougie's POV)
So, after a few weeks, the making out was getting boring, so I asked Rob if he was bored, and he was like "Frankly, yeah." And so we stopped and decided to be friends. But it was ok because I totally did him before that happened. And, let me tell you, I knew he would be big when I saw him, but he was BIG.
After that I went over to Tom's because…I dunno. I just did. It seemed like a smart thing to do. I rarely do smart things, but I thought today would be an exception.
When I got there, Danny was throwing things in Tom's front yard. And he was wearing no shirt. Damn, I forgot how sexy he was. And he was especially fit since he'd been working out extra.
"Y'all right, mate?" I asked.
"What?" Danny asked, confused.
"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?" I repeated, slowly, so his feeble mind could comprehend it.
"Oh, yeah I just realized." That's all he said. He didn't finish the thought. It was just, "I just realized."
"What?" I prompted, since he wasn't going to tell me. I mean, he is a bit dumb. But sexy, so it's ok. God, I sound horny.
"What?"
"I wanted…oh, nevermind." I went into Tom's house, giving up on the stupid sex god that he is.
(Danny's POV)
So I just realized that I'm gay. How weird is that? I mean, whoa! I'm gay? Check that out. It's weird to say, I gotta be honest. "I'm gay." Feels weird, that does.
So, I was in my flat, feeling weird and realizing I was gay, when these birds (the animal kind) started flying into Dougie's window, which was closed, randomly. It weirded me out, so I went to Tom's yard to throw things. I figured that I had to figure out who I wanted to do if I was going to be gay. And the easiest way to do this was throw things until the answer magically came to me. Don't ask how that works. It just does.
So I was throwing things and listing people. That guy Dougie was doing? No. That guy who wanted to cheat on Dougie with the guy from the Arctic Monkeys? No. Harry? NOO! I was so close. There was something all these people had in common, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I mean, they had all kissed Dougie. Dougie? Wait…I WANNA DO DOUGIE! I GOT IT!
But I've already done that. So maybe I want to screw him a lot and spend all my other time with him and go out to cinema and dinner with him. What's that called? Dating? I wanna date Dougie? I WANNA DATE DOUGIE! I GOT IT!
So Dougie walked over, and I was about to tell him and then I didn't, and then he went away. Weird stuff. I'll tell him later.
(Birds' POV)
We finally got the big-haired one to like the tiny one with the lizards. While trying to get into the room where the little one does strange things naked, but there was a weird forcefield in the way. Weird. And the big-haired one was there, and then he wasn't. Oh well.
