Trigger Warnings: More graphic discussion of abortion, mention of self harm, and panic attacks.
"Get up." The growl sounds distant to me, and I wrinkle my nose against an unpleasant smell. I ignore the command. "Get up!" It's more insistent now, and it sounds closer. "Damn it Peeta! Get up!" I open my eyes. I'm still in the chair next to Katniss. My knees pressed into my chest. She's still in bed, still muttering, and I screw up my face, trying to block out the sound. Haymitch is standing over me, and I notice Dr. Birk adjusting an IV drip on the other side of the bed. Dr. Aurelius is standing in the doorway. I don't ask what happened. I remember.
"I just need your signature on these transfer documents. The practicing physician is Dr. Rincher. He'll be in to see you in an hour or so with the OBGYN, Dr. Ninda. After the ultrasound, Rincher is planning to administer a sedative." I nod slowly. As I sign the papers my hands shake. I clasp Dr. Birk's hand and thank him for the help. He nods and claps me on the shoulder, before leaving to catch his train back to District 12.
"Peeta," begins Aurelius. "I'd like to talk to you." I nod, dejectedly and get up.
Haymitch takes my seat and gives Katniss' hand a little squeeze as I leave the room.
"Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real. Not real," she mutters more intensely now in response to the noise. I close the door and feel my muscles relax a little, now that her whispers have been cut off. Dr. Aurelius turns to me.
"She had a fit after we knocked you out. She went on screaming about how she couldn't do any of it. That the whole thing was a mistake. She….she begged us to cut it out." This last sentence leaves his lips reluctantly. I feel as if I'm going to collapse. I've been so selfish. Letting her stay pregnant was a terrible mistake. I'm shaking my head.
"Is it too late to end this?"
"Yes," says Aurelius dully. "You made this decision Peeta. The only thing we can do now is let the pregnancy flow through it's natural course." I could cut it out of her myself. I could do it, but the second I think of taking a knife to Katniss I feel the tracker-jacker venom begin to pound. I can't do it. If I were to even cut her a little bit, my hijacked brain would take over. I would kill her. There is no escape. I've trapped us in this terrible situation. My body begins to shake as I lean against the wall outside of Katniss' room. I slide down it, till I'm on the floor. I can't breath.
"Peeta, I need you to pull yourself together," he says urgently. "I know normally I don't advice patients to push their feelings aside, but after your last attack Katniss became so hysterical I didn't know if she'd survive. I've never seen a patient scream like that in all my years practicing. If you fall apart now, she'll miscarry for sure." I take deep breaths as he speaks, trying to get my limbs under control. They're shaking violently, and I'm starting to hyperventilate.
"Would you like me to get you medication?" The question throws me. I haven't taken medication in years. Not since we were in District 13, and then it was only to get me to sit still and calm long enough to make it through a therapy session or to watch old footage of Katniss and myself. It made my mind feel foggy. I shake my head, and continue running through the breathing exercises he taught me.
"Where…where do we go from here?" I ask, feeling better, but not daring to move from the floor.
"We wait for the OBGYN to see if the baby is alright. In the mean time I need to start Katniss on antidepressants. We'll keep her restrained until such a time that I am confident she won't hurt herself. She'll need to meet with me multiple times a day. I'll draw up a schedule for her. It's important she have and maintain a routine. If she's feeling up for it, down the line you can take her on walks around the premises. There's a pool to swim in, and a library. Annie will be here in a few weeks for a check up. I've requested she leave her son in District 4 though. I'm worried seeing him could trigger Katniss. "
"And if the baby is not alright?" I ask shakily.
"We do those things either way. If the baby isn't alright we'll do a physical exam to see if she can maintain future pregnancies, and I'll give her a different kind of antidepressant and something for the anxiety as well. We also might look into sedatives for the nights. If the baby is alright, I won't be able to give her as much medication. She'll need to see a nutritionist as well, and you'll talk to Effie Trinket about maternity clothes." I nod slowly, feeling numb, not sure which option would be better at this point.
"I also think it's necessary for me to start seeing you again on a regular basis." Our sessions have been decreasing in frequency these last few years. While I used to talk to him daily we now speak maybe once every three to two weeks. My flashbacks have been decreasing.
"You're worried I'll be getting more attacks?"
"Partially. You are more likely to have them when you are in stressful situations, but I'm also concerned with how you're coping emotionally. Seeing someone you love pregnant and in this much pain would be disturbing for anyone." I nod. "So, I'd like to start Katniss medication now, and we can begin the therapy sessions for both of you after Dr. Ninda's examination." I nod again, and he extends a hand. I take it and brace myself as I get back on my feet. We walk back into Katniss' room. Her voice has dropped again and she's muttering. Haymitch is still holding her hand and stroking her hair. He doesn't hear us come in, so I catch some of his whispers to her.
"That's right sweetheart, it wasn't real. He didn't mean any of it. It wasn't real," he comforts her softly. Aureluis comes up behind him and pats him on the shoulder. His whispers stop, and he turns to see the therapist behind him and me, standing in the doorway. "If you want her to talk or at least stop muttering, I think she'll need a moment with the boy," he grumbles.
"I was thinking the same thing," Aurelius agreed. "Haymitch why don't you wait outside. I need to run for a prescription anyway. Peeta, you stay here and say whatever comes to mind," he tells me kindly. I move into the room, and they both brush past me. The door closes softly, and I'm left alone with my muttering wife. I slowly make my way back to the chair beside her bed, but find myself feeling sick at the thought of sitting down in it again. Instead I perch myself awkwardly on the side of her bed and take her hand.
"Katniss," I begin softly. She draws in a breath, pausing the relentless muttering. "Katniss," I say again. Her lips are still moving but no sound is coming out. "Katniss," I say a third time, giving her hand a squeeze. Her eyes open. It takes them a moment to focus. She stares at me, drinking in the sight of me and my bandages, and then she begins to sob hysterically. I bend down and put my face right next to hers, cupping it with my hands.
"It's okay," I whisper. "It's okay. It wasn't real. It was an attack. I'm so sorry, Katniss, but it's over now. It's over. It wasn't real. It wasn't me. It was Capitol Peeta, and remember what we always say. He's not real. What he says is not real." I wipe away the tears on her face as I stare into her eyes. We never break eye contact and I tell her again and again, "Not real." However my mantra is not desperate and breathy like hers. It's grounded firm and confident. Finally her breathing slows and her tears stop.
"We can't…We can't do this," she whispers to me. "We're not ready for this." I bite my lip.
"There's no way out Katniss. We can't terminate the pregnancy without hurting you, possibly beyond repair, and the doctors won't do it." She's shaking her head at my words.
"But…But…But…we can't do this. I'm…I can't…I can't stop trying to hurt myself, and you…with the attacks. We can't be parents. We can't protect a baby. We can't even protect…I couldn't even protect…. and she was fourteen…she wasn't helpless." She's cut off as tears overcome her once more. I wipe them away and kiss her forehead.
"That was the war Katniss. It's different now. We just need to learn and to be supported. That's why we're here. We're here to get the help we need. To learn how to take care of a baby and ourselves. To get our process of healing back on track. We'll get ready. We have help," I tell her firmly as I kiss her forehead again, "Because Katniss, it's too late. We have to do this."
"We could end it ourselves," she suggests desperately. I shake my head.
"Do you remember last year, when you cut yourself while skinning that rabbit?' Her knife had slipped and she wound up accidentally slicing a two inch long cut down her thigh. She'd been fine, but when she went into the house to get me, seeing her covered in blood triggered a flashback. I'd wound up lunging for her throat. She'd only just managed to get out of the house and run to get Haymitch, covered in blood. "If we did it ourselves, the trauma of you losing the baby and the blood….I'd wind up killing you Katniss."
"What if…I…did…it…without…you," she stutters. Panic over powers me and I grip her shoulder tightly.
"Don't!" I say firmly. Her eyes widen at my reaction. "Don't you dare! Not…You…Just don't!" I haven't spoken to her like this since our first games when she wanted to go to the feast to get my medicine. "I won't allow you to hurt yourself Katniss! Just seeing you with the scratches is…" a sob escapes my chest, and I clutch her even harder. "If you caused enough harm to yourself to cause a miscarriage…Please Katniss! You've been through too much trauma already. We both have." She's shaking. I don't loosen my grip on her shoulder.
"I know it's selfish," I tell her. "But I can't see you go through that. I won't make it Katniss. I won't." She bites her lower lip, nodding to convey she understands. "I love you so much, and if I could take this all back I would," I whisper to her.
"Don't say that please," she groans. I look at her. "If we're going to do this, I need to know you want this. I need to know that you'll be happy when it comes, because if you're happy…I'd do anything for you. You know that right?" I smile at her and nod. She's asking me to be happy, so she can draw strength from knowing that I'm getting what I always wanted, a child. She wants to be able to tell herself that she's doing this for me. She needs a purpose for everything.
"If you haven't miscarried already," I whisper. "I'll be happy." She shakes her head.
"I haven't," she responds. "I know I haven't. We're both…fine." As if on cue the door opens and Dr. Aurelius returns followed by a man and a woman who can only be Rincher and Ninda. They're working together to push in the machine used for ultrasounds and I step aside. The man introduces himself and his colleague but I'm not paying attention. I watch the woman work and wait for the screen to come to life. It clicks on, and the image comes into focus as Ninda moves the wand over the top of Katniss' stomach.
"There it is," she simpers. Pointing to the screen. I lean in, looking at our baby, for the first time. "That outline there," she says, tracing her fingers across the screen her eyes watching me closely, "and that's the head." My smile is automatic. It doesn't look like a head, just a large peanut with extra lines. "Do we want to know the gender?" she asks. I jump and look back at Katniss. Her hands are still in restraints gripping the bed sheets. I try to give her a reassuring smile.
"Yes," I say softly, and I don't drop my eye contact with Katniss as Ninda speaks.
"It's a girl!"
AN: Hi all! I'm hoping to get more reviews this time, because I haven't been seeing that many with the last few chapters. Hopefully my updates are going to be more regular going forward, probably about once a week. It would be helpful for me though to know what everyone is thinking. Also some of the upcoming chapters are by far my favorite, and if anyone is feeling like things are just so dramatic, don't worry I have some comic relief coming at you very soon!
