I See You
Chapter 11
Liv watched her friend and colleague sleep after the panic attack she just had. Somehow she had managed to get her changed and into bed. Looking at her now, in such a peaceful state, she couldn't help but to think how beautiful the blonde really was. Her hair fanned out on the pillow, her pale but clear complexion, her slender but muscular frame and her amazingly swollen belly that held a new life inside of it. Lovingly she brushed her knuckles across a pale cheek and smiled when Amanda unconsciously leaned into the touch.
The couch was way too small to sleep on so she figured she would stay awake all night, watching over her friend, or sleep sitting up. Around two in the morning Olivia could no longer sit up and her eyes were extremely heavy. Shedding her shoes and blazer she carefully laid down next to the sleeping woman. It was nice to see this side of Amanda even though it was heartbreaking that it had to come to this. Olivia felt honoured to see this extremely private side of her employee and friend and she found herself cherishing it and silently thanking her for letting her in this far. Laying on her side facing Amanda she fell asleep.
Amanda groaned and shifted in her sleep. Her bladder was full and having an almost full grown baby pressing up against it didn't help one bit. Waking up full she became aware of a presence to her left. Glancing over her shoulder she was stunned to see her boss sprawled out and in deep sleep. She had stayed. She had stayed in her apartment, she had stayed in her bed and she had stayed like she promised she would. It amazed her how beautiful her boss was. The dark complexion, deep brown caring eyes, curvaceous body that protruded in all the right places and the soft dark brown hair that rested just below her shoulders. She could've laid there for hours and just stare at the beauty next to her but the need of reliving hetself was stronger at the moment.
When she got back to the bed she sat down carefully, not wanting to wake the brunette up. But shifting in a soft bed and not wanting to wake anybody up is easier said than done. Olivia felt the bed dip and was immediately on full alert. "You okay, Manda?" she didn't realise she used Amanda's nickname that Fin usually called her.
Laying down as far to the edge she could, to create the biggest space possible between the two women, Amanda swallowed and nodded shakily. God, this is awkward! She thought. "Yeah, I'm good." her response was quick. "Just the baby literally kicking my bladder." she rolled her eyes in the dim light, trying to lighten the mood and the awkwardness. Just then the baby kicked again. "Ow, take a break." she spoke to her belly, sighing in frustration.
Liv chuckled slightly and without asking for permission or give some kind of warning sign she placed her hand over the protruding stomach and gently stroked it with her thumb. "Stop now, little one. Your mommy needs her sleep." it was a very intimate thing to do but it felt natural to Olivia so she kept her hand in place and fell asleep a few seconds later.
Amanda layed wide awake not knowing what to do. Should she remove the hand? Would she wake up if she did? Was this normal behaviour between boss and employee? What was happening? While these thoughts were running rampant in her mind, she eventually fell asleep, Liv's hand still resting comfortingly on her belly.
Amanda woke with a sudden urge to use the bathroom. Getting up she noticed that the left side of her bed was empty. Liv must have left early. She pondered as she took care of business. Hearing noises coming from the kitchen put her slightly on edge. Quietly she grabbed her gun from her bed side locker and released the hammer, ready for action. The gun ready in hand she rounded the corner and was faced with Liv pouring herself a cup of coffee. "Jesus, sarge!" Amanda sighed in relief and secured her weapon.
Liv grinned and slowly raised her hands. "Don't shoot. I might not be the best cook but there's no need to kill me over it. Have a seat." the brunette went about to make her friend a cup of tea. "Did you sleep okay?"
Amanda was still standing in the same spot, looking confused and bewildered. What was Liv still doing here? Why was she acting like everything was normal? Turning her eyes towards the cooker she spotted scrambled eggs and bacon. Liv must have gone to the grocery store. What time is it anyway? 9.13 am! Wow, I slept that long? "You're gonna be late for work." Amanda simply stated ignoring Liv's request to sit down.
Olivia shrugged. "Oh, I took the day off. Thought I'd just relax and have a calm and peaceful day. Fin is covering for me." she plated up their breakfast and mentioned for the blonde to sit, once again, and eat.
Amanda finally sat down. "Why are you doing this? I mean, you should be at work, not making me breakfast. I'm capable of making my own, thank you very much." she knew she sounded rude and snappy but this was all new to her. No one has ever made her breakfast before, not even as a child.
Before sitting down, Liv placed two plates on the table and got knifes and forks from the top drawer. "I know you are capable of doing it. I just thought it would be nice if someone else did it for you and, besides, I'm the boss so if I want a day off, I take a day off." she winked playfully and dug into her food.
Even though Liv was acting wierdly normal, the blonde couldn't fight the uncomfortable feeling over what had happened last night. Nothing was normal. Everything was in fact but normal. She felt a blush cover her face and she kicked herself mentally for acting like some love struck teenager on her first date. She pushed around the food on her plate as she felt her face burn.
"You know, it tastes better if you put it in your mouth and chew it." she sipped her coffee and nodded towards Amanda's full plate.
She put the fork down, slightly angry. "You shouldn't have done this, sarge. You need to be at work and not babysit me. I am fine. I'm sorry about last night, I don't know what came over me but it won't happen again. I appreciate everyhing you've done for me but you should leave. There are people, victims, out there who needs you. Go and help them."
Liv watched Amanda disappear into the bedroom and closed the door with a slam. Sighing she got back to her food and ate in silence. When she was done she placed Amanda's plate into the microwave and cleaned down after herself. She made a fresh cup of tea and headed for the closed bedroom door. "Amanda?" she knocked and called out softly. "Can I come in?" no answer. "I'm coming in, okay?" when she still got no reply she entered the dim lit room and saw Amanda sitting at the edge of the bed, her back towards her. "Amanda?" Liv called out again and walked around to face her. She placed the steaming cup on the nightstand and sat down next to the beautiful blonde.
"You need to talk to me Amanda. You need to let me know what's going on inside your head so I can help you. Please, let me in." she begged, wishing for the best.
Amanda got up quickly. "I don't need to tell you anything. Im fine. What happened last night shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry it did. Let's just forget about it and move on." She began pacing the room, almost making herself dizzy from it.
The brunette suddenly stood up straight, eyes turning slightly dark. "You listen to me, Amanda Rollins." she snapped and instantly caught the younger woman's attention. "What happened, happened. There's nothing we can do to change the past but we can focus on the future. As horrid this may sound, I'm glad that what happened last night did happen. You can't live day in and day out in immense pain and guilt. It will eventually catch up to you or eat you alive. I know you're scared, and that totally understandable, but we are not going to turn our backs on you Amanda. We are family and we stick together."
The last words stung the blonde's heart. Family? She thought. She had a family, or at least she thought she did until they betrayed her so selfishly, turned around and left. Goodbye, farewell, have a nice life. A family was something she never really had. Well, technically she did, blood family, but they were never there, they never supported her choices, her decisions or her dreams. They had basically laughed in her face when she told them she wanted to become a police officer as a child. Told her to get real, find a man, have kids, stay at home and get lazy and fat. No, that's not what she wanted out of life. Ironically here she was, a pregnant police officer. At least she had done one thing right.
Olivia walked up to her, pushing through Amanda's personal space and grabbed her hands. "I know that this is a huge change in your life but you don't have to go through it alone so why choose to? You've got to stop pushing everybody away, Amanda. Life is something you shouldn't go through alone. I'm here, the squad is here for you and you have many people that care and love you for who you are."
The blonde snorted. "Love me? My family is suppose to love me, or, I believe, was is the right term at this stage."
Holding on tightly to Amanda's slightly trembling hands, she ducked her head to make eye contact. "We all love you, Amanda. I love you and this baby will love you. Blood and genes doesn't make a family. Love, care and respect does and I'm so sorry you didn't have that growing up but you have it now." brown eyes watched Amanda flinch when she mentioned her childhood. "I do know some things about your past, Amanda. As your sargeant I'm expected to do background checks on my staff. I know you had an unfortunate childhood. I don't know any details because that's up to you to share or not but I know for a fact that this little girl will be lucky to have you in her life."
Amanda's eyes fluttered shut for a second before opening them again. "You love me?" she whispered but immediately regretted it as it sounded stupid and pathetic in her ears.
Smiling Olivia brushed blonde hair behind a small ear, feeling the softness of her skin. "Yes, I do." she whispered back, taking a step closer and looking intensely into blue orbs. "A lot of people do. I just wish you could see that."
Silence filled the room. Two women, standing in a dim lit bedroom, the bed unmade and messy, the sun peeking through a semi dirty cloud and the air was filled with sleep and warm mingled breaths. A moment of connection between the two. A minute of hope and a fragment of belief entered the blonde's core and filled her with a sense of calm that she couldn't comprehend. It only lasted for that one single minute but that was all it took for the blonde to see that Oivia was telling the truth. Their lips, faces and bodies were so close to one another. Amanda swallowed thickly, letting her eyes travel to the plump lips of the brunette.
Olivia was lost in the moment. In the dull light she could still see Amanda clearly and in that moment she had never looked more beautiful, Liv thought. Still holding onto the blonde's hands she pulled her slightly closer and let her own eyes travel down to the pink lips that were now slightly parted. She could feel Amanda's breath on her face and it made her stomach flutter with a sense of longing and need she hadn't felt in a long time. Seconds later they were locked in a soft but solid kiss.
Lips parted, inviting tongues to enter for their first touch and as they did, a moan passed Amanda's throat which caused Liv to pull her in fully against her body. Lost in the kiss they forgot about what was appropriate and what was not. It was a kiss that spoke of need, loneliness and care for them both. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she had shared a kiss with anybody, man or woman, and Amanda hadn't had her lips on anybody elses since she got pregnant.
Amanda was the first one to pull away, afraid of what she had just done. "I... I'm sorry, I... I shouldn't have..."
Liv shushed her. "You didn't do anything Amanda. I kissed you and no matter how strange and confusing it might be for you, I don't regret it." she cupped the blonde's face between her hands and stroked pale cheeks with the pads of her thumbs.
Amanda inhaled sharply and then let the air out shakily. "I... I don't know what to... I mean, I... I..." she stuttered but calmed as Liv kissed her forehead gently. She gazed into Liv's brown eyes. "What now?"
The brunette smiled and brought the shorter woman into her arms in a warm hug. "Now, we have some figuring out to do, I suppose. What do you want to happen? What do you feel? What do you want?"
Amanda swallowed nervously and couldn't fight the tremor tat washed over her. Olivia pulled her closer and rubbed her back soothingly. "I... I don't know. I... I've been trapped in my own head for a while I haven't even thought about... you know." she pulled away again and shakily sat down on the bed. Liv joined her a second later. "I like you. I mean you were my hero and role model before I even started working for you here in New York." she blushed slightly as she revealed her heroine crush on the brunette. "I followed your cases and your tactics. I was thrilled when I was transfered here and I haven't regretted one second of it. This," she waved her hand in the air between them, "is... um, confusing." she chuckled.
Liv took her hand to still it. "What do you mean confusing? Was that your first kiss with a woman?"
Amanda hated how perfectly gentle and understanding Liv was being towards her but at the same time she found herself strangely calm and at peace after their kiss. "No, I've... I've had my share." blushing again she sighed and shook her head. "I just... I don't see what you see in me, I guess."
Liv leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, ducking her head to catch Amanda's blue eyes. "Well, if you give me, us, some time then maybe you can see it too."
