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Emily took her time getting back to the house, not exactly sure how to apply JJ's advice. Should she just ask him casually? Should she treat it like an actual first date?
She sighed; a five year marriage shouldn't be so difficult. She missed Hotch more than she knew was possible, even though he was home and safe. Emily couldn't make sense of it, and it frustrated her more than she could explain.
Glancing back in the rearview, she noticed Layla was sleeping soundly. She drove slowly around the block once, twice, three times. She wasn't exactly sure why she was so nervous, but she knew she was so tired of the tension.
Finally, Emily pulled into the driveway and parked the car. Carefully, she picked Layla up and took her inside. Hotch wasn't in the living room so she just took Layla upstairs and put her in her crib. She lingered awhile, watching the young girl sleep. Emily knew she couldn't hide out forever, so she wandered down the stairs, sure to bring the baby monitor with her in case Layla woke up. She still had time before heading out to pick up Declan and Jack, so she decided to be productive and tackle the heap of laundry that had accumulated over the past few days.
She was folding some clothes when she felt a presence behind her. She turned, facing Hotch. She wished he hadn't followed her down to the laundry room, and she hated she felt that way.
"Hi," she said softly, breaking the awkward silence.
"Hi," Hotch returned the greeting half-heartedly. "Did you have fun?" Hotch asked, leaning against the door frame.
"It was nice." Emily said quickly. She remembered JJ's advice, but she didn't know how to apply it. They needed alone time, JJ was right about that. But what if Hotch didn't want to? What if he didn't want to make the effort to try and regain his memory? Emily didn't want to think about that, she'd never be able to handle it.
"Good," Hotch replied quickly. "So um, I've been thinking-"
"Will you go out with me?" Emily blurted, cursing herself for being so blunt and interrupting Hotch's thought.
"What?" Hotch questioned, clearly taken aback by Emily's forwardness.
"I mean- would you maybe want to go to dinner with me? Without the kids? Maybe- maybe that'll help you remember…" Emily stumbled over her words, trying not to pick at her nails; they were finally starting to grow out again.
"Really?" Hotch asked, still a bit confused. "I thought you were about ready to kick me out or something."
"No, not at all. I'm sorry about how I've been acting. I know you haven't been home that long, so if you wanted to wait a few more days to get your strength back up that's fine, or even you even want to go at all. I don't know… just an idea." Emily rambled, feeling her face get warmer every breath.
"Okay… that sounds nice." Hotch agreed, looking a bit unsure.
"We could do it this weekend, maybe?" Emily offered, getting only a nod from Hotch.
Four days later, Emily and Hotch were getting ready for their date, though Emily felt weird calling it that. Declan had graciously offered to spend his Saturday night watching Jack and Layla, so there was nothing holding them back from their night out.
However, the past four days had been anything but easier; in fact Emily could swear they'd been harder. The tension between Hotch and Emily hadn't worn off at all, and Emily couldn't seem to figure out why. Maybe she was still angry at him, maybe she was just too caught up in her own feelings, or maybe it had something to do with the fact she couldn't recall the last time she'd had a good night's sleep.
On top of that, it seemed all three of their children were picking up on their parents' attitudes towards one another. Declan had spent the past few days at a friend's house after school, then coming home and going straight up to his room. Any progress he'd made trying to adjust to the major change had regressed in what seemed like a minute. Declan wouldn't talk much to Emily, and not at all to Hotch. Emily was at a loss of how to handle the sullen teen that was normally the most outgoing of them all.
Jack seemed conflicted, as if he wasn't sure what parent he was supposed to side with. When Emily would catch Hotch and Jack reading together on the couch, or out in the yard, Jack would suddenly stop the activity and leave the room. Emily hated that Jack felt that way; she wanted him to spend as much time with Hotch as possible. The last thing she wanted was for any of the three of them to feel like they couldn't spend time with Hotch.
Even Layla had started to react to the tension. She was much fussier than Emily could remember her ever being. Temper tantrums were becoming more and more common in the Hotchner household. Emily tried to chalk it up to Layla simply being a two year old, but Emily knew deep down her and Hotch's actions were affecting her. Emily and Hotch tried to remain civil to one another around the kids, but just the smallest thing would set one or the other of them off and start another fight. Emily still slept on the couch most nights if she even slept at all.
Needless to say, neither Emily nor Hotch were particularly thrilled to be spending an evening alone together. Neither one of them had called the date off, though, so Emily tried to take that as a good sign. Maybe for the first time in months things would start looking up.
Finally, Emily felt ready enough to venture downstairs as she straightened the red top she was wearing over her dark jeans. She spent the majority of her day debating on what to wear. Should she dress up? Should she keep it casual? She'd finally decided on simple attire, with black boots and her hair pulled back in a low pony tail. She'd almost let out an audible sigh of relief when she'd spotted Hotch going downstairs nearly an hour prior dressed in jeans and a simple polo shirt.
As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she smiled when she saw Declan, Jack, and Layla seated on the couch to see their parents off for the evening.
Hotch was there also, seated in the recliner across from the couch. He seemed irritated, but Emily tried to ignore it.
"Well, I guess we're ready." Emily forced a smile as she told the kids goodbye. "Declan, if anything happens-"
"I know where all the numbers are and who to call and where you'll be if you don't answer your phones. I got this." Declan laughed with a wave of his hand.
"Just making sure." Emily smiled softly as she and Hotch left for their evening alone. Hotch still hadn't been cleared to drive, so Emily got in the driver's seat while Hotch sat in the passenger's side.
Emily had thought about taking him to the restaurant where they'd shared their first real date a few years ago, hoping that it would spark a memory. She talked herself out of it, though, mostly due to fear. Fear that he wouldn't remember and Emily would be filled with nothing but memories. She feared that maybe he would remember, but that it wouldn't be the same.
The car ride to the restaurant they'd agreed on was mostly silent, save for the bit of small talk between them. Neither of them really knew how to broach any of the topics they'd been avoiding.
Finally, they'd arrived and were seated at a table together.
"We really need to figure all this out." Emily said bluntly.
"What should we do?" Hotch asked.
"I don't know..." Emily admitted. "This is something neither one of us have any experience in."
There was a silence, then Hotch bit his lip and spoke again. "Maybe we should take a break..." He suggested.
"A break?" Emily questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah. I could get an apartment or something until we figure out what to do." Hotch spoke quietly, clearly worried about suggesting it.
Emily could swear the whole restaurant could hear her heart pounding. On one hand, she could see where he was coming from. Maybe taking a break would be best while they cleared their heads. Hotch hardly had time to wrap his brain around what had happened to him before he was thrown into a life he didn't remember. But, Emily saw the other side. How would that help him remember? What about the kids? They'd been through so much already. Emily took a breath before she responded.
"Do you really think that's best?" Emily managed.
"I don't know, but we can't keep going around like this." Hotch said rationally.
"I know, you're right." Emily agreed to that, nothing was ever going to get better if something didn't change. "It's just... What about the kids?" Emily asked.
"We can come up with a schedule so we can both see them." Hotch answered, as if he'd already thought everything through.
"But- is that gonna be good for them? Switching between houses for God knows how long?" Emily wondered out loud.
"Do you have any other ideas?" Hotch asked, not to be mean, but to honestly hear her out.
"Not unless you and I took turns living at the house, but that would be just as stressful for them, I think. I just wish they didn't have to suffer anymore..." Emily said honestly.
"I'm sorry I've put you all through this, but I really think this will be best in the long run." Hotch replied sympathetically.
"I hope you're right," Emily breathed. "You um- you don't want to get a divorce, right?" Emily asked him, trying not to let her voice crack.
"Do you?" Hotch asked.
"No," Emily answered quickly. "No, I don't. I just wanted to be sure we were on the same page... So when we get home, we should come up with a schedule for who gets the kids when. When we talk to them, should we just say we're just separating for a while?" Emily asked.
"That sounds good." Hotch agreed. Emily nodded.
"I'm sorry; I know dates are supposed to be a bit happier than this..." Hotch said after a few minutes of quiet.
"Yeah, I guess. It's okay." Emily replied, wishing she had been more honest with him, wishing she had begged him not to go, wishing she at least put forth an effort to help him remember. But she hadn't, and she couldn't really go back now. She sighed, trying not to let her emotions show. She mentally kicked herself; she should pour her heart out to him. She should tell him how much she truly loves him, she should run back home with him and start showing him photos, sharing memories, whatever it took to try revive his memory. But she didn't, she couldn't will herself to speak, even though she knew she needed to. Truthfully, she was afraid.
She spent her entire life running away from her feelings; she kept to herself as much as she could. But once she and Hotch began to spend so much time together and eventually fell in love, Emily was able to allow herself to open up like she hadn't done before. She had told him things she'd never told anyone else before. Though she considered JJ her best friend, it was different when it came to Hotch. But now, he didn't remember all the late night talks, he didn't remember falling in love; he didn't remember all the good times they'd had. He remembered her as co-workers, as friends maybe, but not close friends. The way he looked at her was so different, and Emily couldn't find it in her to open up to him like she once had. She was so frustrated and angry and confused she wanted to cry, but she didn't let herself do that as she tried to keep her composure.
