Chapter 11 - Nothing to say

Are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?
Are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
Of course you are

Brooke's POV:

I'm surprised by what Peyton says, I really am. I know how hard it must be for her, and of course I didn't think she was gonna try to break us apart or anything, but I also didn't imagine she was gonna do this. Actually tell me and Lucas to talk and make up. So… yeah, she surprised me. After I close the door, I go to the living room, where Lucas already is.

- So… why am I not surprised you were here, at Peyton's?

- I was just worried, Brooke.

- Thing is, Lucas, you'd worry about her before you'd worry about me. It's like she always comes first!

- You know that's not true.

- Do I? There's something between the two of you, Luke. And sometimes I get this feeling that… there will always be. You know? That connection, it's like you two understand each other better than any two people can possibly understand, and I feel like… like I'll never have that with you – I lower my head and close my eyes as a tear falls.

- Hey hey… look at me, Brooke. It's true, Peyton and I do have a connection, that's why we're such great friends. But that's all. What you and I have, I can't imagine not being with you. And when I look at you, I see all of you. So much more than you want people to see, I see the vulnerable girl, the scared girl, the tough girl, the kind, and sweet, and pretty girl you are. All of it. And it's all you. I just don't know what to do anymore to prove that you're the one for me, and I'm the one for you. But if you want me to give that speech all over again, I will. Till you believe me when I say how much I love you.

- That's the thing. You keep saying those beautiful things, and for a while there I almost fall for it again. But you never show it. When I think we're alright, I find out something, I feel that… that your heart's not in it.

- Brooke, you're the one who won't even tell me what's going on, you'll keep me away from you and I'm the one who's not giving his heart? Just… just tell me, please. You said you're not pushing me away, you said you're holding on, maybe it's your turn to show it too. All of a sudden we're fighting and I don't even know exactly what it's about. Damn it, Brooke, what do you want me to do?

Are you still mad that I had one foot out of the door?
Of course you are

I don't know what I expect from him. I know he's right when he says it's not fair. It isn't. I'm mad at him for something Peyton feels, I'm mad because I'm too afraid to need him like I do. I'm mad cause I have his baby growing inside of me. But then again, it's not fair that Peyton has feeling for him, it's not fair that he broke my heart last year, it's not fair that he kissed her again and didn't tell me about it. Nothing about this is fair.

- I want you… - my voice trails off, I can't believe what I'm about to say – I want you to go.

- No… I'm not leaving again, not knowing what the hell is going on.

- What's going on? You didn't figure it out yet? I'm breaking up with you, Lucas.

- What? Look, I know things haven't been perfect lately, but…

- Don't! Please, just… don't – I can barely talk now, my voice is almost a whisper between my tears – Just go…

- I'm not giving up on us, Brooke – and, with that, he leaves.

Why does he have to make this so hard? And why on Earth am I doing this? Did I just break up with my boyfriend? When I'm pregnant with his baby and have no idea what to do? As soon as he leaves, I feel like running after him and taking it all back. I didn't want to break up. I needed some time and he couldn't give me that. So I got tired of it. I'm so tired I'm probably not even thinking clearly. I don't even know what I want. Right now I wanna cry. I wanna forget.

I go back to Peyton's room, open the door. When I open the door she looks at me and smiles, but when she sees my face, her smile fades. I go silently to her side, sit on the bed and start crying. Peyton's the only one who's ever seen me like this, she knows how bad things have to be for me to breakdown this way. So she sits up and hugs me, not saying a word, just showing she's there.

- I'm so scared, Peyton. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

- I know the feeling – she says and sighs – Brooke, look at me… I'm here for you, please, let me help you. I can't stand to see you like this and… I have no idea what's causing it. I know a lot of it is my fault, and I'm so sorry… but there's more, isn't there?

I nod, still crying. I lay down, resting my head on Peyton's lap, she strokes my hair calmly, letting me know it's ok if I don't wanna talk or if I can't talk right now. She's gonna be there when I'm ready.

- Get some rest, ok?

I look at her and then I remember why I'm there in the first place. She wasn't ok. She was pale and she didn't get out of bed, not for one moment. She hurt herself again. I start crying harder as I realize this. I should've been there to stop her. But I was too busy… falling apart.

Are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are
Of course you are


Song: Are You Still Mad, by Alanis Morissette