The Scent of Lavender and Fear Chapter 11
I don't own R and I.
A/N: The relationships we have with other people are projections of the relationships we have within ourselves. Our external relationships and our internal relationships are in fact the same relationships. They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses.
Hold unconditional love in your consciousness and you'll see it in your reality.
The silence was as suffocating as the still, stale air that surrounded both Thomas and Jane as they sat together; neither speaking, both barely breathing. Thomas watched Jane carefully, noticing how she refused to make eye contact. He watched as she tried to figure out what was happening, what had happened and what was ahead of her. He listened to the way she refused to allow her lungs to fill as she breathed. He watched as she used her scarred hands to quickly dry each tear as it escaped against her best efforts. He felt the way she was forcing herself to accept what she believed to be her reality.
"Don't do that. You need to breathe."
"Hurts to breathe." Jane's voice wavered and cracked as she spit her words out at the man that refused to leave her alone.
"No, it doesn't." Thomas let out a long sigh, taking his time getting to his feet only to slide down so that he was sitting close to Jane. Close enough to touch, yet being sure not to.
Jane didn't look at Thomas, didn't acknowledge his close proximity to her, but she did begin to breathe with more of an even purpose.
"Are you giving up, Jane?" Thomas spoke with the softness of a father and Jane suddenly wondered about his own kids, his own family and if they had been here at the hospital awaiting word on his condition.
"I'm tired, Tom. Really tired."
Thomas let Jane's words sit between them for a bit before challenging her once again. "I see your brother is here. He's with Maura now."
Jane looked up at Thomas then, allowing him to see the darkness that colored her vision. "Frankie has been here all along, you know that."
"You know, dark is often seen as the color of fear, pain, intimidation. I don't always see it that way. Learned not to always see it that way." Thomas held Jane's gaze, watching as she tried to process his words. "Your eyes are black, Jane. That worries me."
"My eyes are brown, always have been."
"No. Right now they are black. You are scared of something, I can see it." Thomas forced Jane to look him in the eyes, despite the way she physically pulled back.
"I want to know what the doctor said to Maura."
"Like I said, I see your brother is here...with Maura. They are close, are they not?" Thomas smiled at the way Jane recognized his strategy.
"Yeah, Maura took to Tommy. Felt sorry for him, I think." Jane's questioning expression only intrigued Thomas.
"Prison tats. We notified his brother at a mommy and me class. Can't believe they're from the same family."
"Birth order is a significant factor. The oldest child is typically highly motivated like you while the youngest..."
"Robs banks?"
"I was gonna say, they tend to be coddled. Pick interests diametrically opposite to their older siblings and they tend to be...risk takers."
"Oh, I see you've run the Rizzoli family study."
Have you heard from Tommy yet?"
"No, and that's the second time you've asked me. Look who's coddling."
"And you didn't like her feeling anything for Tommy? I'm a bit confused, Jane." Thomas continued to smile as he spoke and the gesture aggravated Jane enough to come alive.
"It's not like that. Tommy was a screw-up and he's got to prove himself before he would ever be good enough for Maura."
"Hmp. Don't really see that as your call." Thomas watched as a clearly frustrated Jane got to her feet.
"Tommy is my little brother. It is my job to watch out for him. He needs me, at least until he figures out his life." Jane's voice trailed off as she could feel her lungs begin to burn.
"He's got Frankie. Good thing huh?" Thomas got to his feet as well, intentionally invading Jane's personal space. "What about Dr. Isles? Is it your job to watch out for her as well?"
Jane's silence gave Thomas the victory he really wasn't interested in.
"Look through these doors, Jane. Go ahead, look." Thomas paused, waiting for Jane to bite. When she looked at the closed elevator doors he laughed out loud. "Can't see her, can you?"
"Why is that funny? Let me guess, you can?" Damn Thomas was pushing her now and Jane could feel the anger begin to warm her entire body.
"Actually, yes, I can." Thomas stopped laughing, stopped smiling. "But you can't."
Jane stared at Thomas, letting his words fall where they may. "You won't tell me what the doctor said to her, will you at least tell me if she is okay?"
"Oh, sure. All you had to do was ask." Thomas smiled again when Jane rolled her eyes. "Come with me. It's time you answered some questions for me."
Jane was anxious to leave the elevator and actually stopped to breathe in the cool air once again. Thomas waited without a sound until Jane was ready to follow. "Where are we going?"
"Surgery is over. Thought we'd check on you." Thomas walked away knowing Jane would be behind him instantly. She suddenly was there beside him, matching him stride for stride. Thomas stopped as they rounded the corner. "That must be Tommy. Good looking young man."
Jane looked at Thomas before starting toward Tommy. "Don't Jane. Do not touch him." Thomas' warning caused Jane to stop short of reaching for her brother. "He insisted on escorting Maura up to see you. He is doing all he knows to help her, ignoring his own grief and his own fear right now."
Jane hated that she was so restricted to anything physical. "If I touch him? You never tell me why, you just tell me not to."
"There was a time when you would never question me, Rizzoli. You would simply say 'yes, sir' and we'd move on. Now's not the time either." Thomas no longer had that fatherly tone to his words, he was Thomas O'Malley, field training officer number three...or four.
Jane took in a deep breath which caused Thomas to smile. "Yes, sir."
"Tommy had a thing for Maura, am I right?" Thomas knew Jane was anxious to get into the room with Maura. "He actually caused a bit of a rift between the two of you. Am I right?"
"Tommy was picked up as a suspect by the FBI. Maura was forced to keep it from me, so yes there was a rift." Jane wondered if Thomas already knew all this. "It all worked out, Tommy was clean and Maura and I are okay."
"Maura?"
"Second degree mid-dermal burns from the exploding die pack."
"Yeah, that's what you do. You hide behind science. You knew the FBI was about to arrest Tommy."
"Check your messages. I called you the second that I could."
"You should've called me before he was arrested."
"Look, title 18 forbids..."
"I don't give a damn about title 18. There are ways to tell me without telling me."
"Really! Well the justice department could've indicted me for the mere act of disclosing my knowledge of their intent to arrest Tommy. That is ten years in a federal prison plus the loss of my medical license..."
"You didn't trust me enough to protect you...and you didn't protect me."
Thomas stared at Jane as she let her thoughts take her back. How she let her frustration and anger get anywhere near Maura. "Do you think Maura trusts you, Jane? Do you think she trusts you to protect her?"
"I hope so."
"Me too." Thomas took up position in front of the door. His attention was on Tommy who had his eyes closed as he rested his head against the wall.
"Jane, Ferral got to Cavenaugh. I'm sorry, he made me and Korsak lead on the two homicides."
"Okay, you see that, Maura? That's what friends do. They tell you."
"Excuse me, I have to go check on something."
"Uh, I'm off the case, Frost. My brother is a suspect."
"This is all Ferral. You know, she doesn't even..."
"What the hell went down between you two?"
"She married the job instead of me. This is her fault."
"She's just doing her job."
"So is Maura."
"Please?" Jane begged Thomas to let her in. She was worried about Maura, her own condition not a priority.
"Do not touch her, Rizzoli. Am I understood?"
Jane shook her head, suddenly painfully aware of the trauma she had suffered. Thomas' glare was meant to warn and Jane fielded his gaze until he was ready to allow her in. Jane took a few steps toward Maura, her heart beginning a pace that frightened her.
"The great Dr. Isles feels helpless. She's used to dead people, not dying loved ones." Thomas' fatherly tone returned and not a second too soon.
"Too bad you can't live in your microscopic world."
"Makes more sense then the macro world right now."
"Yeah."
Jane moved around Maura, intentionally keeping her eyes from landing on her own body. "I've never seen fear this way. I mean, I've seen fear, felt fear and lived fear, but this is different, Tom." Jane studied Maura's face.
"Dr. Isles is scared to death." Thomas followed Jane as she walked slowly around Maura.
"I must be okay, if they let her in, right? They wouldn't let her in if I wasn't going to make it?" Jane let her eyes drift to her body, the tubes and bandages too much at once. "Tom?"
"Maura is a doctor, Jane. She knows how to act and what to say. They didn't let her in, she demanded they escort her in to see you." Thomas gently took Jane by the shoulders and guided her to stand directly in front of Maura. "Look at her, Jane. Look at the fear in her eyes. Dark is the color of fear..."
"Tom? I'm scared. What if I can't help her? What if I can't protect her. What if...Tell me, please, Tom. Please tell me what to do?"
"Breath, Rizzoli. Relax." Thomas turned Jane so that she was looking at herself. "Are you afraid of fear, Jane? What do you do when fear is killing you?"
"Listen, I don't want to stand in the way of a great romance. Okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"You and Tommy. I mean, clearly, opposites attract."
"It's an evolutionary strategy to ensure healthy reproduction."
"Okay. Why do you have to go straight to breeding? Alright? With my brother."
"Look, I like Tommy. A lot. But I love you. And I hate it when you hate me, so I don't want to do anything to compromise our friendship."
"Good, cuz...I hate it when I have to...hate you."
"I thought you said it was the bullet that was in my head that was killing me." Jane mumbled her words as her eyes stayed fixed on Maura's. How she wished Maura could see her, how she wished she could touch her.
"Bullet is out, Rizzoli." Thomas walked toward the door.
"Where are you going?" the sudden frantic pace of Jane's words stopped Thomas.
"I'll be here, Jane. I'll be here for as long as you need me."
