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It's 1:40 am. If there are any mistakes, it's because I'm really tired.
Remus knocked on the door of the Potters, and James opened it. James' eyes narrowed at the sight of Remus.
"Now I don't know what you and Sirius argued about last night, but you need to fix it, because we all know Sirius is too stubborn to. Whatever it is, I've not seen Sirius like this since -"
"That's why I'm here," Remus interrupted. "Where is he?"
"Asleep - well, passed out. I woke up just before 6am, came to get a drink and he was at the table, drinking firewhisky. I think he was there all night. He was fine before he went out, saying he was going to hang out with you. I don't even know what time he came back."
"I'll wait until he wakes up, and fix it," Remus said. "Going somewhere?"
James' frown changed to a grin so fast, it made Remus dizzy. "Lily has finally fallen for my charm. She invited me to spend the day with her in Diagon Alley. Just the two of us. Just you wait and see, she'll be calling me James next," he said, dreamily.
"Stay out for the day, this might take a while to sort," Remus said, and James nodded. "I'll tell Lily that you're here, dealing with Sirius, so maybe she'll let me take her to dinner."
"You can hope," Remus laughed, and watched James head towards the garden, so he could Apparate to Lily's neighbourhood. Once he was gone, Remus headed upstairs, to Sirius' room, grabbing a hangover potion and a sober up potion on the way. Sirius didn't get much sleep, so there was a chance he could still be drunk.
Remus took in the sight of Sirius laying on the bed. As he moved closer, he could see the tear-stained cheeks, of the sleeping boy, and he hated himself. He done this to Sirius. He made Sirius cry, and Sirius never cried, only when his family tortured him and he ran away, did he cry.
He had treated Sirius so cruelly last night. Thinking he was a dream was no excuse at all. He should have been kind to any version of Sirius he encountered. He knew he had to fix this.
He kicked off his shoes and socks, and took off his jacket, and slowly climbed onto the bed. He shifted closer to Sirius, pulling the dark-haired boy to lay on his chest. He wrapped his arms tightly around Sirius, and held him. He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, but he wanted to offer Sirius some comfort whilst he slept. This is how they should have fallen asleep last night... Well, like this, but naked, in each others arms.
...oOo...
Sirius woke up with his head pounding and let out a groan. Quickly, arms moved away from him, and he was pulled into a sitting position, with a potion was pressed against his lips. He didn't even have a second to think, and drank the potion. He opened his eyes, and was surprised when they met the amber of Remus'.
"I'm so sorry for how I treated you last night," Remus whispered. He could see the pain in Sirius' eyes, before Sirius pulled up his walls.
"Don't think it meant anything to me, Lupin, it was just sex," he said, looking bored. He shifted away from Remus, putting space between them on the bed.
"It was, but it shouldn't have been. I have my reasons, but -"
"Don't worry," Sirius interrupted, rudely. "I worked it out last night when I got back. It was because of last year, I mean it was ten months ago, and I fucked up, and you said you forgave me, but you were just bidding your time so you could fuck with me... or fuck me, right?" He snapped.
"You think this is because of you telling Snape?" Remus asked, aghast. "Sirius, I swear to you I forgave you for that. Like I said, I have my reasons, but it's certainly not a good enough reason for how I treated you, it was unforgivable, yet, I want to somehow earn your forgiveness."
"Earn my forgiveness?" Sirius repeated, disbelievingly.
"I never should have acted like I did, and if I was in my right mind, that would have gone so very differently, I would have been more gentle, kinder, softer. I wouldn't have made you leave, I would have forced you stay. I'm more sorry than I can ever say. Please believe me, Sirius."
"But you didn't let me stay, you just fucked me and kicked me out," Sirius snarled.
"I know, and I'm so sorry," Remus whispered. He looked into Sirius' eyes. He had always been able to read Sirius' emotions, where most others couldn't. He could see how much he hurt Sirius, and Sirius said he was in love with him.
What was wrong with him, how could he do that to Sirius?
"What will it take to earn your forgiveness?" Remus begged. "Anything, I'll prove I'm sorry."
Sirius stared at him a long time.
"Anything?" He spat, and Remus nodded.
"Strip."
"Strip?"
"Strip, and get on the bed. I'm sure how I was last night will suffice," Sirius growled.
His eyes met Sirius', and they were filled with so much pain, that he couldn't say no. He got off the bed, and walked in front of where Sirius was laying. He knew he would do anything to get Sirius' forgiveness. He had used Sirius the night before, and now if Sirius needed to use him in return, that's what he'd do. He'd pay whatever price it cost to fix this, because he needed Sirius. Remus had hurt him.
That decision didn't stop his hands from shaking slightly, as he undone the buttons on his cardigan. One by one, he slowly opened it, his fingers struggling to co-operate, but finally it was off, and it was thrown over a chair that was next to him. Next he undone his jeans, pulling them down, and off, and placing them over the chair.
His hands started shaking more as he reached for the hardest item to take off. He knew Sirius had seen him like that the previous evening, but he still hated to be seen. He reached for the hem of his t-shirt, and took a deep breath, and slowly edged it up, trying to delay Sirius seeing the horrific sight of his body.
Finally it was off, and his gaze moved to the floor, refusing to meet Sirius', knowing that he would be disgusted. He clutched the t-shirt in his hands, resisting the urge to cover his scarred body back up, and finally placed the t-shirt on the chair. The sooner he stripped, the sooner they would move to the bed, and Sirius wouldn't see so much of his scarred chest.
It wasn't the sex part that made him nervous, because he knew what he was doing, but having someone stare at his body in this way, was enough to cause a panic attack.
"Wait," Sirius said, and Remus' hands paused on the top of his boxers, where they had moved, to finish undressing him.
"Look at me," Sirius demanded, and Remus' nervous gaze slowly moved up Sirius' face, to reach his eyes. He could see the hurt there still, but there definitely wasn't any disgust.
Sirius stared into Remus' eyes for a long time, before he sighed.
"Not like this," Sirius whispered. "I can't do this to you. I just can't. It's impossible for me to hurt you like this."
"You wouldn't be hurting me, I deserve it," Remus stated, softly, but Sirius shook his head, letting it drop into his hands.
Remus wasn't sure what to do, he scooped up his clothes into his arms, trying to cover the worst of the scarring. His legs weren't so bad with scars, or his arms, but his chest and stomach were awful.
"You can put your t-shirt back on," Sirius said, softly. He could see the way the clothes were pressed against Remus, and he hated how uncomfortable Remus looked. Remus looked relieved, pulling it over his head quickly.
"Would you have let me?" Sirius asked, after a moment of silence.
"I would have done whatever you wanted to prove I'm sorry, and to earn your forgiveness," Remus admitted, his voice soft.
But you were about to panic, I could see it."
Remus froze for a long time, his eyes moving from Sirius'.
"I didn't want you to see me," Remus whispered, gesturing to his chest.
"I know that now, I've always known how you feel about your scars, it's just that you were so bold about it last night, I thought you were over your insecurities?"
"I wasn't in my right mind last night," Remus mumbled.
"I don't know what that means, so I think now is the time for an explanation," Sirius requested. "Just for the record, I was having second thoughts from the moment I said to strip. I wanted to hurt you, but I can't. I can't do that to you. I could never hurt you, or use you like that." The implications of his sentence were clear. "I said things last night, that I wish more than anything I could take back. I just can't understand how or why you would treat me like that."
...oOo...
Sirius couldn't believe the word had come out of his mouth. He had just told Remus to strip for him, and Remus was actually doing it. Sirius found he couldn't even form the words to stop Remus, as the cardigan was removed and then the jeans. Sirius thought it was strange the jeans being taken off before the t-shirt, he usually done it the other way around himself.
He watched Remus' hands shake as he took off his t-shirt, and the way Remus' gaze shifted, and he felt confused. Remus had just not cared the night before, he had shown Sirius everything without any self-loathing, but here it was again, and the look on his face was Sirius' fault.
Sirius realised exactly what he was doing. Was he really going to have sex with Remus with all this anger inside him? He would just be hurting Remus in return, and no matter what Remus had done, Sirius would never let anyone hurt him, and certainly didn't want to hurt him, himself.
"Wait," Sirius told him, knowing that he wouldn't let this go any further. He was in love with Remus, and if he had sex with Remus again, it should be perfect, the opposite of the night before. He would never cause Remus pain. The sex the night before was great, it was just everything else that was painful.
As Remus clutched his clothes to cover himself, the guilt inside Sirius grew. He started to forget how much Remus had hurt him, knowing that Remus was going so far out of his comfort zone to get Sirius' forgiveness. He told Remus to put the t-shirt back on, before asking him about it, and finally asking for an explanation.
Remus had said twice that he wasn't in his right mind, and Sirius wanted to know exactly what he meant by that, because he knew deep down that Remus couldn't really be that cold.
Plus he knew Remus was genuinely sorry. Maybe Remus had a good enough reason, and he was ready to hear it.
Review please :D
Sirius wanted to hurt Remus in return, but he couldn't do it because he loves Remus, and couldn't let it go far enough to cause him pain. Anyone who is made at me will be happy with me when they read the next chapter.
