OMG Gambler's Fallacy you guys?! That. Was. Amazing. I of course already knew Amanda could go to great lengths to protect herself and her job but I was disgusted, jaw-dropped, screaming and loving every minute of the downfall. & I called her dad being a gambler, just sayin ;)

Again thanks so much for the reviews. They light up my life basically. Yes it was time for Nick to do good don't you think?!

And I'm sorry, again, for the late update. I have no good excuse this time, no fire to blame, I've just struggled so much with this chapter. I got sick to my stomach writing some of the things (great sales pitch!) & had to go back and forth a whole lot. This is a painful chapter. Grisly I guess you can call it, warning for strong language & some sexual explicit scenes/references. It's Amanda's POV while captive but also some Simon's POV which is a dark place for me to linger in. There's some mention of child abuse as Amanda has flashbacks so be careful while reading.

I hope I didn't overdo this chapter but here it is anyway, Amanda's last days…


Chapter 10: Gates of Hell


"In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" (Psalm 118:5-6)


Everything was just spinning too fast. She felt like yelling stop so she could get just a moment to breath, to think, to prepare.
But of course she knew it wasn't possible. She had tried yelling stop literally. She remembered as a child she'd seen this weird sci-fi show, she couldn't remember the name of it but this woman found a watch and it came with magical powers so time stopped when she yelled stop. She'd just happened to actually find a watch while out treasure hunting with her sister and she'd kept it in her pocket while trying to figure out if it could actually work or not. She was still young back then but growing up fast in the environment she was in and while other children probably kept their magical thinking for years longer she'd already started to doubt there was anything magical with this world. But then an opportunity had presented itself.

Her mother had just kept yelling and yelling and young Amanda had felt the weight of that watch in her pocket and just started to hope that maybe, just maybe, could she stop the inevitable. Amanda knew what this screaming would lead too, she would get hit sooner or later. She wasn't scared though, she could take the hits but it would be nice to just once not have to so when her mother charged her she took a chance. She gambled like her father. She yelled 'stop' of the top of her lungs. Once her 'stop' rang out Amanda's eyes grew big as plates as her mom actually seemed frozen in time in front of her. But her heart sank as she realized it was just because her mother was so stunned. Amanda rarely fought back, she'd learnt young she couldn't win against her mother. She was always bigger, stronger, there was no use putting up a fight.

That day Amanda learnt the hard way that there surely wasn't anything magical in her world. The fist across her face had hurt even more as it wacked the last drop of childhood from her being. Trying to shield her head from the hailstorm of punches that came next all she kept thinking off was that stupid watch and how she would enjoy smashing it the first chance she got. But not even that had she'd been given the pleasure to do. A well-aimed kick from her mom took care of that watch and all it left Amanda with was a few small scattered gashes where the glass punctured her skin.

So she knew yelling stop wouldn't work and perhaps it was for the best. Perhaps it was good everything was spinning so fast so she couldn't spend much time cursing herself for turning to Fin. Why had she gone there after what happen in the Dungeon? Why, when she'd tried so hard to push them away? And he'd called Liv of course. She felt mortified just by the notion Liv had helped her get out of her torn clothes. She couldn't even remember that part of the night, all she remembered was coming to and being alone with Liv and wearing a whole other outfit than when she last remembered anything. Mortified. And stupid. So stupid.

But what happen to her in the Dungeon was even more painful to think about. She tried to focus on the fact Mayhem was finally on her trail, that this had been what she'd wanted from the very start. But it was just so hard to stay alert, to stay focused when every part of your body hurt. When all she could think about was the feeling of getting overpowered, getting strapped down and violated in the worst possible way. And while thinking about all of that also feeling like it was entirely your fault, that it was in fact her – and no one else – who had put herself there so in a way she deserved what happen to her. She'd even asked for it. How sick of a person didn't you have to be to ask for that?

That realization got her more skittish than the fact Mayhem was after her. The realization that she must be going crazy. That she might in fact had always been. Just like her mother had always said. She was that wicked child, that despicable, good-for-nothing little bastard. And with those thoughts spinning around her head every time she got up on stage or giving a lap dance she felt like pieces were starting to break. No bandaid would work now. The only thing that seemed to work, to console just a bit, was alcohol and drugs. So that's what she did even though she knew she had to stay alert. In a fucked up way the drugs seemed to get her alert, she felt clearer. The thoughts seemed to disappear and she didn't even realize she got darker, got viler and more sexually aggressive.

She had vague memories of an encounter with Amaro as he stalked her to a club. She wasn't sure but she thought she recalled a sense of disappointment as he caved for her advances but it might just be her fucked up mind playing tricks on her. She knew for a fact though that she basically asked a man to rape her down in apartment 123 and that it had made her come harder than she had in a long time. Fucked. Up.

She tried to keep her notes updated. Tried to sketch whenever she got a chance to hang out at Sierra's. Even Sierra seemed worried about her, telling her she seemed jaded and asking her to take it easy with the nose candy. And when party girl Sierra told you that it was probably time to listen. It would take a little more for Amanda to listen though, she was after all going mental. Her rabbit hole was deep.

Walking home that Wednesday night she was high, perhaps not as a kite but she was stumbling on air which made her surprised she had the ability to still run. She was taking her usual short-cut between these two houses when she heard something. When she turned though she spotted a stray cat that had jumped up on a bin by one wall. She was about to tell herself she was being silly when she saw something out of the corner of her eye. It was just a glare, a streetlight catching something shiny but as she turned completely she saw the outline of someone a few yards from the cat. The black form stepped out and she caught the eyes, the same eyes as she'd caught at the club a few days ago.

She took a step backwards and she tripped which actually was a blessing because when she turned it was like taking off from a pair of starting blocks. She didn't see him but she could feel he was right behind her but as she sprinted out of the alley she got a sense she'd gotten away. The usual group of thugs was at the bonfire by the basketball field and she sprinted straight towards them not caring what other trouble she ran into.

"Help… me," she panted as she reached them. One of them grabbed a hold of her, helping her to keep upright as she all of a sudden felt very weak.
"What happen?" he asked and looked her straight in the eyes.
"A man, back there," she gestured back towards where she came from. The guy hinted with his head and three guys took off.
"C'mon you're safe now," he said and helped her towards the house. He seemed to know where she lived and she was just grateful for the company and the physical support he gave her.

"You knew the dude?" he asked and she shook her head as they got into the building. He asked a few more things as they rode up, like if this stranger was stalking her but she just shook him off pretending she had no idea who he was. The adrenaline rush had worn off as they reached her floor and she just made her way to her door. She spotted the note that had been shoved under her door the very second she got the door open. It was facing down but she still knew the message and felt a shiver go through her entire body. This was really happening, she thought to herself as she squatted down to grab it.

"So," she heard behind her and since she'd forgot she'd been escorted up she jumped and almost fell over.
"Hey, you're safe now," she heard and felt his hands on her. She put her bag down over the note so he wouldn't see it and she got back up with only her keys in her hand. She stroke her hair behind her ears a bit embarrassed having been caught skittish.
"Yeah thanks," she mumbled hiding her blushing face from him by looking down.

"So," he started again and she made herself face him. She couldn't really read the smile on his face but as he got his hand up to the side of her face and the way he placed his body against the door frame she got a hint to where things were heading.
"I do something for you, you do something for me?" he said softly.

She bit the inside of her cheek and hugged her keys in her hand tightly as she let her eyes drop. Why was she surprised? Nothing in this world came for free. He called for her attention back by moving his hand a little further back, circling his fingers against her bare neck and she raised her eyes back up again as she contemplated her options. She felt blank though and she wasn't sure what voice inside of her that said 'why the hell not, I don't want to be alone anyway'. Without giving it much more thought she grabbed a hold of his oversized jersey and pulled him in so she could close the door. His white teeth as he smiled was the only thing she saw as the hallway got dark. She dropped the keys by her bag, pushed him back towards the wall and then dropped to her knees in front of him. He pulled up his jersey so she could get better access to his belt and it wasn't hard to get the oversized jeans off his hips once the belt was unbuckled.

She got the boxers down and started working him with her hand. She heard him moan delightfully and he leaned back against the wall. Once she got her mouth on him his hand came down into her hair. Just her luck she thought to herself as it got obvious he was one of those guys who liked to set the pace himself. She focused on just not gagging and breath through her nose when his hold on her hair suddenly eased up. She took a deep breath as she got rid of him in her mouth and that's when she heard what he'd heard. Someone was pounding on the door next to them. She heard Fin's voice and she sighed. She got her hand up to grab the thug's wrist as it looked as though he was about to grab the door and she shook her head. Fin threaten to break the door in if she didn't answer and she realized she had to say something or he probably would.

"Fuck off," she said as loud as she was able to right now. As she waited to make sure Fin got the message the guy in front of her started to rub himself to not lose momentum. She looked up and saw his white teeth and white eyeballs in the dark hallway. When did this become normalcy she thought to herself as she heard Fin walk away and the guy grabbed a hold of her hair and forced her back over him.

The thug had left when he was done and she'd locked the door and placed the chair underneath the handle as usual. She was hoping it would keep Gordon from getting inside and now she hoped it would work for Mayhem too. She still didn't have anything but his eyes. Could her squad get him just by that? No she needed more. She turned on every light in her apartment and then had a look at the note. She recognized the message from previous victims but she tried not to stare at the letters, they spooked her. Instead she focused on the rest of the note, she searched it for fingerprints but of course there were none.

She hadn't been home yesterday so she wasn't sure when he'd left it there. As usual he left no trace. She pinned the note up on the middle of the wall just so if she forgot to bring it over to Sierra's it would at least be very visual to any dumb cop that might come this way. Though if Gordon was first he might just throw it out, she had to get it to Sierra's one way or another.

She didn't sleep a wink that night. Every time she heard something next doors or through the door her eyes jolted back open. She'd kept the lights on too and she had her maze on the table by the couch. Finally she just gave up and sat back up to have a smoke. Once she'd finished her package she was still wide awake and of course it wasn't until the wee hour of the morning she finally just crashed. She had an early shift at Assets though so she didn't get more than an hour or two of sleep. She dragged her sorry ass out of there and of course forgot the note from Mayhem. She figured she'd just grabbed it tomorrow.

The shift moved way too slowly. She figured it might just be her but the crowd felt out of bounds too. An old guy had grabbed her inappropriately while getting a lap dance and then while collecting her tip after her stage show it just felt as the guys were too handsy while slipping down the bills. She'd been assigned to the small stage by the bar after her break and she knew that was a sure receipt to get groped and today she just couldn't seem to mentally prepare for it. She'd small talked with two other girls while grabbing a smoke but now they'd left and she was alone with her thoughts.

She walked up to the mirror to reapply some lipstick seeing how she had to be out on stage in a few. She straighten her corset a bit, it didn't fit her as well as a week ago she noticed. She had a look at herself sideways, she knew she'd lost weight but it seemed like the guys just liked that. She missed her muscles though she thought to herself and tried to flex her abs. Looking back up at her face she didn't even try to shot herself a smile. At least Sierra would be in later, that would surely cheer her up.

She turned to put her lipstick back in her bag but wasn't able to take more than one step until she felt something cover her nose and mouth. The sweet smell of chloroform filled her mouth as she felt an arm around her waist that pulled her back against someone.

"Fuck," rang through her head as panic got hold of her. She tried to get her hands up around the arm that held the rag over her mouth. She might have struggled some because she felt him stumble backwards a little and it gave her hope maybe not everything was lost. And then she saw Frank down by the back door and she tried to scream but it only filled her lungs with that sweet scent and she felt her vision getting blurred. In a desperate attempt to reach Frank she extended her arms towards him but the blackness quickly swooped in from the sides and soon he looked as far away as looking through binoculars. She just slumped together in someone's arms and then everything was black.


"If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." (Proverbs 3:24)


He knew this was the time to stay calm. He'd missed an opportunity last night. That stupid alley cat. He now had to take a huge risk. It was never a good thing to try and grab an angel out in public and in daylight. The darkness was his friend but it had failed him yesterday. He knew he couldn't wait any longer, she needed him. He'd been there before, many times. Lurking behind that hidden door, listening in on foul conversations between tainted women. He'd endured it though just to get a glimpse of one of his angels. Three times had angels presented themselves to him here. Two he'd helped across, one was left standing but not for long.

He watched those lips of hers envelope that cigarette, smoke leaving her nostrils clouding her face. She needed his help so desperately, he could see it on her face. The light from her blue eyes were fading fast. His eyes went down over that corset, that sinful garment, and down over her black underwear that was only covered by fishnet stockings. Why would one wear something that sinful? He had to reach down and rearrange his brief, they felt tight. The devil was trying to lure him, even from this distance she was trying to con him. It was a sign that he knew meant he would have to be careful around her.

He heard the other two charlatans laugh but his angel just barely smiled. She looked in need of comfort and he whispered he would soon be with her. Again he had to rearrange his briefs and he recited a few hymns about sin inside his head to calm down. He knew he couldn't be distracted right now, he had to stay levelheaded.

The two charlatans suddenly left and he knew this was his chance. He got the chloroform and the rag out of his pocket and he poured the clear liquid onto the rag. He peeked out and feared he had lost her but then relaxed as he spotted her over by the mirror applying another layer of that unholy color that was for men like honey for a beer. Her position was perfect and he slid the door open, trusting it wouldn't make a sound with the many layers of oil that he'd applied as of late. He positioned the rag in his hand and the moment she turned he came up right behind her.

He easily got the rag over her nose and mouth and was able to wheel her in with his other arm before she got to her senses. He stayed calm as she tried to get to the rag and took a few steps back as she seemed to try and kick him.

Then he spotted that bodyguard though and he got a little stressed. Her hands flew out and he felt her mouth move underneath the rag. Thankfully her scream was weak and the rag muffled it as well. Once she slumped down in his arms he pulled her in behind a cloth rack. He managed to bump it with his behind as he put her down though and it made some ruckus as it hit the wall.

He sensed someone coming closer and he jumped behind another cloth rack where he found a fire extinguisher that he grabbed a hold of. He stayed completely still as the man walked in. He seemed to spot Shay immediately and his face showed great concern as he hurried over to her. He quickly stepped out and knocked him as hard as he could over the head. The big man went down with that single blow and he hurried to step over him to get to Shay. He easily got her up in his arms and hurried through the secret door. He held her up on one knee as he closed it properly behind them.

He then tried to hurry through the empty building to get her to the car but he had to take the time to feel her, to smell her, to realize he finally had her. She looked so peaceful in his arms. Like she was made for his embrace. She smelled so good and that red lipstick, although smeared, looked as alluring as it was supposed to be. Honey. That's how they tasted too when he couldn't keep away from them. The trunk was already open and he carefully put her down. He put the rag over her face just to keep her sedated in case he'd be forced to pull over somewhere along the way. He made sure she lay as comfortable as possible and then threw her body one last look before he closed the trunk.

He felt that familiar sense of arousal as he got behind the wheel. All the opportunities that lay ahead. All the options once he got her down in his workshop. He never planned ahead, he fantasized yes but he never decided until he had them down there what he would do to them. They often choose their own course. What scared them the most was the path he had to take them down on. He made sure his cap was on and his hood up before he drove off.

"Slowly, steady," he whispered to himself unable to hide the big grin though, "your God will be with you wherever you go."


"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)


As she started to come to the foul taste in her mouth made her try to swallow but it was close to impossible since all her senses hadn't kicked in yet. Her eyelids felt so heavy and she just felt like sleeping for a little while longer. Surely it wasn't time yet to go to work? A banging sound somewhere in the distance made it impossible to go back to sleep though. She tried to take a deep breath but was unable to and it got her a little worried and more eager to actually wake up. Something was wrong here and the fact she didn't react stronger to it made her realize something was really, really wrong.

Her eyelashes started to flicker at the same time as she felt the feeling come back to her limbs. She quickly realized she wasn't just sleeping and she certainly wasn't in her bed. She could feel she was elevated somehow. Her arms were above her head and she could barely feel the ground under her feet. What had happen? She managed to breathe a little deeper and she heard the sound in the background stop, making her own breathing more apparent.

She tried to speak, to say something. She wanted someone to tell her what had happen but she couldn't form sentences. Her tongue felt numb and bloated. As she managed to get her head up though everything came flooding back and it made her able to jolt her eyes straight open. The light hit her sensitive eyes and she had to shut them immediately as she couldn't cover them with her hand.

"Well look who's awake," she heard someone say as however it was walked around her on her left, "sleeping beauty finally decided to wake up. It was about time." His voice seemed to be muffled and once she managed to get her eyes back open she realized why. He'd covered himself with a white mask, one she'd seen before. His eyes were just black sockets and she struggled to keep her breath under control. This wasn't good. Not good at all.

Without even looking up she could tell she was hanging from a chain or chains in the roof. She heard the rattling of them as she tried to get away from him but as she was only able to get the front of her feet down she couldn't get anywhere. His evil chuckles behind the haunting mask didn't help to get her breathing under control. She finally just hung there though as she wasn't able to do anything and oddly enough that seemed to help and she soon could breathe properly.

He'd stopped laughing at her and was just observing her through those black sockets. He tilted his head a little and she could imagine he had a smile behind the mask. Was this how he presented himself to all his victims? Did they never see his face? She knew his eyes though. But now she started to doubt herself. Was it really him? It wasn't Gordon right? No Gordon was more heavy set. It could be anyone though and a faceless killer was a scarier killer.

She would soon regret that thought though as he slowly removed his mask by pulling it back over his head. It wasn't so much that his face looked scary though, his eyes were piercing in an uncomfortable way but it was the notion that killers that removed their disguise rarely left their victims alive. Once the victim was able to identify their attacker it made them marked for death. And he'd never left a victim alive as far as she knew.

Her emotions were all over the place though. Suddenly she felt calm again seeing how death was what she'd been searching for. She didn't want to go back to that life, the life of Shay. This was end game. It was okay and that notion calmed her. The pain that was most certainly awaiting her scared her though. But she'd taken pain before. She grew up in pain and she'd experienced so much pain these last couple of weeks.

You can do pain, she thought to herself.

He'd been smiling when he removed his mask but now it faded as she got calm.

"What's going on inside that pretty, swindled head of yours?" he asked as he stepped in closer to her, "Aren't you afraid of me?" A slight smile spread across his face again as her courage seemed to amuse him. She could still feel the effects of the sedative but she needed a whole lot more to completely lose all sense of fear for him. She could tell he could read that slight fear on her face even though she tried to keep it out of there. It got even harder for her as he got so close she could feel his breath on her face. She kept her eyes on him but she saw his eyes go round her face inspecting every inch of it.

"I'm Simon," he whispered once his eyes landed on hers again, "your savior." Simon. His name went around her head. Your savior. That truly was what he thought he was doing. And in some fucked up way it was true. He was saving her from that life. Saving her from herself. But what had the other girls thought? How scared hadn't they been when they were here in the exact same spot she was in now? This was his MO, she was sure other girls had been here before.

"Where's my manner?" he smiled, "Let me introduce you to my humble abode." He stepped aside so she could see the wall behind him.
"That's just a storage area," he said and she felt his hands grab a hold of her hips as he came up behind her. "In case we get trapped in here you and I, I have everything we need to survive in there." She felt herself getting twisted by his hands to the right side of the room.

"And there's the table," he sounded a little too worked up, "you two will get acquainted sooner or later." It was a big piece of furniture made of massive wood. It looked stained but she tried to pretend it was just the aging of the wood even though she knew better. There were shackles in every corner of the table. Wide metal cuffs attached to chains that seemed to run down underneath the table. She couldn't help but swallow hard. The thought of being shackled to it scared her, it made her think of that time in the Dungeon and she feared he would want to recreate that awful event.

"Nice right?" She got startled by the proximity of his voice, his face was just by her right arm.
"I made it myself, I'm good at carving," he smiled. She felt his one arm go around her stomach as he got around her to the other side and he spun her around 180 degrees.
"And this…" he made sure she was looking, "this is all my nifty little tools." She felt him pushing himself up against her from behind and his arms snaked around her. He let one hand go so he could point to different places on the desk and the wall behind it.

"My saws, and my chainsaw," he sounded proud, "We have the torch, fight fire with fire you know." He went on for a while, naming the different tools and letting her know what they could be used for. When he was done with the guided tour he stepped away from her and she felt the chains spinning her back as he let her go.

Simon had stepped over to what he called the storage area and she watched him pick up an old record and placed it on a gramophone. It was one of those really old ones with a big metal horn. She heard the raspy sound as he put the needle on the record. Once the so called music started it was like nothing she'd heard before. It sounded like a lot of low, humming voices but as he turned the sound up she could hear it was some kind of language.

"This is liturgical music, isn't it beautiful?" he smiled at her.
"No?" he snickered as her face stayed blank, "No of course it rings bad in your demonic ears but once you come around Shay then you'll hear how they are calling for you. Solemn salve regina. This is a beautiful piece."

She watched him wave his hands around in the air, like he was conducting the orchestra. He finally stopped, let his hands drop to his sides and gave a short and dry chuckle. He went over to the gramophone and turned the music down a little.

"I've been told one should play music when you invite ladies over. Ladies like music," he said with a smile as he walked up to her. She tried to shy away but couldn't really get anywhere, the small part of her feet that were able to touch the stone floor kept slipping leaving her just hanging there and she stopped trying as she could tell her attempts amused him. She'd already tried to get a grip around the chains and she knew she could and she might be able to get her feet up to cause him harm but she had to wait for the right moment. If she killed him now she wouldn't get any answers to why he did this.

He'd stopped about a yard from her and he tilted his head a little looking her over.
"So, Shay," he finally said, "do you know why you're here?" She wasn't sure if he wanted her to answer or not but once he didn't keep going she finally shook her head a little. That made him smile.
"Shay Williams," he said and made a sound of disapproval.
"You've been a very bad girl haven't you? You've broken commandments. You've upset our Lord, unleashed his wrath. You were not put on this earth to soil it Shay. You wasted your opportunities, you took the wrong path and I'm here to guide you right. I am your savior."

"And I'm your victim," Amanda whispered. Simon smiled again.
"Yes. Yes you are Shay. I'm here to help you," he sounded excited.
"A victim is an involuntary participant, you don't want to be a victim," Amanda said. Simon looked a bit intrigued.
"That's right Shay. You are foul but you are smart. You've made yourself a victim and I'm here to set you free."
"How did I make myself a victim?"

"I told you. You chose the wrong path, wasted your life. I understand that dark things happen to you but you always have a choice. You could have risen above it, relied on the Lord to help you. You brought yourself to this point and now I'm going to help you heal."
"I don't need to heal."
"Of course you do Shay. You are broken. A fallen angel. I'll help you mend but I have to tell you it will be painful. You will have to suffer much like Jesus on the cross. You will have to make amends. You will have to apologize for your wrongdoings."

"What if I apologize right now? What if I make amends right now?" she asked but he shook his head.
"No, you will have to suffer first. Suffer then release." She was trying to figure him out and it wasn't the most thrilling notion to find out that he got off on the suffering. He wouldn't let her get around that and he hadn't let any of the other victims escape it either. She'd slipped inside her mind but got pulled back as she realized he'd gotten closer to her.

"Just remember, never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. It's the voice of God," he said and tried to caress her cheek but she pulled away. She saw his eyes go down her body as his face got a somewhat composed look upon it and she felt a chill go down her spine. He kept his composed look as he met her gaze again.

"He also said; naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return," as he spoke his hands went up to her corset and he started to undo it.
"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord." As he unhooked her corset she started to see cracks in that composed look, small twitches started to appear and he looked as though he had to fight the corners of his mouth from going upwards. He kept his eyes on what he was doing but every now and then his eyes darted up to meet hers. She tried to look at him with contempt but she had a hard time concealing she was also afraid.

Since it was a corset without any shoulder straps it was easy for him to get it off her and she heard his breath stalk up in throat as he exposed her breasts. He seemed to fight the urge to touch them and she was happy he seemed able to do so. He tossed the corset to the wall.

"We will burn it later," he whispered before he licked his lips as his eyes went down on her body again. His hand traced the lining of her stockings as he walked around her.

"Temptress," she heard him whisper and the next second she felt him press himself up against her and he wrapped his arms around her holding her tight. She felt and heard him take a deep breath with his face buried in her hair. His one hand went up between her breasts, fingers swiping over her nipples, while the other one went down over her pelvis so he could push her further in to his crotch. He was hard against her back and she tried to swallow sobs that lingered down her throat.

"Wicked, filthy whore," he suddenly said and she felt herself get pushed away only to dangle right back down.
"Put to death the sinful, because of these sins, the anger of God is coming." She knew no one else was in the room but that last part had sounded like someone else spoke it, his voice had changed. She caught herself panting a bit and she feared what was behind her but she didn't dare to look.

"Don't be afraid," she suddenly heard him say and his own voice was back. She tried to get her breathing under control.
"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. We are going to save your soul Shay. You will be saved." She felt his hands on her hips as he pushed his fingers down beneath the lining of her stockings. He started pulling them down, stopping to get his fingers underneath her panties too and then pulled both garments all the way down to her feet. She contemplating trying to kick him in the face but she lost the opportunity as he quickly rose back up. She heard him pull a deep breath and she was happy to not be able to see just what he was sniffing. She now hung completely naked from the roof. The room was cold but she didn't think it was the temperature that made her shiver. She felt his hand travel around her and then he walked around to face her again.

"We are going to start your cleansing now Shay, we are entering the first circle," he smiled and then walked over to the storage area where there was a large sink.
"But don't confuse this with your baptism. That will come later. For that you have to declare that Jesus is Lord. This is just rinsing you from your past mistakes," Simon said loudly so she would be able to hear him as he was filling a bucket with water.
"What mistakes have I made?" Amanda asked.

"We will go over all your indiscretions later but I think you know what mistakes, what sins you've made Shay," he threw her a look over his shoulder but then went back to filling the bucket. He put a sponge in the bucket, grabbed something out of a drawer and then came over to her with the bucket. The thought of having him clean her wasn't that appealing and she doubted it would make her feel any less filthy. He pulled up a three legged stool and put the bucket on it.

"A new soap just for you," he smiled as he unwrapped a bar of soap. Amanda bit down on her lip to not give him a bitchy retort. She had to play into his game, there was so much she wanted to know but her mind felt just so blank right now. She caught him looking at her with narrowed eyes.

"There's something about you…" he said, the smile was gone. He dipped the sponge in the bucket and then rubbed the soap bar against the sponge.
"You're just so calm," he continued after a silent pause, "you're usually not so calm." She wasn't sure if he was talking about her or his previous victims, she figured it might be the others. The ones before her. That thought scared her. So much pain and suffering that must have gone on down here, so many tears, so much blood, so much terror.

"It's okay, don't cry," he whispered with a hint of a smile back on his face and she felt angry that she'd let him catch her eyes watering up. "It's all good Shay. We can talk. When you're this calm we can spend a lot of time talking," he dragged the sponge down one of her arms. The water was cold and she gasped a little as the water ran down her body.

"It's just going to be you and me, just us and you can tell me anything. Confess your sins. We can make amends together. I can guide you through it," he kept dipping the sponge in the cold water and every time he placed the sponge on her body she reacted to the freezing cold. He sounded delusional, like they were having some fucking slumber party and she felt like screaming at him but she kept silent. He took his time, wiped her arms down first and then went around her neck, taking time behind her ears. When he started down over her chest he seemed to be amused by the state of her nipples, she didn't have to look to know they were hard. She hoped he realized it was from the cold and not from him touching her. She ended up not caring since he seemed to have a hard time maneuvering the sponge all of a sudden, she could feel his fingers or the back of his hand brush up against her nipples every time he went over them with the sponge.

The smile vanished suddenly as he seemed like he got caught doing something he wasn't supposed to do and he dipped the sponge in the water and used the soap on it again before he continued. He walked around her, lifting her hair to get access to her back. He came back around and this time after he'd dipped the sponge he placed it on top of her head and squeezed it down. He had his eyes glued on her face as the water rinsed over it. He repeated that same procedure one more time and then stepped in even closer so he could work on getting her make-up off. He looked very serious now, very focused on his task and his proximity was daunting.

He had to rub hard to get the eye make-up off and her face felt numb when he finally seemed done.
"Why soil the beauty God gave you with tricks made up by devil worshippers," he whispered once he was done. He soaped the sponge again and started going down the side of her legs. He went up and down the outside of her leg a couple of time but then came up in-between her legs. She braced herself by grabbing on to the chain but he stopped before he reached all the way up in-between her legs. He gave the other leg the same procedure, again stopping before he reached all the way up. He'd been silent for a long time. Again she'd contemplating kicking him, trying to get her legs around his neck but all the if's got her bailing. What if she wasn't successful in tackle him down? What if she was and she was left there dying slowly with a dead body next to her?

He stepped over to dip the sponge again and this time he watched her intensely as he soaped it. He stepped in close to her and folded his arms around her. She felt the sponge against her butt cheeks and she felt herself get pressed towards him as he started washing her behind. She tried to avert her face as he came too close for her liking. He kept wiping for a while and she could feel he used his hand from time to time. She felt sick to her stomach and felt some relief as he stepped away.

"Oh you got me wet," he chuckled a little as he saw the state of his shirt, "that's okay though." For a moment he'd looked like a little boy, like a playful little boy but he disappeared as he dipped the sponge again. This time he didn't wipe it with the soap but instead stepped close to her with the soap in one hand and the sponge in the other one.

She saw him swallow a few times as he just looked at her. He looked like he was preparing himself for something and she knew she wouldn't like what was coming.

She tried to keep her legs together but he used force and pushed the soap in between her legs while keeping her eyes locked with his own. His breath picked up though as he kept moving the soap back and forth and soon his eyes seemed drawn downwards. When they came up to meet hers again her face was showing the contempt she felt for him. His face told her he felt busted and his hand lost some momentum between her legs.

"You're enjoying this a little too much," she whispered calmly and saw the anger flare across his face.
"Shut up," he hissed back, "you're the filthy one."
"I think you like filth Simon."
"Shut up," he said through gritted teeth. She felt a little win as he'd removed the soap but the moment later she felt him kick her legs apart harshly and he started rubbing the sponge between her legs.
"I turn you on," she said not caring that he'd get ticked off. Anything was better than getting fondled by him. He got his fist up, it was squeezing the soap tight but he seemed to change his mind about striking her.

"Open up," he said. She just looked at him.
"Open up," he repeated but when she still didn't command him he tossed the sponge on the floor and grabbed a hold of her hair with his now free hand. He struggled to get the soap inside her mouth and she fought hard but he managed to get her jaws open by pushing her cheeks together hard and then she had to fight to not get the soap all the way down her throat instead. Involuntary tears leaked from her eyes and when he finally took the soap out she coughed for air. He picked up the bucket and poured all its content over her head.

"One Lord, one faith, one baptism," he whispered as her body shivered from the cold shower he'd just given her. She gasped for air from the cold shock and the strong taste of the soap also made it hard to breathe. He put the bucket back on the stool and bent down to pick up the sponge. Without thinking much she grabbed a hold of the chains above her head and managed to get her legs up in the air. Somehow she managed to kick down hard above his head and he fell down on his knees. Unfortunately he landed a bit too far away from her and her efforts to reach him with her feet were futile. He seemed stunned by her attack but quickly found himself and he easily fended off her feet once he got back up on his feet.

"You dirty, filthy whore," he shouted and struck her hard in the stomach. He kicked the stool away and it and the bucket went flying across the room. The bucket hit the counter with the gramophone and the impact seemed to have made the needle jump as the large humming choir were replaced by something that sounded like someone talking in tongues. He disappeared behind her and suddenly she felt the chains give way and she dropped down hard on the floor. Her knees hurt immensely but she quickly got up and tried to take off but she didn't get far until her chains were getting wheeled in again.

"You think I'm stupid," he yelled and looking back she realized the chains were still attached to the ceiling. She searched for something she could use as a weapon but since the tools were on his side of the room she couldn't find anything but the stool or the bucket. Before she could reach any of them though he yanked her back and she fell on her side. He wheeled in the chains a bit and she felt the skin tear against the hard stone floor. She cried out but it just made him laugh.

"What you think you stupid cow? You can't escape from me."
"You're the one that needs salvation," she cried.
"Me? I'm not the one flaunting myself to everyone, that succumb to drugs and leaves her son behind, you are a bad, bad mother… "
"And what did your mother do to you? She screwed you up big time." She was about to say something else when she felt a hard kick across her back.
"Don't you talk about my mother whore," he hissed and pulled her forward by the hair. He let her go once she was back where he'd poured the water over her.

"You think you'll be able to walk out of here? We'll see to that. You're pushing this aren't you Shay? You want to jump to circle six," he was searching for something on his tool table. She tried to crawl away as he came back over but he easily pulled her back by using the chains and then he sat down on top of her.

As she saw the torch in his hand she regretted making him angry.
"No please," she begged.
"You won't walk anywhere," he smiled viciously and turned around. He straddled her thighs and she felt her right foot get bent up. She heard the torch getting turned on and she braced herself at the same time as she kept trying to get out of his tight grip. But she got nowhere and nothing could prepare her for the pain when the flame burnt through her skin.
"You're walking through fire harlet," Simon screamed along with her cries.

Later Amanda managed to get herself to sit up with the help of grabbing on to the chain that held her prisoner. Simon had left her a while ago and closed the heavy door behind him. He'd made sure the chains were wheeled in so that she wouldn't get far if she tried to. Laying down her hands was left hanging a little in the air. He'd told her to think her devious ways over while she was alone and that it was no point of screaming since she was half way to hell already.

She'd remained cradled on the cold, wet floor for a while just trying to breathe through the pain originating from the bottom of her feet. It was such an intense pain she couldn't feel or think of anything else. All she did was breathe as she watched her hands dangling a little from the chains. This was crazy. This didn't feel real. But the pain was certainly real.

Once her mind started to function again she recalled something her mother had said once.
"Just because it burns doesn't mean you're going to die." It hadn't been said nicely or during an especially fun episode but it helped Amanda now. She tried to think back, had she been 9? Yes she'd turned 9 a few weeks before that day in the Rollin's kitchen. The one with the lopsided sink that a newly washed plate could slide off if you weren't careful. The one with every countertop except one hanged of its hinges and that her dad just never got around to fixing even though her mother had nagged him about it every other day for as long as Amanda could remember.

It had been early morning and the sisters had come down once Amanda had made them both ready for school. Amanda tried to find something for them to eat as Kim complained she was hungry. All she could find was some white bread, mildew forming on the corners. She'd gotten Kim a glass of water at the table and let her look through her science book to keep her occupied as she scraped the icky green stuff off. She put two pieces of bread down in the toaster and felt happy once she found some jam left in the fridge. She spread some on the pieces of toast and handed them to Kim.

Her mom, not usually up at this early hour, came shuffling down the stairs with her robe sloppy folded around her. Amanda should've known better but she was just so fed up - her parents had kept her and Kim up late last night fighting and screaming downstairs, Kim had kept waking her up during the night as she insisted on sleeping in Amanda's bed and she'd kept kicking her and now there was nothing to eat – so she'd given her mom a piece of her mind. Scolded her for not feeding her kids and picking stupid fights with dad. Being that angry Amanda had missed the signs of what mood her mom was in but she'd found out the hard way.

Emily grabbed her wrist and put her hand on the toaster. Amanda thought she even saw a smile on her mom's face as she turned the toaster on and then she'd held her hand there until Amanda couldn't hold a straight face and her silent tears turned to screams as her flesh burnt. That seemed to make her mom perhaps regret her actions and she let her daughter go.

Amanda had learnt in school that you should put burnt fingers and stuff under running cold water and she tried to get over to the sink. Her mom stood in the way but finally let her pass. The water just made it hurt more at first but then it finally helped a little. Kim had been quickly there to hug her from behind and she'd been crying loudly. Their mom told them to stop whining like little children and then she'd turned to Amanda and told her that just cause it burns doesn't mean you're going to die.

And she hadn't. But she hadn't been able to fold her hand for the rest of the week which made it hard for her to hold her pen in school but she'd managed to hide that fact from her teachers. She hadn't been able to hide the fact that a few pages in her science book was stuck together with jam though and it had earned her to be even less of a favorite student to Mr Brooks. But she hadn't died that time and she wouldn't die now either. At least not right now.

She pulled herself up little by little until she finally could sit up completely. She pulled her legs to her and it hurt just looking at the burnt skin. There were yellow blisters all over in various sizes, had there just been one perhaps she'd felt an urge to pop it but now the thought just got her stomach to turn. There were parts between the blisters that looked red and with skin peeled off. She had to stop looking or she knew she would puke. She weren't easily squeamish, she could take blood and dead bodies but seeing yourself like this was frankly scaring her. She remembered the cold water and since there were still a few shallow puddles she tried carefully to put her feet down into them. It hurt like hell but she forced herself hoping it would ease the pain just a little with time. As she sat there and just waited for some relief she had a look around the room. There was only that one door out of there, no windows, not even air vents that she could see. She tried pulling at her chains a little but they were securely fastened with some sort of huge carabineer by one wall and there was no way she could get over there with the length of the chain she'd been given. And with the state of her feet she wasn't sure she could even stand up right now. She tried them out a little but they hurt immensely just pressing them down a little, no she was not getting up anytime soon.

Her eyes went over the wall of tools. They looked clean, like new but she wondered who they'd carved into. What tool had he used on Cassie? She wondered what sort of pain he'd inflicted on her? Had she screamed? Cried? Begged for salvation? Amanda knew that meant death but had Cassie known? Had she known that once she repented her sins Simon would set her free by killing her? Had she been in such a state that she'd actually wanted to die? Amanda remembered the photos of Cassie's body. She remembered the photos of all his victims even though she wished she wouldn't right now. They weren't the mental images she needed right now but she still didn't regret anything. Her tears had dried up by now and she laid down feeling calm. This was where she belonged, she had sinned, she was sinful, she was everything he'd called her and there was nothing out there she wanted to go back to. This was where she would die and she was perfectly fine with that. She would just do it on her own terms, not on Simon's.

He came back later, she had no idea how long he'd been gone. She'd fallen asleep even though the cold got into her core, at least the cold help with her burnt feet. He looked calmer when he came back then when he'd left. He'd left in a bit of anger not happy that she'd jumped ahead of his plan for her but now he was set on going back to his routine.

"I see you managed to rest," Simon said walking over to the table with a bag in his hand. She could tell he'd changed clothes.
"That's good cause we're entering the second circle and you will not get rest for a long time." He was talking from behind the table and she pulled herself up again since she wanted to be able to keep track of him.

"It's the circle for those overcome by lust," Simon smiled at her as she was able to lock eyes with him again.
"Sound like someone we know Shay?" She couldn't tell what it was he'd put up on the table but he put the bag down on the floor so he must be done.

"The condemnation of the carnal malefactors, people like you Shay, your appetite swayed your reason. It's time to battle your lust Shay." Simon walked over to the wall where her chains were attached and he unhooked them so he could pull her up. She cried out in pain when she was forced up on her feet and he made sure she wasn't pulled up too high, that her entire feet rested on their soles. She felt a blister pop and it hurt as it made her weight shift. She grabbed a hold of the chains above her head and tried holding herself up but realized she wouldn't be able to do it for long. She noticed that Simon had stopped and just watched her as she struggled to manage the pain from the burns. He smiled at her once their eyes connected and then walked over to the table.

She managed to sway a little so she could see him and she got a look on the items on the table. There was a bible, a cross, some sort of club made of wood, a tube of something, some metal box and another item she had no idea what it was and then a flogger. This wasn't the kind of flogger Sierra had taught her to use though, this was the real kind. Each string decorated with metal studs that would surely hurt once they hit, maybe even pierced, your skin.

"Your journey is really starting now Shay are you ready for it?" he asked and looked at her to get an answer. She just kept staring at him though and finally he looked down and flipped open his bible.
"It's the path you've chosen for yourself, there's no way getting around this," he said calmly and picked up the bible as he seemed to have reached the page he was looking for. He walked over to her and took a wide stance about a yard from her. He made sure he got her attention and then said;

"These are the rules for holy living, pay attention Shay," he turned his eyes down to the pages and started declaring; "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God." He started pacing around her as he continued; "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature;" he stepped in close to her face and recited without needing help from the book's page; "Sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourself of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language from your lips." He turned his eyes back to the page and continued reading as he started to pace again.

He was crazy. No question about it, she thought to herself. In his delusions it looked to her as he actually thought he was doing something good here. In the midst of all terror it was also intriguing to her.

He seemed to have picked up on her attention going elsewhere and she felt herself getting shoved a little and he raised his voice as he continued; "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

"Where's your kindness towards me?" she asked not able to keep quiet. He shot her a annoyed look but then put his bible down a little.
"It's not my job to be kind to you Shay. My job is to enlighten you so you can change the devilish path you're on," he said seriously, "now don't interrupt me again." He put the book back up to his face.
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful."

She snorted not able to hold it in and she got a deadly stare from Simon. She bit her lip to not say anything and he continued for a long time just reading page up and page down until it just became a tangled mess inside her head. She'd lost the ability to hold herself up and since putting weight on her feet wasn't an option she had to hang uncomfortably from her wrists putting much strain on her arms and shoulders. Hanging that way was tiresome and she just felt like falling asleep. He came around and shoved her or screamed into her face whenever she zoomed out too much though.

He finally seemed done with the bible and shut it with a heavy thump that got her attention.
"You know I'm going to have to put you through some of these impure actions you've done. I'm going to have to suffer through them with you to really make sure you repentance is truthful and tangible to our Lord savior," he said as he put his bible down on the table. She felt like laughing in his face. He made it sound like such a sacrifice but he was enjoying every second of this. When he came walking up to her with that club in his hand though, when images in her mind started to pop up in her mind what he would do with it, she wasn't feeling like laughing as much any longer. She could tell he liked the fear on her face and she tried to get a handle on her feelings as he walked passed her. She felt him toying with the chains and soon she felt herself getting pulled up. He pulled her up so far that her feet left the ground and then secured the chains again. Somehow hanging like that didn't feel as bad as hanging with some part of her body at the floor, she was sure she wouldn't think the same if she was left like that for long though.

She got other things to think about as he walked up behind her and she felt him sniff her hair before his arms folded around her naked body. His face came up by her arm and while his one hand rested on her tummy the other one held up the wooded object.

"You know what this is right?" he asked and then, with some strange pride in his voice, went on to tell her he'd carved it himself as a weapon for his holy army.
"It can be used for many things but for this circle, for this atonement, I think you know its purpose." She had to fight hard to try and keep the panic that lingered within buried as deep down as possible. She couldn't get the sensation away though, she could already feel the pain that club would cause her shoved up inside of her.

She felt his hand on her tummy work itself up a little and it swiped over her breasts.
"It's going to hurt, I think I might not even use the lube, you will suffer through it since your indiscretions have been so very, very foul. You've desecrated your own body by undressing in front of multiple people. You've gone with strange men to violate yourself and the seventh commandment. You've masturbated in front of others, sure sometimes with shame displayed on your face but also without shame. You've conducted yourself with homosexual activity. Your sins have been many." She could feel his breath had picked up, he was getting agitated. His hand roamed over her body, clutching at her skin at times, running her nipples through his fingers.

"Mark 7:20 to 23, what comes out of a person is what defiles them. For it is from within, out of a person's heart, that evil thoughts come – sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person," Simon came around her as he continued with a voice that rose with every word spoken, "you see Shay? It is from within you and we have to dig it out of you so we can make you pure again. You shall accept freely Christ's payment for your sins, required of the Father," he held up the piece of wood in front of her and it looked as he was getting ready to stab her with it and she sort of whished he would instead of the purpose he surely had with it. He then went quiet instead though and she couldn't get a good read on his face. He looked flustered but the anger seemed to succumb quickly and it got replace by… doubt perhaps.

"You are filthy," he hissed but the anger in his words didn't play out on his face. His eyes darted around her face a little, at times down over her body.
"A filthy whore," he continued but again his face didn't go with his words. She wondered if she should try talking to him, if this was a good time to try and get inside his head. But then he suddenly stepped into her and instead of the piece of wood he shoved his hand in-between her legs.

"A dirty little whore," he whispered with his eyes locked with hers. She felt his fingers dig around a little and then he started to stroke her clit. She wasn't sure what was going on but then he suddenly dropped the piece of wood and she saw his hand go for the belt in his pants. No, surely he wouldn't, she was able to think. Suddenly she wished for the large piece of wood instead and she knew she had to try and stop this from happening. Not again. Not ever again. She managed to close her eyes and she took a deep breath just focusing on the hand between her legs. His fingers dipped in to her every now and then, it seemed as though he tried to conduct in something like foreplay and she knew what she had to do.

She started breathing deeply and she tried as best she could to move her hips against his hand. She felt the confusion as his hand lost some momentum and when she opened up her eyes just slightly she saw the confusion on his face. She started panting, doing her best to thrust her hips against his hand even though it was hard being strung up. He started digging harder inside of her, anger on his face now but she didn't let it stop her. She could take rage, she could take anger and violence but she wouldn't take rape. Not ever again.

It got obvious when he had enough and he withdrew his hand with a loud growl, stomping away from her calling her all every name in the holy book. She was left with a tingling sensation between her legs and even though she was happy she'd won this fight she took every word he threw at her to heart. She was all those things. Degenerate. Charlatan. Whore.

Through tear-filled eyes she saw him grab the flogger and she wished she could brace herself better as she heard the strings swish through the air. She squeezed her eyes hard as they draped her back, the ends of the strings wrapping around her body shooting pain both from her back and front where the studs hit. He pulled the flogger back only to release it again with all the power he had in him. It crashed down over the exact same area as the previous time. She managed to keep her gasps somewhat muffled for the first couple of strikes but as they reached double digits she couldn't hold back her cries and her body twitched with pain even in-between strikes. He kept showering her back with raps and continued down her legs only to work his way up again. She could hear him in the distance screaming at her, she picked up the Lord's name from time to time and figured he was quoting the bible again. She could care less and only tried to brace herself for the next impact.

When he finally stopped they were both panting hard. Her entire body ached, her skin felt on fire and she could feel gashes in her skin leaking. She heard him move behind her back. She wasn't sure what she heard but once he started to pant again she got a rather clear image of what he was doing. An image she would rather be without. He grunted as he reached release and she was just happy he'd stayed away from her.

"You're bringing the wrath of God upon us Shay," he said once he'd zipped his pants back up and his voice was filled with anguish. He walked up to her and she felt him wrap the flogger around her neck. He tighten it and leaned in close to her face.
"Isaiah 1:18, come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool." He took a deep breath.

"You can make this easier on yourself Shay," he said and sounded slightly remorseful.
"Never," she managed to breathe and she felt the flogger tighten. Finally he let go though and her head fell back as he pulled the flogger with him as he went around the table. She was having a hard time even keeping her eyes open and she wasn't able to keep track of his movement. Suddenly he was in front of her and he was strapping something around her waist. She managed to tilt her head back forward.

"Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked, or stand in the way that sinners take…" he whispered and she figured he might feel in need of some redemption himself. Good, she thought to herself. He'd strapped some belt around her waist, it was rather heavy. While he mumbled something incoherent he strapped what looked like wires to the contraption around her and they were hooked to the metal box she'd seen on the table earlier. He put the box on the floor and then flipped a switch. She could feel it immediately. An electric shock went in to her hip and made nerves twitch both down her leg and up her stomach.

"No sleep for the weary. No rest for the wicked," he said and walked towards the door. Another shock went through her body. They weren't that painful though but she knew their purpose- it was to keep her awake for as long as he saw fit. It didn't scare her but what did scare her was when he turned off the light as he was leaving.

"No," she screamed as he shut the heavy door leaving her in complete darkness. She squeezed her eyes shut but there was no way around it, she could feel the darkness' grip on her. She had a deep rooted fear of the dark originating from her childhood and hours locked in the downstairs closet where the light switch was on the outside and that her mother used to increase the punishment.

"Kim," she whispered knowing the only thing, the only person who ever made the darkness insufferable was her sister. Not that she liked that her sister got included in the punishment but together they could pull through. Kim was just as scared of the dark and it made Amanda braver. Kim wasn't here though, not now, not ever again. Amanda grinned as another jolt went through her midsection. She hadn't thought about her sister for some time now. She felt bad realizing this. And she felt bad for not even going to her funeral. Not that funerals in their family usually was such a honorable ceremony, they were usually more of a spectacle.

She remembered her father's. She'd never met anyone from his side of the family and none were at the funeral either. Basically it was just her and Kim and her mother and then a bunch of his drinking buddies. She remembered Mad Pete tripping over the gravestone and almost knocking the priest over. Kim had laughed, her mother not so much. Her mother had said it was time to go before the service was over since his drinking buddies were tossing beer cans down the grave. Amanda remembered them yelling after them that it was out of respect, like his last drink. But they hadn't been able to go home. The police was there, it was still an open murder investigation and they were there to see if his murderer showed up. Amanda realized this only years afterwards. All she remembered that day was spending the rest of the day at the police station since her mother got in an argument with one of the cops and she got arrested for assaulting an officer. It had all been a very undignified day.

Her grandma's funeral was just months later. It turned into a spectacle too since her mom and her two older sisters just never got along. Amanda had a sense that she felt inferior to her older, more successful sisters. They'd gone to college, had jobs, married up and had perfect children. Things her mom didn't have or didn't succeed in doing. Amanda had cousins she rarely saw and didn't mind staying away from since they seemed to have inherited their mother's contempt for the Rollins'. Apparently the sins of the mother seeped down on the offspring. Both aunts had left town but the children came to visit their grandmother from time to time. Amanda tried to stay away when they were around but she also knew her grandmother liked for them to all meet and seeing how she loved her grandma she always tried to be a good sport.

But it always ended the same way. Kim got in a physical altercation with either Adam or Billy, or both, and Amanda got to hear she was the daughter or a drunk and a psycho. She learnt to let it just wash off but of course it manifested itself in a child when she got to hear it over and over again from almost everyone. And once she reached a certain quota she always managed to get in some sort of altercation with her mom and it usually left her either bruised or locked in a dark closet. Sometimes both things happen.

And that's where she found herself now. Bruised and ? by darkness. She'd tried getting her legs up, tried to find the wires with her feet to yank them off or out or something. She'd heard the box move at one point but then nothing and she quickly grew too tired. The shocks didn't help. She was starting to lose function and then was left just hanging with the shocks jolting her back to present whenever she managed to doze off for a minute. Back to this dark and scary place. Most times she was back in that closet before she remembered exactly where she was. It felt like going from one hell to another and she was just so tired.

She had no idea how long this went on but it got to the point where she got so exhausted she managed to rest even through the shocks. She knew she had urinated on herself, it had been impossible to stop it from happening.

It would probably not have helped her to know she was suspended like that for close to eight hours.

Meanwhile her squad had been able to talk to Frank for the first time and they'd also located the car she'd been abducted in. They were still days from finding her location though. Simon had been home to sleep and to get a few things that he needed for the next passage he had to bring his angel through. It had taken him a long time to calm down from her devious behavior that he'd lured him into as well. He hadn't encountered that before. They all usually acted a lot differently. Tears, lots of tears and screams and begging to let them go. They flinched at every touch, tried to fight him off. But this one was different. She was too calm, too calculating and once she got the chance she'd done was try to flee. She was a runner and he wondered what, or rather who, had beat her to obedience. Not that it was important though, he had to focus on his task but it still intrigued him.

He'd packed up what he needed, he was planning to stay down there with her from now until she caved. He wouldn't let her get to him like she had before. He'd spent an hour praying by his mother's portrait and she'd talked to him during the night. He felt empowered, ready to face his angel's demons head on. He wouldn't let her down, he would help her through her ordeal and make sure she crossed past the right way. The way that would make God welcome her to his horde.

Even in her misery, in her ragged state hanging there looking like a rag doll he could see her potential. Like he'd been able to see his sister's potential when no one else was able to. All that waste, the unnecessary bad behavior, why couldn't they just learn to trust the way of their Lord? Why couldn't they see the simplicity of life? It was his way and no one else's, no reason to doubt or question anything.

She woke up by the light but he could tell she was rather out of it. He put down his things by the door and went over to unhook her from the contraption he'd constructed for his angels. He could smell the sharp odor of urine and he tried not to breathe through his nose as he was near her.

"You've been a filthy girl again haven't you Shay," he snickered a bit, "Don't worry though I'll clean you up."

She just hung there as he again came over with a bucket of cold water and a sponge. There wasn't much she could do but let him clean her up. She could smell the chlorine he'd put in the water and it stung as he wiped of some dried blood of her back and chest. It would probably have stung more if she wasn't so numb. Her arms were completely drained from blood and felt cold and detached from the rest of her.

When he was done cleaning her he poured out the water below her and then got a broom and scrubbed the plates. Whenever she got in the way he just pushed her away and it hurt every time her arms or shoulders shifted.

"I want you to meet someone," he said once he'd put away the bucket and the broom. She felt a little more alert now, she wasn't sure if it was the chlorine but something had perked her up just a little. The light was a welcomed factor and even Simon's company was in a strange way welcomed.

He walked over to the door and picked up a box with a handle. It reminded her of the carrier her friend Claire had for her hamster Fluffy. It was the cutest little hamster but Amanda was pretty sure this wasn't a cute hamster though and she was right. Simon put the carrier on the table and handled the animal in it very carefully. It was a snake with a brown and black pattern. She'd never been afraid of any animal but this one, in the hands of her captive, looked frightening. It was slender but rather long, about 20 inches she would guess. Simon held it around its head and its tail snaked around his arm. It hissed a little as Simon approached her with it. She wasn't able to shy away even if she wanted to.

"This is Cerberus," Simon smiled and held the snake up to her face, "Cerberus the fifth actually. They go and die on me for some reason. It's a bitis atropos. Judging by the length it might be a female but I still call her Cerberus," Simon chuckled a little as he smiled at the snake.
"The female snake in paradise perhaps," he suggested and smiled at Amanda. He dragged the snake against her chest, the snakes keeled scales felt as cool as she was feeling.
"You'll get to know each other a little more later on. She has a powerful bite, you'll see," he said and went over to the storage area to put the snake down in a glass box that stood upon the counter.

"So are you ready for the third circle Shay?" Simon asked as he turned back around. He went over to the door to fetch his bag and then passed her with it in his hand. He put it up on the tool table behind her.
"It's the gluttony circle. It can get a bit messy, not only cause of the filth within you. We're going to work on your addiction. Your addiction to sex and to drugs. You'll be blindfolded for this session."

Amanda swallowed hard. She didn't like to hear he would deprive her from one of her senses. He sneaked up on her and she flinched at his touch. His hands came up around her and then followed him around as he circled her.

"Not so talkative today?" he asked with a smile and reached up to touch her face. She tried to get away from his touch but there was just no way seeing how she was trapped between her own arms. He'd used the word today, did that mean another day had passed? How long had she been down there now? She had no idea.

"That's okay. It's not your time to talk anyway," he patted her cheek a little and then stepped back around her. Without warning her chains suddenly gave way and she felt herself sliding down. Thankfully her feet bent forward as her toes touched the ground so she never had to put weight on the bottom of her feet. Once her knees got down on the floor though her shoulders and arms moved as he continued lowering her and she cried out in immense pain. It literally felt like her joints were shattering as her arms and shoulders had been fixed in the same position for so long. He wound the chains down so low some of their length landed on her body.

"There, there," he cooed as he approached her. He picked her up by grabbing a hold around her stomach and she cried even more as that motion made her arms tilt to the side. He seemed to easily toss her up on the table and she landed in a mess of tears and limbs. He grabbed one of her feet and pulled her over the table so he could secure her ankle in a wide cuff at one of the bottom corners of the table. He graced her burnt skin while doing this and she tried not to scream too loudly. She did her best to keep her other foot away from him as he tried to grab it but he just jumped up with one knee on the table and fought her for it and soon that one too was stuck in a cuff. She had some leverage as the cuffs were hooked to a short chain but it was too late for her to try and kick her way to freedom.

Unfortunately she felt unable to user her arms at all and when he started to pull her chains up to the top of the table she couldn't do much more than to fold. She still felt pain as he forced her arms to a different position but it wasn't so immense any longer. He had her on her back and she moaned as some parts of her back hurt at the mere touch of the table. He took both chains with him to one of the upper corners of the table and seemed to hook one of them to something underneath the table. He took the other one with him to the other corner and repeated the procedure. When he was done he walked away and left her spread eagle on the table. He had her so tightly trapped she couldn't move either arms or legs even an inch.

When he came back he jumped up on the table and stood over her with a big grin over his face. She hadn't been able to feel much more than pain up to this point but now that strong sense of disgust and hate for this man got some room and she had a hard time keeping it from her face. It just seemed to make him chuckle though. She realized he was holding a Polaroid camera in his hand and she tried to look away as he held the chains that were still attached to the ceiling as well as the table away so he could get a clear picture right from above.

"Smile," he said and the next moment a flash went off. She should've known he would want to document his procedures, it was only good though. Photos meant more evidence that could reach other hands than the killers. Simon jumped back down.

"Very photogenic," he mumbled from the corner as he seemed to get something else set up. He walked back up to the table holding a tray in his hand. He put it down by her side and then started to pick one item up at the time. He tried to make it look like he was just checking something in the light but she knew this was all to show her what he was up to. The items he had on the tray looked like a surgeons' knifes. Small, clean and with sharp blades. She met his eyes every now and then as his eyes shifted from the object down on her. He was obviously trying to intimidate her but he wouldn't get the pleasure.

"So I think I'm all done here," he said as he put the last knife back down again. He walked away only to come back with his bible and a black ribbon.
"Is there something you'd like to say to me before we start?" he asked as he leaned down above her.
You're an ass, she thought to herself but kept quiet.
"No?" he asked and again caressed her cheek like he had some sort of affection for her.
"I'll see you later then," he smiled as he thought he was being very clever and then he put the ribbon over her eyes. She tried to make it as difficult for him as possible but of course he managed to tie the blindfold around her eyes.

Being in the dark again, and tied up like this wasn't a position Amanda felt calm to be in and she struggled to keep her breathing under control. She heard him walk away and soon she heard that familiar sound of the needle on the record and hymns soon blasted out of the horn. He turned it down and it stayed like a hypnotizing sound in the background. She heard him come back and then what sounded like pages turning in a book. She knew it had to be his damn bible and soon he started preaching;

"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh, rather serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command; Love your neighbor as yourself. If you bit and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the spirit, you are not under the law. The acts of the flesh are obvious; sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

She couldn't do much else than listen to his words. She heard them but they meant nothing to her. She'd never believed in a higher power, religion had never played a part in her household growing up. She knew her grandmother had a bible on her bed stance. She remembered asking her grandma about God and church, she knew her grandma believed and visited church from time to time. But she'd never tried to push it onto her granddaughter. She had suggested they would say grace before bedtime and Amanda had indulged her from time to time but always ended up feeling like a hypocrite when mentioning her mother and father in the prayer. The fact was she silently wished something would happen to them, not dying but just something that made her and Kim having to move out. Move to their grandmother most preferably. But it never happen, whoever might be up there didn't pay attention, probably didn't care about her infantile and pathetic voice.

Simon suddenly slammed something down hard next to her head as though he'd sensed he'd lost her attention. She jumped and heard him angrily flip pages in his dear bible.

"For by means of a whorish woman," he said with a harsh voice, "a man is brought to a piece of bread, and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life. Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned?" Amanda felt Simon touch her foot, she tried to pull it back but she was stuck in her shackle. He pressed his fingers into her burnt soles and the pain was immense. She tried to bury the pain within but it got impossible as he kept knead her soles with his fingers.

"So he that goeth in to his neighbor's wife, whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent," Simon screamed over her cries, "Blows and disgrace are his lot, and his shame will never be wiped away."

He kept it up for a while, tormented her feet until tears had soaked through the blindfold.

"This is all for your shame Shay. Your sexual immortality and your decade, ruining good men in the process," Simon preached. She wanted to laugh at him. What good men? She hadn't met a good man in ages.

She didn't laugh though, all she felt was relief as he let her feet go. He walked up to her head again and started preaching.

"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. This is you Shay, he speaks of you," Simon sounded like a mad man but it was nothing new.
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. You didn't escape Shay, you participated, you indulged. And for this you must be punished."

"What about you?" Amanda had to ask. When she heard nothing, not even him breathing she continued;
"What about the man you had rape me? Shouldn't he be punished?"
"He was hired for Godly intervention," Simon answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Godly intervention?" Amanda couldn't believe her ears, "Rape is in the bible? God gave you the right to rape me?"

"Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life," Simon seemed to recite from memory, the words came out rapidly like he tried to excuse himself, "which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death."

"Tempted? You sinned," she was too tired to think about what she was saying. She'd heard him walk away, something scrambled and then he came back over. She managed to stay calm though, fatigue probably had a part in it. She knew God wouldn't come to her rescue, no one was able to rescue her.

Simon grabbed a hold of her jaw and he forced her mouth open. She felt something get shoved inside her mouth and she realized quickly it was dirt. She tried to spit and cough but he kept pouring it and then put his hand over her mouth to hinder her.

"Be filled with the Spirit," he said as she tried to squirm herself lose, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

She felt like she was choking, staying calm was impossible. Restrained though she was totally left at his mercy. He let her go once her struggles faded. She barely had strength to cough and first just turned her head so the dirt could spill out. She had dirt all the down her windpipe at it would hurt later but for now she was just gasping for air.

She could feel his hands still on her, one on her arm and the other one on her chest. He'd stayed quiet for a while though but now he seemed to lean in, his voice was near and he close to whispered; "For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out."

He then left her a lone for a bit. She had no idea what he was doing and honestly didn't care. She was just thankful for the break, however short it may turn out to be. To just get rid of his hands, his voice and his eyes. For the first time she felt blessed for the blindfold and she rested in the dark for a while. Soon his voice was heard again and for the first time he uttered words she'd actually heard before;

"After this manner therefore pray ye, Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us form evil, for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen."

The next thing she felt was something sharp against her thigh and she was sure he was cutting her. She wanted to scream, even tried but her throat was clogged up and all she seemed to be able to produce was pitiful whimpers. She heard the pages in the bible flip as he started reading again. Every now and then there was a sharp pain somewhere on the body. Each time it caused her both physical and mental pain but after a while she started to wonder if he wasn't just playing tricks on her. It felt as though her skin was graced, that fluid, in her mind blood, poured out but then she recalled something from this movie she'd seen. There had been this sadistic serial killer, in ways similar to Simon, and he'd used ice to lure a blindfolded victim much like herself that he was cutting her. She couldn't stop reacting everything she felt the object against her though and she figured he might just be cutting her, she was just so numb she wasn't sure any longer, but she stopped even trying to scream.

He kept it up for hours and she felt physically drained once he finally stopped. She couldn't do much else then just lie back. She heard the door open and hoped he'd be gone for a while. She might have passed out so she wasn't sure but it felt like he almost immediately came back in and the heavy door closed with the sound that somehow made her think of being locked inside a bunker. Perhaps that's where she was? In a bunker. But where? Where had he brought her?

She tried to ask but there was no sound. She could hear him move around and she tried again but with the same result. He seemed to have picked up on her tries though as he came over to her. She shrugged at his hand going down her arm.

"Are you thirsty? Do you want some water Shay?" he asked and she nodded. Water felt like a Godsend right now but she immediately regretted thinking that. Last thing she'd give him would be to go all religious on him. She heard the water getting turned on across the room and soon he came walking back to her. She felt him work at her shackles and soon both her arms were free. She felt unable to move them more than a few inches down though but he would soon come to her aid. He moved one arm at a time, putting them down beside her body. Then with a firm grip around her neck and the other one tugging at her chains he got her to sit up.

When he let her go she slumped over a bit feeling exhausted just by that tiny effort from her side. She didn't even make an attempt to remove her blindfold. She felt him stroke back some of her hair so he could put a glass against her lips. She didn't trust him for one bit but just the thought of water had her aching for it. She managed to get her hands up, they were shaking as she cupped the bottom of the glass Simon was holding on to.

It was actual water and this time she didn't mind that it was so darn cold. It felt so good getting rid of the dirt down her throat.
"Easy," he whispered and held back so she couldn't down all of it at once. She whimpered a little when he seemed to pull the glass back and it made him give her a little more. After the second gulp it seemed he'd been nice enough though and he walked away again. Her head was spinning a little and she felt like lying down. She feared she wouldn't get back up though if she did though. She reached up for her blindfold and pushed it up a little. She blinked at the bright light but her eyes would stay blurred for a while.

Once she finally was able to see a little better she could make out Simon was standing over in the corner. It looked as his back was to her but she wasn't sure. When he didn't move though she tried having a look around the table. She looked for something she could use against him but the table was cleared from everything but herself. There was no knifes and that's when she had a look on her own body. She saw some blood but it looked as though they came from the flogger he'd used before. There were not a single cut. It had all been an act and it made her despise him more. What kind of sick mind would think up something like that? Like this?

Her chains rattled as she moved and it got Simon's attention. He came walking over and she looked back at him over her shoulder. He was wearing gloves now and he had the snake in his hand. She felt a bit of panic once he let it down at the head of the table. It wriggled itself down, closer to her and she shied away. It stopped almost immediately though. Simon laughed, perhaps at her reaction.

"So how are you feeling Shay?" he asked and took a few steps down towards her. When the snake looked like it was about to wriggle itself further away he used a stick to get it to stay at the table.

"Anywhere near admitting you are a sinner and in need of a Savior?" he asked while using the stick to get the snake to wriggle closer to her. She kept her eyes on the snake the whole time, now trying to move away from it. Her ankles were still shackled to the table though and she knew she wouldn't be able to leave the table without hurting herself in some way.

"Two serpents on a table," Simon said.

He got the snake up with the stick and tossed it closer to her. It hissed loudly. Amanda just tried to stay still, to control her breathing, knowing the snake could strike if she moved. Simon slapped the stick over the table making the snake even more rattled, hissing ferociously.

"Lay down," Simon ordered her. She looked at him like he was crazy. If she lie down now the snake would obviously strike.
"Lay down," he said again, "I'll use the stick on her if you don't." Amanda still hesitated but when he made a move with the stick as to strike the snake she slowly, she couldn't do it any other way, started to move backwards. The snake hissed but just a little and when she slowed down even further it quiet down. She managed to lie down, half on her side, half on her back. She was far from relaxed though and she realized she had no idea why Simon even had asked her to lie down.

Once she was down he got the snake up on the stick and then lifted it up over her. He toyed with her by circling it a bit above her. He then slowly moved around the table so he could place the snake, head up, between her legs. She managed to keep from cringing, not wanting to upset the snake, but it was hard as it quickly wriggled its way up over her stomach. She didn't like how the keels felt against her skin, she felt like the snake herself, like they were emerged together somehow. She was peeking down, the eyes on each side of its triangular head seemed to have her cornered.

And then Simon did what he'd promised not to do. He struck the snake with his stick and Amanda watched it almost jump forward, striking her rapidly by her left breast. The teeth were sharp but it was over within a second and she hadn't even been able to let out a scream. Amanda couldn't breathe but saw Simon pulled the snake back by the tail and then hastily moved away from the table. She was scared stiff and it didn't take long until her heart started pumping hard inside her chest. The snake's poison must have spread rapidly seeing how she was struck so close to the heart. Had this been a camping trip up in some mountain she would have called 911 immediately but what was she supposed to do now?

Was Simon just playing another one of his games? Was this bitis at-something not poisonous? But her heart were pounding hard and her head started to spin almost immediately. She started seeing white spots in front of her eyes but she could still see Simon move across the room behind the spots. She felt him release her feet and soon thereafter she felt herself getting tugged by the chains. Her hands were tingling as she got pulled across the table. She fell off it as he kept pulling but he quickly hauled her up. She couldn't see him any longer, she couldn't see any object as the room was spinning. She felt intoxicated and soon her body was convulsing with seizures. For the next hours she felt caught in a horrible nightmare.

Faces appeared, disappeared and reappeared in front of her eyes. There were friendly faces mixed with horrible ones and she jumped at every single one. They went from shouting at her to whispering, to soothing and back to screaming.

Freak. Bastard. Whore.
Wading through black goo, sticking to her, to her legs, to her arms, pulling her down, drowning her.
Kim, barely a teen, calling for her, laughing, telling her to catch up, smiling.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.
Familiar blue eyes peeking through a doorway.
Mom why don't you help me?
The wrath of God is coming.
Running through grass, barefoot, free, happy, grandma's voice in the distance, don't go too far my wild ones.
Crime scene photos, victims, suspects, mug shots, interrogation room, trapped.
Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.
Bright lights, faces around a stage, hands grabbing, loud music, show me what you got, want me to stick it to you, dollar bills, liquid courage, pills, white powder, Sierra's laughter, pounding headache.
Police car lights, blue, blinking, beams through the window, stay hidden, don't speak, loud voices, yelling, dad led away in handcuffs.
Pain, inside, snake, moving, trapped inside, snake inside, screaming, spinning.
Let.
Me.
Die.


"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5)


24 hours later things had gone from really bad to worse. After spending hours in a delirium caused by the snake's bite she'd woken up to a dark room that brought her straight to a state of panic. Faces, words and scenarios from her hallucinating state lingered and haunted her in the dark. She cried and screamed until there was nothing left inside of her and exhaustion took her to a less than restless sleep.

She was awoken by the bright lights as Simon reemerged. She was exhausted but also angry in a way that surprised her. Anger and rage had always been around her, driven her, but these last weeks, as she became Shay, it had vanished somehow. More sorrow than anger, more shame than rage. As Simon started praying again, talking about his damn circles she didn't want to listen. Since she couldn't run physically she ran the only way she could, inside. She squeezed her eyes shut and starting humming. He got angry of course and started striking her with his fists, he spat at her, tugged her hair.

When he finally put a knife to her throat she gave in but she didn't give up.
"You can't save me, I'm no angel and you are certainly not a Godsend," she whispered leaning her head forward not caring that the blade breached her skin.
"It's the Devil speaking through you," Simon answered.
"You are the Devil," she countered, "You can't speak for me. I won't let you."
"Your mouth is full of curses and deceit and oppression, under your tongue is mischief and wickedness," he rambled stepping away from her.
"You're delusional and... crazy."

"An evildoer listens to wicked lips," Simon mumbled as he went over to his tool table, "a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue. Proverbs 17:4. There must be no filthiness and silly talk. Ephesians 5:4." He stomped back to her with something in his hands and when she noticed it was some sort of gag she tried to put up a fight but again it was no point. She was outdone even from the start. She got a bit of panic though as she felt the familiar touch of the metal ring pressed against her lips and she managed to knee him in the stomach area. He huffed a little but just pressed himself further against her, pushing her back in her chains and he struggled to get the snap hooked at the back of her neck. She kept squirming but soon felt the metal ring get pressed inside her mouth and when she felt the straps get pulled tight around her head tears started to pour.

"Not so tough now are we?" Simon smiled, "No, the last time I saw you with this on you didn't look that tough. You looked beaten. Destroyed. Your suffering were showing."

He was panting a little, filled with rage of her insubordination but also excitement for the power he had over her. He had her head in a tight grip and suddenly he got up on his toes so he could put his mouth over hers. She squeezed her eyes tight as his tongue came in through the metal ring. Thankfully it prevented him to roam free in there though but the intimacy was still too much to handle for her. She tried to cough once he finally let her go, tried to get his disgusting germs out of her but the gag prevented her from doing much.

She still tried though and as she still had his attention she tried to tell him what she thought of him. She tried to say it as clear as possible but she made no sense. But the grip he had in her hair tighten and she got that he knew this wasn't her saying sorry or asking for forgiveness.

She managed to say it again and this time clearer. Satan. The anger flaring in his eyes made her smile and he got even angrier when he saw it. He rushed over to his tool table and grabbed something. Since he was behind her she couldn't see what but the swishing sound that soon came through the air and ended with a snap when it hit the table next to her, told her exactly what it was. She still smiled though. Even like this, her in chains, beaten and battered, she could control him and if that was the last satisfaction she'd get in this life she was okay with it.

"Proverbs. 23:14," she heard him say behind her back, "Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death."

The pain was immense. That first strike. Square across her back, breaking skin. The metal ring pressed into the inside of her mouth as she tried to clinch her jaw.

"The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground."

The next lash hit her lower back, again breaking skin and she squealed out of pain. She'd been struck with various objects over the years, her mom had used whatever was nearby at the time. She had broken skin more than once but Amanda could not remember it had ever felt this bad. She could hear Simon talking, or perhaps yelling, in the background but it was all blurred out by blood pumping against her eardrums. At the same time as her back burst with every new lash it felt like she was bursting from the inside as well. Tears drained her face, saliva and blood seeped out her mouth. Blood ran down her back and also splashed around the room with every new lash.

In his anger, that only built up with every new lash, Simon missed his mark ever so often sparing her back some lashes but when he finally stopped out of exhaustion her back was trashed in an insane zigzag pattern.

Ashamed by his own loss of control he rushed out of there leaving the room in complete chaos. Amanda had gone unconscious a while ago and was left hanging like a halfway slaughtered carcass in the still lit room. The only thing heard was the occasional drop of blood hitting the floor below her.

She came to briefly a few hours later. She could hear the presence of him but wasn't sure what he was up to, her eyelids felt heavy and every breath she tried to pull felt painful. At first she wasn't sure if she was lying down or was still suspended from the roof. Once she managed to just slightly open her eyes she started to get a grip on her surroundings. Her vision was still blurry but she could see her hands cuffed to the chains and way up there she saw the grey cement roof. Everything hurt and she struggled to get her head back up.

She couldn't help but whimper as moving her head got an effect on her back. Apparently her hair was stuck in the wounds or perhaps in the somewhat dried up blood and it pulled uncomfortably. The sound seemed to catch Simon's attention and she felt his hands on her hips. Then he disappeared though and soon she found herself getting wheeled down from the roof slowly. Her legs couldn't bear any weight any longer so she was left hanging even though her feet touched the floor.

He came back to her and she felt him uncuff one of her hands from the chains. He struggled to hold her up as he tried to get the second cuff off but he managed after a while and her entire weight fell into his arms. Like a ragdoll in his arms he hitched her up a little and she wasn't sure what they were doing as they just stood there for a while. She wasn't sure how he was holding on to her, all she felt was herself resting against him. He was quiet, no bible quotes or verses slipping through his teeth. She was thankful for this. Even sound felt like it could hurt her right now.

Finally he brought her over to the table and he placed her face down. She wished she had some strength left as he left her unrestrained as he walked away again. Trying to move her arm though she realized there was no way she would get off this table any other way than falling down off it. Her arm was barely moving as she tried to pull it towards her. The red gashes around her wrists looked like they should be hurting but she was completely numb. She decided to just save her strength for now, pretending she had a choice.

She managed to at least flip her head over, it took a while but then she could see his vague figure down by one of the walls. She was too numb to even feel scared as he walked back towards her carrying some items in his arms. She felt him jump up on the table above her and then she felt his weight on top of her as he sat down slightly. She felt him brush her hair away from her back and then there was this painful but at the same time soothing sensation as cold water rinsed down over her back.

"All I want to do is save you Shay," he said after a while of cleaning her back carefully, "Why won't you let me do that?" It was all he said and it didn't seem as he expected an answer. Not that she was able to though. Her throat felt dry and rough and the metal ring felt like it had fused with her mouth and lips. She lost the battle with sleep soon thereafter.


"If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell." (Matthew 5:29-30)


Over the following hours she came to every now and then. The first time as he moved her up further on the table so he could get the restraints on her. The next time as he was hammering away on something over at his tool table. The third time he was walking around the table, reading from the bible. All she heard was "The Kingdom of heaven is near" and she had to admit the thought of heaven wasn't that bad right now. Then there was something about wolves, snakes and innocent as doves and she knew this crazy bastard couldn't get her to heaven even if she wished he could.

The fourth time she woke up she was alone it seemed. The light was on, one thing to be grateful for at least Amanda thought to herself. She felt dead tired, literally, but her vision seemed clearer than it had been since… well she wasn't sure. Since before. She heard nothing and she couldn't see him. The door was closed. She'd stayed still until then and regretted even trying to move. Her back felt like a giant open wound and for all she knew it could've been.

Even though it hurt she couldn't help but try and move. She could feel she had some leverage at her feet, it seemed her chains were longer down there than the last time she'd been shackled to this table. Checking her hands they too had some leeway. She was still chained too tight to get anywhere though. She figured she could perhaps get herself a little further up on the table but why even try she figured.

As she lied there somewhat conscious her thoughts started churning. When had it all gone so horribly wrong? The question was bigger than just how she'd ended up here. She knew her sister dying had landed her on this table but why did Kim have to die in the first place? Why did her path have to cross with Simon's? And had it really? Why hadn't she asked him about Kim when she had the chance? Why had she stayed in character even after he'd abducted her? Why had she hid behind Shay even after she was in Simon's hooks? Why was she so screwed up?

Analyzing herself was too painful so her thoughts wandered back to Kim instead. Kim, her loved but oh so screwed up baby sister. Amanda wasn't stupid, she knew Kim had issues but that had never hindered her from sticking up for her. She was the only one she'd ever felt a strong and genuine connection to. She didn't have to read a psychology book to know why. She knew the lack of stability growing up, and the violence, forced the sisters to stick together. They only had each other to rely on.

Tears had started to shed as thoughts of her sister emerged. Even now, locked in this hell hole with a lunatic, she still felt embarrassed for her tears. She hated knowing that she'd cried in front of him. In front of Simon. That was like crying in front of her mother. Like just proving to them that she was weak. Fragile. Not able to stand up for herself. But perhaps she'd always been right? Perhaps she'd always been weak? Good for nothing. Disgusting. A bastard.

Her mother's words started to blend with Simon's inside her head. She tried to steer her thoughts back to Kim, even though they were painful memories they were still happier than those repulsive names. But even though she tried bad thoughts started to overtake her. What if she'd always been destine for sins and repulsions? Surely she'd felt it all her life? She'd felt the darkness her mother had tried to beat out of her? It had always been inside of her.

She'd cursed her mother and father at a very young age. She'd stolen things. Doing it to feed her sister wasn't mitigating enough right? It was still wrong. She'd used her fists. On people and on objects. She'd been the one who broke that papier-mâché volcano that Robert had done for their fifth grade school exhibit after he'd taunted her one time too many. Sins. All of them. And that snake had been inside of her early on. That forbidden thing had been inside of her and she'd used it to…

The door suddenly pushed open and Simon emerged. She hadn't heard him coming. He shot her a brief smile as he met her eyes. Again he came in carrying something but she couldn't make out what.

"How are you feeling Shay?" he asked as he walked over to the wall.
"Still not in the mood to talk?" he sounded a bit amused. He'd put his things down and came over to her again. She didn't even try to shy away when he reached out to touch her cheek. He looked at her closely and then wiped his thumb under her eye. He leaned down and with his face close to hers he whispered;

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

She closed her eyes as he closed the distance between them to give her forehead a kiss. He rose up and took a step down. He lifted something of her back, she hadn't even realized he'd draped her back with a wet towel.

"Looks painful," he stated the obvious and put the towel back down.

He faced her again, came down to her level and put his hand on her shackled arm.

"I have to ask you Shay, something very important," he looked very serious.
"Are you listening to me?" he seemed to want an answer but she didn't give one to him. He seemed eager enough to ask his question anyway.
"Are you ready to accept me as your savior?" He searched her eyes for a while but when she didn't say anything or didn't move he just got up and walked away.

She hadn't been able to breathe while he was near and now that he walked away she struggled to. Sobs were threatening deep down. She was so scared. Not of him but of how much she wanted to die right now. When did she become a quitter? When did she ever give up? Give in to scums like this?

Her mind was racing and suddenly he was in front of her again. He was putting some stuff down on the table next to her and then he jumped up on it again. He straddled her again and she hated feeling his weight on top of her. Laying like this and feeling the weight on her brought back memories of the Dungeon. Even with everything that had happen since then, even in the situation she was in now the flashbacks of that assault took over and she felt her whole body start to tremble.

"So, so," he soothed and she felt him stroke her hair.
"It's okay to be afraid Shay," he said, "I know life hasn't treated you well. Don't discourage, God have sent me your way and we will make everything all right. You just have to trust me."

She felt him remove the towel from her back. The air hitting her wounds hurt and she started trembling for a whole other reason. He poured something on her back and it stung massively. She went back to her weak state, tears pouring and sobs escaping up her throat. Simon didn't address it though and just started talking.

"There's a reason we met you know. He always has a reason. He wanted us to meet, he wanted me to help you get out of the mess you've put yourself in." She felt his weight shift over her, he seemed to lean in over her and then there was a different kind of pain. This one was less massive but every now and then it stung and it felt like he was tugging at her skin. He was in fact putting a few stitches in. He was mostly doing it for practice. He wanted to perfect his skills since lately his dreams had been invaded by images of stitched together eyes and mouths. Usually he kept his angel's faces clean and unharmed since he liked to look at them as he helped them pass. But he knew his dreams must mean something, it must mean God wanted him to evolve.

"Together we can heal you," he said as he cut the cord and thread a new one on one of the leather needles he'd obtained for just this purpose.
"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means, we are those who have died to sin, how can we live in it any longer?" Simon leaned all the way down so he could look at her face.

"You see?" he smiled, "You'll find all the answers in the bible. All you have to do is trust and surrender. Then you will be fine." He stroked her cheek and she spotted the curved needle in his blood spotted hand and she knew what he was doing back there. It wasn't a comforting sight or notion but then again nothing about this situation was comforting.

He kept working for a while, talking as he put a few stitches down on each gaping wound the whip had caused. She'd lost feeling a while ago and it only stung a little every now and then. Compared to what she'd been through it was nothing.

Once he was done he put the stuff away and then came over to lay down next to her, resting his head on her arm. Of course he'd used the side to which her head was turned, he kept his eyes on the ceiling as he started to talk again.

"He bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness, by his wounds you have been healed," he turned and gave her a quick look. He was smiling. "You see? It's the greatest sacrificed and he did that for us, for you Shay." He turned his eyes back up on the roof and seemed to readjust himself a little to lay more comfortable.

"The legacy he left behind," Simon pondered and seemed to drift away in his thoughts.
"To suffer through all that, the betrayal, name-calling, humiliation and still stick to your belief," Simon sighed with obvious admiration on his face and in his voice.

"Such a great man. Now that's the role model you should have Shay. That's someone to look up to. And you can't blame previous predicaments," he got a bit more agitated, started talking quicker.
"You see things happen to all of us and it's your… well obligation really to still make the right choices. Live clean, act clean, no matter what filth is thrown at you." He kept on and on for a while, saying the same things but just with different words. She couldn't do much else than listen to him.

After a while he turned over, facing her. He again made sure he lay comfortable against her arm and then held her eyes for a long time. She couldn't do much more than look at him and for a while she forgot the uncomfortable feel of the ring inside her mouth, she forgot just how exposed she was. He reached over and touched her cheek, stroke away some hair, brushing it behind her neck.

"You look so much like my sister," he whispered with a sad smile on his face, "she had it hard you know." He kept brushing her hair and his eyes went around her face only to end up back to meet hers. She wanted to know more, wanted him to tell her about this sister. Amanda instinctively knew this sister could be the one, the reason behind all of this. She tried to ask him but it came out as a muffled gurgle. He seemed to still get her though.

"You want to know more about her?" he asked and she blinked once hoping he would get that it was her way to say yes. He smiled and again his eyes went up to somewhere above her. He found a strand of her hair and started to play with it.

"She was always so pretty, so… perky I guess. Everyone said she could light up a room," Simon looked happy but then his smile faded.
"Mom always said though that her nature could cause her trouble. You see Linda she just never found our Lord the way me and my mom did. And she chose to not live a virtuous life and of course it landed her in some trouble. Trouble she couldn't get herself out of, that pulled her down until it was too late." He brushed the strand of hair behind her ear.

Amanda made another sound, wanting to know more about what had happen. Simon held her eyes for a while, she couldn't get a good read of his current state. But then he came in even closer, his face only about two inches away from hers.

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you," he whispered and covered the side of her face with his hand, "I got you Shay. I will make sure you don't burn in hell with my sister. We're cleansing you, I can see in your eyes we're on our way." He closed the distance and put his lips against her forehead. He then placed his head back down on her arm and went to search for something in his pocket. He brought a wristwatch up to his face and had a look at the time. He pulled a deep sigh as he put the watch down again.

"Okay, so we need to get you ready for the day of worship," he said and touched her cheek one last time before he got up.

Day of worship? Was that Sunday? Amanda wasn't sure. Sunday? He abducted her Thursday right? So she'd been here two days? Three? She couldn't think straight for some reason. What did this mean? Get her ready for what? Was this it? Did he kill on Sundays? Shouldn't that be the day of rest?

"As I said," Simon said loudly as he walked across the room, "I can tell you're on your way but you're not fully there yet. Not fully committed to declare that the Lord's way is the only way. So we need to get you there. Tip the scale so to speak." He was tossing around things in his little craft corner, searching for something.

She tried to just breathe, to prepare herself for whatever was coming. It was an impossible task and she started to feel light headed. It took him some time to gather his things up but then he came walking back over with items sticking out of his bucket. The fabric he held in his other hand made her more nervous though, it looked like an apron and the images that kept popping up inside her head of why he needed this was scary as hell.

He picked up on her anxiety and tried to sooth her but his words had little effect right now. He came up to the head board of the table and she tried to scotch herself down as far as possible.

"Oh c'mon now," he said grabbing a hold of her hand and pulling it back up. She whimpered a little. He didn't seem all that amused by her fear though, more like he was still contemplating something.

She tried to plead but nothing coming out of her mouth made any sense and she didn't have the strength to put any power behind it. He suddenly squatted down and their eyes met at the level of the table. She had no idea what was going through his mind. He was still holding on to her hand and he looked like he was really sizing her up for something.

"You know what," he said and suddenly rose up letting her hand go. She heard him rumble through the items in the bucket that was standing by his feet. She whimpered again when he put a bow saw with a thicker blade on the table right above her head. She could literally feel the pain that that saw could inflict as it cut through her wrist. She could feel the pain of all the others, she could hear their screams as he butchered away at their bodies. She didn't want this to happen to her. This wasn't the way she wanted to die.

He placed a heavy old hammer beside the saw and all the fear she felt stalked up her whimpers in her throat. The fear stalked up her breath as well and she could only get tiny huffs of oxygen down her lungs.

"Romans 6:6 to 7," he said as he placed a large nail on the table. It looked like those really old ones you could see at some Viking exhibit at the museum. He had a second one in his other hand and he used that one to grab a hold of her hand again. He pulled it back up all the way to the end of the table and he pressed her palm down flat.

"We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing," he said with a monotonic voice, "so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin."

He grabbed the hammer with his other hand and she felt the point of the nail get pushed down on the top of her hand. She tried screaming, she tried pulling her hand in but he somehow managed to hold on to both her hand and the nail and the next moment the hammer came crushing down. She saw the nail being forced down into her hand, she saw it before she felt it but as the second blow came she felt it too. It felt like her hand was bursting from the inside. Nerves getting severed made her fingers twitch. Before the third blow she managed to get her hand up off the table and she saw the nail's point sticking out of her palm. There wasn't much blood though and it was the only thing she was able to reflect on before the third blow nailed her to the table, literally. He kept hammering until the head of the nail was almost completely down. Not once had he missed the nail though, sparing her fingers instant shattering.

She had trouble breathing now and she didn't even attempt to lift her head up as he stepped over to the other side of the table.
"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord," he said a little out of breath as he grabbed her other hand and placed it palm down at almost the exact level as the other one. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to detach from the arm but she couldn't detach from the pain as the second nail was forced through her hand. She felt the taste of blood in her mouth. He hammered hard and steadily, every blow was echoed against her eardrum and rippled through her body along with the pain.

"Accept the same sentence of Jesus our Lord," he said as he put his tools back in the bucket, "Feel blessed by the marks I have given you in the name of our Father."

Once he'd put the bucket back in the corner he just walked out, closing the heavy set door behind him. For a few minutes she just laid there panting hard, trying to keep her eyes shut not wanting to see her hand. She tried to not move but she could feel her finger's moving involuntary and she finally just had to look. Somehow the pain got more immense when she saw it. She saw two of her fingers flapping a bit and they looked like fishes out of water. If it wasn't for the nail sticking out of her hand she could've pretended she was just drumming effortless along with a tune. She tried putting some pressure down on her fingers but she had no control of some of them and the others just hurt too much and she gave up trying.

She moved her head so it leaned on her chin. She couldn't see the door from there but she already knew it was closed and it wasn't like she could get over there anyway. She still got her head up though, her back hurt massively by this but she fought through it. By putting the pressure down on her elbows she managed to slowly drag herself forward. She wasn't really sure what she was doing though and she only got to the end of the table until the shackles around her feet hindered her from getting further. This left her head dangling down in a very uncomfortable pose, not that any position would feel comfortable right now but still, she'd managed to get herself in an even worse position. She tried to get her head back up but it was useless and her hands hurt when she tried to use her elbows again.
Stupid, she thought to herself and then she cursed herself until she passed out.

She woke up from the cold, her entire body was shaking and she felt damp all over. She felt feverish and she wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. She tried to control the shaking since it made every part of her body hurt. She made an attempt to scoot back up on the table but it was useless. She was stuck like this. She tried to focus her eyes, it was hard, they seemed to shift back and forth the whole time. She managed to focus on the floor for a bit. A drop fell from her and down making ripples in a puddle beneath her. Oh was she thirsty. She tried getting her tongue out of the ring in her mouth, maybe she could get to some of that dampness she could see in her own hair. But it was pointless, there was no water for her and looking at it, it looked like it might be blood anyway.

She heard the sound in the distance, the sound of him coming back. Cause it couldn't be someone else right? No one was coming for her right? She had no one in this world that cared for her now. Her sister was gone. Not that her sister had expressed it often, surely related to one of the numerous diagnosis she'd gotten over the years but it would've been nice to hear every now and then.

She heard the last door getting pushed open and then the familiar sound of his shoes shuffling a little against the uneven floor. His presence made her body tremble again but he walked right past her. Paid her no attention. She probably didn't even earn his attention. He walked over to the snake. Cerberus. He cooed her, seemed to feed her something. He then shuffled across the room again and that darn sound of the needle against the record player. If he at least could have better taste in music she thought to herself and almost made herself smile. But then his shoes were right underneath her face and she didn't feel like smiling as much. He was standing so close his thighs pushed against the back of her head. His hands came up on her shoulders and then they went down the side of her body. She wanted to scream and when his hands moved up over her back she tried to scream. Nothing was heard though, it was like her voice had been deprived her. He stroke his hands all over her back, getting stuck every now and then on a rough edge but he kept going.

"I'm going to have to leave you for a while," he suddenly said and she stopped her tries to scream.
"I have to catch the Sunday mass," he let her know and suddenly she felt like screaming 'no' instead. Please don't leave me. I don't want to be alone right now.
"I'll be back though, don't you worry," he tapped her back a little. Her breathe was stalking up in her throat and he seemed to pick up on it.
"Don't worry Shay, calm down," he said and stroked the back of her head, "The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him."

He walked towards the door and she might have been a bit calm but when he turned the lights off she felt less so. She tried screaming again as the heavy door set behind him.

No, please don't go, please don't leave me, she pleaded inside her head. She didn't want to be alone with her thoughts. Wasn't he the one who had said himself that her mind was deceitful? How could he leave her alone with it then? Cause he was right. She was deceitful, nothing but filthy and wicked. That's where she'd always ended up once she let her mind wander its own way. That's why she kept herself busy. She buried herself in her work, ran, watched sports, hung out with whatever friend would keep her company. She didn't want to be alone with her thoughts. Even Simon's company was better than being alone with her thoughts.

Hours later she was drifting in and out of consciousness. Hadn't he been gone for hours now? Or was it just minutes? Her sense of time wasn't all that great down here in the dark. But the record had ended so at least an hour had to have passed right? The needle seemed to have stuck and the sound it was making was annoying. Even the snake thought so, Amanda was having a conversation with him, no her, in her mind. What was his, no her, name again? She couldn't remember. She called her snake. Yes snake would have to do.

She had asked it if it wanted to be her family, she wasn't sure if that hissing was a sound of approval or disapproval though. She would just take it as a yes. Yes it was getting very hot in here. Not like the song, like just very hot. She could see grass on the floor, it looked comfortable, she wanted to lie down in it. When she tried to reach for it though something was in the way and the pain coming from the nail through her hand made her mind get a bit clearer for a while.

Not that it was such a good thing though. She preferred the close to hallucinating state. This was too real. Knowing where she was and who had brought her here and the fact he was missing. That was scarier. Was he ever coming back? Had he forgotten about her? Like her mom had forgotten about her so many times?

Being stranded at preschool, getting the concern looks from the teachers. Where was her mom? Had she really forgot her own daughter? And it wasn't the first time either did you know? Did you smell the alcohol on her breath last week? Maybe we should call someone? Maybe she can't take care of her daughter properly? You saw the bruise on her arm last week right? The girl said she got it while playing with her sister. A four year old wouldn't lie about that would she? No I'm sure her mom is just running late… again.

Why do you hate me mom? She knew the reason though. She'd asked the question once. Just once and never brought it up again. How old had she been? She had just started school right? Yes, and she had just started to wonder why it was she always managed to upset her mom. She tried to learn right from wrong but sometimes right was wrong and then wrong was right, there was no way of pleasing her mom. It had been one of those times, she'd gotten slapped over the face and then struck over her behind a few times for something that didn't make sense to the little girl.

"What did I do to you?" she asked, voice tiny and frail from the sobs that were still lingering in her throat. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand knowing her mom hated the tears. Sign of weakness she called them. Her mom had lit a smoke and was puffing away anger still evident on her entire stance. But Amanda just had to know what she'd done to upset her mom. Just not today, right now, but since always. And as her mom had turned to face her Amanda had shied back a little. The anger had flared on her mom's face but there was a glimpse of sadness right then, right when Amanda shied away and right when her mom realized what she was really asking. That sadness had been worse than the anger but it was the anger that charged her.

"What you did to me?" her mom yelled flipping the cigarette at her. Amanda jumped so it wouldn't hit her and she got sidetracked and was too late to avoid her mother's hand that grasped her hair harshly.

"You were born," she screamed straight into the little girl's face. Amanda was scared stiff and her mother's words made a devastating wound inside of her.

"You were born and I was stuck in this God forsaken good for nothing life. If you had never been born I wouldn't be stuck here. You ruin my life." And there it was. Amanda had felt it all her life but now she got it verbally and she would never ask again. She would just take what was coming to her, not always gracefully or even especially courageously, but she would take it and not question her mother's anger. She gave up on trying to please her mother and even though there was something relieving about not having to try and fail every time it still left her with a hole inside that would just never heal.

She had never even tried to heal it. She didn't trust anyone enough to share or that she even was worth to feel any better. Her lot in life was to take care of her sister. It was her only calling but not even that had she been able to do. Kim had worn her down but she'd found another calling, something else she was good at. Fighting crime and through it she helped others. If she couldn't help herself she could at least help others. It gave her meaning and it had worked for many years. But this was it. This was where it ended. She wished she hadn't failed with Kim though. That troubled her even now in this semi-conscious state.

She remembered the last time she'd seen her grandmother alive. She'd caught pneumonia that fall, she was healthy otherwise so the doctor said they didn't have to worry. It came unexpectedly. At a very bad time Amanda had selfishly thought back then. Her dad had passed that summer, not such a big deal but going back to school with all the whispers had been hard. Her father hadn't let them much and whatever he had left her mother had spent on booze and she'd been on a summer long bender. Her mom had spent a week in detox the week before her grandma's passing.

Amanda was taking care of their household and the state had paid them many visits lately. Their house was again threaten to get demolished and there had been talk about the sisters getting placement. Things were really looking bad. And then grandma got sick. Amanda of course tried to care for her too, bringing by grocery and reading her the paper when she was unfit to herself. But her grandma had seemed to have gotten better. The doctor had been by. Her lungs seemed clearer.

Thinking back her grandmother had probably known though. That last time Amanda saw her she'd grabbed her wrist and held on just a little tighter. And she'd struggled to get her hand up to her check but still managed to and her palm had been as warm and gentle as ever.

"You're my little trooper aren't you," she had whispered. Amanda had just smiled, probably been thinking about how she had to get home to get food on the table for her sister and recovering mother.
"Like a little soldier, your own little army," grandma looked sad through her smile, "I so wish you didn't have to be."
"I'm no army grandma, how can I be, I'm just me," Amanda smiled and placed a kiss on her grandma's palm as she grabbed it off her cheek. She really had to run.

Amanda started crying now. She wished she'd stayed that day with her grandma. Maybe if she'd sat by her bed, maybe then would she have caught her struggling to breathe? Maybe she could've saved her then. She and Kim could've moved in there, things would've been so much better. Grandma could've cured Kim with her love and her pecan pies. Mom wouldn't have interfered. Things would've been better. Just so much better.

Her grandma, her sister and pecan pie was on her mind as she started to drift away. She hoped she'd see her grandma and her sister there wherever she was going. She didn't believe in either heaven or hell, she just believed that when she would be able to hold her grandma and sister again she would feel whole for perhaps the first time in her life.


"For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's." (Romans 14:8)


Fin, Liv and Nick raced down the cold corridor towards zone F. There were a lot of officers guiding them with their flashlights and every dog they passed seemed overly excited like they'd hit the mother lode or something.
"You got her?" Fin shouted down the hall as they were reaching the end of it. An officer and his dog stepped out towards them and he held up his hand to slow them down.
"What?" Fin asked as the man shook his head slightly.

"I'm sorry, it's a body," he said and Fin felt like he couldn't breathe.
"No," he heard Liv gasp behind him and then she covered her mouth with her hand.

"Where?" Nick asked. The officer cocked his head towards some form of container a little further down. They could see some other officers shining their flashlights down into it having climbed the edges. One of them stepped down and puked by the side of the container. Without thinking Nick stepped up onto the railing and the moment he got up there he felt the stench that made everyone else's faces crumble. He covered his mouth and nose with his sleeve and looked down.

"This body is too decomposed," he said immediately and Fin and Liv quickly joined him up there.
"There's more than one," an officer commented on the other side of the container. The container looked almost like a compost, dirt was spread around and slightly over the female body. They could see a hand sticking up on the other side of the container.

"These are previous victims," Liv said and couldn't help but smile slightly.
"She's still alive, keep searching," Fin shouted.

"Down here," they heard a voice call out.
"Where?" Fin shouted back and again got guided by flashlights.
"There's a new lock on a door down here," an officer shouted further down this new hallway they were in.
"The keys," Liv panted, "You got Simon's keys right?" Her question was directed at Fin who was running two steps ahead of her.
"Yeah yeah," he answered having gotten them out of evidence before they left the station.

Once they reached the end of the hallway the officer was waiting by the giant door, holding the lock up so Fin easily could put the key in. Of course he struggled to get the key in the right way and it didn't help his hands were trembling like crazy. He let Liv take over and they got the lock up. It took Nick and the officer to get the heavy bar unhinged and then Fin had to huff and puff to get the heavy door open. Beams of flashlights told them they were facing another door but this one seemed without a lock.

"Can we find some fucking light?" Fin shouted and while he and Liv got the bar unhinged Nick managed to find a switch and bright fluorescent lights flickered on. Nick helped out to pull the heavy door open and then they came face to face with a large room. Beams of flashlights lit up tools on a wall, a chain hanging from the roof. There was an eerie sound coming from in there somewhere, like a stuck record player.

The beams finally all landed on a table or more so on the body shackled on top of it that made everyone gasp. Liv was the first one in, managing to break away from the initial shock.

"Amanda," she called out and broke the others from their stunned state too. Fin removed his jacket as he rushed forward wanting to cover up his partner who was completely naked on the table.

Someone managed to find the light switch and the light flickered on and made both Fin and Nick gasp at the state of Amanda's body. Liv was down by her head already trying to scrambled through her hair to find her face and hopefully her open eyes.

"Is she alive," Nick asked not daring to touch Amanda's battered body. Fin carefully put his jacked down over her lower body seeing how her back was all whipped raw.
"So cold," he whispered as he put his hand on her calf. She wasn't moving and he feared they'd come too late.
"The paramedics?" Nick turned and asked an officer. He just gave Nick a nod as to tell him they were on their way down.

Liv could feel something strapped around Amanda's head and when she finally got to her face she could see she had some kind of gag on.
"Help me," she desperately called out to Nick who was closest by.
"Get this off," she said as he kneeled down by her side and together they managed to get the gag off.

Liv kept repeating Amanda's name as she got her head up trying to get Amanda to open her eyes. Nick searched her neck for a pulse.
"She has a pulse," he shouted as he could feel a very weak but somewhat steady pulse. Fin almost felt as his legs crumbled underneath him and he had to brace himself against the table.

"But how do we..." Nick said and got Liv's attention. She saw what he was hinting at and her whole face crumbled as she put her hand on the heavy bolt rammed through Amanda's hand. She got up and saw that the other hand had endured the same brutal treatment.
"Her feet?" she almost shouted in terror and got Fin to finally move.
"Just shackles," he informed them as he put his hand on the midcentury looking restraint wrapped around her ankle. He could see that the bottom of her feet were a mess though.

"Oh my God," Liv breathed as she for the first time got a good look on Amanda's back. It looked grizzly. Some of the slashes were sloppy mended with thread, it looked like something out of a horror movie. The entire room looked like cut from a horror movie actually, Liv though to herself as she let her eyes move around.

"We need a bolt cutter," Nick shouted and rushed over to the wall with tools, "and some fucking saw or something." He tried to think quickly which wasn't easy in the agitated state he was in, that they were all in. He found a bolt cutter at least and when he turned back to the table he noticed Cragen and Munch standing gasping by the table.

"She's alive?" Cragen asked, paler than anyone had ever seen him before.
"Barely," Liv said not doing anything to hide the tears that fell down her cheeks. She sat back down not caring that her jeans got soaked with blood in the pool below Amanda's head. She'd gathered Amanda's hair on one side as she tried to get Amanda to wake up by rubbing her cheek and saying her name over and over again.

"For the shackles," Nick said and handed Fin the bolt cutter as he got back down on his knees to see if he could see where the bolts through Amanda's hand ended.
"We're going to need help with these," Nick shouted in desperation and felt some relief when Eli suddenly appeared by his side.
"Perhaps we can hammer from underneath?" he suggested and Nick told him to check the wall for a hammer.

Meanwhile Fin had cut the chains that shackled her feet and he came up to cut the chains that held her wrists. Fin cursed at the unnecessary ruthlessness, why the bolts when she was already wearing shackles around her wrists?

Two paramedics came rushing in and Fin saw one of them make a face at their patient's state. The other one asked Liv to step away.

"What's her name?" he asked her as he got the second glove on him.
"A-amanda," Liv told him.
"Amanda, can you hear me?" he asked while bending up her eye.
"She hasn't responded to anything," Liv told him. The other paramedic had gotten some gear out and Liv listen to them as they tossed a few medical terms back and forth. They finally seemed to settle on something.

"How long has she been down here?" the paramedic asked Liv.
"Five days," she told him and he then turned to his partner and told him they needed to up something. She could tell the other paramedic was preparing some sort of needle and a fluid bag.

"When can we move her?" the paramedic asked, aiming it at anyone who could answer. Nick just shook his head as he had no idea if they could get her loose.

Eli came back with a hammer and got down so he could try and pound the bolt out from below. Liv saw Amanda's hand move a little and it followed the bolt up as Eli managed to pound it up. It looked so very painful Liv had to shut her eyes for a moment. When she opened her eyes back up the second paramedic was standing in front of her checking Amanda's back.

"Respiration is way down," she heard the other medic say and she watched him remove a stethoscope that he'd pushed down between Amanda and the table.
"I'll get an Ambu bag ready," he said and started to prepare a bag valve mask. The other medic seemed to realize he didn't have the right equipment for the back and instead got going on hooking the fluids in.

Eli came around the table and started pounding underneath the other bolt while Nick tried to grab a hold of the other bolt and physically pull it out.

"Fuck this isn't working," he yelled. Fin came around with the bolt cutter but they realized the bolt was too thick at the top.
"What if you go underneath?" Nick asked and helped hold up Amanda's finger so he could get the tool in underneath. Fin tried to squeeze the tool but it got evident that wouldn't work either.

"Can you push it down?" Fin asked but just got a confused look from Nick. Nick got his hand out of the way as Fin moved in. He as carefully as possible pushed Amanda's hand back down on the nail. The skin was a little stuck to begin with but since the nail got thinner further down her hand slipped down rather easily. Both Nick and Fin felt a bit queasy but fought through it knowing they had to get their partner out of there, and fast.

"We need something as leverage," Fin said and Nick thought he knew the plan and rushed back over to the tool table.

Meanwhile Munch had seen to it that the stretcher got in and was ready for when they could finally lift her off the table.

"Sir can you help out here," the first medic asked Cragen as he needed help with the Ambu mask. Cragen hurried around.
"Squeeze every five second," the medic told him and Cragen nodded. The medic went on to check her pulse and the other one had managed to get a needle in Amanda's arm even though she was still attached to the table. He started squeezing the bag to get the fluid in her quickly.

"We need to move her stat," the first medic said and Fin tried the simple contraption he and Nick had built as leverage. To boths excitement it seemed to work and the nail started to slowly move. Fin used his hands to wiggle the nail free the last bit while Nick brought the tools over to her other hand were Liv and Eli didn't have any luck getting it out manually.

Liv looked over just as Fin got the nail out and he lifted Amanda's hand making Liv see straight through the hole and it made her stomach flip. She had to cover her mouth as she for a second could feel the terror Amanda must have been feeling having that nail be pounded through her. She could only hope Amanda hadn't been conscious through it. One of the medics took hold of Amanda's injured hand and wrapped it with gas.

Fin came around and more or less pushed Eli out of the way so he could help Nick with removing the other nail. Once it got loose Fin pulled it out with his bare hands, leaving her hand on the table. Eli somehow already had a roll of gas in his hand and he started wrapping her hand up.

"Okay let's get her out of here," the second medic said and pulled up Fin's jacket to use it as an extra layer to protect her injured back as they would have to flip her over. Liv took the fluids bag from the medic so he could help with the transfer and she watched them skillfully flip her over in the air once they'd lifted her up. Liv got the line in underneath and followed them over to the stretcher. Cragen was still pumping air into the limp body.

Nick went out ahead to make sure they had a clear path. It wouldn't be a problem though, the officers were lined up guiding them with their flashlights whenever the light was a little dingy. There was a somehow both calm and eerie vibe in the air. Liv and Cragen followed the stretcher as they had their duties and Fin was right behind just following seeing how his mind was completely blank at the moment. The steep staircases caused them some trouble but with joint efforts they got her up into the dark night sky. Liv rode with Amanda in the ambulance and the rest followed in a caravan, lights flashing. At the hospital Amanda was quickly whisked away and they were disappointedly told to wait behind.

They had to wait for what to them felt like forever but were in fact just above an hour. No one really wanted to leave in case someone would come out to brief them so they were left in the waiting area with obvious signs of the trauma they'd come upon tonight. Fin, Nick and Liv all had Amanda's blood on their hands. The knees of Liv's pants were stained by dark, dried blood. A nurse who'd seen them and knew of the ordeal that had taken place came in and asked Liv if she wanted to change into a pair of scrubs. Liv's first thought had been to decline but as she saw her squad's pale faces and their frightened eyes as they got aware of the blood made her accept the offer. The nurse took her with her and told the others she would bring some wipes for them. Liv hurried back carrying her new green scrub pants and some wipes in her hands that she handed to Fin and Nick. Cragen had gotten a phone call as she was gone and now came back over. They all looked at him with curious eyes.

"They have three bodies so far, two female, one male," Cragen briefed them, "they think they'll find more though."
"Please tell me we can tie him to this," Fin grunted. Cragen nodded.
"It won't be a problem," he just said and Fin was able to take a deep breath. Nick looked relieved too.
"What have they found?" Liv asked having kept her eyes on their captain. He shot her a look and then looked Fin and Nick's way before he came back to her again.
"His semen by the table," Cragen said through a set jaw. Fin twisted his fists feeling rage brewing in his gut again.
"Was it all her blood? On the floor, the table, all of it hers?" Liv asked not being able to hold back even though she knew it was impetuous and perhaps inconsiderate in front of her already struggling squad. Cragen just nodded though and touched her arm gently.

"He's going down hard," Nick said as much to himself as to the others. While Cragen nodded both Liv and Fin felt as hard wasn't enough. There was just no punishment, no court sentence, that could make Simon pay enough for what he'd done. For what he'd done to Amanda and for what all those other women would have had to endure down there in that room they'd just left. They'd only been in there for minutes. How did you feel after an hour? After a day? Days? And after having endured that medieval torment? Liv met Fin's eyes but had to turn away as she felt a tear escape.

Fin had to look away too, burying his face in his hands trying to control his anger. They scattered for a bit. Nick and Liv kept pacing the waiting room which they thankfully had to themselves. Cragen had a seat on the other side of the room giving Fin some privacy. Cragen had left Eli and Wilson to deal with the crime scene, he felt completely secure letting them handle it and frankly felt relieved he didn't have to. Nor did he want his team to have to either.

Finally a doctor stepped in asking if they were there for Amanda Rollins. Everyone nodded franticly as they gathered around him.
"She's doing fine," he said to get everyone to calm down a bit. "For what she's been through she's doing remarkably well." Everyone was able to pull a deep breath.
"Having said that though, she has a few serious injuries and she's fighting a fever. We're giving her pain relief, supplements for dehydration and also blood. Surprisingly nothing seems broken, not even in her hands but there is a very high risk there's nerve damage. We're also treating the burns on her feet..."

"Can we see her?" Fin asked interrupting the doctor. The doctor looked reluctant.
"We're working on her back right now, we had to remove some poorly done stitches and we're trying to clean it up. It's going to take some time."
"But when you're done?" Fin asked eager to see her.
"She's heavily medicated, she won't be awake…"
"I just want to see her," everyone heard the desperation in his voice.
"Okay," the doctor said not able to deny the distraught man his one wish, "I'll come get you once we've brought her to a ward." Fin looked thankful and backed away a bit feeling like he needed air.

"What other injuries does she have?" Liv asked a bit hesitant and lowered her voice a little.
"Lacerations around her wrists and ankles. She has abrasions going down one side of her body. Hematomas on her knees. She has small puncture wounds and multiple contusions all over her body but more concentrated on her back side. She has some sort of animal bite on her chest area."
"Snake," Nick said having seen the snake in the terrarium in the room.
"Very likely yes," the doctor said before turning back to Liv, "There's a small incision on her throat and she has some oral trauma as well."
"She had a gag on when we found her," Liv told him, "one with a metal ring inside her mouth."
"That would be the cause of it then," the doctor acknowledged.

"Did I understand it right she'd been held captive for five days?" Liv nodded at the doctor's question.
"Yes, she's really dehydrated and I figured it wasn't just by the fever. And she's also malnourished but to me it looks more prolonged than five days." Again Liv just nodded, they'd seen her weight loss weeks ago.

"Have you done a...," Liv felt reluctant to ask but still did, "An internal exam?"
"You mean for sexual trauma?" This doctor obviously didn't beat around the bush which Liv appreciated.
"Yeah," Liv said and bit down on her lip not really feeling prepared for the blunt answer. The doctor shook his head though.

"She's bruised all over, it's hard to say just looking at her. You want me to do a rape kit?" Liv looked briefly to Cragen but then turned back and nodded at the doctor.
"We need all the evidence we can get to nail," Liv choked as the image of Amanda's pierced hand flashed through her mind but she bit down quickly, "this bastard," she managed to finish.
"Okay, you want to bring your own guys in for the rest?" Liv looked to Cragen to make the call.
"Yeah, we should probably get a CI in here," he said and fumbled for his phone.
"Okay, I'll make sure no one cleans her before your CI gets here. Tell them to page Dr Sanford when they arrive."

Liv and Cragen gave the doctor appreciating nods before he walked out. Cragen got on the phone right away. Liv caught Fin's eyes over the captain's shoulder. He looked as though he was about to fall to pieces and she just felt like she had to hug him even if he didn't want her to. She rounded her captain and walked straight up to Fin and wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt his hesitance but took a deep breath when he finally wrapped his arms around her waist. She rubbed the back of his head and turned her head a little so her mouth ended up closer to his ear.

"You'll get to see her soon," she whispered and could feel his breath stalk up a little by her words.
"Soon," she said again as she let him go, she'd felt his arms fall back down and knew he wanted the intimacy to stop. She dragged her hand over his cheek before she let him go completely though and she smiled through tears. She could tell he was fighting to not cry and she didn't take offence as he turned around and walked over to the window. Liv turned around too, wiping her tears a little and she caught Nick's eyes. He too looked in need of a hug and she wasn't late to respond. They held on for a while, no one said anything until Cragen interrupted them as he got off the phone.

"They're sending someone over asap," he informed them.

They had to wait for another hour. A female CI turned up and Cragen helped her get inside to dr Sanford. Fin stayed on his feet the entire time they were waiting, he paced the area down by the windows. Nick had close to fallen asleep on a chair and Cragen looked just as wiped on another seat across the room. Liv had a seat too but even though she felt completely exhausted she would not be able to rest until she'd seen Amanda.

Finally Dr Sanford came back and Liv got Cragen and Nick on their feet. The CI was with him and she told them she would head straight back to the station and get the evidence processed. Cragen thanked her and then they rode up with the doctor. He informed them of his foundings during the rape kit. He hadn't found any semen inside Amanda and unfortunately he could either rule or rule out a sexual assault. She showed signs of tearing inside but it looked older than a few days. Liv just nodded but kept the previous assault to her squad for the time being.

Dr Sanford's beeper went off as they reached the ward and he told them he would hand them over to a nurse but he'd be on call all night and would be there if they had any questions. He added that Amanda was in most need of rest right now so they could not stay too long, he of course didn't know Fin and that he already had decided he would not leave his partner's side. Maybe ever.

The nurse took them inside a private room with somewhat dim lighting. Amanda was on her side facing a way from them. Fin hustled around the bed and Liv took the other side as Cragen and Nick slowly made their way over to the bed. Fin took it all in. She looked way better than where they'd found her but she was still a scary sight. She was hooked up to a machine that kept track on her vitals, he knew which one was monitoring her heart, that line was easy to track but he had no idea what the other numbers were supposed to be. Putting his hand on the side of her face he could tell she was warm though, too warm, which was a complete turnaround from the way she'd felt down in that hell hole.

She had a tiny oxygen line underneath her nose. She was hooked up to a bag of blood and to two other lines hooked to some bags with clear substances. He was happy her face was unharmed and looked calm even though she felt warm under his touch. The rest of her looked bad though. Her hands were resting in front of her, gas covering her hands and going down over her wrists. She was wearing a gown but the dressing on her back were sticking out through the short arm on that gown and as well through the gap in the back of it. A sheet covered some of her body but her legs were sticking out showing off compresses on her feet, gas wrapped around her ankles as well as some of those contusions and puncture wounds the doctor had told them about.

Liv carefully put her hand on Amanda's arm and leaned down to place a kiss on her hair seeing how Fin had claimed Amanda's cheek already. Before today, and maybe not after Amanda had woken again, could Liv see herself doing this but the moment called for it and she couldn't help herself.

"You're safe now," she whispered once she'd taken a few seconds just resting her forehead against Amanda's head.

Cragen and Nick excused themselves after just a short while. They both seemed very taken by the moment or perhaps exhaustion was claiming them. No one blamed them and neither Fin nor Liv minded getting Amanda to themselves. Fin would stay the night though, and the days following, and Liv lingered a bit that night.

The nurse came in after a while and checked Amanda's vitals. She wrote them down on a sheet hanging from the side of her bed.
"She's doing okay?" Liv asked her and the nurse nodded.
"You're friend is sleeping very peacefully, fever hasn't broken but she's medicated and not in any distress right now," the older nurse smiled at Liv and Liv thanked her before she turned to the door.

The doctor checked in, seemed a little displeased to still find them there but didn't say anything as he could tell they were letting his patient sleep. And of course they were. Neither one of them would ever do anything that could hurt her. Fin was leaning on the bed in front of her, resting his head in his hands. He wanted to touch her but didn't dare to, her hands looked fragile with all that bandages around them. Liv had almost the same position but behind Amanda's sleeping form. She however touched her every now and then, just stroking her hair a little, repositioning it over the bed and pillow.

None of them spoke but still kept each other company. The room, at first glance, probably seemed completely silent but after you'd been there for some time you could just make out the beeping of the machine, just barely heard in rhythm with the heart monitor. You could also hear her breathing steadily and deeply if you listen closely which both of them were doing. Those two sounds put together gave the room a tranquil feeling. Liv could feel she was losing the battle with her exhaustion and knew she should head out of there so her snores wouldn't disturb either Amanda or Fin.

She felt secure Amanda was resting peacefully but wanted to make sure Fin would be okay on his own. She reached up and put the back of her hand against Amanda's temple knowing that would catch Fin's attention.

"She feels just a little bit cooler," she whispered even though it was a lie, Amanda felt just as warm under her touch. Fin didn't move, nor did his face but he did meet Liv's eyes.
"I'm so happy we have her back," Liv whispered and shot him a smile. He held her eyes for a bit, his face looked grim and then he turned his eyes down on the sleeping form between them.

"But do we," he tried whispering but his voice was hoarse, Liv wasn't following.
"Do we really have her back?" he asked and caught Liv's eyes again.
"Can you ever come back from something like this?"


Note: So this was always supposed to be a survivor story. I don't think I can write any other, even if I tend to go dark for me there's always light somewhere (at least I need to believe that). I couldn't tell you in advance though cause then it would've ruined the suspense. I'm sorry (well a little bit).

And just a quick briefing from the dark chambers of my brain – I needed to really break Amanda down before Simon got to her cause I think that it in some twisted way actually saved her. If she'd gone down in that hellhole as 'Amanda' she would've been kicking and screaming and basically just died. Now she was close to being saved by Simon and it gave her time to be saved by her squad. Not sure if that makes sense but to me it does.

I'm not sure when this fanfic will wrap up but there will be some closure for Amanda and the squad, just haven't figured out just where to land, I mean just as Fin said - can you come back from something like this? I'll explore it but there will be some kind of closure and there will also be a chapter coming up with Simon giving testimony and I think it might surprise you just who will conduct it…
Reviews = love!