It's a long while later before they finally work the last bit of lust out of their systems. Each time they'd think they were finally done, one of them would throw out a clever quip and start things rolling again, each time letting them catalogue maneuvers to make the other come unbound. But now, still lying in bed, sated, cuddled together with nothing but the thin, white bedsheet separating parts of their skin that aren't in contact, they silently lay together, with her huddled into the cove of his side with his arm around her.

She's never just laid with someone like this, for hours. The only times she hasn't wanted to get out of bed is when she wouldn't get enough sleep. But with Castle, having his arm hug her into him while she lays her hand down on his bare chest, legs tangled together, her mind being lulled by the feeling of his fingers softly petting her shoulder, she wants the outside world to just forget about them so they can just stay here.

But Castle's mind couldn't be in a more different place. He knows she's not asleep by the way she's fiddling with his chest hair with her fingers. The air is thick with a one sided silence. He can probably guess that she's blissfully comfortable right where she is, hugging herself to him after a long mid-day of love-making, if she uses that term. He is.

But the words, the guilt, the lies, the shame are all swirling in his mind, betraying the significance that lying in bed with her completely nude should hold to him. He feels sick with himself, there's a few passing thoughts that try to justify his actions, or lack thereof, but all in all, he feels completely undeserving of the angel cuddled into the side of his body.

His conscience can't just let him have this. His desire for her won out, and he is trying to defend himself by saying that he tried to tell her, even as she literally threw herself at him, but she wouldn't let him. He could have been more forceful, but when a beautiful woman he's been in love with for longer than he probably realizes is working on the buttons to his shirt, he only has so much will power to arm himself with.

But he's only just starting to pay for it. "Beckett." He cuts through the silence.

To her, the air is soft, cozy even. She loves being here with him. She honestly can't recall a time she felt this more at peace, where there's no problem in the world. She knows that there is, but none of them are here, in this room, bothering her when she's with Castle. And when he softly calls her, her eyes drift shut at the feeling of his chest vibrate as his voice resonates in her ears.

"Hmm?" She answers back, turning her head up to look up at him, her chin resting on his chest as he stares at the ceiling.

"Why didn't you give me a chance sooner?" It's not what he wanted to say, not by a long shot. If anything, it runs counter to what he needed to say.

She spreads her palm out against his abdomen and resettles herself against him. "I didn't think I was ready." She simplifies the complex issue, knowing he won't accept it.

"Ready how?"

"I wasn't lying about everything, Castle. When I told you about that wall I put up, I was being honest. I just didn't think I was ready to be with you with that wall still there. I knew that if I were to give us a shot while that wall was still there, it wouldn't be right." She explains softly, suppressing the sudden thought that she's confessing things she only ever said to Burke. She moves up, out of the warm cove of his body and shell of his arm around her and lays her head next to his on the pillow beside him.

He wanted to steer the conversation in a different direction, but these are things he feels he deserves to hear, after everything he's put himself through to get here with her.

She reaches over and puts her hand on his cheek, brushing her thumb across his cheekbone before reaching down to grab his hand. "You deserve someone who could give their best self to you, Castle, and I knew that if I just jumped into it with you, I wouldn't be that for you. But I wanted to be. So I asked you to wait until I was. I knew I couldn't move forward until this case was closed. I couldn't jump into it with both feet with that case still open."

Castle blinks and squeezes her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. "What changed?"

She flashes him a brief, warm smile, "I realized I could have both." It's not the answer he wanted, and it shakes him, but he makes it a point not to make it visual. "I only got this far in my case because of you, Castle. I only even have a shot at getting justice for my mother because of you digging it up in the first place and helping me."

He also got her shot, and is probably singularly responsible for the uprooting of her entire life. But she clearly can't see that.

"I'm going to get the people that killed my mother and Montgomery, and the people who shot me, and I'm going to do it with my partner beside me, but I'm not going to let it stop me from being in a relationship I want any longer. He can do it with me."

"What if they kill you, Kate?" He asks, pushing back against the unbreakable layer of certainty she seems to be putting on. "Your partner can't handle losing you to this again."

"That's why you're my partner, Castle." She says with a warm smile, putting her other hand on his, securing it in a firm grip. "As weird as it sounds, it's you that keeps me grounded. I've lost myself in this case before, but with you… you keep me tethered. You keep me in control, and…" She draws in a long breath, looking down at her hands encasing his, "I want you beside me when I do find the person behind all this."

He breathes a heavy breath. "Kate," He starts, his voice low and gruff as he sits up on an elbow, looking down at her soft smile, "I love you." He says, watching as her smile grows. "I want to end this case because I can't move forward without you, but you have to understand something. You're the only part of this case that I want."

She reaches up and softly touches his cheek again, "I know."

"I want this case to end so we can focus that energy on the future, but I can't do that if they kill you. And I told you already, I'll do whatever it takes if it means keeping you safe."

"Castle, what are you saying?" She asks naively.

He averts his eyes and feels his jaw click. "What if we can't do it?" He asks, his blood running nervously through his veins. "What if we never find out who's behind all this, Kate?"

"We will." She answers confidently. "I know we will."

He can tell when her mind is made up, when there's no convincing her. If he tells her now, she'll put her head down, close her eyes, and run straight at these people. Despite what she says, there's only so much he can do without just lying to her… as he has been. He cranes his neck and closes his eyes, feeling her hand cup his jaw just a moment after. He opens his eyes and finds her looking up at him with shining eyes and an arched brow. "I just don't want to lose you to this, Kate." He says as steadily as he can.

"That's why I need you with me, Rick. So we can do it together. You won't lose me if I'm right here…" She starts, gently pushing on his jaw to guide him back to her, "right?"

She has no idea what he means. He just feigns a smile and leans down, pressing his lips to her, hoping that the feeling of kissing her will rid his veins of the cold guilt. It seems to work as she snakes her arm around his neck and tugs him down to her, and he gives in, rolling back over her and pulling at her leg to wrap it around him.

He knows it's not right. She basically admitted to him that he will never be enough for her. He wanted desperately to be that for her, to be the one that would make her life whole. He wishes it could just be him alone, and that it wouldn't feel as if she's just using him as a means to an end. He would think of himself as a goal for her, their relationship being something for her to strive for when she does close this case.

But what good is it if meeting that goal gets her killed? What then? He feels himself shutter with heartbreak at the thought of her resigning to her fate and just 'settling' for him, accepting that she can never find whoever's behind everything, but she tries to heal it with her hand pressing against his hair, deepening the sweet motions of her soft lips.

Honesty will get her killed, and continuing to lie to her will kill him. He just wants to be enough for her.

He feels weak as he feels his eyes burn, knowing he never will be.


Closing the door behind him, he lets out a very heavy breath, his shoulders feeling heavy as he pulls off his jacket, his hand grabbing onto the flashdrive in his pocket that he never showed her. After hanging his jacket up in the closet, he goes into his office, throwing himself down in his chair, tossing the flashdrive in the center of his desk and putting his face in his hands.

It's a long couple of minutes before his mother finds him in the dark. "Richard?" She calls, flicking on the switch to the lights. "I take this to mean it didn't go well." She concludes and meanders toward his desk.

He sighs, guilt-ridden and throws himself back in his chair. "I didn't tell her." Martha gives him a slow nod, silently asking him for the details. "We spent… all day, just lying in each other's arms, making love, until I finally worked up enough courage to bring up her case." He says, his voice starting to raise with frustration.

"But… you didn't tell her?"

"She said in a matter of words, that she won't stop until she finds the person behind all this. And knowing her, she won't have any regard for her own life while she does."

"Are you going to tell her?"

"If she won't have any regard for her own life, I have to, Mother." He says heavily, reaching for the remote sitting on the edge of his desk, turning on the smartboard against the wall. "If I tell her that there's someone out there that knows everything, and that I've talked to him, she'll put her head down and run head first at him. And I'm left behind, having to watch the woman I love get eaten alive."

"Well, dear, maybe she'll understand. Maybe, once you tell her why you did what you did, she'll see that you were just protecting her."

"That's not the way she'll see it, Mother."

"Oh, how are you so sure?" She asks sassily.

"Because that's not how I'd write it."

"Richard, this is not one of your novels, and Kate Beckett is not Nikki Heat. She has her fair share of problems, as we all do, but she is smart, and she loves you."

"She told me what's most important to her, Mother, and it's not me. I wish I was, I wish more than anything I was, but I'm not. And if I tell her now… I won't have any choice but to give her up."

"And why is that?" Martha challenges, frustrated with her son's flip-flopping on the issue.

"Because she'll get herself killed. Smith can only keep her safe as long as she stays away from the case, and if I tell her about him, she'll put blinders on and go straight for him, and after that, they won't stop until she's dead."

"Richard…" His mother soothes, coming around to the other side of the desk and leaning against the edge, "don't you think that Beckett deserves a bit more faith?"

"She's failed this test every time it's been given to her, Mother. She only stopped because I made her a promise that we'd pick it up again. She's not like me. I'd choose her over finding the people who shot her in a heartbeat, but… every time she's been given that choice, she's never chosen me. I wish…" He stops, scolding himself for feeling his eyes burn, "I wish that I had the faith that she'd open her eyes, but…" He shakes his head looking up to the smartboard, seeing her picture in the center, smiling over to him, "She's made her decision time and time again, and it's never been me."

"So… why not tell her, Richard. Why put yourself through this?"

He forces his eyes closed and breathes a shaky breath, opening his eyes back up to the concerned look of his mother. "Because I love her."


A/N: Pleasantly surprised with the response from the last chapter. I'll try to work in another love scene like that before the end of the story. Let me know what you think of this chapter, also. :)