Chapter eleven
Ritsuka glanced down, seeing Soubi's much larger hand covering his and blushed, scooting closer to the older man. Soubi and Ritsuka were in the backseat of Kio's car with Kio driving them back to the apartment complex. Soubi had temporarily regained his memories in reaction to seeing Ritsuka get hit. Some chemical reaction had happened where the blockage in his brain created by a spell had lifted, leaving him with his memories for a few hours. Ritsuka was happy, since Soubi had gotten Kiyoshi to consent to Ritsuka staying with Kio and him. Misaki had been nowhere in sight, though Ritsuka assumed she had locked herself in her bedroom when she had heard the commotion.
"Hey, Ritsuka," Soubi nudged him lightly. "Can I still come to your graduation?"
"Oh god," Kio groaned jokingly from the front seat. "Not this again. Ritsuka, before all this happened, all he would talk about was you graduating and he would annoy all of us who worked with him in class with his bragging about you."
Ritsuka leaned against Soubi, looking up at him, "Really?"
The smile that Soubi gave Ritsuka made him blush even more, "I'm proud of you." Ritsuka couldn't remember anyone except for Seimei ever saying that to him. "You are graduating top of your class, after all."
"It's not that great," Ritsuka brushed the comment off, though the compliment made him happier than he'd like to admit. Soubi was proud of him, something that no one else in Ritsuka's life but Soubi had told Ritsuka. Seimei had told him the same thing back when he was around, but Ritsuka couldn't be sure now if he had meant it. Ritsuka wasn't sure about anything about Seimei, anymore, except that he was the one who attacked Soubi and they both had something to with Ritsuka's memory loss. That, and Seimei didn't want Soubi to know about the real causes of Ritsuka's amnesia.
Ritsuka leaned his head on Soubi's shoulder, wanting to savor the short time they had together before Soubi lost his memory again. One part of him honestly still didn't want Soubi to lose his memory again.
The rest of the ride was nearly silent. It was dark out, meaning that Ritsuka's nap with Soubi had been longer than expected.
"Kio," Soubi said softly as they arrived at the apartment complex. "I apologize, but I would like to talk with Ritsuka alone."
Kio leaned towards him and said something softly, something that made Soubi smile slightly and agree. Ritsuka took his bag of clothes and other things and got out of car, leaving Soubi and Kio alone to talk for a few minutes. Ritsuka looked up at the tall apartment complex, thinking about something Seimei had said in one of the recordings, a statement about the horrible nightmares both Ritsuka and Soubi had.
Seimei had been watching them and ordering those terrible dreams upon them. As a result, Ritsuka often had dreams about Seimei taking Ritsuka away, or, more commonly, dreams about Soubi. Soubi was in nearly all of Ritsuka's dreams, good or bad. Ritsuka sometimes dreamed about simply going to the park with him or other thoughtless, happy dreams. There were the wet dreams, too, the ones that made Ritsuka fight off a blush whenever he thought about them. Then there were the bad dreams about Soubi, ones that were so vivid and real that Ritsuka would wake up in tears, truly believing that they had been real. In these dreams, Ritsuka would watch Soubi get violently killed by Seimei, or have him get taken away from him.
"Are you okay, Ritsuka?" Ritsuka turned back around at Soubi's voice, watching as the headlights on Kio's car faded off into the distance.
"I'm fine," He told Soubi quietly. "Just…thinking."
"About what?" Soubi gently took the heavy bag from Ritsuka's hands and slung it over his shoulder, offering his hand out to Ritsuka.
Ritsuka cast another glance up, wondering how Seimei 'watched' them. He might have had bugs or tiny cameras, but that seemed unlikely for Seimei. His style was more watching them himself, coming in the dead of night and watching them unexpectedly. He was probably still doing it. Ritsuka could just imagine how pissed off his brother would be, knowing that his plan had not worked and Ritsuka had stayed with Soubi. It gave Ritsuka some sort of strange satisfaction to realize that Seimei had underestimated Ritsuka's feelings for Soubi.
What had he expected when he told Soubi to love Ritsuka? Maybe he had just wanted them to become friends or for Ritsuka to become acquainted with Soubi. It was obvious that they were never supposed to fall in love, or at least Ritsuka was never supposed to fall in love with Soubi. Soubi was dirty and a 'monster' in Seimei's eyes, and he had expected his brother to think the same thing about him. He hadn't realized that his little brother's mindset was very different from his own, though, and that tiny mistake might have cost him his entire plan. Ritsuka didn't believe people were 'dirty' and he didn't like to think of people as dogs, either, even if a person would obey someone's every command. He didn't believe in violence, either, while his older brother so obviously did.
"…Those recordings," Ritsuka took Soubi's hand, wanting to change the conversation. "Soubi, you're always so warm…"
Soubi didn't say anything about the recordings, though he did begin to lead him inside the complex. "Does that surprise you?"
Ritsuka nodded, thinking about something he had read on the internet once, "I just thought a man like you would have cold hands…"
Soubi's expression suddenly changed into something unreadable and Ritsuka revaluated what he had said. "Do you think I'm a cold person, Ritsuka?"
No! That wasn't what he had meant. It had just come out wrong, just like everything always did with him. This time, he had made Soubi think that he thought badly of him, which wasn't true at all. He looked up to Soubi, since he was the main adult figure in Ritsuka's life and was a very loving, gentle man to those close to him. To others, he was cold and sarcastic, but that didn't matter.
"That's not what I meant!" Ritsuka said franticly, trying to express what he had really been thinking. "I just read this article one time that said that people who smoke usually have really cold hands, but you don't, so I thought that was a little odd. You're always so warm and… and…" Ritsuka stopped his fast speech, dropping his gaze from Soubi's in embarrassment. He was blushing again and doing his best to hide it. He was thirteen now, so he thought he shouldn't blush like a little girl anymore, but Soubi always had this affect on him, whether he liked it or not.
Soubi's expression had softened and he squeezed Ritsuka's hand, letting him know that he understood. Soubi always had a way with communication, whether it was verbal on nonverbal. This helped when his memories were gone, when he could only express himself through motions and expressions. When he had suddenly gotten his memories back, he was just like how he was before his attack—able to thoroughly communicate verbally and nonverbally.
The rest of the walk and climb up sets of stairs and ride on elevators was silent, but Ritsuka still had thousands of questions going through his head. He wasn't sure which one to ask first and he was afraid he would somehow combust if he didn't at least get one out. He tried to sort them by importance, but he couldn't keep track of them.
Ritsuka had to unlock the door since Soubi didn't have a set of keys, as no one had been planning on him getting a sudden adrenaline rush and regaining his memories. It was beginning to rain again by the time they got inside. Ritsuka was just happy to come back to the place he thought of as home, and Soubi seemed like he was, too. Ritsuka suddenly wondered if Soubi remembered his time without his memories, or if that was just a blank spot of time for him.
As soon as Soubi had off his coat and shoes, Ritsuka was clinging onto him fiercely, hugging him tightly. He couldn't help himself. All the frustration from Seimei and what had happened in the past week or so was coming out, everything that had made Ritsuka angry over his brother, the loss over Soubi's memories, it was all coming out like this. He hid his face in Soubi's shirt, not wanting the person he loved and looked up to seeing what Ritsuka was really feeling.
Soubi was gently picking him up, carrying his crying Sacrifice into the bedroom bridal-style. Ritsuka clung onto his neck, unable to do much else. Everything was so confusing now. Ritsuka's life wasn't the same as it had been just one week ago. He probably wasn't even the same person as he was a week ago. At least he had a little bit of time with Soubi to ask him all the questions he had and to cry in his arms. Tomorrow, Soubi wouldn't have his memories and Ritsuka would go back to having to teach him.
"I'm so sorry, Ritsuka," Soubi murmured, setting Ritsuka down on the bed. Ritsuka tugged at him, getting him to lay on the bed him. "I should have said something."
Ritsuka knew what Soubi was trying to say. He was apologizing for not telling Ritsuka what was happening/going to happen, even though it was completely unnecessary, as Ritsuka just realized when Soubi said his apology. If Soubi had told him before, Ritsuka would have absolutely freaked out. He wouldn't have been able to understand why and he probably would've refused to believe that his brother would hurt Soubi in such a way. There wasn't any way Ritsuka would have willingly listened to those recordings if Soubi would tried to show them to him. Before Soubi's attack, Ritsuka held his brother to the highest respect. He had looked up to his brother even more than he looked up to Soubi, but not anymore. He didn't know what he felt for his brother, but it certainly wasn't respect. He still loved Seimei, though not as much as before, and he was absolutely furious at him. Ritsuka could recall being asked who he wanted to be like at the beginning of seventh grade and Ritsuka had written down his brother's name without thinking. If he was asked again, he would definitely say Soubi.
"It's okay, Soubi," Ritsuka pulled him close again. Soubi was shaking hard for some reason. He appeared to be scared of something, but Ritsuka couldn't figure out what. Seimei was the obvious choice, but there was no trace of him, no shadows outside the windows or on the balcony, no noises to allude to someone watching them. Nothing was out of place. There was no sign of Seimei, so there was nothing for Soubi to be afraid of. "What's wrong?"
Soubi was hiding his face, now, pressing it into Ritsuka's neck and hair. Ritsuka assumed that he was crying, but he couldn't tell, and he didn't think Soubi would want him to know if he was.
"Ritsuka…" The boy barely heard Soubi when he whispered his name. "…You haven't left yet."
Ritsuka grabbed Soubi's shoulders and forced the young man to look into his eyes. "He was wrong and you know it," Ritsuka was shocked at how firm and solid his voice came out. "Listen to me, Soubi. I will not leave you. I don't care if you don't even remember your own name. That doesn't change how I feel about you."
Soubi sat up, pulling Ritsuka into his lap for another crushing hug. "Why, Ritsuka? Why would you want to stay with me after all this? It's not fair to you. I don't understand why you don't leave and find yourself a normal boyfriend."
Ritsuka pulled away, his ears flattening against his head as he stared up at Soubi in the darkness of the room. "I love you. I'm not going to leave you, Soubi. Please don't believe Seimei. He doesn't understand how much I care about you. I will take care of you through this. There's absolutely nothing you could do to make me leave. If you lie to me…hurt me… kidnap me…I don't care; I'll still love you."
Soubi didn't speak for a long time, but he held onto Ritsuka's arms tightly, hanging his head, his long blonde hair hiding his face. Ritsuka saw, just then, really how much Seimei had broken Soubi. He had hurt him so much and destroyed his life, making it so that there was no way Soubi could psychologically escape Seimei or even be normal. No way, unless Soubi lost his memory.
"This…taking care of me…" It took Ritsuka a moment to register that Soubi was talking. "…It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be a short job, either. You're going to have to deal with me like that for a long time."
"Idiot," Ritsuka teased playfully, hoping that Soubi wouldn't think he was truly degrading him. "You don't think I don't know that? I already promised you that I would do it. Do you think I'll quit just because it'll take awhile? Don't worry. I'm not going to leave you."
"Thank you," Soubi took a deep, shaking breath and looked up, his expression changing into something happier. "I'll help you unpack."
Ritsuka nodded and noticed Soubi shivering a little. He frowned, worried a little, even though it wasn't the violent shaking from before. "Soubi, are you cold?" He asked, although the temperature was fine for himself.
"A little."
"I'll go turn the thermostat up. Stay here," Ritsuka retreated into the main room, quickly finding the thermostat and turning it up a few notches. He tried to turn a light on, but the storm going on outside must've knocked it out. He remembered where Soubi kept the candles, as this had happened once before a couple months ago. When he came back into the bedroom with his arms full of candles, he found that Soubi had pulled a sweatshirt on and cleared out a couple drawers in his dresser.
"I'm happy you're finally moving in," Soubi smiled as Ritsuka started to set the candles up and light them. It gave some light to the dark room and it made it a little warmer, which was good for Soubi, since he looked cold.
"Mom took it a little far," Ritsuka said, lighting the last candle as he did so. He opened his duffle bag, starting to take out the contents.
Soubi came over to help him, handling the photos that Ritsuka gave to him carefully. "You weren't hurt too badly, were you?"
Ritsuka shook his head, not wanting to tell Soubi that he had nearly frozen to death and he would've died if Kio hadn't come when he did. That would only make Soubi worry even more than he already was. Stress was the last thing Ritsuka wanted Soubi to have, especially when their time together was so limited.
"Good god, what happened in here?" Soubi was glancing around the room, looking at all the splashes of color on the walls and the floor.
Ritsuka tried his hardest not to laugh, handing Soubi the last few photographs. Despite himself, a small giggle escaped him, "You did. Don't you remember?"
Soubi touched a bright pink splatter on the red wall, smirking, "Sort of. It's blurry. I suppose that when I lose everything again, these few hours will become blurry, too. You know…" Ritsuka stopped unpacking, giving his full attention to Soubi. "I only started painting with bright colors after I met you. I don't really know how it happened. The colors just started slipping in and Kio said my artwork became a lot better."
Ritsuka mentally compared a painting of Soubi's he had seen when they first met to the one Soubi had been working on just before his attack. The first one had been a lot darker, painted with grays and blacks and dark, dark reds. It had been depressing. All Soubi seemed to paint back then were butterflies and the occasional miserable, wilting flower. Then, as Ritsuka and he had gotten closer, Soubi started painting brighter things and things other than butterflies and flowers. One of Ritsuka's favorites was a beautiful nighttime cityscape Soubi had done as a project for finals in December. He had begun drawing, too, not just painting.
There were a few moments of comfortable silence before Ritsuka asked the next question on his mind, "Did you set up those recordings to play on the computer?" He didn't add it, but he was sure Soubi knew what the unsaid question was: Or was it Seimei?
Soubi nodded, glancing at Ritsuka for a moment before folding the shirt of the boy's that he had in his hands. "I set it up," Soubi refolded the shirt, his hands fumbling a little. "I set it up so that if…anyone came here to find it after attacking me, even if they booted up the computer, they wouldn't find the files."
"Why? How?" Ritsuka was slightly confused. As soon as Kio and Ritsuka had started the computer, the files had come up immediately come up and forced the two to listen to them. It would've done that to anyone and Seimei would've known the password right away.
"I set it up so that it would start normally for a week after the fifth. After that…it would do what you saw. I didn't know when the attack would happen, but I figured it would take less than a week," Soubi refolded the shirt again and put it in the drawer, finally satisfied. "The password was just so Kio wouldn't be able to access it alone."
Soubi wasn't referring directly to Seimei at all, which worried Ritsuka a little. It was obvious that it was Seimei who attacked him, but Soubi wouldn't speak of him by name, and instead referred to him as the conspicuous 'anyone'. Ritsuka wanted to know what was going on in Soubi's head then. He wanted to know how Soubi felt about Seimei, whether or not he hated him for doing what he did, or if he still had feelings for him. Soubi had been so attached to Seimei, but Seimei had never returned any of the feelings. Ritsuka couldn't understand all of their relationship, but he knew that it would be hard for Soubi to let go of Seimei after developing some sort of attachment to him. Seimei had never done anything to praise Soubi or give him any sort of attention, which was why Soubi craved it so much. Still, maybe Soubi was in shock that Seimei would so something like this.
"Seimei did this," Ritsuka said softly, looking up at Soubi. "And he had no right to." Soubi wouldn't meet his eyes, and Ritsuka knew that he had said something that hurt. It had needed to be said, though the last thing he had wanted was to hurt Soubi. "Sorry, I-" Ritsuka started to apologize.
"No. Stop," Soubi cut him off, his voice surprisingly firm. "It was him. He told me to stop, to stop teaching you and…to leave you. I didn't want to. Ritsuka, you have to understand. You're the only good thing that's ever happened to me. I couldn't leave you."
Soubi's will to stay with Ritsuka had been stronger than his will to obey Seimei. That was how he had been able to withstand disobeying him. What he didn't understand, though, was that it was all in his head. Yes, Soubi had Seimei's true name written on his neck, but that wasn't what controlled him. It wasn't his fault, of course. It was his training that prevented him from disobeying. Without his training, the scar on his neck meant absolutely nothing.
Ritsuka could obviously see that there was something physically wrong with Soubi. His hands were shaking and his entire body was trembling as he leaned heavily on the wall. Was retaining his memories putting some sort of physical strain on him?
"Are you sure you're alright?" Ritsuka asked curiously, all other questions leaving him in concern for Soubi's health.
"I'm fine," Soubi took a step forward, probably to show Ritsuka that there was nothing wrong, but he ended up falling. Ritsuka rushed forward to attempt to catch him, forgetting how much heavier the older male was. They both ended up falling on the bed, the frame of it shaking and groaning in protest at both their weights.
"Soubi, you're heavy," Ritsuka complained, having fallen so that he was underneath Soubi.
"I'm sorry," Soubi lifted himself off of Ritsuka, only to fall back next to the boy on his back. "I'm fighting it, Ritsuka, but I'm going to lose myself soon. I wish I had more time…"
"It's okay," Ritsuka told him, smiling. "It doesn't matter. There's just a couple more questions I want to ask, though."
"Go ahead," Soubi urged, closing his eyes.
Ritsuka moved so that he was sitting at Soubi's side. He had wanted to sit on his chest, like he usually did, but he was afraid that in the state he was in, that that would just hurt Soubi even more.
"What…what do you think about yourself?"
Self esteem. That was what Shinonome-Sensei called it. How one thinks and feels about their self is called self esteem. As Ritsuka's teacher said, things that people say really affects one's self esteem. For three years, Soubi took verbal abuse as well as physical that had torn him apart at the seams. He had been told repeatedly by someone he loved and respected very much that he was a dog and a monster and no one would ever love him or care about him. Ritsuka always had trouble understanding how a person could think so lowly of themselves because of what someone else told them, but he understood very well now. He had heard Seimei talk down to Soubi and call him things that would really hurt. Seimei had been Soubi's master, a person he had, at some point, loved and trusted. If someone who Ritsuka trusted or had trusted had told him those things, he would've believed them, too. Seimei's abuse on Soubi had caused affects on him that kept him from being normal and a free person.
"There are times, Ritsuka, when I hate myself," Soubi said truthfully. He probably thought there was no reason to lie now that everything was coming out, anyways. Ritsuka's ears flattened against his head at hearing Soubi say it and the man reached up to touch the furry appendages.
"You shouldn't believe everything he says," Ritsuka hoped that it would get through to Soubi. "He's nothing but a deceiving liar. He had no right to say those things to you or to treat you like he did." Soubi tried to say something, to deny it and say that it was punishment and training, things that he deserved, but Ritsuka stopped him. "No, it wasn't punishment and you deserved none of it. He had power over you and he abused it. This, Soubi, is a chance for you to escape that. That's what you want, isn't it?"
"It's what I've wanted since he came back," Soubi's blue eyes were looking up at him and Ritsuka almost couldn't stand to see the sadness in them. He was reminded of the depression Soubi had suffered after what happened at Seven Voices. He had known that it had something to do with Seimei, but he hadn't known the extent of it. Soubi had regretted breaking the window for Seimei, and he had been depressed by the notion that Seimei was going to take Ritsuka away from him. Soubi was exceptionally intelligent. He would've known that Seimei was going to take Ritsuka away from him, one way or another. They had obviously become too close for Seimei's liking and Soubi could clearly see that he was going to try to tear them apart.
"I can talk him out of whatever he wants to do," Ritsuka assured Soubi, enjoying the feeling of the young man stroking the back of his kitty ears. Ritsuka never let anyone else touch him there. The ears and tail on a person were places that were only to be touched by someone close to them. On Ritsuka, they were a spot in which only Soubi was allowed to touch.
"Alright, Ritsuka," Soubi sounded unworried for once. He scratched the back of one of Ritsuka's kitten ears lightly, making Ritsuka let out a sound that sounded like a feline purr. Soubi's touches always felt good. His hands were so soft and always gentle, never calloused or hurting in any way.
"You look tired," Ritsuka pointed out.
"I want to keep you by me. I don't want to sleep," Soubi could be so stubborn sometimes, too, but Ritsuka didn't mind.
"That's fine. Just lay down and don't exert yourself," Ritsuka laid down beside him, draping an arm over his Fighter's chest. Soubi leaned over, gently nipping at Ritsuka's cat ear. Ritsuka blushed, snuggling closer, loving how well he seemed to fit with Soubi. "You really like my ears," Ritsuka stated, closing his eyes partially. Soubi hummed an agreement. "They're yours to take, anyways," Ritsuka hid his eyes, as he was talking about losing his virginity to Soubi, something that he had decided that he wanted.
"I love them too much to take them anytime soon," Soubi lightly pinched one, pulling lightly as if he wanted to make sure that they were securely on his head.
"But you will someday?"
Soubi paused, not answering for a few minutes. "Yeah," He finally said. "When you're ready and when everything gets better. I'm sorry, Ritsuka. I guess you should know…my ears sort of got taken unwillingly when I was around your age."
"I know."
They talked for a while longer until Ritsuka unfortunately started to get tired. He had denied it until Soubi finally told him to go to sleep. Ritsuka didn't want to, but he had curled up beside Soubi and fallen into a half sleep to his Fighter scratching his ears.
A soft growl-like sound woke him up, and he felt Soubi's grip around him tighten considerably. Ritsuka opened his eyes, glancing up at Soubi, who was glaring at something far off. His arms were tightly wrapped around Ritsuka, crushing him against his much larger body. Ritsuka placed his head back on Soubi's chest, thinking nothing of it- until Soubi growled again.
"Sou—" Ritsuka started to say, only to have Soubi's hand clap over his mouth to silence him. Ritsuka shut up, not even struggling against him. He followed Soubi's gaze towards the balcony doors. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the lesser light, but when he did, there was an unmistakable shadow looming outside. The figure outside was tall and lean, with a very familiar long, bushy tail.
In the blink of an eye, Seimei was gone.
I'm not too sure if I should include a sex scene in this fic. What do you guys think? Should I put up a poll?
Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Sorry, it's 2:17 AM right now and I've been doing SAT prep. I'm a bit too tired to type out everyone's name, but I promise I'll do it next chapter. Sorry :( You guys are totally awesome, though! Keep reviewing for more chapters~!
~Wolfie
