"Wait, I don't understand why your parents are so upset over this if you have always been…"
"Disappointing?" Viola cut her girlfriend off, offering an answer to the sleepy debutant.
"No. I was going to say unconventional." The blonde offered her a slight smile in encouragement before continuing with her assessment of the situation. "I mean, your dad has always encouraged your love of sports and… well… although your mom wishes you were more like her, with the whole debutant thing, I'm… certain she's proud of you."
"Certain? Please, I've always been second to Sebastian. All my life, he always gloated that he was older than me and my parents treated us as if we were worlds apart. He got everything he wanted when we were kids and I had to sneak around and work harder for the things I wanted. It wasn't really fair. They actually never got tired of treating us differently until he started playing music and my mom realized he wasn't going to be some beefy jock like the rest of her friend's sons."
"But you never got treated differently for always wanting to play sports and being a little rough around the edges?"
"Umm, no? I mean I did. My parent's really never liked that about me so they kind of pretended that I didn't exist so that they could be comfortable with the fact that I was still their daughter… you know, it's disappointing enough to have an artistic boy but to add insult to injury not only was I a tomboy that grew up into a lesbian, I'm also not a debutant the way my mom wanted. Fuck… I should have… I should have just at least given her that much." Viola shook her head, trying to figure out what she could have changed in her past in order to have made the situation in the present a little bit less painful for everyone.
"Listen Viola, I doubt that wearing dresses or actually being a boy would make this any easier for your parents. From what you're telling me, they'd be disappointed either way. Just look at Sebastian, he's a good guy but he's still not enough to make them happy. And you… you're…" Olivia lifted Viola's chin so their eyes met and smiled at the other girl before continuing. "You're amazing. You've recently been named MVP, the only girl out of a whole bunch of guys who are like twice your size and it was you. You're special Principal Gold, Coach Dinklage and pretty much all of Ilyria, if we exclude Malcolm and Duke, understand that. And if your parents can't see that, then… then it's their loss. Not yours. Ok?" Viola let a weak sound escape the back of her throat as she shook her head. This whole day was just too much.
The blonde smiled at her girlfriend, kissed her and made herself comfortable on her bed, making sure to pull the covers down for Viola. "Listen, just go to sleep, we can talk about it some more tomorrow, when you're not looking so terrible." Viola laughed and threw a pillow at Olivia as she got into bed next to her. "You're like the worst girlfriend ever… I should have just let Stephanie Miller finish jumping me in the lockers… I bet she would appreciate how hot I look after being kicked out by my parents." The other girl winced, knowing that even if the brunette was trying to joke around, it stung to have all of this unfold the way it did.
"Come on, just go to sleep, because if you keep this up, Steph can finish the job outside my window, after I kick you out for being a jerk to the girl who is nice enough to let you be the little spoon."
"What makes you think I'm not the big spoon?" An indignant Viola answered. "Because it's my bed… and… yes." Viola rolled her eyes and turned over on her side. "That's not even an argument, but since I'm like, the best girlfriend in the world, I'll give in." Olivia chuckled, turned off the light and held onto her girlfriend as she fell asleep.
Viola wished she could have said that she got a lot of sleep. But mostly she just stayed up thinking about her family kicking her out. Mostly because it was kind of unexpected. I mean how could they not know? I couldn't have been more of a stereotype if my name was Elton John! I was a tomboy as a girl and still am, check. I hate dresses and frilly things, check. I love sports and don't mind getting dirty, check. Ummm… ok I seem to have run out of stereotypes besides the whole kisses girls thing… maybe this is why it was a shock. I mean what if it's like super weird because there were absolutely no signs of this; anyone could be a tomboy, like my mom said.
She still heard Olivia's words in her head. Viola wished she could believe her girlfriend about setting herself for a fall when it came to her parents and their expectations of her. But she just couldn't. All her life she thought that if she got good enough grades or got enough trophies and medals her parents would stop looking past her and just see her. Sure she kind of tried to make herself invisible most of the time but that was because they just didn't know how to see her. It was like she was there but she wasn't there the way they wanted her to. Her mom had always pushed for her to be like the daughters that her friends had, unsatisfied that she could beat all the boys in the neighborhood at climbing trees during elementary school or outrun some guys during gym. Just the same way her mom kept seeing Sebastian the way he wasn't, beefy and jocky. Her mom only saw her for the things she lacked. That's why she felt invisible, because she was constantly filled with the empty things she wasn't giving to her parents.
Viola turned over and sighed.
This sucks. How can I even make my parents forgive me for being gay when I just kind of blew up on them? Ok it did feel amazing to finally say it. To tell my dad that him walking out on us hurt because he's still here but he's not with us. Like it's all supposed to be forgiven because he came back after years of not even sending a birthday card and it's all in the past. And for the most part it felt that he wasn't even on the same planet for those first couple of years after his return. And mom? Fuck. I really pissed her off by telling her how fed up I am that everyone has to tip toe around each other in her damn show room house so that no one has to process or deal with shit. Oh well. There goes my theory that if you don't talk about stuff it just kind of goes away. Here's my new theory, if you don't deal with it, sooner or later it's going to turn gay and have your mom slap you in the face over it… wait... that doesn't even make any sense… I need to go to sleep now.
Viola stared at her ceiling while biting her fingernails. She had to call Paul. He was her only gay friend that not only knew gay stuff but was like, super open about it.
"Speak."
"Hey Paul. I was… I was umm… wondering if you know… like… when you were gay… did you just know? Or like… was it just like boom?"
"Viola, are you being held captive and can only use a limited amount of words honey? Because I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. But seeing as you're always this… articulate… I will say that gay isn't a thing that you just turn on and off. You either are or you aren't and it might take a while to figure out why you always felt so different all your life. But you can't be forced into it. It's not a cult. And just like you, I just kind of always knew."
"Woah, what do you mean by just like me. I just figured it out this school year!"
"Wait…" The line went silent for a second and she heard a muffle scream, followed by giggles and a muffled conversation. "Oh Vi, I… I thought you knew. I mean, it was pretty obvious. Like, seriously, even I didn't crush on all my art teachers the way you did with them. Except for that one creepy guy with the comb over that talked to his food during fourth grade. Ewwww."
"No, I didn't like any of. I have no recollection of these things you are trying to pin me down for."
"Ahh finally, cat let go of your tongue and fed you a new vocabulary. Viola, you're not fooling anyone. You were an insufferable teacher's pet when it came to all the female art teachers in our school. It was kind of cute and super annoying for the rest of us less talented at the subtle art of ass kissing our way to an A+ without understanding the basic concept of shadows and foreground."
"You're a cruel person and I thought gays were supposed to be full of helpful insights."
Paul laughed on the other side of the line and answered her attempt at being spiteful. "Viola, I love you, but your stereotypes seriously need some updating or to stop confusing me with a leprechaun or whatever you think gays are."
"Wait. So one final question before I dramatically hang up on you for using logic as a weapon against me. Was it a gaydar thing? Like is that how you knew that I was into girls?"
"No silly, it's not a gaydar thing. It's a… you just didn't seem happy when you were with all those boys. Not playing because you rock at sports, but dating them. There just seemed to be something missing. And suddenly, when you were pretending to be your brother and you were trying not to be such a deviant loser, like you called yourself, it clicked. It was the day you got your ass handed to you by Duke. When we helped you escape and you ended up on the kissing booth with Olivia. You were there for like a minute and I could feel it across the field. There was something between you. That's how I knew that I was right about you."
Viola sighed, thanked her friend and hung up. She didn't know what to do with all that. She guessed she was wrong about it being a complete shock to all…
Author's Note: Ok I know this took forever but I had to watch the movie again and re read my old stuff to make sure it felt like it was still part of the rest since I hadn't worked on this fic in a while. But since I have that worked out, I can hopefully write a bit more consistently now.
