Rating: NC17
Pairings: Sam/Dean
Warnings: Angst, HurtDean, HurtSammy, Wincest, Torture, Rape,
Summary: Sam's idea of heaven shatters Dean's heart and he realises now he can never confess his true feelings for his brother and he just wants to walk away from it all. But when Sam is taken by Zachariah and sent to Purgatory, they are thrown headlong into a battle against the devil. With the help of Castiel, the brother's devise a plan to defeat Lucifer but unless they are truly bound to each other… Sam will be lost forever. The secrets they are both keeping might just get them both killed.

AU ending for "Dark Side of the Moon"

Chapter 11

Consciousness clawed into Sam's mind with the fanfare of an incessant drumbeat. He groaned as the full force of the ache in his head became apparent and then agonising as bright light seemed to sear through his squinting eyes.

Trying to get his mind past his pain, the young hunter suddenly tensed as his body went into survival mode even before his brain caught up with his surroundings. After a lifetime of hunting and constant moving, waking up in an unfamiliar environment was second nature but not remembering how you got there normally meant trouble with a capital deep shit.

He seemed to be in some kind of workroom, floor to ceiling boxes in one corner and several metal benches across the room covered with electronic whitegoods in various stages of repair.

Sam gasped and a strangled sob escaped him as memory kicked in like a vengeful bitch and overwhelmed everything else.

Sitting up slowly, elbows braced on bent knees, Sam tried at first to stop the anguish but it poured through him like a burst dam and he couldn't… didn't want to… hold it back. His body shook and tears flowed freely down his face because he was only human after all, no matter what everyone else saw, no matter his destiny or Lucifer's plans or even the demon blood in his veins… right now he was just Sam.

He couldn't even begin to acknowledge or act upon the ingrained hunter's instincts firing through his mind and body to get up, find a weapon and a way out to keep fighting.

In that moment he was just a boy mourning his big brother, his friend, his love, everything lost between them again… for good.

Dean was dead.

It hurt so fucking much he couldn't breathe.

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Dean led the way through the basement level car park with the angels following closely behind. There were battles going on even down here and he unsheathed the demon killing knife, glad to have the wicked looking blade in his possession.

He headed towards the stairwell but the next thing he knew he was on the ground with five foot two of manicured secretary clawing and punching at his head and body. Her face transformed into an oily smile as her black eyes came to rest on Dean's face.

"Oh jackpot." She turned her head and screamed. "I've got a Winchester here, a little help would be ..."

Dean was too busy trying to simultaneously pry her hands from around his neck and pick the knife back up to realise his assailant had been almost cut in two until she dropped down half on him, half seeping her insides out onto the concrete floor beside him.

"Oh gross." Dean looked at up Tahariel, the angel's blade still dripping red.

"Lucifer will know you are here and he will be prepared. It is best if I go alone to retrieve your brother."

"You don't go near Sam without me." Dean's voice was a low growl as he shook his head remembering how the warrior angel had tortured his brother.

Dean's stare never wavered as Tahariel gave him a fierce look before nodding slightly.

"We need to move now."

Dean's answer was to jump to his feet, grimacing at his blood spattered clothing before hefting the knife back in his hand.

"Then let's move."

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"I can take it away Sam. I can take your grief and give you whatever you want. I want to look after you." Lucifer spoke gently as he walked forwards. "It's my job now."

The young hunter's head jerked up sharply in surprise at the hated voice as panic welled inside him.

"You could never give me what I want and don't... don't you dare say that..." Sam scrambled away, still on the ground until his back was pressed against the wall. There was nowhere to run, no way to fix things and he was just so tired of being played, being used.

Being alone.

He had barely survived four months... he couldn't do it again. He wouldn't.

"Sammy?"

The young boy turned his head in shock to the sound of his brother's voice right beside him.

"No… no you're not real." Sam knew that but he couldn't make his eyes fall away from the soft smile on Dean's face, the deep green intensity in his eyes that the younger boy thought he would never see again.

"Does it matter Sam? Would you rather stay here alone and watch the world burn or come with me, be together forever? Haven't you given enough, lost enough? You tried so fucking hard Sammy, m'so proud of you."

Sam rubbed a hand roughly across his face and wondered how hard it would be to sit here forever and just let go. He took a shuddering breath because he didn't think it would really be as difficult as it should be.

"You're... you're..."

dead

"... I didn't save you Dean." Sam laughed harsh and brittle. "You're... dead because of me." The word tasted bitter in his mouth and it's the first time he's said it out loud in the same sentence as his brother...

Dean is dead

... and all it does is makes him want to run screaming away from everything, away from himself, away from this nightmare. Except he can't bear to look away from his brother's face.

"I know Sammy but I can help you now. You know I always look after you."

"I know it's not you... Lucifer wants me to say yes and I won't... I won't... I promised you."

"Then don't Sam. You don't have to do anything you don't want to okay. Just sit with me Sammy."

Sam knew this wasn't real, he had to keep telling himself that but he needed to pretend just for a while and it wouldn't hurt... he wasn't going to say yes and Dean told him it was okay. Sam frowned and hit his head back against the wall in frustration and confusion as he tried to clear the growing chaos in his mind.

He looked at his older brother's face and felt calm and whole... and right.

something's wrong

"We can just sit?" Sam felt almost relieved.

something's broken

"Yeah Sammy, just you and me."

Sam nodded and smiled at his brother, ignoring the pull of drying tears on his face.

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They advanced up the stairwell with Castiel in the lead after Dean had flatly refused to be angel whammied up onto the second floor where his brother was supposed to be held.

"No I'm not scared, this is a tactical decision." Dean glared at Castiel. "We need to know exactly what Lucifer has at his disposal. Besides you might need to use your mojo to get us outta here once we get Sammy and you don't want to use it all up."

"I would not subject you to my… whammy…unless it was necessary Dean. And I would be very gentle."

"Good to hear Cas but please… let's not have this conversation again. It's making me feel uncomfortable."

The need to have meaningless discussion was lost on the angel and Dean knew there was only one person that would really get why he was like this going into battle. One person who knew that this was Dean's tell for being nervous and anxious.

The young hunter tried not to get ahead of himself and run headlong into the area where Sam was being held. It took everything he had to focus on the here and now instead of what was happening to his brother and whether he was hurt.

In the blink of an eye, a blurred shape moved in front of him and hit Castiel with enough force to send the angel flying along the walkway and into the opposite store front.

"Cas…?"

Dean's shout of concern was cut short when he found himself face to face with half a dozen demons in human form and he was surprisingly relieved when Tahariel moved beside him.

For several seconds no one moved and then there was a chaos of motion as the warrior angel took on four of the assailants, landing ferocious blows without a backward step.

Dean smirked at the remaining two demons and cockily gestured at them to make a move as he brandished the knife.

The first attacks were predictable and poorly executed as each demon came at him separately and he easily feinted and slashed through clothing and skin but not enough to kill.

In one sudden movement, deciding that attack was the best defence, Dean used the element of surprise to his advantage as he rushed at both black eyed men, swerving at the last minute and gauging the knife deep into the larger demon's chest. He tried not to think too much about the human trapped inside, knowing in all likelihood they were aware of everything that was happening.

Maybe it was his slight hesitation as the demon was exterminated by the blade and the colour returned to the shocked eyes right in front of his face, before the eyes dulled and closed for the last time. In any event, Dean found himself flat on the ground and on the receiving end of a relentless ham like fist to his face.

As he tried to push the knife into the remaining demon, he found his hand slowly being turned around as several loud cracks signalled bones breaking in his hand. Grunting with effort, Dean could feel the tremble in his arm as it was bent back and the first slice of pain as the blade began to dig into his shoulder.

Crying out in pain as the knife was pushed in deeper, Dean managed to partially roll and use his knee between their bodies, gaining enough leverage to push the demon sideways and off him. Panting through the agony as the knife moved with his momentum, Dean didn't allow himself the luxury of acknowledging his injury as he quickly followed through with the blade and brought it down hard into the demon's sternum.

Scrambling unsteadily to his feet and seeing both angels knee deep in battle, he focused on the far end of the corridor instead as he began to move towards the room where Sam was being held.

It took him nearly twenty minutes to cover the short distance and he was bloodied and bruised by the time he stood outside the shop front but all he could think about was Sam.

There were no guards posted at the door and none to be seen once he opened the Staff Only entrance and walked inside knowing it was most likely a trap. At this point he didn't care, he would take down Lucifer himself or die trying if he had to… and he knew for damn sure that might well be on the cards.

He just needed to get to his brother… he needed Sam.

"Dean wait." Castiel's voice was hushed but alarmingly close.

"Jesus will you quit doing that."

"There is protection around this space… I cannot come in. You need to destroy the Enochian sigils so we can enter and protect you."

"Do you think Lucifer is in there?"

"He will be close by… Tahariel has led a diversion that may draw him into battle but Lucifer is smart and he will only play the game while it suits him."

"Okay got it. Destroy the sigils and get Sam out."

Dean moved forward but was stopped when the angel gripped his forearm.

"If we are killed I would like you to know that I have been proud to fight by your side Dean."

"I'm touched Cas but remind me to give you a lesson on motivational techniques when we get outta here." Dean glanced up and met the angels stare, nodding briefly in acknowledgment of the words he couldn't voice as he pulled the door open. "Let's kick some demon ass."

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Sam flinched and opened his eyes when he felt a hand on his knee.

"It's okay Sam, I just want… I just want to touch you. Is that okay?"

"I can't… you're not real." Sam's whispered voice sounded so lost in the empty room.

"I'm as real as you want me to be. Do you want me to be real, to be here with you?"

"Yes. S'all I do want but… Dean…" Sam shook his head and hit it back against the wall. "…I know I can't have this. It's too late."

"Can you feel this Sam, can you feel me?"

Sam was panting now as he watched his brother's hand glide up along his thigh and he closed his eyes as he felt Dean's touch firm and sure and real.

"Yes."

Heart racing, Sam was lost in the sensations when he felt another hand against his face as a warm body pressed between his bent knees.

There were alarm bells ringing somewhere inside the young hunter's head but they had been drowned out by his grief and this sudden chance to hold onto something he wanted so very badly.

As his knees dropped to the sides and his brother filled the space in between, Sam's hands frantically clutched at his brother's body when he felt Dean's lips press against his own then move away.

"Do you really want this Sam? You can have it, you can have me if you just say yes. We can be together and you won't have to worry about anything Sammy."

Sam felt his body shaking, he knew he was losing it, knew his brother was dead but this felt so real, so good. He had to be strong because he promised Dean but everything was getting so hazy and he could hardly remember what was so important, why couldn't he just say yes and stay here like this. It might not be real but it was better than being lost and alone.

"Can't, I can't… promised." Sam ran a hand across his face. "Want to… but I can't."

"Then I have to go Sam."

"No, please don't go."

"I'm sorry Sam but if you don't want me I can't stay."

Sam looked around the empty room, eyes wide as he feverishly called out.

"Don't leave me."

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There was a steady thumping sound coming from the far corner of the room and Dean advanced slowly and cautiously around the benches and rows of boxes until he had a clear view.

Sam was sitting on the floor, knees drawn up around his chest and arms cradling his head as though he was in pain. Dean watched as his brother rocked back and forth, slamming his head into the wall in a steady rhythm of despair.

"Sammy?" It came out more of a half strangled sob and Dean didn't recognise the raw sound as his own voice.

"Sam, it's me." He knelt down beside his brother, hand hovering in the air indecisively before finally reaching out and touching.

Dean froze at the startled gasp and shocked dark eyes that greeted him as his hand fell upon Sam shoulder.

"S'okay Sammy."

"Dean?" Sam frowned as he spoke quietly, almost to himself. "You came back, didn't think you'd come back again."

"I just got here Sam, gonna get you out now." Dean glanced around the room, finally seeing the blood drawn symbols on the opposite wall.

Sam laughed and it sounded sad and lost. "I know you not real, not gonna trick me. I just want… just want you to stay."

"Sammy it's really me." Dean took one of Sam's hands and placed it against his face. "I'm really here."

"Can't be… you can't be… I watched you die. Felt you die in my arms and leave me… but s'okay…everything's okay cause I won't do it Dean. Won't say yes…promised I wouldn't… but don't go."

"You healed me Sam. You brought me back because you had faith and love and…"

"NO!... no, no… THIS ISN'T REAL! You said we could just sit and talk and I could stay here with you."

"Lucifer is playing games with you Sam, trying to confuse you okay but I'm here with Castiel and Tahariel and we're gonna get you out."

Dean hurried over to the wall and began chipping away at the plasterboard with his knife, destroying the power of the spell as the symbols were disfigured.

"Tried to kill him… you… with the sword but it didn't work… I've got too much evil in me." Sam clawed at his head. "I could feel it y'know… the power and need inside me when I used the sword… should've been me… should've been me."

Dean moved back beside the younger boy and knelt down as his brother started rocking again… head hitting the wall harder now.

"Stop Sam. What do you mean should've been you?"

Sam looked at him in a moment of near clarity and for a split second Dean thought he had gotten through his brother's walls of defence and grief.

"I'm the one that should be dead not Dean. I'm the one that's tainted and evil and… s'my fault he's dead. Should've been me… want it to be me."

"No Sam, don't you say that." Dean ignored his brother's attempts to push him away as his arms circled around the younger boy in a tight embrace. "You're the only good thing."

"A family reunion… how touching. Pity I'm going to have to ruin it all over again… is this Groundhog Day or what?"

Dean's blood ran cold as laughter rang out behind him.

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