Thank you so much to all of my readers and everyone who took the time to review! It means more than you could imagine! A very special thanks once again to Drumboy100 who always agrees to beta my stories and does it well! And another quick reminder that I will be participating in Nanowrimo this November, which probably means I won't have the time to update my stories on here but I'll try!
I was dating Seamus and had let Draco kiss me. It was a fact I couldn't escape from, no matter how hard I tried. The guilt continued to eat me up from inside, until it felt like there was nothing left of me. Slowly, I became a hollow shell, going through the motions and responding appropriately to every situation. Ironically, since the night of the ball Seamus had relaxed and become less overbearing. Lavender was convinced I was overreacting. "It was just a kiss!" she would say in an exasperated manner and roll her eyes. What she couldn't understand was that lies and deceit had always been things that made me sick to my stomach. Where she saw it as one, harmless kiss, I saw it as an enormous betrayal of Seamus's trust, especially because of the strange, inexplicable feelings I had towards Draco.
One Saturday morning in late January, I was up before the sun, getting ready for my weekly run. Running helped me clear my head and gave me some much-needed time alone. Suddenly, there was a faint tapping on the window, startling me enough that I almost woke up my roommates. Through the frosty glass, I could see the faint outline of an owl. A bad feeling came over me immediately. Owls never sought out students outside of mail time in the mornings.
With trepidation, I opened the window and untied the scroll attached to the bird's leg. The owl didn't stay and wait for a tip, as soon as it was free of its cargo, it took off into the darkness. Quickly, I closed the window and looked down at the scroll in my hand. My heart sank. I recognized the scroll as the kind mum used for our secret correspondence. Either she had received my letter and was sending a reply, or something had happened to make her write me in the middle of her assignment. With shaky hands, I unfurled the scroll, expecting the worst.
Clara,
I was happy to receive your letter but sad that you're dealing with something so difficult.
Matters of the heart are never easy and I hope I can offer some advice that will help ease your troubled mind and heart.
Seamus sounds like a nice boy, if a little jealous and insecure, but it would seem your heart is only truly set on one boy; Draco.
I stopped reading, as my heart dropped. Being with dad, surely mum must have heard of the Malfoys and must know their reputation. Why on earth would she encourage my misguided affections? I shook my head; her letter was no help. If anything, it had only served to heighten the anxiety I was feeling. Without so much as a second glance at the scroll, I crumpled it up and stuck it in my pocket, before escaping the confines of the castle.
The fresh air did nothing to clear my mind this morning. With each, pounding footstep, I felt the guilt hammering down on me, threatening to crush me. Slowly, it became harder and harder to breathe and I had to stop running. Like a house of cards, I toppled to the ground out of the blue, tears flowing uncontrollably as I trembled and struggled to breathe. Somewhere in the distance I could have sworn I heard someone calling my name but my brain refused to register anything but the lack of air in my lungs and the explosion of emotions running a mile a minute through my mind. The world was slowly fading and I could feel a small sense of relief. Maybe it would finally be over.
The pain in my head was almost unbearable. It throbbed and pounded, desperate to get my attention and to bring me back from the black hole I had fallen into. Unable to ignore it any longer, my eyes snapped open.
"She's awake," Lavender's excited voice came from somewhere next to me, but the world was still blurry and I had no idea where I was or how I had gotten there. Fear and confusion mingled, as I came to realize I wasn't where I had been a second ago. The last thing I remembered was collapsing on my run, everything since was a blank. One second I was on the ground and the next I was here, with no sense of having lost any time in between.
Suddenly, I felt the warm touch of a hand on top of mine. I blinked in an effort to clear the blur.
"Clara?" Ron's voice was anxious.
Slowly, the world came into focus and I realized I was in the hospital wing. Ron was there, standing next to me, holding my hand. Behind him stood Seamus and Lavender. Worry showed on all of their faces and I wanted to scream. I didn't deserve for them to worry about me.
"Please say something," Lavender pleaded.
"What happened?" I forced myself to ask, scared of the answer but needing to know.
"You fainted on your run," Ron replied, staring at me intensely, as if trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Not in the mood to discuss the specifics of my panic attack with any of them, I shrugged it off. "I probably should have eaten before heading out."
Seamus stepped forward, his eyes searching mine for something. "Are ye sure that's all?"
This visit was beginning to feel like an interrogation and I wasn't happy. Seamus could probably sense my irritation, because he hurried to grab my free hand, his thumb stroking my knuckles soothingly. The moment Seamus grabbed my hand, Ron let go of my other one, an uncomfortable look on his face. Clearly, he still wasn't completely on board with us dating. Lavender, who could sense the tension, grabbed his hand.
"Come on Ron," she said insistently. "Let's give them a moment alone."
Ron looked at me uncertainly. "Go on," I ordered. "I'm fine and I will see you as soon as they let me out of here." Finally, Ron nodded and let Lavender drag him out of the hospital wing.
It was a small relief, I would have preferred to be alone but I was afraid asking Seamus to leave would hurt his feelings. I forced myself to look at him, as he smiled affectionately at me. Every time he did, it killed me. All I could think of was how I had kissed Draco the night of the ball and how Seamus deserved someone better than me. Someone who was only interested in him.
"You'll never guess who they found skulking about after you were brought here," his voice interrupted my thoughts. Relieved, I looked up at him inquisitively. "Malfoy of all people." My body tensed at the mention of his name, the blood in my veins turning to ice. If Seamus could sense the change, he didn't say anything. "He was trying to hide, acting all suspicious and when Madam Pomfrey caught him he said he'd come to see her for a headache. A headache! Can ye believe that?"
Of course, I knew exactly why Draco had come but the idea was so outlandish that no one else would ever suspect it. I forced myself to act normally and rolled my eyes. "Clearly he was up to something."
"No doubt trying to start more rumors about the two of ye," anger flashed behind his eyes. For a moment, I thought I saw something else, something resembling jealousy. "I dunno why he has it out for ye, probably just trying to mess with Ron."
"Probably," I mumbled, tired of talking about Draco.
Mistaking my discomfort for tiredness, Seamus smiled. "I'll let ye rest now, I'll be waiting when Madam Pomfrey lets ye out." With a lingering peck on the lips, he was gone and I was left alone with my thoughts. Of course, these days, my thoughts were the last company I wanted.
I waited impatiently as Madam Pomfrey insisted I stay and rest. She was convinced that my collapsing had been caused by stress. Apparently, it was quite common during the second half of the school year.
I saw my stay in the hospital wing as both blessing and a curse. A curse because there was nothing to distract me and keep me from thinking, a blessing because I didn't have to be around the people I was lying to. The hours passed by slowly and when I was sure I had finally had enough of laying around to last me a lifetime, a familiar figure appeared in the doorway.
"How are you feeling?" Cedric smiled, a smile full of genuine concern.
"Better," I replied shortly, not really wanting to talk. I couldn't help but wonder why he had come to visit me. We had had a handful of conversations since meeting the summer before and while I thoroughly enjoyed his company, it wasn't like we were close.
I watched him make his way to my bedside, the smile never leaving his face. Cedric glanced down at his hands, his expression suddenly strange. It was as if he wanted to say something but didn't quite know how to find the right words. Finally, he let out a deep breath and looked me square in the eyes. "I was the one who found you, you know."
My head was reeling. Cedric Diggory had found me and brought me to the hospital wing. Unsure how to feel, I struggled to find the words and to understand why he had come to tell me this.
"You were on the ground, shaking and crying," he continued without waiting for my reply. "I tried to talk to you but you were completely unreachable. Naturally I feared you had been cursed so I picked you up and brought you here." Cedric paused, his expression thoughtful. I could tell by his demeanor there was something he wasn't saying, something he wanted to say.
When I didn't speak, he looked around to make sure we were alone, before leaning in closer. "You were mumbling a name the whole time I carried you." He paused, his expression pained, like he was about to say something incredibly difficult. "Draco Malfoy's."
A cold dread spread through me. It had been inevitable that the day would come when I slipped up and revealed too much to the wrong person, but I had never been truly prepared for it. Cedric could probably tell how uncomfortable I was, for he placed his hand reassuringly on top of mine.
"If you need to talk about something, I'm here and whatever it is, I promise I won't judge."
Tired of holding on to everything alone, it was surprisingly easy to open up to Cedric. I told him everything, how Draco and I had first met, how we had kissed twice, how no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to stay away from him. Cedric listened patiently, his expression remaining neutral the entire time, making me feel comfortable and safe. When I was done talking, he smiled weakly.
"I don't think we can choose who we fall for but we can choose what we do. I don't know why Malfoy has taken such an interest in your but I don't think he's capable of love."
"I suspect you're right."
Cedric smiled softly. "Love isn't selfish and everything Draco Malfoy does is."
I couldn't help but grin teasingly. "You're pretty wise for a handsome young lad."
Cedric let out a soft chuckle. "Just don't tell anyone, I have a reputation to maintain."
A true smile graced my face for the first time in a month and I felt at ease, if only for a moment. Cedric's presence was comforting in the midst of the storm raging all around me.
Cedric stayed for hours that day, talking to me about everything and nothing. By the time Madam Pomfrey decided it was time for him to leave, I had begun feeling like we had known each other for years. Slowly, I came to the realization that he was becoming the person in my life that I had always wanted Ron to be; a brother to lean on, a friend to confide in, someone who wouldn't judge me and would be there unconditionally.
I waited nervously, lingering in the hallway outside the room of requirement. With threats and intimidation, I had managed to convince one of the first year Slytherins to deliver a note to Clara in the hospital wing. The boy had returned and told me that she had read it but hadn't said anything. As of this moment, I had no idea if I was making a fool of myself waiting for her or if she would take me up on my request and show up.
My heart leapt at the sound of footsteps echoing around the corner. Hoping against hope that it was Clara, I steeled myself for the encounter. A month had passed since the night of the ball and neither one of us had spoken to the other. Not that I hadn't tried to catch her attention, but Clara had gone out of her way to ignore me.
As if my thoughts had summoned her to me, she appeared down the hall, her eyes avoiding mine. Even I knew better than to speak. Instead, I closed my eyes and let the room of requirement materialize, wishing for a quiet place we could talk. I could feel Clara standing close to me now, her mere presence sending my head reeling. Without a word, she opened the door in front of us and entered. The room was larger than any I had seen before, filled with piles of random stuff. I wondered why we had been given this room out of all the possibilities. Next time, I would have to be more specific.
Clara came to a stop in front of a dusty, ornate mirror. She stared at her reflection in silence, not moving. There was something in her eyes, something I hadn't seen before and could not read. I didn't care, I couldn't. All I could think about was being close to her again. Without a word, I reached out to pull her to me, every inch of me aching to touch her. My fingers grazed her arm softly, feeling the warmth of her skin for a brief moment, before she jerked away from my touch and turned to face me, her eyes finally meeting mine.
Clara shook her head, keeping me at a distance. Annoyance grew inside my chest, I wanted her and I didn't want to deal with the rest of it. No one had ever denied me what I wanted and I wasn't sure how to handle it.
"Why can't you leave me alone?" her voice trembled at the edges, like she wasn't sure she could resist.
"What do you mean?" my voice was contemptuous, I couldn't help it. I had grown tired of her fighting me, all I wanted was for her to just give in to what I knew she wanted.
"It doesn't matter, Malfoy. Whatever you want from me; I'm not interested." There was a determination in her eyes I hadn't seen before and it made me uneasy. It seemed like she meant it. "Find someone else to play with, I'm done."
"Clara," I began to protest but she was done listening. Without another word, she pushed past me and slammed the door shut behind her.
My head was spinning, unsure what to feel. There was anger, a cold fury at being rejected, but also something unpleasant resembling hurt. With every beat of my heart, the throbbing pain shot through me like poison in my veins. Why did she keep resisting, when I knew she wanted me as much as I wanted her? Her rejection of me made no sense. My family was powerful and rich, the Malfoy name carried weight in the wizarding world, men trembled before the sight of our family. I was good looking to boot, much more so than that git Finnigan.
A sickening feeling arose in my stomach. Clara's words and actions felt final, like I would never be close to her again and I wasn't sure I could accept that. Stop making a fool of yourself, Draco, I could practically hear my father's voice spitting the words at me. If Clara was determined to do this then let her, she was the one losing out, not me.
