Title: Consequnces.
Pairing: Slow-burn Deanna/Castiel, past Deanna/Lisa.
Spoilers: Season 5 and 6.
Words: Too many. Way too many.
Warnings: Strong violence and swearing. Femslash. WIP. Mentions of non-con and torture. A tragic lack of Cas in the first few chapters.
Summary: Always-a-girl!Dean. As Deanna Winchester gives birth, history tries to repeat itself. AU series 6. Shockingly long fic. Lisa/Deanna, Castiel/Deanna.
This chapter was a toughy. I almost gave up more than once - but thanks to the lovely betas, SealedSecrets and Quovadimus83, I managed to carry on, and you have to deal with the spoilers of war. Good luck.
"Stay here with Mary," Deanna barked at Ben commandingly, storming past him. She raced up the steps, boots slamming loudly on the creaking wood, and down the hallway.
A deep seething anger urged her onwards, burning white-hot. There was no plan, just livid rage and pain and urgency, drowning any reluctance she might have felt otherwise.
A hook plunged into her stomach, and jerked. Wings fluttered so heavily that Deanna could almost feel the brush of feathers against her, all around her, like a damn preening peacock.
Deanna turned her head automatically, and snarled, "Cas-"
She'd been expected Cas to pop up behind her, like he often did, and try to talk her down, or something. Instead he'd appeared in front of her, not bothering to move out of her way.
Deanna crashed into his chest with a startled curse, head whipping back round so fast that her vision blurred. Castiel's arms gripped her elbows lightly, stopping her from re-bounding off of his freakishly hard chest. It was like walking into a freakin' stone wall.
"You guys really need to learn to walk around a little!" Deanna snapped at him in frustration, moving impatiently around him.
Castiel fell into step with her easily, already anticipating her hurried speed. "What are you planning to do?" he asked, voice containing a calming steadiness.
Deanna didn't want to be calm. She liked being angry just fine, liked feeling that vicious, unpleasant burn, and the relief when it abaited. She just wished Sam would stop giving her reasons to temper it with pansy-ass hurt.
"I'm not," Deanna growled.
There was movement from the corner of her eye as Castiel's face...it wasn't a frown, so much as a fall, like he hadn't been expecting that from her - like he, the dude who'd pulled her out of Hell and chose her over everything, didn't get her anymore.
It felt like being sucker-punched in the gut. And the nerves in her lips were still doing an Irish jig, but she wasn't going to think about kissing Cas or slugging him in the face when her brother was so near.
Deanna increased her speed, and Cas matched it, not saying another word, seemingly content in the silence. But the bastard wasn't nearly as clueless as he acted half the time.
The hunter and the archangel reached Bobby's living room in record time to find Bobby sitting at the book covered table looking at Sam, who was leaning against the fire place, clad in his usual plaid and jeans.
"- pretty pissed," Bobby finished warningly.
"Well, isn't this cozy?" Deanna remarked in a forced casual tone as she stepped into the room. Sam straightened up, eyes locked on her, an earnest expression crossing his face.
"Dean-" Sam froze when he finally realized who was standing beside her, a look of surprise shoving his puppy-dog eyes aside.
Deanna felt unreasonably smug about that until she realized how dangerously close to inwardly gloating she was - about Cas, too.
"Hello Sam," the archangel greeted, and his deep voice seemed a little harsher than before.
Deanna glanced at him, but the archangel pretended not to notice her enquiring look.
"Cas?" Sam demanded incredulously. "What-" he glanced between them with a baffled expression, but his eyes glinted with calculation when he saw that Cas was practically perched on her shoulder. Like old times. "What are you doing here?"
Deanna and Cas shared a look, green eyes meeting blue. He read her intent perfectly with one quick glance, but the look lingered.
They'd never gotten around to telling Sam about their, uh, relationship, and her brother had started to subconsciously block out details of her sex life to stay sane - now wasn't the time to drop that bombshell on him, no matter how much the dick deserved it.
"Visiting," Cas answered smoothly. Not twitching or looking away or looking down like he usually did whenever he tried to lie, Deanna noticed with a twinge of disappointment.
Bobby snorted quietly from his chair, attracting looks from Sam and Cas, and a glare from Deanna.
"I-" Sam looked between them and Bobby, seeming to realize that something else was going on. A look of petulant displeasure clung to his face.
Not so nice being outta the loop, is it, Sammy? Deanna thought darkly.
"Deanna," said Sam, regaining his footing, but still pouting. "You didn't tell me you'd seen Cas."
"Tell you?" Deanna demanded instantly, voice rising in fury. A look passed over her brother's face that she really didn't like, feeding her anger into an inferno."Are you freaking kiddin' me?"
"Hey," Bobby interjected following her snarl, just as Sam pushed off the doorway with his bitch-face on. "If you two are gonna argue, then take it outside- I'm done with playing the voice of reason for you two idjits, you're not damn kids anymore."
Deanna's eyes blazed, and her mouth went tight, but she jerked her head in a nod, respecting his wishes. Without needing to ask, Sam turned, and headed for the door.
When she made to follow him, she noticed that Cas looked concerned. Deanna grimaced, rolling her shoulders back with a clear message; Not now.
Castiel stared at her, tension cracking behind his blue eyes, before he dipped in head in reluctant agreement.
Deanna heard Bobby's sigh, and curse as the door slammed behind her. It'd been a few hours since she'd arrived at Bobby's- how time flies when you're not havin' fun- so the yard was dark. It was damn quiet too.
"Look," Sam cut her off as she whirled on him, ready to tear him a new asshole. "I didn't come here to start a fight, Deanna."
"Then what the hell are you doing here?" Deanna demanded.
It wasn't that she wanted to spawn a chick-flick moment- especially since she'd been having way too many in the last few months- but she did want answers, and if that meant she had to waddle through a load of emotional bullshit, then she'd have to deal.
Damnit - she needed a fight before she actually started giving a crap about shoes and all that girly shit.
But Sam didn't start preaching about how they were siblings (which she agreed with), and they only had each other (which wasn't quite true anymore), and, oh, god, will you braid my hair, yada, yada, yada like she'd half expected.
Instead he said simply; "I need your help."
Deanna reeled back slightly, feeling his words hit her like a whip, elicting pain as much as anger.
The hunter rarely ever thought genuinely bad things about her brother - when he'd ditched their family in favour of Stanford, or when he was banging Ruby, or tossing back demon blood like it was fucking noble - but this came close to making the list.
Pulling a Houdini on her for a friggin' year, seemingly developing a bastard complex, and then having the balls to demand her help? Yeah.
"The Campbell's-" Sam went on, oblivious to her growing fury.
"Who?" demanded Deanna, voice as rough and callused as her hands.
Sam looked annoyed. "They're family. Campbell- like mom, and Samuel. I've been hunting with them-"
"Seriously?" Deanna fought back the urge to start wailing on her brother. The hurt just kept on coming.
"Yeah, seriously." Sam said, scanning her face with a small frown. Then he sighed, looking resigned. "Christian said-"
"Christian? Screw Christian!" Deanna exploded, flinging her arms out angrily, voice ringing through the empty junkyard. "I don't give a crap about any of the Campbell's, or their goddamn opinions!"
Sam's expression was surprised into blankness, before being promptly plastered over by shock. "He's our cousin!"
"I don't give a damn!" Deanna growled, searing into her brother with her eyes. "What I give a damn about is you, and your goddamn secrets, and friggin' douchebaggery! Dude, you're starting to remind me of dad!"
Sam's eyes flashed. "Crowley forced me not to tell you!"
Deanna's blood went cold, and her temper iced over quicker than a heartbeat at the name of her once-ally and current enemy.
She'd been lured into an apparently false sense of security by Crowley's inaction after she'd put Meg down, but that didn't mean Deanna had forgotten what Gabriel had warned her about- that the demon king was after her kid.
"Crowley?" Deanna asked, wariness and anger intertwining easily. "What's Crowley got to with us?"
Sam's own temper calmed with her wariness. He didn't seem to find it strange, even though the only demon to ever provoke any outward alarm out of her had been white-eyed and called Alistair.
"He brought Samuel back," said Sam, shaking his head. "He told me on the drive here, that we'd been working for Crowley."
A twist of anger crossed Sam's face, and it fit his expression better than anything else she'd seen from him since he'd jumped into the pit.
"He wants these... creatures - I don't know why- but they're...special. He's been threatening the Campbell's all year," Sam looked at her.
"If they didn't play ball, he'd toss Samuel back to...well, where ever the guy's been spending the last three decades," Deanna finished, going quiet for a moment.
Then she shook her head carelessly. "Well, do tell them that my heart is breaking for him."
Deanna turned, and reached for the door handle. But she already knew there was no way Sam would let it drop that easily - Winchester stubbornness.
"Wait," Sam said. She could feel him moving, about to touch her before thinking better of it when he saw how that made her shoulders stiffen, and her jaw clench.
"I've been trying to think of any possible leads since I got back. I even spent some time thinking it might've been Cas," he huffed out an amused breath, before quickly sobering. "But if Crowley can spring Samuel from the grave..."
Deanna hissed out a breath between clenched teeth. "He can grab you, and you're worried that his little, uh, threat extends to you too." Deanna turned to face him finally, shaking her head slightly. "Samuel was pulled out of Heaven, or the kid friendly version of Hell, not where you went. I don't think Crowley could swing that, but I'll talk to Cas."
"Thanks Deanna," said Sam, hesitating briefly. "But that isn't what I need your help for."
Deanna raised an eyebrow, then rolled her eyes. "Of course not," she muttered cynically.
Always a bigger fish.
Sam snorted quietly. "You remember that Djinn a few years ago?"
"Yeah," Deanna said blankly. "But what..." Sam looked at her, and it dawned on Deanna after a moment. She closed her eyes with a grimace. "Thought we killed that thing?"
Somethings, Deanna reflected dourly, should really stay ganked.
"We did," Sam said defensively. She didn't have to open her eyes to see his slightly bitchy expression, but she did anyway. "But it has friends."
Deanna screwed up her face for a minute in thought. She knew her brother like the back of her hand, and she could detect the bullshit in his claim that Crowley had been keeping him from telling her- the timeline didn't fit for one thing. But he wasn't lying about the Djinn.
Deanna hated being lied to, especially by her own damned brother, but...well, it was Sam - mister goody-two-shoes. Sure, he'd made some bad calls...a lot of bad calls in the past, but he was still a good kid at heart. He just had crappy decision-making skills.
"Okay," Deanna said, sighed, and resisted the urge to groan. "I'll help you gank this mother."
Sam nodded. "I'll introduce you to the Campbells tomorrow. We are going to be working with them," he added at her distasteful expression.
Deanna raised a skeptical eyebrow with a snort of amusement. "How many hunters does it take to hunt a Djinn?"
"How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?" Sam retorted, making Deanna grin.
"Screw you."
"Bitch," Sam grinned.
"You stole my line, jerk."
Letting out a puff of laughter, Sam glanced skywards. "I should get back to the motel."
Deanna's smile faded as she was reminded of how much things had changed. "Yeah. I'll tell Bobby you said bye."
Sam smiled a little awkwardly at her, nodding, then he turned, and walked to a grey Dodge.
"Dude!" Deanna exclaimed in horror. "That's your ride?"
Looking puzzled, Sam turned back to her. "Yeah, so?"
"So?" Deanna flailed for the right words, shaking her head slightly in outrage. She gestured between the Dodge and the Impala, hoping that Sam wasn't dumb enough not to get it.
"Get outta here," Deanna snapped when Sam's expression remained nonplussed. "You have no soul."
A weird tension flashed across Sam's before he realized she wasn't being completely serious. Her brother shook his head in exasperated amusement, and climbed into his plastic piece of crap.
Deanna watched from the porch as Sam drove away, her outrage fading into a more sober emotion. She hated to see Sam drive away, or to drive away from him herself, and it seemed to be happening a lot lately.
Deanna white-knuckled the banister for a few moments before releasing it, and walking over to her baby. She popped open the trunk, and grabbed an emergency bottle of Jack that she really could've used...yesterday. It could have saved a bar-full of people a trip to A&E.
Shaking her head, Deanna unscrewed the bottle lid, and chugged some of the whiskey. It went down roughly, burning her throat and stomach. Deanna closed her eyes as the burn receded.
A warning tug on her senses made her eyes open. Her voice came out rougher than normal as she rasped, "Want some?"
"No," Castiel said, but took the bottle from her anyway, placing it on the floor.
Castiel was standing in her personal bubble, wearing a netural expression tainted by the faint concern in his eyes, and his trade-mark hints of bemusement. He seemed unbothered by the chill in the air, or how easy to hide in the salvage yard was at night. Deanna let some of her wariness ease - if Cas couldn't sense anything, the area was probably clear.
"Hey."
"Gabriel told me not to let you drink."
"Yeah, well - your brother's a dick," Deanna grumbled. She closed the boot of her car, and sat down on it. After she patted the spot beside her, Cas sat down with her, staring straight ahead, knee touching hers.
Down, girl, Deanna cautioned herself when she felt some life below the belt.
"He inside?"
"No."
Deanna waited a moment to see if he'd say more before remembering who she was sitting with. "Few words short of usefulness there, Cas."
Castiel's head turned, and he pinned her with an ill-humored stare. "Would knowing of Gabriel's whereabouts ease your mind?"
Deanna narrowed her eyes at his tone, and at the glittering...something in his intense blue eyes. "No."
"Why were you drinking?"
Deanna snorted. "Why do you think?"
"Your brother is alive," Castiel said, his head ducking slightly as he held her gaze.
"And apparently thinks I'm dumb enough to buy the shit he's shoving at me." Deanna shook her head, fingers itching for the bottle, but she stilled the impulse.
"You believe Sam is lying to you?"
"I don't know what the hell to believe anymore, Cas," Deanna said, sharp twist of bitter anger in voice. "Sam and Bobby are keeping things from me, I'm a mom, and Gabriel is one pink, sparkly dress away from playing the fairy godmother."
"I don't-"
"Understand that reference," Deanna sighed, eyes rolling skyward. "Yeah."
An uncertain hand reached out, and laid upon her shoulder, as if half expected her to explode. Deanna looked from Castiel's hand to the tentativeness in his eyes, and forced herself to relax before he bolted again.
"You're getting better at that."
Deanna was jerked out her most recent nightmare by the sound of a soft whimper, flinching guiltily in reflex to the sound. Her hand was faster than her mind, trying to locate the demon-killing knife hidden under her pillow before she realized that she was on Bobby's couch.
Deanna blinked the fuzziness out of her eyes, thoughts flying instantly to Sam - as they still sometimes did, even after a year - before she remembered the last week of her life.
And that Sam hadn't whimpered in years - whined, every goddamned day, but not whimpered. Which left Mary, who she could distantly remember Cas feeding before he'd flown back to Heaven, wearing a distinctly grim expression.
Mary, tucked under her chin, smelling like baby-shampoo, and clutched to her chest with one protective arm, whimpered hungrily again.
"Okay," Deanna said, cracking her neck with a grimace. She was getting too damn old to be sleeping on couches in her clothes. She hoisted Mary onto her hip, stood up, and went into the kitchen to fix the kid a bottle.
"There you go," Deanna said after Mary started hungrily sucking on the baby formula.
Her daughter stared up at her with wide blue eyes, blank of any personality, but she did curl into Deanna's warmth, eyelashes fluttering close.
Mary was beautiful, all blonde curls and wide blue eyes, pale with a small nose. Deanna tough-as-nail Winchester felt her mouth tugging up into a smile, before she ruthlessly suppressed it.
No matter how warming her child's innocence was or how cute the kid was, she needed to be on her guard today.
For some reason, Deanna wasn't too keen on letting Sam know about Mary, or Gabriel. Or Cas know about Crowley. And not just because the questions from both would be annoying.
Just as Deanna was wondering at the possibility of conning Bobby into doing that for her - and the colourful rant the request was sure to be answered with- Ben walked down the stairs, completely ignoring the fact that it looked to be about 6am, and declared, "I don't care if you're banging him."
Deanna flinched back in complete surprise, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and why, why, why did it have to happen to her?
"Not that I think you are," Ben added at her astonished expression. "But, you know, if you wanted to...then, yeah. I mean, yeah, it's grossly disrespectful since..." Pain flashed across Ben's face, shattering his attempt at flippancy.
The kid swallowed thickly, ready to carry on before Deanna abruptly realized what the hell was happening, and interjected, in a mildly horrified tone, "Dude, stop talking."
Ben looked at her in a way that really made her feel for the kid. "You keep getting lost in each other's eyes, and it's really creepy, and I know you still like him-"
"Ben," Deanna cut him off, unsure of how to deal with a ten year old boy trying to tell her that she could screw whoever she wanted, even though his mom died a week shy of two goddamn months ago.
Deanna wasn't sure if it made her want to laugh or cry, or some twisted combination of both.
"But-"
"I'm not gonna lie to you about me and Cas, but I really..." Deanna hesitated, cradling Mary in her arms. Closing her eyes briefly, she forced the words out; "Cared...about your mom. And you don't need to say this shit, because I know you aren't okay with it."
Ben gave her a surprised look that made Deanna scoff. "C'mon, buddy, I lie professionally. But, uh, anyway - me and Cas aren't...look, that's just not gonna happen, okay?"
Deanna tried to conviently forget that she'd already kissed Cas, and that it was almost certain to happen again. It wasn't that she didn't care about Lisa, because she genuinely, honestly did - she was just a pathetic, lousy excuse for a human being.
Ben let out a relieved breath, unaware of the guilt surging inside of Deanna. "I didn't want you to feel bad..."
"Yeah," Deanna said, clearing her throat uncomfortably. They were reaching whole new levels of socially awkward, and she was quickly discovering that Ben had a certain talent in making her realize that she was the worst piece of shit in the world by complete accident. "I get that, buddy, and it's cute, really, but can we please cut the martyr crap?"
Ben looked at her, all mature and trust and naive hero-worship in his brown eyes. "You hypocrite."
He didn't mean it like an insult or as an accusation, but it made Deanna flinch anyway.
Ben was a ticking time bomb, fixed on 'repress now, deal later' since they'd left Cicero - Deanna knew the look. It wouldn't be long before he realized who'd gotten his mom killed, and started to hate her.
Deanna left Ben sitting on the couch, spooning fruit-loops into his mouth, watching cartoons like he wasn't the weirdest kid in the world, and Bobby grumpily fawning over Mary in the guise of checking on her hunting gear.
Deanna needed some breathing space before she choked on the domestic atmosphere - like Lisa wasn't already on her mind, after that disturbing talk with Ben.
Barely a moment had passed in blissful silence as she leaned against her baby, and tried to pretend that she wasn't completely screwed in the head, before a blood-boilingly familiar British accent came from behind her, "Well, if it isn't my favourite hunter."
Deanna whirled around and whipped out her gun in the exact same breath.
Crowley stood several feet away from her and her baby, wearing the usual black suit and smug smile. Deanna barely had time to aim before the British bastard disappeared, re-appeared in front of her, and clocked her one.
"Son of a bitch!" Deanna shouted, immediately taking a swing at him. Her lip throbbed viciously, bleeding a steady stream of red blood.
Crowley reeled backwards, grabbing her fist, and twisting it around behind her back. Deanna grunted in pain, as the demon slammed her into the side of her baby, pinning her to the car by leaning all of his weight on her.
"Quite," he agreed, sounding polite about it too. Deanna snarled and grunted at him, struggling to free herself.
Crowley sighed at her like she was a jumped up kid on a sugar high, and damn-near wrenched her arm out of it's socket, drawing another pained noise from her.
The demon pressed himself forcefully against her back, so that her face was slammed against the roof of her car. "Shh, petal - I didn't come here to nab your little angel-spawn."
Deanna responded to that with several colorful curse words that could have made her dad blink, and wash her mouth out with soap.
"Oooh. I'm tempted to do your lover a favour and spank all that profanity out of you," Crowley said, like he wasn't gayer than YMCA. Deanna jerked her elbow back into his ribs, rewarded with a sharp hiss.
Taking advantage of Crowley's distraction, the hunter stomped on his foot, whirling around, and decking him one in the mouth. Crowley let out a shout of pain, stumbling backwards. Deanna slammed her boot into his stomach, balled her fist and punched him in the stones.
"Ahh!" Crowley snarled, hitting the floor. Enraged, Deanna kicked him in the face, putting as much force into the blow as she possibly could. Crowley landed on his back - and kicked at her, size 10 shoes sinking into her stomach.
Deanna choked on her breath, staggering backwards, clutching her stomach. It was a brief distraction, but Crowley took full advantage of that, flying to his feet and ramming her into the side of the Impala again.
Crowley's coffee-like eyes were full of a wild fury, red face set into an expression of livid rage, but he didn't attack her again. "Listen to me, moron! I'm trying to save your worthless arse!"
Deanna barked out a harsh, painful breath that sounded a little like laughter. "Oh, please. I know about your little deal with Samuel."
"Oh, do you now?" Crowley demanded, not quite sneering. His voice had slipped back into the same cultured, calm tone. "You've spoken to Sam, then? Noticed anything different about him, have you?"
"What?" Deanna snarled with automatic outrage.
"I didn't bring him back, but I know that he didn't come back completely," Crowley gloated, relishing his words. "His soul's still in the cage with Michael and Daddy."
Deanna stilled. Unbidden, little inconsistances she'd noticed about her brother rose to her mind. Hastily, she reminded herself that Crowley was a demonic son of a bitch that wanted to tear her daughter into little pieces - he was using this as a distraction.
A half cocky smirk rose to her lip, denial replacing the burning fury in her eyes. "You're lying."
"Demons can sense their own, petal," Crowley whispered in her ears. "And your brother is as good as right now."
Then his hands moved roughly down her sides, until they reached the demon-killing knife. One hand wrapped around the handle, the other went to her neck when she tried to lurch forward.
"Gotcha."
"Guess again."
The demon jerked forward suddenly with another shout of pain. Being taller than him, holy water spalshed onto Deanna's tight tank top.
With a snarl of rage, and the sizzle of burning skin, Crowley whirled around to reveal Ben, who was holding a holy water balloon in one hand. Panic caught in Deanna's throat as Crowley jerked his hand at the kid, sending Ben flying into a near-by truck with a cry of pain.
Deanna's arm flew back, ripping the demon-killing knife from her waistband, and slicing towards Crowley's neck within the same second.
Thin air parted around her blade with a wooshing sound - Crowley wasn't dumb enough to stick around after giving her enough wiggle room to reach her weapon.
Shoving the knife into her waistband, Deanna pushed off her baby, and ran across the yard to Ben, who was sitting up and groaning by the time she reached him. Deanna grabbed the kid's head, frantically inspecting him for wounds. There were none - he would have a nasty bump, but he wasn't even bleeding.
Some of Deanna's worry ebbed away.
"You alright, buddy?"
"Uh - yeah," said Ben, sounding surprised by her display of concern. He blinked up at her with wide brown eyes. "Are you?"
Deanna hesitated before crushing the kid briefly to her chest. "Yeah, yeah." She released the astonished boy, ruffling his hair, careful to avoid the bruising area. "Thanks to you."
Ben's cheeks turned pink at her gruff praise, causing him to duck his head. "I was going to see if you needed any help, when I heard..."
Deanna stiffened. "How much did you hear?"
"Do you believe him?" Ben's question answered hers.
"Demons lie."
"But do you believe him?"
Deanna wanted to say no. She needed to say no, to believe Sam was still her geeky brother - so what if he was acting a little weird? Hell changed people, let alone being used and abused by Lucifer. Besides she was hardly acting like the cocky little shit she'd been before her stint in Hell.
It was garbage, complete bullshit. But something inside of her refused to let her dismiss Crowley's words as the lie that it had to be.
"Let's get inside," Deanna found herself saying. "We should tell Bobby that you just kicked your first demon's ass."
Ben looked at her for a moment. "Can I have a beer?"
Deanna scoffed at the thought. "Give it a few years."
