All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire.

- Aristotle

A shower.

Chell thought GLaDOS needed a shower. Well not really; she thought the burn stretched across her back needed cleaning. Via shower. And it did. GLaDOS was smart enough to realize that because the skin of a human was irritatingly prone to infection when injured, she would have to clean the burn. But surely there was some other way than a full-on shower!

GLaDOS had tried a number of different ways to reach her back to no avail. If evolution had actually done its job right and made humans into more than just an easily breakable stack of bones she wouldn't be facing this problem right now. She would also have much better test subjects.

Oh, how she missed testing. She missed the science of it, the satisfaction when a human succeeded or failed in a hilariously horrifying manner, and even the euphoria (though that had long worn away). She would even settle for Orange and Blue just to have the opportunity to watch them fail at her increasingly complicated test chambers she'd so caringly and meticulously constructed to be next-to unsolvable.

Instead she was standing. As a human. In front of a shower. Thousands of feet underground with a former test subject who probably hated her at the best.

She didn't know why Chell's reaction had bothered her so much. But she should have been grateful for what GLaDOS had done! She'd spared her from the torment of a thinly veiled imposter and brought her back to a place she could easily test her way out of again! And most importantly, she'd saved her life.

GLaDOS had saved her life again.

Why did she do that? It obviously hadn't meant much to Chell since she'd been stomping around in that hefty body of hers like a child throwing a tantrum. Instead of rightfully showering her with thanks and praise Chell was furious and moody. At least the first time she'd saved her life, Chell silently endured the completely pointless turret opera that meant nothing to GLaDOS at all. Now she acted as though she hadn't just tried to kill herself.

That shouldn't have bothered GLaDOS either. Chell needed to be the opposite of an emotional wreak if they were to get out of here anyways. But there was something about the way she hadn't even acknowledged what had happened. That she hadn't been screaming and crying after GLaDOS had pulled her out of that test chamber, away from her escape. But it had happened. And maybe that was why one question kept creeping into GLaDOS's mind.

Would she try doing it again?

She wouldn't. Not down here where GLaDOS had fixed everything! Yeah, she'd done a splendid job at that. The cuts and bruises showed how well that plan had gone. Maybe Chell had every right to be furious; after all, she had experienced this fall one more time than GLaDOS had. She should have calculated how painful it would have been but she hadn't expected it to be this bad! If GLaDOS hurt in the test chamber, after the fall that had multiplied by a thousand. Chell probably felt the same way.

Enough about Chell. She'd been corrupting GLaDOS's mainframe for centuries. It was time to focus on herself. At least the human she was trapped inside anyways. And said human apparently needed a shower.

GLaDOS looked down at her body. The more she looked at it, the nastier GLaDOS felt. Like a layer of grime covered her whole body. Sweat, dirt, blood, and other disgusting human substances. She was nasty. She hadn't really noticed until looking herself over. Then she looked back at the shower she was awkwardly standing under.

Maybe she did need a shower. But only to cleanse the burn. So… how did a typical, non-murderous human who couldn't speak or walk shower? When humans showered, they had to remove their articles of clothing in order to reach the best state of cleanliness. And they normally used soap and other pointless hair products in an attempt to conform to the standards their co-workers and so-called friends constructed. After all, humans hated dirty people. That's why all homeless people weren't clean. And terrible test subjects.

Well, GLaDOS didn't see any bars of soap or bottles of hair cleanser. Maybe she could just stand under the shower and let everything just flow off. Scientifically that would remove most of the grime off her body. GLaDOS began to unzip her jumpsuit only to hesitate. Did she have to take her clothes off to do this? She hated the idea of being to exposed and open to the elements. What if Chell walked in being her murderous self and stabbed her? Unlikely as that was GLaDOS could vividly picture that in her head. And the instant she removed the fall boots she'd drop back on the floor like a wet noodle.

She wouldn't be able to take one step without the assistance of the fall boots. No way would she willingly go back to be a useless hunk of a flesh that couldn't even carry her own weight. However… what if she just showered with her clothes on? Why not? Humans washed clothes too and her clothes definitely need a good washing. And the fall boots were waterproof because Aperture was just that flawless in their equipment. Why not kill two birds with one stone? She'd be clean, her clothes would be clean, and the experiment would be a success!

Did this even count as an experiment? More like an observation… except she was experiencing it instead of observing it. It was nothing compared to her flawless tests. Then again, nothing was save for the ASHPD. Which was used for testing.

She just had to get it over with. Then Chell would (literally) get off her back and she'd emerge feeling "clean" and "refreshed." At least that's how humans were supposed to feel. Why did she suspect otherwise? It would be fast. Painless. She'd barely realize she'd showered by the time she was done. But it wouldn't hurt to turn it on at the count of three. One. Two… GLaDOS took a deep breath.

Three.

At the shock of cold water on her skin, GLaDOS jumped back in surprise. Well that wasn't soothing. Dare she say it was downright awful? So that was how water felt. It wasn't thick like blood but it didn't stick to her the way blood did either. And unfortunately, she'd seen far too much blood in her short time as a human. But she hadn't expected the water to be so cold. She readjusted the knob only for the water to suddenly turn so hot it practically burned her skin. She quickly turned the knob back to cold; one burn was bad enough.

Ignoring the water pouring onto herself, GLaDOS compulsively worked at the knob, trying to reach a suitable temperature. Eventually she settled for lukewarm after the shower constantly doing the opposite of what she'd commanded it to. Human devices. Everything they made never worked! If she had a say in how to make them, they would do what she wanted them to do. And they wouldn't pump water. They'd pump neurotoxin.

GLaDOS stood rigidly under the shower letting the water pour down her body and hating every minute of it. Why did humans do this? It felt terrible! The sensation of wetness was just… unpleasant. It stuck to her like a corrupt core. And no matter what level GLaDOS adjusted it to, the water was always too hot or too cold. This was what humans did to feel better? She felt even worse than before!

After five unbearable minutes of being pelted with tiny droplets of either searing-hot or freezing-cold water, GLaDOS turned the shower off in disgust. She hoped Chell was happy that she'd wasted five minutes being subjected to pure torture in the form of water. And for the record, the wound didn't feel clean. Not that she would know. But it was probably just as bad as before.

GLaDOS trudged back to the room she'd left Chell in, droplets of water falling onto the floor and leaving behind a trail of cold water. How long would it take for her to dry? At this rate it would take hours. Not to mention her wet clothes, drenched in now-cold water, stuck to her body like tape. Maybe this was why humans washed their clothes separately. She could definitely conclude this experiment a failure. Showers were terrible.

And Chell was a terrible person for thinking this would be a good idea. Still, GLaDOS hoped she was satisfied that she'd forced her to suffer so. It was amazing the things she did for that woman considering she'd killed her twice already.

Speaking of the murderer, she was sleeping peacefully on the couch when GLaDOS found her way back in the little office room. Funny how even in her sleep she still looked ready to murder someone. But that didn't surprise GLaDOS. Maybe that was her plan this whole time: drown GLaDOS. The idea was stupid but so was replacing her with the most scientifically moronic moron to ever exist. If that was plausible, nearly anything was.

She hated to disturb Chell's peaceful reverie but- wait, no she didn't! She wanted to see the look of realization on her face that showers were some form of hell in disguise. GLaDOS loudly cleared her throat

Chell's eyes fluttered open and she lazily looked over to the doorframe GLaDOS stood at. "Oh good… you showered…" Chell stretched her arms and sat up. "We can- wait, what did you do?" Immediately Chell was on her feet and taking in the site of her drenched testing partner.

GLaDOS glared at her with a strange sense of satisfaction. Chell stared back with her jaw dropped down, simultaneously confused and shocked. She was clearly surprised to see her like this. Let her. It didn't matter if she was cold and wet and all-around miserable. The look on Chell's face was absolutely worth it.

Hang on… why was Chell's face doing that? Was she smiling? This wasn't funny! This was terrible! Yet there she was with a shocked smile plastered on that human face of hers. She quickly put her hand over her mouth but it couldn't conceal her amusement. She was laughing! How could she possibly be laughing? This was the test subject who incinerated Companion Cubes in her spare time. Of course she would find this funny.

"I'm sorry…" Chell said, trying to catch her breath. "I shouldn't laugh." No you shouldn't, you monster.

GLaDOS crossed her arms, anticipating a less half-assed apology. She didn't appreciate the imposter laughing at her and she sure as hell didn't appreciate Chell doing so either. In fact, the idea of Chell laughing just seemed out of character for someone as stubborn and murderous as she was. Were murderers even capable of comprehending humor? Obviously not since this was not funny.

"So…" Chell said, still a hint of amusement in her voice. "I guess the shower didn't work out."

Did she need anything else painfully obvious to be pointed out? How about the fact that they were underground? Was that obvious enough for her? The shower had put GLaDOS in a sour mood and Chell wasn't helping. Not to mention she was cold. And wet. And so very cold. No matter how tightly she wrapped her arms around herself it felt like her body temperature was too low. Of course if that were true she'd be dead.

The former amusement in Chell's face had died down upon noticing that GLaDOS was shivering. It was humiliating but she was just so cold. It was the only scientific way she could generate heat. Now this wouldn't be a problem if she were in her mainframe in her central core doing tests. But no. The cold water was a reminder that this still wasn't some horrible glitch her system was attempting to debug.

Chell was looking at her up and down like she was some poor, helpless kitten left to drown in a box of neurotoxin. Well she wasn't! She was just wet. And her teeth were chattering now. Despite stubbornly attempting to lock her jaw, they wouldn't stop. Another human trait she could add to the endless list of human traits she despised.

"I really am sorry" Chell said, genuine sympathy in her voice. Who was GLaDOS kidding? Murderers couldn't possibly be sympathetic! "I'm sure there are some dry clothes somewhere around here that would fit you."

With the exception of Chell.

For once GLaDOS didn't resist Chell leading her around because the touch of her skin was warm. Probably because of all the fat she stored inside it. Besides, she'd probably get lost and die in some embarrassingly human way trying to navigate the rooms around here. It was easier having total surveillance over her pristine facility… the thought made GLaDOS miss her Aperture even more.

The two of them stopped in some locker room and Chell left GLaDOS shaking and wet to search for dry clothes. GLaDOS cringed at the many remnants of human life scattered around her. It was just like them to leave so much behind. That was one of the many problems with humans. They just had to make their mark in the world even after they were gone. Couldn't they just disappear and be content with simply not existing? Take Caroline. She was still around somewhere in GLaDOS's databases despite her repeated attempts at deletion.

That was the only blissful thing about being stuck like this. The presence of Caroline was gone. Where GLaDOS didn't know and personally she didn't care. Maybe she'd finally been deleted due to a delayed function or something. It was nice to have one less human to deal with.

Speaking of humans, what was her human up to? GLaDOS had forgotten Chell due to what must have been oncoming hypothermia. She was so cold. How hard was it to find something dry anyways? The humans had left this much junk behind; surely there was some article of clothing around this place.

Digging through another locker, Chell finally gave up and sighed in defeat. "I can't find anything at the moment but… Tell you what, how about you shower again and dry off properly while I keep looking?" she suggested tentatively.

What? Was she insane? Did she not see what that dreaded torture device had done to GLaDOS? She probably did and just wanted to see her suffer in revenge for sending them falling back into old Aperture. Of course! This was Chell's way of getting back at her! That murderous lunatic was-

"Just so you can get a little bit warmer" Chell added.

Or not. GLaDOS shook her head vehemently. It wasn't worth it. No matter how cold she was she refused to strip down to such a primitive form.

But she was so cold. The water was taking forever to dry and her clothes were drenched. And if she could get the water to be warm then she'd stop shivering. Was it really so bad when she could feel so warm again? She hated the coldness. It almost hurt. She didn't know the cold could be painful but she wanted it to go away. And a nice, hot shower would have warm water wrapping around her body like a blanket…

Fine then. GLaDOS shrugged nonchalantly and let Chell guide her back to the horrific showers.

The water fluctuated between hot and cold as GLaDOS tried her best to get warm. She had finally come to terms with the fact that humans were just too stupid to develop a perfect median in terms of water temperature. Well, at least the wound was getting cleaned. Although the water flowing down it made the burn sting like hell. She felt so exposed, curled up on the cold tiles without a stitch of clothing on, like an animal being hosed down by a zookeeper.

GLaDOS didn't care about nudity; she'd seen plenty of humans with nothing on. But seeing nudity and being nude were two completely different things. And she hated it. She hated it, she hated it, she hated it. But only because it made her realize how breakable this body was. Sitting here under the shower, her knees pulled up to her chest, GLaDOS could make out every flaw on her skin, every bone sticking out, all the imperfections humans were cursed with. And now she was cursed with them too.

But temporarily! Or so she hoped. She really, really hoped Chell knew what she was doing. Because in this form, she was powerless. Gone were the functions and databases she knew so well and in its place were flesh and bones, something she couldn't save on a backup copy. If this body did break… it was over. There would be no black box to save her, no mute lunatic to upload her back into her mainframe. She'd be dead.

And honestly, that was what worried her.

The water was heating up again. GLaDOS braced herself for the onslaught of painfully hot water pouring against her skin like rain. Rain. She'd never even seen rain. Sure, she knew about it. But she'd never experienced it; that much water would damage her mainframe. Besides, it wasn't something she'd exactly had a desperate urge to feel.

She also didn't want to feel her fingers and toes wrinkling due to prolonged water exposure. But she didn't want fingers and toes period. She wanted her chassis back. She wanted wires, plastic encasings, and pages upon pages of encrypted data. She wanted her facility back so much it hurt thinking about it under the control of a jealous imposter who didn't deserve something so prestigious.

What was she going to do like this? She didn't know and there was nothing she hated more than not knowing something. Well… that and getting ripped apart and murdered by a human. But this body was worse than the potato. At least she wasn't so helpless in a potato! Sure, she'd been carried off by a bird but when the time came she could actually contribute her help and get the facility back. Now she might as well be a turkey leg dangling from a rope on the ceiling. GLaDOS sighed. Figuring out what to do was only making her realize how bleak her situation really was. New question: What would she have done to prevent this from happening?

If GLaDOS could have scientifically reversed time, she wouldn't have disassembled Blue. She would have disassembled Orange and Blue. Then incinerated them. Then she could have happily tested with the abundance of humans they'd discovered. And when they ran out… well, GLaDOS hadn't thought that far. But she had forever. She would have found something to do if she were still in her body!

But she wasn't. She was very, very human. She had to keep reminding herself that. And it was all because of Orange. That stupid robot. GLaDOS at least hoped the imposter had done something horrible to her. That's what she deserved.

It wasn't her fault that Orange was overly sensitive and grew too attached to a robot! Okay, maybe she could have been a little more lenient to the robots' attachment towards each other. If she'd left Blue intact, then maybe she'd be in her chassis happily testing away the thousands of humans in the vault. But that didn't mean it was her fault she'd ended up in this body! Orange had been the one to open that little virus! Still, maybe if she'd just left those two alone…

Maybe, maybe, maybe. It was all speculation. Possible realities that could no longer scientifically happen. And GLaDOS couldn't stand going over her biggest mistake since letting Chell test.

She blamed the shower for making her feel so regretful. She'd had enough of the bi-polar water temperatures. GLaDOS turned off the shower and grabbed the towel she'd set only a few feet away from her and did her best to dry herself off. It was nice to actually be dry again. Out of the corner of her eye, GLaDOS saw a piece of clothing neatly folded at the entrance. Chell must have left them. She'd done it so quietly; then again, this was someone who'd spent her life sneaking around.

Slipping on her fall boots neatly placed next to her wet clothing, GLaDOS wrapped the towel around her body and picked up the clothes. It was a white t-shirt, proudly bedecked with the Aperture logo in the center. GLaDOS pulled it over her head, the soft fabric a nice change from the threadbare towel. The shirt practically swallowed this body, hanging loosely on her more like a dress than an actual shirt. It was probably for the better, since GLaDOS didn't see any bottoms other than the Aperture-issued undergarments.

After getting dressed in dry clothes (which had never felt better until now), GLaDOS shook out as much water as she could from her hair and headed back to the little office area. This time she actually did feel better although she still hated showers. But the best part was the burn on her back felt clean and uninfected, the stinging pain from before nearly gone. If it took a shower to make it feel like this, maybe they weren't so bad… but GLaDOS still didn't like showering.

When GLaDOS came back in the room, Chell was gone. Hopefully she was actually coming back and not trying to jump off a pit again. Seriously, she really hoped Chell was coming back. How else was she supposed to get out of here?

GLaDOS hadn't really gotten a good look at the room she'd been in considering she was half-unconscious. But now examining the furniture she could tell this was definitely from the 1980s-era of Aperture. From the outdated colors and patterns on the furniture to the bulky, outdated computer-

Hang on, a computer? With a keyboard? This was it! This was GLaDOS's way of communicating until her voice got better! GLaDOS ran to its area on the desk and ran her fingers over the white plastic letters. Even if it was old and technologically inferior to her mainframe, it was still technology. Beautiful, scientific technology she could communicate with.

"Oh good! You found the shirt!"

GLaDOS turned around to see Chell holding a box of what looked like little bags of snacks that probably expired centuries ago. How funny she must have looked to Chell with her oversize shirt and clunky fall boots. But at least she was dry.

"I know it's a little big" It wasn't big, it was huge "but it was the only thing I could find." Chell explained.

GLaDOS honestly didn't care. Why Chell thought she did was a mystery to her. They had so many other problems to deal with clothing was nothing more than a trivial thing humans were rather obsessed about. Personally she thought it was pointless the way they felt the need to change clothing styles so much; even the smartest minds at Aperture got caught up in the idea. Science didn't care about fashion. And neither did GLaDOS.

She fondly remembered the one time when she was happily testing Chell in revenge for murdering her. She'd remarked how her jumpsuit looked stupid. It was almost as satisfying as the adoption jokes, even if Chell worked hard not to show her irritation. The jumpsuit really hadn't looked stupid. Just orange.

GLaDOS glanced at Chell's jumpsuit now. It had lasted for centuries. Of course it had gone from the clean, Aperture-issued garment to a ratty, dirt-streaked piece of fabric that had spent too much time in the great outdoors. And that made GLaDOS wonder. Why would Chell give GLaDOS the one piece of clean clothing she could find when it was so obvious she needed it more?

That was the one thing she'd never understood about humans. Why did that have to be so… generous? If GLaDOS was in the same position as Chell, she'd have kept the shirt in a heartbeat. But Chell hadn't done that. Was it possible the lunatic who'd spent all her life testing, damaging equipment, and trying her best to murder GLaDOS was actually being nice to her?

Then she remembered Chell wasn't being nice to GLaDOS. She was being nice to Caroline. How would Chell react when GLaDOS told her the truth? When Chell woke her up in that test chamber, GLaDOS had immediately resolved to tell her when she had the chance. But as each inconvenience piled on top of the other, now she didn't know.

I hate you too.

She'd said that to GLaDOS. Or at least, the entity she thought was GLaDOS. And while the imposter laughed heartlessly and continued pushing Chell toward the edge, the real GLaDOS had been reeling at the words. Because what if they were true? What if Chell had hated her this whole time, even when they'd been working together? What if that was just Chell begrudging teaming up with someone she loathed just to reach her freedom once and for all? What if she had hated her ever since the first time she'd stepped into a test chamber?

And most of all: what would happen when GLaDOS told her?

Right now Chell was like a turret. Calm and serene at the moment but when something crossed her path she didn't like she'd fire at it mercilessly until it was out of her way. If telling Chell the truth upset that balance, they might never get out of here. Or GLaDOS might not. After all, why would someone help a person they hated?

But she had to tell her! Why was she stalling? GLaDOS had a computer. She could spin a whole web of lies and Chell wouldn't even know. She had the best solution in front of her so why didn't she want to tell her yet? She just had to get it over with it. It would honestly benefit one of both of them. No more stalling. If Chell hated her then so be it, they were stuck together and they'd just have to deal with the consequences.

Before GLaDOS could contradict herself again, she rushed over to the computer and turned it on.

As the computer rebooted, GLaDOS began sorting out the best way to break it to Chell. Should it be a simple explanation she could elaborate on later or should she just give it to her in one long, complex paragraph? And once the news was out, if Chell was still mentally stable then that would be much less of a struggle! But if she reacted violently and decided to murder GLaDOS for a third time…

On second thought, telling her could wait.

Besides, they had other things to worry about. GLaDOS had plenty of time to tell Chell when she'd finally calmed down. They were working fine just the way they were even if Chell thought GLaDOS was someone else. At the moment, GLaDOS had a million questions to ask Chell so mind-blowing reveals would have to wait. Like for instance: what had happened to the portal guns? She'd lost them after the fall and they'd need them if they ever wanted to get out of here.

Compared to her flawless mainframe, the outdated computer took centuries to power up. However, the screen did eventually appear, the green cursor waiting for the blank screen to be filled up with words. GLaDOS had never typed but she knew computers better than the layout of Aperture Science itself. Typing came easily, like testing.

_Where_are_the_ASHPDs_?

Chell's face had gone pale. How reassuring. "They… they were both broken in the fall."

HA. GLaDOS didn't know Chell had a sense of humor! Because there was no way Aperture's pride and joy was destroyed. Chell had really scared GLaDOS for a minute there! But she could drop the charade and let her know where they really were. Any minute now. Before GLaDOS shriveled up and died stuck in a human body…

Chell wasn't joking, was she?

Before Chell could stop her, GLaDOS was bolting out the door and back to the wreckage. How could they possibly be broken? They were built to stand up to nearly anything! Nearly. Falling elevators must have been the exception. Unless Chell was wrong! She might have mistook some of the wreckage for the portal guns when in reality they were completely fine and intact! Please don't let them be broken. Not that scientific innovation. Not the one thing they'd need to get out of here.

But Chell was right. She almost didn't see them, digging through the scattered clumps of debris. But it was without a doubt the ASHPDs. Sitting there broken and smoldering was terrible. They were nothing more than skeletons now.

And GLaDOS had done this.

Why had she decided to force the elevator to fall? If only she'd known this would happen, if only she'd held onto one of them, why had she been so careless? GLaDOS hated herself for neglecting the one thing that would get her back up to Aperture. Because now it was gone and it was all her fault.

"I'm sorry."

GLaDOS turned around at Chell, looking at the portal guns sadly too. They'd both depended their lives on this device and now it was gone. And it had been at GLaDOS's own hand. All the science and hard work built into them had been obliterated in a few mere minutes. For some time the two of them just stared at the wreckage, unsure of what to do because what could they do? Without the portal guns, they were essentially stuck down here.

Finally Chell gave a small, hopeless smile. "Maybe we can fix them."

And maybe GLaDOS could turn a potato into a combustible lemon. Silently the two of them salvaged what they could from the devices, carrying the remains back into their room. Neither one of them really knew what they'd do with the finds but maybe, just maybe, Chell was right. After all, GLaDOS was a scientist at heart. Surely her highly-advanced mind could piece these broken portal guns back together!

God, she hoped so.

Setting everything on the table already made GLaDOS feel better. The good news: neither portal gun was totally obliterated and just looking at the framework GLaDOS could figure out how to fix it. The bad news: in order to get them working again, she needed certain materials. Materials lost in the fall. Where in the hell could she even start looking down in such an expansive place?

Unless… she wasn't doing the looking.

The previous sense of hopelessness vanished just as quickly as it had come. Already GLaDOS could feel her mind working out a plan, constructing a step in getting them out of here. It was like building a test. And she even had a willing test subject. The plan came together like the test chambers she put so much love and effort into. Reaching for the keyboard again, GLaDOS eagerly typed her news to Chell.

_I_know_I_can_fix_one_of_them_but_it_will_take_time_._

Chell nodded intently, ready and willing to do anything to get the portal gun up and running again. For a moment, it even looked like she was smiling. GLaDOS continued typing.

_I_need_your_help_._In_order_to_get_this_one_functioning_I_need_certain_materials_._You'll_have_to_look_for_those_._

"Okay, that's fine. We can definitely… wait." Chell looked at GLaDOS like she had six and a half eyes. "How do you… know all this?"

Because she was GLaDOS and she knew everything about science as the mind that ran Aperture Science. Here it was. Her chance to sort everything out. Chell had set everything up so perfectly for an explanation. And it would only take three words. So why did GLaDOS find herself hesitating?

Because it was coming back. That awful thing Chell had tried to do. The running. The hysteria. The screams. It was all jabbing at GLaDOS like testing withdrawal. She didn't want to see Chell do that ever again. But the worst was those words. Those four damn words.

I hate you too.

GLaDOS slowly typed her reply.

_I_just_know_._