A couple refills later, Jude found herself feeling the effects of the champagne. She was a little surprised, since she generally had a pretty good tolerance for alcohol. Maybe it was because, between pregnancy and breastfeeding and Tommy's sobriety, she hadn't really been drinking much at all for the past year, but she was definitely tipsy now even though she hadn't had that much. "Okay, yeah, we need to put that away now," she said, handing the bottle to Benjamin. "If I drink much more, I will be drunk, and drunk producing is probably not the best idea in the world."
"I'm sure you'd still be brilliant." His voice had dropped, becoming huskier, or maybe she was imagining it? Either way, it was having a strange effect on her. He was an attractive guy, and she'd always known that, but somehow she hadn't recognized just how good looking he was until now, with his clear blue eyes and his long, long lashes, standing out against the smooth, light brown of his skin. She wasn't prepared for the feeling of desire that welled up in her under his strangely intense gaze.
"You think?" she laughed, a little breathlessly. "I'm not too sure about that."
"You're amazing," he said, softly. His face was very close to hers, and she could feel his breath fan out across her face, smell mint and champagne. His lips looked soft. She bit her lip.
"Benjamin…" she said carefully. It was a warning, to him and to herself.
"I mean it," he said. And he did. She could see in his face that he meant every word. His startlingly blue eyes were wide in some kind of wonder. "You're incredible, Jude Harrison. You're talented, and beautiful, and strong. Watching you work, it was magic." Her pulse quickened, her breath catching in her throat. He was far too close now. She should pull away… "Jude," he whispered her name again. "I know I shouldn't, but all I can think about is kissing you."
"Benjamin, I…" she breathed, trying frantically to think clearly, but her head was spinning from champagne, and more than that, from the closeness of him. Pull away, Jude.
And then his lips were on hers. She needed to stop him, she needed to pull away, but her lips parted under his, and his hands were in her hair, and then it felt too good to stop. It had been ages since anyone other than Tommy had kissed her like this, and, honestly, it seemed like ages since Tommy had. She hadn't realized how numb she'd felt for the last few months. When she kissed Tommy these days, the emotions there were complex. She loved him, and she was still attracted to him, but he was also her dead daughter's father, and Jude found herself unable to separate the two for long when she was with him, finding herself overcome with grief before she could lose herself in him.
As Benjamin kissed her, she felt guilt at this betrayal of her relationship, but she did not feel grief. For what was maybe the first time in months, she didn't think of her daughter. When he slipped a hand under her shirt, she didn't stop him. She wanted to feel his skin on hers.
I am going straight to hell, she thought dimly as he climbed on top of her, pressing her into the couch. She didn't stop him as he got undressed, kissing her neck, her collarbone. She didn't stop him when he unhooked and removed her bra, flicking his tongue across one of her nipples, making her gasp. When he produced a condom from his wallet and looked at her, questioningly, she found herself nodding, giving him permission to place the final nail in the coffin of her fidelity.
It wasn't until he was inside her that the tears came, and with them she came to her senses, everything in her suddenly screaming "no". She froze, going completely still underneath him. "Stop," she whispered, her voice hoarse. "Stop, Benjamin, please," she said, louder. "Stop, stop! I can't."
He stopped, looking at her in confusion. "What?"
"I can't do this," she said with a sob, pushing at his shoulders. "I can't. Get– you need to get off me. Please, I can't do this."
He did as she asked and got off of her. "Jude… Why…" He looked a little angry, but mostly just confused and hurt.
As soon as his weight left her, she rolled off the couch, grabbing her underwear and pulling it on, frantically searching for her bra and trying to hook it again, pointedly not looking at Benjamin as tears blurred her vision. She dressed in a panic. "Jude! Jude, wait." Benjamin kept saying her name, trying to get her to look at him, but he didn't try to physically stop her, for which she was grateful. When she was fully dressed, if disheveled, she looked back at him, putting a hand out and saying "No, I'm sorry. This was a mistake. I can't." She practically ran from the room, not realizing until she was halfway down the hall that she was still barefoot, her shoes having been kicked off well before the kissing had started. Even though the place seemed deserted, she knew Benjamin wouldn't follow her before getting re-dressed himself.
She took refuge in the women's bathroom, fixing her clothes and staring at her wide, teary eyes in the mirror. She noticed with a surge of guilt and disgust that her lipstick was smeared. She turned on the sink and splashed water on her face, trying to rub it off. A red spot on her neck made her gasp in horror before she realized it wasn't a hickey, just more lipstick.
It had happened so fast, one second he was leaning in and the next… A minute, maybe two, and she'd made the worst mistake possible. He had kissed her, and that was all it had taken for her to betray the most important person in her life. Seven years of loving Tommy and all it had taken…
When her skin was red from scrubbing it hard with a paper towel, but clean of any trace of what she'd done, Jude braced herself to go back to the studio, to get her shoes at the very least. She was relieved when she opened the door and found the room empty. She slipped her shoes back on and sat down at the computer, putting her head in her hands.
"Jude!" came a voice from the doorway. Benjamin.
She groaned without turning. "Please go away." She felt his hands on her back, trying to turn her to look at him, and her stomach turned at the contact. She turned to him, if only to get him to stop touching her. "I can't do this, Benjamin. Do you understand?"
He sat down in the other chair, looking at her pleadingly. "No, Jude. Please."
"That?" She pointed to the couch. "That never happened. Do you hear me?"
"No!" he protested. "No way am I going to let you pretend that that didn't mean anything."
"It didn't!" she cried. "It was a stupid, stupid mistake, and that's it," she said firmly.
"I think I'm falling in love with you." His voice was soft.
Jude's stomach plummeted. "No you are not," she said emphatically. "Don't you dare confuse this with love."
"I think you're amazing," he said, in the same husky tone as before, but this time it just made her feel sick.
"I don't care!" she practically shouted. "I am with someone, Benjamin. I love him! We had a baby together!"
"Relationships end."
"Not mine!" Jude cried. "Not this one!" Tears sprang to her eyes. "You don't understand. You've known me for what? Just over a week? I have been in love with Tommy for almost seven years. We've been through hell and back, more than once. You cannot understand what we have. It's been really hard lately, and I messed up tonight. I seriously, seriously messed up. But I will never throw away what I have with Tommy."
"You think he'll forgive you, if he finds out?" Benjamin asked in a tight voice.
"I… I don't know." Jude felt panic in her chest at the thought. "I will fight like hell to make sure he does. But even if he doesn't, you and I will never happen."
"You wanted me to kiss you," he protested weakly. "You did. You wanted that. All of it."
"I made a mistake," she said again, firmly. "I'm not saying it's all your fault. It's mine too. But that's what it was. A mistake. One that will never ever happen again".
"Jude…" He was looking at her with a forlorn expression and she couldn't take it anymore.
She sighed. "Can you just… get out, please? Please go home."
"No! What about the song? The album? My music?"
She nodded. "Your part in the single is done. I'll finish it, like we were already planning, and then I'll go to Nora and tell her that you and I can't work together anymore. She'll find someone else to do your album, and your career will be fine."
"You're going to throw this away?" he asked, gesturing between them. "We have something, Jude. Even if it's just musical chemistry, we have something, and you can't throw that away!"
"You crossed a line, and you can't un-cross it!" Jude shouted. Benjamin looked like she'd slapped him. He opened his mouth to protest, but Jude cut him off before he could. "Okay, okay, we crossed a line. We did. Both of us. But the point stands. You just told me you love me, and because of that, I cannot work with you ever again. For both our sakes. We may have had musical chemistry, we may have had a good professional relationship, but we don't anymore. That went up in smoke the second you decided to kiss me, and I let you. Do not come in tomorrow. After this single, I am not your producer."
Benjamin looked at her, betrayed, for a long moment. "Fuck you," he said quietly. "Seriously? Fuck you, Jude. You and that asshole deserve each other." He slammed his hand down on the edge of the board, making her jump, then pushed himself up out of the chair.
"Wait," she said, when he was at the door. He turned around, and she turned in the chair to face him. "I'm sorry. I really am so, so sorry. If I led you on, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm leaving you as producer. I'm sorry. Okay?"
He frowned at her for a moment, but then nodded. "Okay."
"Look, you… you can't tell anyone about this. Please. Please. I know you're angry at me, and you have a right to be, but please don't tell anyone about this. If it gets to the tabloids…" She squeezed her eyes shut at the thought. "Just… please. You can't."
"What sort of person do you think I am?" He was still frowning, but his expression was strangely unreadable.
She was a little taken aback, not knowing quite how to answer. "I think… you're a good guy. I think you're kind, and immensely talented, and I think you're really going places in your career. But I also think you're very ambitious, and that you're hurt, and in this industry I've seen people do worse for less."
He raised one eyebrow. "It would get my name out there."
Jude sighed, fighting back tears. "It would. I suppose that's one way to break into the public eye. It would get your name known." She shook her head. "Your name, Benjamin. Not your music. If what you're after is fame, you can use me to get that, if you want to. I probably won't be able to stop you. But being a guy who slept with Jude Harrison won't get people to take your music seriously."
"It might get them to listen."
"Maybe a few people will buy the single because of it. It'll get you interviews, maybe get your music airtime if you're very lucky. And because I'm the woman, I'll be the one they blame, the one they call a whore. But they'll think of you as a womanizer, and that's a label you won't escape. I've watched Tommy try to get rid of it for years now so people will take him seriously, and it's not even how he was first discovered. Right now, you have an audience that connects to you as a person, and connects to your music. Almost all of them just want to support you. Do you know how rare that is? If you try to throw me under the bus and ride this story to fame, I promise you that you'll alienate them. People might know your name, but they won't think of you as a serious musician. They won't respect you."
"Wait, are you giving me career advice?" he asked, sarcastically. "I thought you weren't my producer anymore."
"I think you know that I'm right, Benjamin," she said, fighting to continue sounding calm. "When we first met and I asked if you were in it for the fame, you said 'I just want people to hear my music.' Let me put it this way. With this story you can be Kim Kardashian, but you cannot be Bob Dylan. Please just keep that in mind, even if you don't care about me and my career, or the fact that I am literally begging you not to tell anyone. Please."
"Fine!" he snapped. "I'll keep my mouth shut. I wasn't planning to tell anyone anyway. Happy?"
"No," she sighed. "Not happy. I'm… I'm so sorry."
"You mentioned that." He rolled his eyes and turned away again.
"I will do this single justice, Benjamin," she said as he left. "That I promise you. It's a great song, and it's going to kill. Okay?" He didn't respond, just walked back out through the empty building.
She tried to listen to the song again, to continue working on it, but the sound of his voice made her feel sick, and her head was spinning. Instead, she saved the files, reset the board, and then straightened up the studio, throwing away their containers from dinner and the half-empty bottle of champagne. She hid the condom and its wrapper inside other trash, and she thought she might actually be sick at the way the guilt felt like dirt coating every inch of skin Benjamin had touched. After washing her hands, arms and face four or five times, the most she could do without a shower, she went back to the studio and lay down on the couch, too exhausted to let the thought of what had happened there overcome how comfortable it looked.
At around 4:30, Jude fell into a fitful sleep.
A/N: This was not the plan. It wasn't until I was writing the chapter that's two before this one that I figured out what was going to happen here. (That's actually after I introduced Benjamin as a character, it wasn't my original intention to have him play this role.) I actually sent a message to my friend Chloe that said "oh no oh no oh no Chloe, I think Jude is going to cheat". I was very upset about it, but it suddenly felt to me like where the story needed to go. That's something that happened a lot with this story, the plot dragging me in directions I hadn't planned to go.
I break my own heart every time I read this chapter, especially because I know what's coming next, so I wrote an alternate ending to chapter 10 to make myself feel better. When I post the next chapter, I'll post that alternate as a chapter of my "Happy Birthday Extras" story, to help you guys feel better too.
…But then you have to go back to feeling sad because that alternate is not canon, and this story doesn't get happy any time soon. Sorry. (Not that sorry)
P.S. Please don't hate me, and please be kind in your reviews. I know Jude just made a huge mistake, and she'll pay for that mistake subsequently in this story, I promise, but please try to consider the circumstances. Some people seem to see red at the very mention of infidelity, and that's understandable, but do please try to be kind. Occasionally the Jude hate on things I've written has been somewhat violent, and I tend to take it very personally. You are ALWAYS welcome and encouraged to express your opinions on the things I write, but please try to at least do it in a way that doesn't involve calling anyone names. Thank you. And thank you again for reading.
