The haunted Chapter 11
Bellamy rushed down the corridor. He stopped before he got to the exit. He looked back towards the direction of his room. Guilt flooded over him. He left her there, and knew it was wrong, but he couldn't let it go on. He turned and slowly walked back. He met up with her in the corridor as she was leaving his room. Her eyes were swollen from crying. She stopped when she saw him. She didn't know what to say.
"Clarke, I'm sorry," he started. He hated seeing the pain on her face. "I didn't mean for things…" he didn't know what words to say.
Clarke raised her chin and put on a forced smile. She wasn't going to let him think she was crushed. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. "No, you're right, I don't know what we were thinking," she said. She was good at hiding her pain. "The last thing we need to do is spoil our friendship," she said. "You're not going to feel awkward around me now are you?" she said trying to sound casual.
Bellamy just looked at her, knowing it was already awkward. "No, I'm good. I just don't want to ruin our friendship," he said. "So were good," he asked?
"Yea… Yea were good," said Clarke. "I'm going, I was supposed to meet raven at the bar. Maybe I'll see you later?" she asked.
"Yea, sure," said Bellamy "and, Clarke… I'm sorry, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings," He added.
Clarke laughed, it was her best effort. She didn't want him to know how hurt she was. "No, hurt my feelings," she asked? "Don't be silly". Then she made a face, like it was no big deal. "Just let's not mention this to anyone, and forget it ever happened, deal?" she asked.
"It's a deal," smiled Bellamy. But his smile didn't include his eyes. He knew she was hurt, and He felt terrible. She tried to hide it, but she was too proud to let him see it, but he did. They both pretended, but neither admitted what they both knew.
Bellamy wanted her more than anything, but he knew better. He knew she deserved more, and Abby would never want her daughter to be with him. Abby was there and saw what he did first hand. Clarke couldn't imagine everything that he carried on his back. He had work to do and he couldn't do it in Arkadia. He knew he had to get away. He didn't want to abandon them, he had given Clarke such a hard time, when she left, but this was different. He needed to make it up to the people he hurt. He had to try. He thought maybe if he wasn't here, Clarke would be better off. She was still struggling with the loss of Lexa. Bellamy knew that, he knew she was rebounding from that with him, and he didn't want that. He knew he wasn't in the right head space for a relationship. After Gina, he vowed not to open his heart to anyone. He knew if he let Clarke in and it didn't work, he wouldn't recover.
He walked out in time to see Octavia returning to the stable leading her horse. He wanted to talk to her, he had to try.
Stepping inside the makeshift barn, the smell of hay was strong. He walked past several horses, two that had belonged to ice nation. The blue war paint had long since worn off and now they were just white with hints of grey. Bellamy liked them, and had only ridden a few times, but had decided to take his favorite if he left, he would need a good horse. He stopped to rub horse's nose.
She was at the end of the barn. She had seen him come in, but kept her back to him. She didn't want to have a conversation and continued removing the saddle from her horse.
"O", said Bellamy. "You know I'm here," he said. "O, talk to me," he asked. "Please."
"What do you want me to say," she said. It wasn't a question, as much as it was a statement.
"O, I want my sister back," he said. "I need you Octavia," he almost pleaded.
Octavia wouldn't look at him, it took all her strength. She still saw Lincoln when she looked at him, she saw Lincoln locked in the cell, and saw Bellamy on the opposite side.
"I don't have a brother," she said. "I can't stand to be around you." She said the words with a sharp stinging edge. She didn't turn around to look at him when she spoke. It had been said before, he had heard it before. Nothing had changed. Octavia quickly pushed her horse into the stall and shut it closed. "Don't come back here Bellamy," she said. She decided she would come back later. She needed to make sure Bellamy knew where she stood on the matter, and leaving the barn would let him know how she felt. She stormed out the back door, and headed to her room, a place she hated, but she knew he wouldn't follow her there.
Bellamy watched her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her he still loved her, but he knew she wouldn't welcome it. He watched her storm away, regretting having had tried. She still hated him. Nothing was keeping him here. He turned and looked at the white horse. He put his hand on its muzzle and patted it as silent tears streamed down his face. Then he turned with his back to the horse's stall he slid down the wall to sit alone inside the dark barn.
Bellamy closed his eyes, remembering on the ark, when it was him and Octavia. He would read to her, and make up stories. He would hold her when she was afraid, and spend hours playing with her and keeping her entertained when she was little. His heart ached, and finally he began to sob, alone in the dark. "What can I do to make it right," he asked himself; knowing there was nothing he could ever do, and knowing it would never be good again between them. Bellamy knew it was hard for her to see him, then he knew the best thing he could do for her was leave. He knew she may find peace if he wasn't there to be a constant reminder of what she had lost.
He decided he would leave at first light.
Bellamy knocked on Clarke's door. "Bellamy," she said surprised to see him standing there. "Is something wrong?" she asked.
"I'm leaving, and I thought it's only right that I tell you," he said awkwardly.
Clarke had a worried frown. "Leaving?" she asked, "is it because of earlier?' I said it was…" she began.
"No Clarke," he interrupted her, "It has nothing to do with that, I just have stuff I need to do," he said. "I can't… I…uh…" Bellamy was having trouble finding the words.
"I need to make it up to the people I hurt, and until I do that, I can't get past this, if it's even possible. Can't you see that?" he tried to explain.
"Bellamy… What about Octavia?" she asked him. But really she was the one that didn't want him to go.
She saw the pain in his eyes. "I'm doing this for Octavia. I'm a constant reminder of Lincoln, the best thing I can do for her is leave," he said.
"That can't be what she wants Bellamy," said Clarke.
"Clarke, I tried talking to her earlier. It is," he said softly with a crack in his voice.
"Clarke I can't leave without letting you know though. I'm sorry, that I gave you a hard time when you left. But, you're stronger than me, you've always been stronger. I really messed up, and now I have to try and do something about it, or I'll never get past it" he said.
She could see his eyes full of pain and she couldn't keep her own tears from spilling down her cheeks.
"Don't cry Clarke," he said softly as he tenderly wiped her tears away. "Please don't make this harder than it is," he said. Finally he leaned down and kissed her softly on the forehead.
Clarke wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tightly before finally letting go as he turned and strode away quickly before he changed his mind. Walking away from her was hard. It was one of hardest things he did.
He made Miller promise to look out for the others. To be the big brother that Bellamy had tried to be, and he made Monty promise to be there for Octavia and Raven. Saying goodbye was hard. They came looking for him after the bear attack because they were worried. If he got in trouble again he would be on his own, there wouldn't be anyone coming for him this time. He was walking away and hopefully one day would return and feel better about his self. Maybe one day he would be worthy of Clarke.
Bellamy left early the next morning. He took the white horse. Bellamy wasn't sure where to go, so he decided his first stop would be the cave they had hid from pike in. He had mapped the grounder villages when he informed Marcus of his plan to leave. He didn't ask for permission, he simply told him he was leaving. He tried to explain a little and he could tell Marcus understood. Talking to Marcus was hard for Bellamy. He felt like he was such a disappointment to the man that had taken him under his wing. He wanted to make sure Marcus knew he wasn't running. He was trying to do something to make up for his past.
