Characters:
Kiku 'Japan' Honda
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland
Matthew 'Canada' Williams
Ivan 'Russia' Braginski
Alfred F. 'America' Jones (Alfie)
Yao 'China' Wang (Yao-Yao)

Pairings: mentioned GerIta, suggested RoChu

Summary; Kiku, Jett and Matthew are happily co-existing, when their serenity is shattered by the arrival of a tentacle monster
TRIGGER WARNING: rape jokes made


It is a relatively normal October day in Kiku's Japanese home. Kiku is drawing in a small book he seems to have titled 'GerIta', and every so often a little blood drips from his nose. Jett is playing on his 3DS, whooping in excitement as he moves through his new Pokémon game. Matthew sits in the corner, fanning himself, as even a Japanese autumn is too warm for him.

Suddenly, the serene scene is shattered by the door falling, hinges ripped from the wall, and a writhing green monster wriggles into the room. Its body is hidden under a twisted mass of tentacles, the suckers leaving little circles on the floor and walls as it drags itself into the room.

"Not again!" Kiku exclaims, shoving his drawing book safely under the cushion he had been sitting on and taking up his katana.

"Again?! Fucking again?!" Jett exclaims. "How often does this happen?"

Kiku shrugs. "Just avoid the tentacles."

"Is that thing dangerous? Can I wrestle it?" Jett asks.

"You can wrestle it, so long as you don't mind tentacles shoving themselves up your…" Kiku points to his backside awkwardly. Jett nods his understanding, and slowly, wisely, backs away from the creature.

Kiku focuses back on the creature, forcing himself to breathe steadily. The katana shakes as the small Asian man trembles, and Kiku shuffles away slightly.

"What wrong?" Matthew calls out.

"It's got bigger," Kiku says sadly, "I don't know if I can take it. I'm going to lure it further into the room, and then you two escape around it, okay? There's a big green button on the inside of the front door, you need to press that, then there'll be professional help sent on its way."

Jett and Matthew are about to argue, when part of the ceiling between Kiku and the monster suddenly caves in, a large object falling from above. The object stands itself up, glaring at the monster. The monster stands its ground for a few seconds, before squeaking in fear and retreating faster than an Italian army. The object turns around, a cheery kol-kol-kol-kol escaping from his lips.

"I'm just going to, uh, send a report to the Tentacle Monster Control, so they, uh, know," Kiku shuffles past Ivan, mumbling a soft "thank you" to the hulking Russian.

"And I'm gonna go find you some vodka," Jett announces, addressing Ivan, "And text Alfie; he's gonna be so pissed when he finds out his sworn enemy was his brothers' hero!"

"Why were you even in Kiku's ceiling?" Matthew asks as Jett leaves.

"I was looking for Yao-Yao!" Ivan grins.

"But why the ceiling?" When he doesn't get an answer, Matthew just brings himself to the conclusion that it's just a Russian thing to be in people's ceilings, and asks a slightly more important question; "Now, I know you're a scary guy, but why was a tentacle monster afraid of you?"

Ivan's grin somehow gets wider, and a creepy purple aura begins to seep from his body. "In Soviet Russia, you are not raped by tentacle monster; tentacle monster is reaped by you."


Just a little something inspired by a funny Russia picture I saw. Plus, its coming up to Halloween, so we need something with monsters it it, right?

We're onto seven reviews. My promise still stands.

I don't own Hetalia, the 3DS or Pokemon, or the Tentacle Monster Control. I don't even know if the Tentacle Monster Control actually exists.
-Laurel Silver