Cas finally had a moment to himself. The evening had finally settled into a kind of calm. He heated up a kettle of water on the stove, fully intending to make a massive amount of tea for just one person. Lil was a ball of energy right up to the very minute that her head hit the pillow. It was chatter, chatter, chatter, and then it was as though someone pulled her plug. She apparently really liked the fact that Cas had performed. He had caught a couple of moments of her chatter at the diner that night. She kept telling people, that was my dad. Did you see my dad?
He had worried for a moment that she had been upset by the way that they had parted from Carter. He wasn't willing to talk about it though. He hadn't even fully figured it out yet for himself. The water came to a boil and he lifted the kettle to pour some of the water over his tea strainer. The steam puffed out around the mug. He took a deep breath of it in, enjoying the rich scent of flowers and cinnamon. He looked up at the clock and debated internally about how long he intended to stay up. He looked down at the tea and recognized a commitment there. Okay, one hour, and I'll call it a day. He decided to get on his computer to talk with Jess too. He got comfortable on his couch and set the tea aside to open up his laptop and start up the chat. He opened up his proxy server and then opened up his email.
He felt his heart thud hard in his chest. He sucked in a deep breath and held it. Cas could feel a wave of conflicting emotions taking over his body. His head was running through all of the many reasons that Dean could be contacting him after all of his time. He felt worry for a moment. What if something is wrong. What if someone is hurt. He clicked the message to open it. It was a short message, but Cas felt like it was saying so much more. I miss you. Always. He could feel an intense tightening in his chest, the strange spasm in his stomach, and a clenching sensation in his throat that threatened to become a sob. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. He thought, then he was opening up a tab to start a chat. He was having trouble seeing the screen enough to type.
He replied to Dean's message, Click the link so that we can talk. He sent him a link to the chat that he set up. He sat there waiting. He was nervous. What if Dean didn't want to see him, he thought. That's dumb. Of course he wants to see me. He just said that he missed me. In an instant he seemed to forget all of the reasons that he had crafted for why they should not speak with each other. The minutes were stretching out. He was trying to compose himself, smoothing his hair out, checking his shirt for neatness. He considered changing quickly, before Dean could respond to the invite. Then the wait was over. The chat opened, and there he was.
Cas' hand went up to his face. He's still beautiful. God, how did I leave him? He could feel his breathing coming through in sharp stabs. They both just sat there staring at each other for a few moments. Dean looked like he was in the same emotional place as he was. "Hey, Dean." He finally gulped out.
"Hey, Cas." Dean sounded the same. "God, I missed you so much." He seemed to be reaching out toward the screen while he said this, but the camera made it look like a funny movement.
Cas just stuttered out. "Everyday, everyday, Dean." He knew that he didn't make sense, and it was all he could do to talk at all.
"I know. I know." Dean was sitting there now, not seeming to be as unhinged as Cas was feeling, but still clearly touched. One tear slipped from his eye and spilled over his cheek. Dean took a quick swipe at it. "I shouldn't have bothered you yesterday, but I was just feeling so awful. It hasn't been easy."
"Come to us. You don't have to be alone. I don't want to do this alone thing anymore. I need you so much. I need you, Dean." Cas was trying to reign in his emotions. He was failing. He stared at his lips, the angle of his cheeks, the spark of light in his green eyes.
Dean lowered his head to the table in front of his laptop. His body rose and fell in sobs. He may have been saying something, but Cas couldn't hear him. He wanted to go to him, to hold him, to get him through. He needs me too. A year, more than a year, and what have we gained from this?
Dean could feel the pressure of emotions crushing him. Every ounce of love that he had felt flooded through him, overwhelmed him. He was trying to breathe. He had lowered his head to the table in an effort to suppress the emotional tide. He was failing. He thought that Cas looked the same, yet older. He had thought that he had that face memorized so perfectly. His hair was still wild. That hair. Fucking bed head, Cas. He took a deep breath and sat up. He redirected his thoughts. I have to tell him about Al.
"Things happened today that you need to know about."
Cas seemed to struggle with the conversational thread and the emotions, but he managed to say, "Yes."
"I was attacked today by Al." Cas took a sharp intake of air and leaned toward the camera as if to get a closer look at Dean, to check for damage. "I'm fine, Cas. Don't worry."
"What happened, Dean?" Cas looked worried. At least he doesn't look sad. Dean thought that he could go the rest of his life without seeing Cas look that sad again, especially since he felt responsible.
"I met with the jury forewoman that we saw in the pictures that M had. After she left the meeting, Al ran her down with his truck. I tracked him and he attacked me." Dean stopped for a moment. "I almost had him, Cas. I was so close. Everytime I get close to ending this, to getting to a place where I can come to you, I fail. I fail." He was close to losing control again. He stared at Cas and saw pain etched on his face. He wanted to touch him, to take comfort from him. Selfish. The nagging word of judgement was in his head.
Cas spoke haltingly. "Come to us, Dean."
Dean just stared at him. "I can't yet."
"No, you can. Come to us. You need us. We need you. I think that you must know how much I need you. I think that you feel it too. That tight knot in your stomach, the way that everything feels hollow, I feel that without you. Do you feel it too?"
"Yes." Dean's voice was low. "I feel empty. Someday though, I'll fix this. I have to make things safe again."
"Do you ever wonder if we were wrong? Maybe we could only be okay with each other."
Dean ran his hands up through his hair. "I have questioned everything that I have done so many times that I can hardly think of anything else." Dean wanted to redirect again. I can't give you what you want. "How is Lil?"
Cas smiled and got up from the couch to take the laptop into Lil's room. "Let me show you. She is precious when she sleeps."
For a brief moment the laptop camera was not angled in a way that allowed him to see Cas. He could see some of the house though, which was interesting. "Your house looks neat. Is it a cabin?" He remembered Garth telling him about the house. He smiled as he saw how accurate the description had been.
"Yeah. It is small, but it is home." Cas angled the camera back up to his face and smiled. "Look, there she is." He turned the camera toward Lil. Her lips puffed out, breathing out little snores.
"She still snores," Dean whispered. "She is just beautiful, Cas."
Cas carried the laptop back out to the couch and sat down. "She had a piano recital today. She was great." He was in the frame again.
Dean wanted to know more, but he felt as though he was making everything more difficult for Cas. He remembered that Garth had said that someone was interested in Cas. He didn't want to get in the way of that, and yet, he felt like he was now. Seeing Lil reminded him of how much stability mattered and how much he was taking that from them. He redirected again. "So, have you met any awesome people in Jacksonville?"
"Not so much. There are nice people here, but we stick to ourselves, mostly. Lil made a friend." Cas stopped talking abruptly, and Dean could tell that there was something that he wasn't saying. Just tell me about him, Cas. Break my heart. Make it easier.
"Anyone special in your life?"
"What are you asking me, Dean?" He's avoiding.
"Any men beating down your door for a date?" Sound casual, Dean. You want to know. You need to know.
Cas seemed uncomfortable. "I don't have any interest in seeing anyone."
"That wasn't what I asked, now, was it?"
"Doesn't matter. I am too busy being Lil's dad. That is enough. What about you? Are you seeing anyone?" Damn it.
"So, no one has asked you out?"
"I will play a little game with you that Sam taught me. I will answer your question if you reciprocate."
"Okay."
Cas seemed to shift about awkwardly. "Umm. So, there is this one guy. He is interested. I have corrected his intentions. We are friends, nothing more." Cas stared him down through the screen. Dean felt like he was going to be overwhelmed by the stare down. He did not want to answer the question that he knew Cas would ask. "So, are you seeing anyone."
Dean just sat there. he wanted to run. He didn't want to talk about it. He wasn't seeing anyone, not really, but the question implied something more, though. Fidelity.
Cas could see Dean's struggles and wondered at the answer. He had thought that if Dean were seeing someone that the conversations with Jess would have implied this. Jess and Sam, both, had been encouraging him to keep hoping. He could see now that Dean had moved on, maybe. Dean shifted about in his seat and then took off his jacket. He leaned back in his seat, and Cas could see something that set him on edge.
"I'm not seeing anyone." He said at last. The mark on Dean's neck told a different story. Cas felt the world drop out from beneath him. The words and the visual in conflict with one another.
Cas looked down from the screen and ran a hand up to his own neck before he looked back up into Dean's eyes. He could see guilt in Dean's whole demeanor. He wondered what kind of person Dean had chosen. His thoughts, though, took a more intense turn. Someone was kissing him. Someone was touching him. NO, NO, NO. He's mine. He was breathing hard now and wanted to unsee it. He told himself that he had no right to be jealous. He told himself that he had wanted this for Dean, but he knew that he never really wanted this. A little anger was creeping into the edges of his emotions too. He lied to me. Why is he lying to me? "So you are not seeing anyone, huh?" He tried to keep his voice neutral, but it wasn't quite there.
Dean tipped his head to the side a little. "I'm not. Why the tone?"
"You seem to have picked up a little something." Cas tapped his neck with a finger. His brows furrowed. He looked like he was done.
"Like I said, I am not seeing someone." He ducked his head a little, seeming a little self-conscious.
"So, that's a product of a casual hook-up?" I need to stop. I need to stop.
"Yes."
"I understand. It doesn't change how I feel. I want you to come to us." Cas gripped the table worrying over the answer that he knew he would get.
"You shouldn't be so quick to forgive. You are better than that. Have a little self-esteem, Cas."
"Fuck you, Dean. Don't act like a prick just to make me hate you. It won't happen. I still love you." He sounded angry though, and he was. He couldn't understand how Dean could move on because he hadn't been able to.
"You shouldn't. God, Cas." He looked off past the computer. "I need to go. I have a lot on my plate tomorrow."
"Sure, Dean. Sure." He waited then spoke again. "Be safe. I mean it. Don't do anything stupid."
"I won't."
It can't end like this. I won't let it end like this. Dean looked like he was about to click the close icon. Cas spoke up and stopped him. "Dean."
"Yes."
"I don't care that you found someone for a moment. It's been a year, a lonely, stupid, pointless, damnable year. It may be pathetic. You may think that I have no self-esteem, but I don't care. You are mine. You will always be mine. Always, Dean. Always. Know that no matter what, I have not given up on you, never will." Cas did not wait for Dean's response. He watched him lower his head again to the table. He couldn't let Dean speak again. He'll just say something that he doesn't mean. It will be cruel. It will hurt. Instead of waiting for the stab of those words he moved the mouse up to the close icon and clicked it.
Dean felt the words stabbing him. He felt the cold, hard edge of the table pressed into his forehead. Each of Cas' words made him feel like the worst human being ever to exist. Did I really just tell him to get some self-esteem? Did I really just admit to a casual hook-up? God, if you knew. If you knew. You'd hate me then. It would be easier for you. You should just hate me, Cas. Why can't you just hate me? I can make you hate me if I just talk to you enough. Look what I have done to you. Why can't you just see me as I am? I am dangerous. If you keep loving me, there will be only danger. You will be damned to my Hell. You deserve so much more. Lil deserves so much more.
He couldn't lift his head from the table again. He couldn't look at those blue eyes again. He couldn't bear it. How can I tell you the things that will break your heart, if I have to look at you? I just want you to be okay, far, far away from me. I don't want to ruin you. He could feel his heart racing though. He could hear Cas' words on repeat in his head. You are mine. He felt the spasm of a sob shake him. He played out the next set of words from Cas again. I have not given up on you, never will. He felt the words. He felt the love in them. He felt like there was no reason for anyone to ever trust him to get anything right. The world has given up on him, but not Cas. Never Cas. "I'm sorry, Cas. So sorry." He breathed the words out into the table top. "I love you. I love you so much. I can't do this alone thing anymore either. I can't."
His words were met with silence. He lifted his head and looked at the dark screen. Of course, you aren't there. He reached up and shutdown the computer, feeling resignation and defeat. He slowly got up and walked back to his bedroom. "It was for the best. He didn't need to hear that shit," he muttered out to the damnable silence of his empty house.
Review, Fav., Follow, Rec.
AN: So, Here is the long awaited Cas and Dean interaction. Thank you for all for the reviews and feeling the feels. I like that some of you like Carter and some are suspicious. I was starting to ship them, but Dean is too endearing, so no. Thanks Catrimc for the review and I hope that I handle Carter satisfactorily. I really appreciate the compliment. Legsinger, I am sorry about the emotional turmoil. If you ever want to punch me in the feels with a fan fic. Just let me know; I'll totally read it:P Mummabro, your comment amused me. I swear Misha singing, priceless. Sorry I made you wait Igniting. I really have to stick with the schedule though. Andi800, yippee, so glad someone knew that I was making a Capt. Jack reference. Lastly, YoungHopeful, hope you were happy with the chapter, especially since the destiel senses were tingling:)
'Till Monday
