Thanks to keljvt, Lionnara, bloodredeclipse and AlexisFoy27 for the reviews! Here is the longest chapter I have written yet!
When I woke up I was confused and disoriented, I was strapped to what felt like a table, it was loud and I was being jostled around. I reacted instinctively trying to sit up and when I couldn't I panicked and reached with my mind grabbing hold of anything and everything in my panic.
I heard a strange voice yelling and I opened my eyes to see a paramedic crouching in the back as medical supplies and broken glass rained down on him. I also noticed that Edward stood above me shielding me from the wreckage I had caused. Realizing what was happening I calmed down and passed out again.
This time when I began to stir I heard Edward voice immediately murmuring to me, pulling me towards consciousness.
'…it's ok Bella… you're ok, you're safe.' I came around pretty quickly, this time without freaking out or destroying anything. As soon as I became conscious, memories of the last time came back.
'Sorry…' Was the first word I said when I opened my eyes.
'You have nothing to be sorry for. Don't worry sweetheart.'
'The ambulance…' I said.
'A freak accident that the hospital has profusely apologized for.' He gave me a knowing smile.
'What happened?' I asked; my head so much clearer than it was before I lost consciousness.
'You had a seizure Bella; we're going back to Seattle as soon as the transport people get here so that you can have scans of your brain done. They aren't sure what caused it…' he trailed off as though he was stopping himself from saying something.
'They think it metastasized don't they.'
He gave me a grim look. 'We don't know that Bella.'
'Edward, if it did…'
'-Bella, we don't know anything yet. It's best not to guess.'
oOo
Hours later after a ride to Seattle and numerous tests Carlisle came in to give us the news.
'Your cancer has metastasized. We are now classifying your cancer as Extensive Stage because of the met in your brain. The good news is that it is the only other tumour in your body that we found, also your existing tumours are shrinking and the new one is quite small.
'The bad news is that the tumour is located in the frontal lobe of your brain, specifically it is touching Broca's Area, this is the speech centre of your brain. This tumour has also caused you to have frontal lobe epilepsy as far as we can tell. Unfortunately because the cancer has spread surgery is no longer an option.
'Since the cancer isn't as affected by this round of chemo as we hoped we are going to switch you from cisplatin to carboplatin. At least this will reduce the side effects that you are feeling; we are also going to be adding radiation to your brain to hopefully stop the growth of the tumour there.
'We're going to start you on an anti-seizure medication, but unfortunately the only way we will know if this was a one-off or if you have frontal lobe epilepsy is if you continue to get seizures.' Carlisle finished explaining. As awful as this news was, I had kind of assumed that it had spread.
'This isn't curable anymore, is it Carlisle?' I asked sadly.
He looked at me sadly and shook his head slowly 'It's not likely, I think that we could give you a couple more years but we need to find a medication that works better for you.' Edward had stiffened again, his face unreadable.
'Worst case scenario we don't find anything that works, how much time are we looking at?' I wasn't a best case scenario kind of person, nothing best case scenario ever happens to me.
Carlisle sighed 'If nothing changes we are looking at 6 months to a year.' A chair went flying across the room into the wall.
'Aiden, stop. Edward, it's fine.' I whispered to him 'That's just worst case scenario.' I tried to comfort him, he gave me a small smile and nodded.
'Carlisle what happens if the tumour in her brain continues to grow?' Edward spoke for the first time, voice strained.
'It will cause more seizures but also may cause issues with speech and word finding, it may also start to cause some memory issues because of where it is located. If any of these symptoms become suddenly worse or obvious make sure that you either tell me or go to the emergency room. I know that the seizures are scary but as long as they don't last more than 5 minutes I'm not worried about them. It will be better for Bella to wake up somewhere familiar than somewhere strange.' Carlisle explained.
I nodded in agreeance 'I don't want to rip apart another ambulance accidentally.'
Edward looked concerned and as though he wanted to argue but he just nodded instead.
'So, we're going to change your routine a bit. Instead of one hour of chemo twice a week for three weeks with three weeks off we are changing it to once a week for four hours. We aren't going to give you time off this time, just the 6 days between doses; we need to hit this cancer hard. We're going to continue with radiation as normal except we will be adding radiation to your brain as well as your lungs. We're going to try this for one month before we do more scans to see how the cancer is reacting.'
I just nodded, I was emotionally drained and I just wanted to go home.
oOo
Edward didn't leave my side all weekend, and I'm assuming that he had told Alice to stay away because she hadn't shown up since before I had the seizure. I was relieved that my doctors had decided to put my treatment day on Fridays from now on so I hopefully wouldn't miss any school.
That plan went belly up on Wednesday morning when I got up for school. I was washing my face in the sink when I noticed that the water running off of my face was red. I looked up in the mirror and saw blood pouring out of my nose. This nosebleed had come on so quickly and so violently that it shocked me.
I grabbed my towel off of the wall and held it to my face quickly rinsing the blood down the drain hoping to wash the smell away.
'Bella?!' Edwards panicked voice yelled- too late.
'I'm fine, it's just a nosebleed. Stay away.' My voice was muffled through the towel.
He was knocking at the door 'Bella, let me in.'
'No Edward, get out of the house so you don't have to smell the blood. It will stop soon.' I begged him.
'I'm not leaving Bella, please let me in.' I sighed, I really didn't want him to break the door down out of fear so I unlocked it.
Judging by his face I must have looked awful, all I could see was the blood drenched towel that I held. 'I'm sorry.' I said.
'Shh.' He lead me by my shoulders to sit on top of the toilet seat cover and got me to squeeze the bridge of my nose hard as he called Carlisle and spoke to him hurriedly for a few moments.
He hung up the phone and I said 'Calm down Edward, I'm fine. It's not a big deal.'
'As long as it stops it's not a big deal. If it's still going in 15 minutes we're meeting Carlisle at the hospital.'
'Don't breathe.' I told him and he shook his head again.
'I'm fine, don't worry about me.' I shook my head. Stupid stubborn vampire.
Five minutes passed, then ten. Coming up on 15 minutes it was still pouring blood, I had saturated two towels by this point and the third was well on its way out by the time I started to get nauseous and light headed. I was starting to slump over, eyes closing on the toilet by the time Edward said 'Okay, we're going. Keep your eyes open Bella.'
He didn't give me a chance to respond, he just scooped me up in his arms put me in the car and took off for the hospital.
oOo
Carlisle tried for about an hour to staunch the flow of blood but nothing he did worked, he ended up needing to cauterize the bleed in my nose to finally get it to stop. After this I slept for hours, my blood counts were so low that they needed to give me a transfusion. It was after this that I finally started to perk up but they decided to keep me until the next day to make sure that it wouldn't start again.
When I woke up the next morning my head pounded, my mouth was dry, my nose hurt and I just generally felt terrible. It was what I imagined a bad hangover to be, and while I felt terrible, at least the nosebleed hadn't started again so they sent me home at ten o'clock the next day.
Edward deposited me on the couch that I had spent too much time on lately and went to get me a Gatorade that I didn't know we had. I guessed that Alice had been here and brought some things that Edward had asked her to.
By the time Friday came around and they tested my blood my counts were way too low and they decided not to give me the treatment until we tested again in two days. While it was nice that I could have a few more days without chemo it was stressful that I had to go more days without the medicine that I needed to live.
After 6 days of low counts and laboured breathing they decided to give me another blood transfusion which made me feel better but my breathing was still difficult and my oxygen was at 84%. They decided to give me an x-ray to see if it was fluid buildup and unfortunately it wasn't which mean that the tumour had grown.
Carlisle decided to send me home with an oxygen tank which I was mortified about even though he assured me that it was only for when I really needed it. I had shoved it in my closet refusing to use it no matter what… until 12 hours later when I woke up gasping for breath and Edward put the cannula in my nose.
Two days later I was finally cleared to resume my chemo and it turned out four hours of chemo was monotonous and torturous. The last two hours were hell, I felt awful and the time crawled by. When Edward and I finally got home that night we walked into an elaborately decorated house and it took me a few moments to realize that they were Christmas decorations.
'Jesus Alice… Wait… what day is it?' I turned to Edward confused.
He smiled his crooked smile 'Its December 19th.' He laughed.
'Holy, where did the time go?' I was shocked and then felt incredibly guilty 'I haven't got you anything.' I said sadly.
'When could you have possibly got me something?' he laughed 'The only thing I need is you, you just keep fighting.' He finished seriously.
'I'm trying Edward… it doesn't seem that anything I do is helping though. I'm just getting worse.'
'We just need to hope that this new treatment does it. You're doing amazing Bella.' He kissed me on the forehead.
'Thanks… Sorry about Christmas, I haven't had a Christmas since I was five. I'm kind of out of practice.'
He laughed and led me to the living room 'Yeah we figured, but you know Alice- she isn't going to let you go without celebrating every single holiday possible.'
I smiled and nodded 'I get it, live every day to its fullest and all that- not always the easiest thing unfortunately.' I said as I slumped into the couch, exhausted.
oOo
The next day I felt a little off but miraculously I didn't feel sick from the chemo from the day before so I decided to go to school. Mortifyingly Edward decided to bring my oxygen tank to school with us; luckily it was small enough to fit in a backpack so no one could see what it was.
By second period I was beginning to feel very odd, it seemed familiar but I couldn't place why. I felt out of it, like I was half asleep, half dreaming while still being conscious. I was totally out of it until the bell rang signalling the end of the class and it snapped me out of it for a second long enough for Edward to get in front of me and start talking.
'Bella? Are you hearing me?' I looked at him confused before he was pulling me up out of my seat and ushering me out of the school. I didn't understand what was happening and I was having trouble forming the words that it would take to ask what was going on. Before I knew it I was sitting in his car and he was reaching across me to do up my seatbelt.
I felt like getting home took seconds rather than the ten minutes it always took. I was barely aware of Edward picking me up and carrying me up the stairs to my bed before everything went dark.
When I woke up I couldn't even form a thought, the only thing I was aware of was Edward stroking my forehead and quietly murmuring to me, reassuring me. I felt comfortable and safe enough to fall asleep, knowing that he was there to keep me safe.
The next time I woke, the room was darker than it had been; the soft lamplight in the corner of the room was the only source of illumination. It was clearly hours later and yet there Edward was- a constant vigil at my side.
'Hey.' I said quietly, cutting through the silence.
He was quiet for a moment, tortured eyes watching me. He kissed my hand and said 'Am I making the wrong choice? Should I have turned you the moment you asked me?' I watched him for a moment, my brain was still taking a bit to catch up, I then saw how guilty he looked.
I slowly shook my head. 'You never would have forgiven yourself for ruining my chance at life.' My speech was still slurred but I was trying. 'I had to try- for both of us… 'M not done yet.' My eyes were drifting shut again.
'I know you aren't sweetheart. Its ok, go back to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning.' He stroked my forehead as if he were brushing my hair away- hair that was long gone. It was still a comforting gesture.
When I truly woke up it was still dark out and I was feeling much better, much clearer.
'Are you with me finally?' Edward asked, smiling.
I sat up in my bed stiffly 'Yeah I think so, I feel a lot better. What happened?' My memory was foggy at best.
'You had another seizure.' He said watching me.
The last thing I remembered other than our late night conversation was being in school and feeling ill, I felt a thrill of panic. 'Did I have it at school?!'
He shook his head and held my hand soothing me 'No, I got you home in time, don't worry.'
I breathed a sigh of relief 'Thank you… How did you know I was going to have a seizure?'
'You were staring off into space during class for an inordinate amount of time, you jumped at the bell and when I tried to talk to you, you weren't really coherent. I figured that you were either having a seizure or about to and luckily I got you into your bed right as it started.'
I rubbed my thumb on the back of his hand. 'What would I do without you?'
'Be very embarrassed.' He smiled downplaying his role in my life as per usual.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and groaned at the sudden stiffness all over my body. Edward was at my side in less than a second, 'What is it?' he looked at me looking for a source of injury.
I waved him off, 'I'm fine, just sore.' I stood up and tested my legs- they held. After the walk down the stairs my lungs were a different story, I was completely out of breath by the time I reached the bottom. Edward offered to carry me but I was determined.
'No, just give me a second.' I gripped the banister with my left hand and Edwards hand in my right, closed my eyes and took some deep breaths.
'Thanks Aiden.' Edward said as I felt the prongs of the cannula enter my nose. 'Breathe in through your nose.' I heard the hiss of the oxygen as I felt it blowing into my nose, Aiden must have brought the oxygen tank, this time I didn't care or argue- I knew I needed it.
After about 30 seconds I took the last few shaky steps to the couch and Edward gently lowered me down to it. The effort of getting to the couch wracked me with coughs, even to me these coughs sounded awful. Edward put my head between my knees and rubbed my back until the coughs stopped and I was gasping for breath.
'Good, it's coming back up; keep breathing through your nose.' I opened my eyes to see the little purple pulse oximeter on my finger I was too exhausted to see what the number read and I left my head hang down again.
Edward picked me up by my shoulders and leaned me back into the couch seeing that I was too exhausted to hold myself up. I leaned over until my head rested on his shoulder and my breathing slowly relaxed as the oxygen worked.
'Feeling any better?' he asked quietly and I nodded into his shoulder.
We were quiet for a bit before I broke the silence 'This sucks. I just woke up and I'm already exhausted.'
He took his hand and leaned his head on top of mine 'I know. I'm thinking no more stairs without oxygen.' He said quietly.
I nodded, resigned. 'Not long now until I will need it permanently.' He held up my hand with the pulse oximeter still on it.
'This seems to be the highest you'll go now.' I looked down and I was at 92% oxygen saturation.
'What was my lowest?' I didn't really want to know.
'You dropped to 79% at the bottom of the stairs.'
'That's not ideal.' I said.
'No.' he agreed quietly.
Alice showed up at 8am to my surprise. 'Shouldn't you be at school?' I asked her as she sat down on the loveseat.
'I'm sick, school sucks without you guys there. Plus, todays the last day before Christmas break, no one shows up. Oh, I have your homework too,' she handed it to Edward 'enjoy!'
I laughed and then coughed 'Thanks Alice.'
'Are you ready for breakfast?' she asked excitedly. That time off from chemo had let my mouth heal up pretty well and while I didn't have an appetite at least there was no pain.
'Yeah I'll try, I can make it though. You don't need to baby me Alice.' I leaned forward about to stand and was pulled back by Edward.
'You need to rest Bella, I've got it. How hungry are you?' she asked me.
'Not at all.' I said sheepishly.
She nodded 'I figured. I won't make you a lot.'
'Thanks Alice.'
For the next three days it was more obvious that I was very quickly becoming dependant on the oxygen. I tried to go as long as I could throughout the day without it but I kept needing to reattach it while I was up. Edward went hunting on Thursday and Alice hung out with me at my house, I was going stir crazy but there was a snow storm outside.
As stupid as it was I was anxious with worry about Edward being out in this weather and it was pretty obvious to Alice.
'Bella, stop being ridiculous, the cold doesn't affect us. Edward is fine.'
'I know.' I sighed 'I have nothing to do but worry.'
Alice ignored this 'So Christmas you're coming to our house to celebrate-'
'Aw Alice, don't make me. I didn't get anyone anything and you know how I hate gifts.'
'Too bad, you haven't had a proper Christmas in more than 10 years, you're coming over. Plus, Edward loves Christmas. Anyways I wasn't telling you to give you the option, I was telling you because I wanted to know how you feel about Jasper being there.' She looked nervous.
Aiden bristled, I had barely realized he was there. Lately he was either silently watching or off doing his own thing. He was behaving himself immensely, it kind of made me sad though, I missed him.
'You know I'm ok with that Alice, I think him staying away for so long is ridiculous.'
'I swear he's much better now! He barely reacts to human blood at all anymore-'
I cut her off 'Alice, I know he's safe. You don't need to convince me.'
'Oh, right. Well, good! The whole family is excited to see you, they miss you.'
I immediately felt guilty, I was not only spending all of my time in the house but I was also keeping Edward away from his family. 'And Edward, sorry Alice. I don't mean to keep him away, if I could force him to take time off from taking care of me trust me I would.'
'Never mind Edward,' she waved her hand dismissively, 'we all dealt with his moping around for years, we're glad to see him happy and we don't mind him spending some time away. Time passes much more quickly for us.'
I nodded, still feeling guilty. As the day went on I wasn't feeling the best and I was very glad when Edward came home. I felt a weight lift off of me as he walked in covered in snow with a bag over his shoulder; this feeling was so foreign to me. I had never before been so dependent on another person and it made me a little bit nervous, trusting people had never been easy for me.
He walked in and walked behind the couch kissing me on top of my hat.
'How are you feeling?' he asked me.
'I'm good.' I smiled.
'I'm just going to change my clothes, I'll be right back.'
'I'm going to go soon, will you eat some dinner?' Alice asked me.
I was the furthest thing from hungry 'Maybe a smoothie?' I asked knowing that she wouldn't take no for an answer.
'Fine. Have a smoothie now and an Ensure later.' The thought of Ensure made my stomach turn.
As Alice was blending me a smoothie with who knows what in it Edward sat down next to me and kissed me.
'Have fun?' I asked him.
'I did, I worried about you though. How are you feeling?' he said as I leaned over onto his shoulder.
'I'm fine, I'm going a bit stir crazy.'
'You feel warm.' He put a hand to my head.
'I always feel warm to you.'
'More so right now. Alice, can you grab the thermometer from the upstairs bathroom?'
'Yep, here Bella, drink this.' She passed me the smoothie that she made, I could tell that my taste buds were off, it barely tasted like anything. She returned a minute later with the thermometer and handed it to Edward who put it in my mouth until it beeped then pulled it out and examined it.
'You have a low grade fever, we're going to watch it and give you some aspirin hopefully it will come down on its own.' He said.
'Got it.' I heard Alice's voice say from upstairs, she was down in a flash handing me two pills which I took with the smoothie I was trying to drink.
'Alright, I'm headed out. I will see you guys on Saturday!' She gave me a hug 'Feel better Bella!'
'Thanks Alice, see you Saturday.' I smiled.
We were quiet for a while as I tried to finish the smoothie but I was struggling.
'It's ok; you don't have to drink it all. Don't make yourself sick.' He said watching me.
'Thanks.' I sighed and he took it from me and put it on the table.
'Do you want to go to bed?' he could see how tired I was.
I nodded 'Yes please.'
'Want me to carry you?' I shook my head 'Alright, oxygen on.' I didn't argue as he handed me the cannula, instead I pulled it under my nose and around my ears as he set up the tank. 'Ready.'
'Yep, lets go.' It took me two breaks to get up the stairs but I finally made it to the top and onto my bed.
'Good job Bella.' Edward said as he kissed me on the forehead. We left the oxygen on for the next few minutes until I was back up to my new normal. I was half asleep by time Edward took it off of me and fast asleep by the time he climbed into bed with me.
Thanks for reading, let me know what you think!
