No way! Look! It's an update:

"Fucking Christ, Lucius! This is the third time this week. I'm tired of going into Nocturne Alley to buy you Super Extra Phenomenal Unsticking solution!" Voldemort's voice rang through the hobbit hole.

"I'm sorry, my love... I mean, my lord. It's just that-," Lucius whined whilst trying to pull his hand out from under his robes.

"Lucius, I ran into Fudge the last time! And he recognized me!"

"How did he do that? You look like a supple nineteen year old boy, whose muscles are lean and toned from hours of quidditch," Lucius did the good old up down.

"Lucius, now is not the time. He just bumped into me, and he was like 'Oooh, Tom! It's so good to see you! We must do coffee sometime! You must have kids by now!' Caught me completely off guard."

"My bad."

"Shut up, Lucius. This is the last time I make a trip like this!" Voldemort said as he stormed out of the circular door, bumping his head on the low ceiling.

"Can I come back in my house now?" A small creature with hairy feet called from outside.

"You most certainly may not!" Lucius yelled back, shaking his fist, "The nerve!"

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Breakfast was deemed to have been a fiasco, as Harry Potter had fainted on top of Gryffindor table soaking wet. Hermione looked at him disdainfully. He had obviously been in one of his Sirius-Obessed moods, as they call them, and worked himself into a frenzy. Draco Malfoy walked over to go tease the Golden Trio. He saw Potter lying in two plates of bacon and a puddle of pumpkin juice and water.

"Well, well, well," Draco began, "If it isn'--"

Hermione cut him off, "Shut up, Malfoy. This isn't the time."

"It's always the time." Malfoy replied annoyingly.

"Right then," said Ron, who was still clad in his boxers, "Let's haul him up to Pomfrey before we're late for Potions."

"Well, well, well, What's going on here?" Snape swooped in, "Looks like Potter attacked Mr. Malfoy here. Three hundred points from Gryffindor! Weasley, that is not Hogwarts regulation dress code! Explain yourself, now."

Ron shrugged and yawned, "Too tired."

"Weasley, unacceptable. Disgraceful. Detention. With. Me. I. Don't. Know. Why. I'm. Talking. Like. This. It's. Probably. Potter's. Fault. Detention. For. Him. Too. Tell. Him. When. He. Comes. 'Round." Snape stormed out of the Great Hall.

A naked Ginny was dancing intoxicated around a fire on top of the Hufflepuff table, recently conquered by the Inquisition. The remaining Hufflepuffs were captured and placed under the far corner of the table. Seamus and Dean were jamming with homemade guitars fashioned from forks and the vanishing cabinet. The inquisition were all sitting around Seamus and Dean, passing burning paper rolled up back and forth.

Dumbledore burst into the Great Hall. "I can smell it! The precious!"

He ran over to the Hufflepuff table and joined the fray. People were making makeshift tents out of their robes. Several people weren't wearing clothes, and had never before been seen at Hogwarts. It began to resemble an Allman Brothers gathering, and things began to spiral out of control and into vibrant colors and kaleidoscope lighting.

Suddenly, Uniformed men with machine guns burst into the Great Hall through the windows and the doors.

"Nobody move!"

Seamus and Dean's audience started screaming and running. Seamus and Dean packed up several suspicious packages and somehow managed to enter the kitchens through the table. Ginny tried to dance with one of the uniformed men; who looked interested, but kept pushing her off.

Finally she gave up, and decided to find out what was going on.

"Hey, I'm Ginny."

"Hey, I'm John. Nice to meet you."

"So," She began. She was unsure how to ask, if she was too straight forward he wouldn't giver her any information. However, if she was too subtle; she wouldn't get anywhere. "You come 'round here often?"

"Nah, We're just here on a drug bust. Apparently someone here has been flooding the markets with good quality Haze, and we can't have any of that. It wasn't you was it?"

"No, wasn't me. So, um, can I get you a drink?"

"How about, I buy you a drink. I know this great place down the road."

"all right, I'll just get my coat. Are you a muggle?"

"A what?"

"Never mind."

Ginny and John left the chaos in the Great Hall, as instead of freezing when the men poured in, someone magicked most of their uniforms to pink leotards. This created quite a mess, and half the school was embroiled in a ribbon dance fight with the intruders. It looked like the leader of the uniformed men was going to win with a triple spiral followed by a toe kick.

Out of the blue, Dumbledore pulled two gold ribbons out of his underpants. They flutter ed and spiraled in the most majestic dance since Merlin's interpretive 'Sun Passes Though the Sky', which created the peace of Westphalia. Tears ran down from the eyes of many whom were watching. Harry Potter awoke when Ron and Hermione dropped him to watch Dumbledore. He too was floored by such a moving visual display.

The leader of the men took off his helmet and tossed it to the floor. "You win! I had no idea I was in the presence of such a master! Bravisimo! Troops! MOVE OUT!"

"Well that settles that," Dumbledore said, rubbing his hands together as the troops filed out.

But it didn't settle everything. Harry was still mad at Draco for his infidelity, and Draco was mad at Harry for being too uptight. Seamus and Dean were quivering in the kitchens after their brush in with the law, counting their losses (of which there weren't very many). Millicent's mum was nowhere to be found, and Harry wouldn't leave the Great Hall because of the dementor. A reparo charm didn't work on the ancient windows, Dumbledore would have to call in a professional. The Inquisition had captured quite a few of the troops sent in to bust Dean and Seamus' 'business' and refused to release them. They raised them as their own; and in a couple years, they would find out that they were not members of the Inquisition, but in fact members of a law enforcement squadron. They would eventually have to choose between the life they've been brought up to live, and the life they could have lived. Their story was adapted into a mini-series by A&E.

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Harry wiped the sweat off his forehead. The potions room was currently an unearthly temperature. Harry suspected Snape did this purposely on the day they were making warming potions.

"all right! Your potions should be a light salmon hue with the odor of spoilt eggs. If this is not the case, twenty points from your house," Snape's voice resounded across the dungeon.

Water was beginning to condense on the walls because of the heat, however Snape and the Slytherins looked as cool as cucumbers. The Gryffindors were soaking through their robes with perspiration. Neville's potion was a dark azure and smelled like lavender.

"Get out you stupid boy! This is completely unacceptable. A cooling potion? It's a miracle you didn't blow up your cauldron this class. Potter! Try your potion."

"But Sir, it's hot in here," Harry whined.

"Good, drink up."

"You-know-who won't be pleased with this development..."

Harry let the threat hang in the air. The class gasped, what did this mean? Was this 'The' You-Know-Who? Was you-know-who a nonspecific you-know-who, and you-dont-know-who-because-it's-someone-else's-conversation?

"Is You-Know-Who capitalized, Harry?" Said Hermione, trying to sort out who Harry was talking about.

"I don't know what you are talking about, Potter. Five points to Gryffindor for veiled threats. Ten points from Gryffindor for your cheek."

"Five... Minus ten... So," Harry madly began to calculate whether Snape had ultimately given Gryffindor five points or taken them away, "so, plus five points!" He jumped up knocking his chair into Goyle's cauldron. The potion exploded. The entire classroom was covered in yellow goo, which had the consistency of vomit.

"Three thousand points from Gryffindor!"

"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!" Malfoy screamed and latched onto Seamus' arm earning him a glare from both Dean and Harry.

"My bad," realizing his mistake, he grabbed Dean's arm too and gave Harry a look.

On his way to dinner, Harry was feeling down and was starting to have his doubts about his... He didn't even know what. Whatever it was it was supposed to be exclusive, not all access. This isn't fucking kindergarten. He didn't want to goddamn share! BAAAAAHH!

He's such a whore! Harry thought, I can't believe it. All this jealousy reminds me of the dance. Draco-kins was dancing with all those people. He probably danced with Cho. Stupid bint. Wasn't Cedric at that dance? What the hell happened to him. He looked like shit. His arms were all wrinkled. I hope I don't look that bad with dark circles under my eyes. Honestly, what was he thinking showing up to a social event like that.

Distracted, Harry voiced his thoughts, "Hey, 'Mioney-pants, wasn't Cedric at the dance?"

"Yeah, he was. He looked really ill, looked like wizard flu to me. I don't understand why people go out when they're so sick. They just spread it to everyone else. Irresponsible, if you ask me."

"Yeah, I didn't ask you for your opinion on that, just if he looked sick. So, Ron, what do you think about that? It could be one of Voldemort's plans. Weaken me with the wizard flu, and then take me out once and for all!"

"Blimey! Harry, that sounds like Voldemort all right."

"Don't be stupid, Ronald. That sounds absolutely ridiculous!"

"Shut up, Hermione. What would you know?" Harry said, defending his explanation.

"Harry Potter! How dare you speak to me like that! I have done nothing but save your ass these past several years, and then you make a comment like that!" Hermione spat.

"You know he didn't mean it Hermaphrodi-- I mean, Hermione. You know how irrational he gets. It's best to just nod or encourage him politely, otherwise he goes berser- Anyway, he was right about Malfoy last year."

"What do you mean 'He goes all berser?" Harry narrowed his eyes, "You weren't going to say berserk were you, Ronald?"

"Of course he wasn't, it's the latest thing. Everyone's saying it. It means inquisitive."

"I see," said Harry. You could practically hear the cogs turning in his brain as he processed this new information; and in Hermione's case, the cogs were quite audible.

"I'm going to go on a berser mission to find out if Malfoy is cheating on me!" Harry announced suddenly.

Hermione spluttered pumpkin juice all over the table, and began to have a coughing fit.

"You don't need to go all detective to find that out," Ron said quietly under his breath while patting Hermione on the back a little too hard.

"Ronald! You're hurting me!"

"Sorry, my bad."

Harry ran out of the Great Hall cackling like a madman. Ten minutes later a figure clad in a black leotard, black spandex pants, and black panty hose over his face burst forth into the Great Hall. Harry had donned his 'Spy gear' (aka his Aunt's underwear drawer) once more to find out once and for all if Malfoy was as faithful as his name.

Harry broke several dishes on the Ravenclaw table as he attempted to 'slink' across it in order to get closer to the Slytherin table. He slowly crawled his way across the table soaking several Ravenclaws, who didn't get away in time, with pumpkin juice.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Cho screamed at him. Apparently he wasn't as stealthy as he thought. Quick, I need a disguise before Draco sees what I'm doing. He's looking right at me. It's because Cho keeps screaming, Harry thought.

He grabbed handfuls of mashed potatoes and smeared them all over his body. Now they'll never recognize me! Now I just have to quiet her down.

"Shut up, Bitch."

Shocked that Harry had used such language with her and awed by his male prowess, Cho immediately fell silent. Harry continued on in his mission until he reached the middle of the Ravenclaw table, and then he took out a blow torch. This cleared the remaining Ravenclaws from the table, save Cho who was watching Harry with a dreamy look in her eye. He burned a hole in the center of the table and dove through the ring of fire. With catlike agility, he crawled under the benches and across to underneath the Slytherin table.

"Mother hawk, I'm in the fortress," Harry said to no one in particular.

"What on Earth is he doing?" Hermione asked Ron in disbelief. Unbeknownst to him, Harry's antics had captured the attention of the entire Great Hall.

"I told you not to question him. He goes out and does stuff like this when you do." Ron gestured across the hall. "Right shame, I bet he even forgot he owned an invisibility cloak. Sometimes I think he runs on just irrational, or in this case completely rational, paranoia."

"Makes sense, then these irrational paranoia drive him to commit social atrocities like this one. Ooh, remember Bill's Wedding? Gosh, the bride's side nearly had to stand for the entire six hour ceremony because he burned all their chairs because he thought they were demons sent by Voldemort. Lucky there were extra," Hermione commented.

"Oh gods, how could I forget. He did wander through a forrest for a week before that, fueled only by peyote and paint thinner. Considering, I think he did fairly well at the ceremony."

"True. Should we go and save him from complete social estrangement?"

"Ahh, the question of the hour, all right. Better sooner rather than later," Ron said, grabbing two costumes identical to the one Harry was currently sporting.

The two emptied the contents of their plates onto themselves and made their way over to the under belly of the Slytherin table.

"Harry, mate, any news?" Ron said crouching down next to him.

"Nope, I haven't got anything."

"Maybe it's because we're sitting under Millicent Bulstrode and Pansy. Oooh Panse! Nice knickers!"

"Oh, you're such a dear. Thanks, Hermione, love!" Pansy Parkinson said, ducking down to see who was currently peeking up her nightie. "Draco is at the end, loves! Good luck!"

"Whore!" Harry yelled from under the table. "He's this way, I just know it," Harry said heading towards the end of the table, "Call it what you want. It's my lover's intuition."

"Harry, it's women's intuition." Hermione replied, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, that's it." He said, reaching the last two pairs of legs under the table.

"So, Which one is he?" Asked Ron.

"I don't know. Shit!" Harry cursed. "I have an idea"

Harry leaned forward and grabbed the crotch belonging to the legs on the right.

"OOooohh, I've got a new best friend!"

"Fuck, it was Zambini." Harry informed them.

"How do you know?" Hermione asked, genuinely curious.

Harry gave her an incredulous look. "What do you do if some strange hand grabbed your gear?"

"Well, I'd be startled. I might yell-"

"Exactly, only Blaise Zambini is not at all startled when you grab him suddenly by the crotch."

"Interesting discovery," Ron replied, looking slightly put off.

"So this," Harry said, grabbing the other crotch, "must be Draco..."

The resounding girlish shriek confirmed Harry's suspicions.

"Quick! Before he sees!" Harry whispered urgently to Ron and Hermione. They scooted under Zambini's robe before Draco could see his assailant.

"Looks like I've got company," They heard Blaise say.