My Sweetest Downfall

Chapter 11 – Self-Admissions

It rang three times. Brooke just stared at it. It was Peyton. Peyton. It was three o'clock in the morning. She knew Peyton was in distress of some kind. She had known it before her phone rang. She'd always been able to feel when her friend was hurting. Lately though, she felt it all the time, because Peyton Sawyer was hurting all the time. But she didn't want Brooke to help her. She had made that clear. She must not have any other choice right now Brooke decided.

"Peyton?" A groggy Brooke said.

"B-Brooke." Peyton answered. Dammit! She was still stuttering.

"Are you okay?" Brooke was worried. She took Nathan's warning to heart.

"Um, well…n-not really." Shit. She really didn't want to pull Brooke into this.

"Where are you?" Brooke was panicked. She shot out of bed and threw on some pants while still keeping the phone to her ear.

Peyton sighed. She was making everything worse for everyone. Like always. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have c-called."

"Peyton stop! Of course you should have called." Brooke didn't know why Peyton decided to call her for help, but she wasn't going to let this chance to get close to Peyton get away. You should have called me a long fucking time ago. "Now what's wrong?"

Peyton hesitated. She didn't have to tell her everything, right? She wasn't thinking normally. She had a hard time keeping her emotions out of her thoughts. "B-Brooke, I need you." She said weakly.

"Okay Peyt, sit tight I'm coming." Brooke was already out the door and headed to her silver bug. "Wait, tell me where you are?"

"Um, okay, I'll t-try." Peyton opened her eyes for the first time since she called her best friend. She sat up on her elbows and moaned because her head was spinning out of control.

"Peyton? What is it?" Brooke was so damned worried she didn't know how to handle it.

"N-nothing." Peyton shook her head to clear it, and looked around for something familiar. "I-I see a lifeg-guard station…and, wait…b-behind me there are these huge rocks."

"Are there some twisted trees behind the rocks?" Brooke asked.

Peyton sat up all the way and looked behind her. She could just see the tops of the trees, but the dizziness got to be too much for her and she plopped back down on the sand with a huff. "Yeah, I s-see the t-trees." She was out of breath.

"Okay. Okay, good. I know exactly where you are. Just hold on Peyt, I'm already driving. I should be there in ten minutes." Brooke paused and thought for a second. "Peyton, are you cold?"

"No, I'm f-fucking hot right n-now. It's k-kinda stifling out here." Peyton answered.

That's weird, Brooke thought. It's actually kinda cold out tonight. She hesitated, not sure if she should ask the next question."Why are you stuttering?"

Shit, Peyton thought. Being cold would've been a great excuse, dammit."I d-don't know." She lied. She had no clue how to stop it either.

Brooke sighed audibly over the phone.

Peyton closed her eyes again. Her head was spinning while she was lying down now, and she still couldn't breathe right. She thought she'd better tell her just in case something happened. Plus, she was starting to get a little freaked out. "B-Brooke, I'm having a hard t-time breathing, and I'm really d-dizzy." She was barely able to breathe out that last word.

"Oh my god! Just hold on P. Sawyer. I'm coming, okay?" Please don't die on me! "I'm almost there. Stay on the phone with me P."

Brooke was driving at highly illegal speeds. She saw the beach she was looking for and swerved to a stop at the base of the sand. She got out of her car without even turning it off and ran through the trees toward the boulders. She took the well-worn path through them that led down to the water. She finally stood on the beach where she thought Peyton was, but she saw no sign of her. Crap! "Peyton, I'm here. Where are you? I don't see you." Brooke's voice was high and panicked.

Peyton breathed heavily into the phone. "I'm lying on my b-back. I c-can't stand up B-Brooke."

Brooke ran out into the middle of the beach and turned around in a circle looking in all directions. The cold wind was blowing her hair away, but the moon was bright. Every shadow on the sand gave her hope. "Okay babe, you can't stand, so can you just, wave an arm in the air or something?"

Silence.

"Peyton, can you hear me?"

Nothing. Brooke looked at her phone. She was still connected. "Peyt, you're scaring me. Peyton!" She yelled.

She kept turning and looking in every direction. She was starting to hyperventilate. She had to find her! "Peeyy-ton!" She yelled again. She took a breath and closed her eyes as she tried to calm herself. She ran her hand through her dark, blowing hair to settle it down as well.

She opened her eyes again…and saw a faint light in the sand about fifty feet from her position. She ran as fast as she dared and came upon a cell phone…the source of the light. The cell phone was attached to a hand. Brooke's heart was going a million miles an hour. She had found her! "Oh thank God! Peyton!" She breathed out, and cried in relief.

Peyton's body was limp on the sand. Brooke knelt down and cradled Peyton's head in her hands. "Oh P. Sawyer, what am I gonna do with you?" She smoothed Peyton's hair out of her face and bent down and kissed her forehead, then reached out and grabbed Peyton cell phone and stuck it in her pocket with her own phone.

She feels so cold, but at least she's breathing. "Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer! Wake up!" Brooke yelled.

Peyton stirred a bit, but didn't open her eyes.

"Peyton come on honey, open your eyes." Brooke slapped her on the cheek lightly, then harder when the first had no effect.

Brooke breathed in relief as Peyton's eyes slowly opened. "B-Brooke? Is that you?" Peyton's voice was very groggy.

Tears were flowing down Brooke's face, but she still smiled when Peyton spoke to her. "Yeah P, it's me. You scared me babe." She said, caressing Peyton's cheek.

Peyton reached up and put her hand on Brooke's. "I'm so sorry B. I d-didn't want t-to d-drag you into this." She stuttered out. "I only wanted you to b-be happy, and not worry about me."

Brooke almost laughed out loud. "How could I be happy without my P. Sawyer, huh?" She was still smiling through her tears. She was just so happy to have Peyton safe in her arms.

Now Peyton smiled. "Probably about as happy as I could be without my B. Davis."

She didn't stutter once through that sentence Brooke noticed.

Peyton and Brooke stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like an eternity, but in reality it was only less than a minute. They both were remembering their past with the other and how one couldn't possibly see a future without the other.

Peyton closed her eyes again in pure exhaustion, and that caused Brooke's head to clear instantly. "Peyton, keep your eyes open for me." She said calmly for Peyton's sake, but inside she was going crazy.

She did open her eyes again but said, "I d-don't think I can stay awake much longer, B." Her voice was barely there.

Brooke took a steadying breath. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna stand you up and take you to my car, and I'm gonna take you home. Can you stay awake that long?"

"D-don't know." Peyton was only taking in short breaths, Brooke noticed. She tried her best not to break down and sob because her friend was in such bad shape. How did I let it get this far? Brooke thought.

Brooke stood up. "Come on P. Sawyer, you gotta help me out here. I can't do this without you, so you better damn well stay awake!" She took Peyton by the arms and got her to sit up.

"Oh, my head is spinning." Peyton said weakly. She leaned her head on Brooke's arm.

"I know, just hold it together for a little while longer till I can get you home." Brooke said emphatically.

Peyton looked into Brooke's eyes and saw the love she was missing in her life. This can't be right. I'm still high. "I'll d-do my best, B-Brooke." She got out.

Peyton was able to stand up while Brooke lifted her up from her arms. "Okay, good job, P. Now walk."

Brooke took Peyton's arm with one hand and put her other arm around Peyton's middle. As soon as Brooke grabbed a hold of her side, Peyton hissed in pain and nearly doubled over. Brooke quickly released her side afraid that she had hurt Peyton. "What is it? What's wrong, Peyt?"

"M-my ribs, they hurt." Peyton said through gritted teeth.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"No," Peyton cut her off. "It wasn't you Brooke." She blew out a breath through her teeth. "Okay, I think I'm ready now."

She stumbled a lot through the sand, but Brooke was able to hold her up by her shoulder. Brooke was amazed at how light Peyton had become over the last two months. She had lifted her plenty during cheer practice and she wasn't heavy then, but now she was as light as a feather. That worried Brooke even more.

Peyton was so damn dizzy she didn't know up from down. All she could do was watch Brooke and do what she did. Before she knew it Brooke was helping her into a seat in her car. She heard the door shut and tried to get out, but she was held in by a seatbelt. Why does Brooke keep her car so fucking hot? She pushed and pushed against the car-door, but it wouldn't budge. She couldn't find the door handle and the seatbelt wouldn't come off. "Brooke! I c-can't get out. Help me!" Peyton yelled.

Brooke saw what was happening as soon as she got in the driver's seat. She reached over and grabbed Peyton's hands with her own and said, "Peyton, listen to me. You are okay. I'm not gonna let anything hurt you." She said it very calmly. When Peyton looked like she was done panicking Brooke placed her hands by her sides and let go. "I'm not going anywhere, P. I'm right here."

"Brooke, I'm so scared." Peyton's voice was barely above a whisper.

Brooke looked her squarely in the eyes. "Well I'm not scared." She said confidently, even though it was a lie. "And I'm not leaving you." At least the last part was true. She put the car in gear and backed up. "You better keep your damn eyes open until I tell you otherwise, you hear me?"

Peyton smile with half of her mouth. "I hear you." She looked at Brooke while she drove her home. The dizziness took over her head, but watching Brooke helped her to focus. She said, "Thank you B. Davis."

Brooke glanced over in her direction. "Anything for you P. Anything." Brooke wished Peyton knew how much she meant that, but she doubted Peyton would remember anything about tonight.

When she got to her house, Brooke looked over at her best friend as she turned off her car. Peyton had her head laid against the headrest still staring at Brooke. Peyton's eyes held no emotion. They just stared right into Brooke's with no thought, no care, no intentions whatsoever. This scared Brooke. She sat there and looked deeply into Peyton's eyes and saw… emptiness. Her best friend had given up, completely. In that second of realization, Brooke's heart broke.

A single tear rolled down Brooke's cheek. Peyton noticed this and reached out her hand to catch it. She kept her hand on Brooke's cheek and caressed it carefully, sweetly even. Brooke's eyes were still lost in Peyton's and in that moment she saw a glimmer of hope: love. Then Peyton dropped her hand and it was gone. But Brooke had seen it! She saw it and she knew that all was not lost. She was going to bring her best friend back to herself, and to Brooke.

Without a word spoken, Brooke got out of her car and walked calmly around it to Peyton's side. Brooke had adopted a mission for her life. She was already committed to her best friend, but this was going to be different. Peyton was the most important person in her life. She always had been, and now she always would be. She was going to find out who or what was doing this to her P. Sawyer, and then she was going to kick its ass.

Brooke opened the car door and just as Peyton was about try and stand, Brooke put her arms around her shoulders and under her legs and carried her best friend inside the house. Peyton was too dizzy and zoned out to protest, so she laid her head on Brooke's shoulder and buried her face in her neck. She kept going past the front room and down the hall to her own room and laid Peyton on her bed.

She untied Peyton's converse shoes and pulled them off, then sat her back up and pulled her arms out of her leather jacket to take it off. She gently held the back of her head and laid her back down on the pillow. She stared and the green eyes that were silently staring back at her. "What am I gonna do with you, P. Sawyer?" She paused, and then went on with something she had been avoiding. "Peyton, you're obviously using again. Now I don't know why, but I know it has something to do with whatever your secret is." Brooke got tears in her eyes, so she looked out of her window at the night then back at her best friend. "God, Peyton! You sat right there in Haley's apartment and said you would never do drugs again. You said you were done! I believed you Peyt! I did." Brooke sighed. "Now I…I could lose you." Her voice broke. "I can't lose you Pey, I can't." Now she changed to her most stern voice. "I know you didn't want me involved in whatever this is, but guess what? I'm not going to let you keep me from it. I've been involved since we were eight and I'm not quitting now or ever. You have no fucking choice! You know why? Because I love you. I love you, and I'm never going to stop. Is that clear?"

Peyton nodded and continued to stare at Brooke like she missed her terribly. Brooke smiled slightly at her and said, "You can close your eyes now sweetie. I won't let anyone hurt you, I promise."

Peyton seemed to accept this and closed her eyes. She finally felt safe now that she was with Brooke. Safe was something she hadn't felt in a long time. She liked the feeling.

Brooke continued to watch her until her breathing evened out and she was sure she was asleep. Brooke went to her dresser and pulled out some shorts and a tank for Peyton. She undid Peyton's pants and pulled them off and slipped the shorts on, then she carefully pulled off Peyton's shirt, not wanting to hurt her anymore. Once it was off she tried to examine Peyton with what little light was coming from her bathroom. Brooke sucked in a sharp breath when she saw the huge circular bruise on her rib cage area. She gingerly reached out her fingers and touched it. Peyton's face briefly contorted in pain and Brooke quickly pulled back her hand. As she looked away from Peyton's face she glanced at her arm and saw marks on them like she was grabbed roughly. Then her eyes went to her neck and chest. She saw multiple marks. Some of them were older and healing, but others looked to have been done very recently. Some were bite marks.

Brooke's anger stirred within her chest. Who would do this to Peyton? What bastard could hurt this sweet girl like that? She felt her cheeks wet with her own tears. Now she was even more careful as she slipped the tank top over Peyton's head and down her torso.

She knew she could never sleep again tonight. Peyton might need her, besides, she had too many thoughts running through her head she had to process. Why would Peyton hide this from me? Maybe she was too ashamed? But, still she should've told me! Fuck, what happened to us! We were Brooke and Peyton, and now we're just Brooke…and Peyton. Brooke gently caressed Peyton's face with her hand and whispered. "I'm going to fix us Peyton, and make us right again." She thought about her Peyton Sawyer and the way things had been lately. After she forgave Peyton and Lucas for cheating, she had hoped her and Peyton would grow closer, and they had grown closer…until something happened. But, what? Brooke hated that Peyton didn't trust her enough to tell her whatever it was that was hurting her. She would tell Peyton if it were her. She would tell Peyton anything, and do anything for Peyton. She loved her. The one thing she wouldn't…no, couldn't tell her was how much she loved her. She would never understand, and it would ruin their friendship. Brooke Davis was in an impossible situation. She thought back to when she first knew of her feelings for Peyton Sawyer. She knew the exact night it happened. She knew she could never forget it.

It had been burned into her memory forever.

111

I opened myself up to my heart at an early age. I knew I was taking a risk by always laying it out there, but I've always known that if I didn't then I wouldn't be true to myself. That's just who I am. I expect people to be honest with me, so I have to honest with myself.

At least, that's what I believed until tonight.

There we were, nearing the end of seventh grade. Peyton and I were already establishing ourselves as THE girls to party with, well that's how I was establishing myself, but I always dragged Peyton along for the ride.

Tonight the party was at my house. My parents were so glad I was little miss social butterfly, that they pretty much let me do whatever I wanted. They thought of it as training for my future of being rich and royal. I just liked having my friends around me.

It was supposed to be a small party, but let's face it: it never is. Everyone who mattered was there, including kids from high school. They knew royalty when they saw it, my mother said. I had just rolled my eyes.

Now my parents were doing what they did best: they were gone, which was fine with me. At least they weren't here fighting and embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Currently a group of us were playing spin the bottle. I had orchestrated this whole game because I had a crush on James McKnight. Peyton knew it and had made sure that he sat in the position right across from me. Me and Peyton were good like that.

We were all laughing because Nathan had just had to kiss this girl Jamie that had a crush on him. But Peyton and I both knew that Nathan was not into her at all. He was too nice to say no. Jamie was on cloud nine.

My turn was next. I eyed Peyton as I got up to spin the bottle. She winked at me and I smiled. I wished myself good luck and set the bottle spinning. It came to a stop right in front of Peyton. I looked up at her green eyes and slightly panicked. Great my stupid luck wasn't working.

Peyton spoke up. "Ok, spin it again. You get two chances."

"Oh yeah," I said, relieved. I spun it once more, harder this time. This time it landed pointing straight at …Peyton, again? Super.

Nathan laughed. "Well Brooke it's a sign. You have to kiss Peyton!"

"Nathan," I yelled, "you are a perv!"

"What are you scared to kiss a girl?" James McKnight teased.

Now I actually didn't want to kiss him so much.

"No," I said, "I'm not scared to kiss a girl." It was true, but I had really wanted to kiss him.

"Prove it!" James said. Everyone else started chanting for me to prove it as well. Junior high…love it…not!

"Fine," I said, and crawled over to Peyton from my spot on the floor. Peyton had been laughing good naturedly along with everyone else, but now she had this smirk on her face. Well I decided I was going to wipe that smirk right off her face. I grabbed her chin with one hand and pulled her closer to me. "I'm not scared." I whispered to her with a twinkle in my eye. I planted my lips right onto hers for a full two seconds. I didn't mean to kiss her that long, but I couldn't stop. Something was physically stopping me from moving away from her.

I pulled back and gasped at the same time. "Ow, you shocked me!" I said. But it was weird because it didn't feel like a static shock, it felt more electric. What the hell was that?

"Sorry." Peyton said. She still had that smirk on her face.

"Humph." I said.

Nathan spoke up and said, "She couldn't have shocked you because you would have felt it right away instead after two whole seconds."

When did he become Mr. Science?

"I dunno," I said. "I'm not a geek."

Everyone laughed at this and the boy beside me got up to spin the bottle.

I, however, was left feeling very strange. When I kissed my best friend my stomach had done a huge flip-flop. I had never felt like that from a kiss before. It had me feeling…scared. The very thing I had said that I wasn't. What did this mean? Nothing, I told myself it meant nothing. It was only Peyton, for crying out loud!

Peyton and I did everything together. I went over to her house every day after her mom died and helped her through it. She made me feel better when my parents were fighting, and when I had run away one night because of them, she knew right where to find me and took me home with her. We loved each other. But I wasn't in love with her, right? I'm only in seventh freaking grade! I'm not supposed to like a girl. But I knew what my heart felt, and what it didn't feel. Like I said, I was very in-tune to my heart from a very young age.

Right now, I knew what my heart wanted: Peyton. But that could never be.

I sat there not really paying attention to the game anymore. I looked over at Peyton. She was giving me an odd look. She knew I had gone somewhere else. I shook my head as if to clear it and gave her a smile. She smiled back. I guessed that she hadn't felt anything when we kissed. I wouldn't really have expected her to. She had a closed heart since her mom died. Only a few people were allowed in: her dad, me, and Nathan.

She wasn't ready for this, and to tell the truth, neither was I. But I had felt it! It was there. I just hoped if I ignored it long enough that it would go away. I valued our friendship too much to ruin it over anything.

Little did I know that these feelings I had for her would only grow and grow, and never fade.

That night was the first time I started lying to my own heart.

111

Brooke lay down next to Peyton and put an arm around her lightly so she wouldn't wake. Her own memories had invaded her mind and wouldn't let her sleep again. They stayed like that for a few hours, and just as daylight was peeking through the bedroom curtains Brooke felt Peyton shivering under her arm. She looked into her face and saw that it was contorted with fear and even pain. Peyton moaned like she was in pain. Brooke started to wake her up and then she stopped herself. As much as she didn't want Peyton to have to go through this nightmare, she also needed to know any information about why her best friend was hurting herself with drugs. She knew Peyton wasn't going to come out and tell her. So…she listened and watched.

Brooke remembered when a younger Peyton would have nightmares after her mother had died. Brooke had always been right there to wake and comfort her. She knew how bad those dreams had been at the time, but this one was much worse than anything she had seen Peyton go through.

"No, stop!" Peyton yelled as though her life depended on it. Still she didn't wake. "D-don't hurt her. Take me again, please!" Peyton pleaded with some unknown bastard.

Again? Brooke thought.

Brooke had to scoot away from her friend so she wouldn't get hit. Peyton started thrashing about in her sleep and screamed bloody murder. Brooke couldn't stand to see Peyton like this for another second. She was going to hurt herself if Brooke didn't stop her soon. Brooke timed it right so she could move in and grab Peyton's hands without getting smacked.

Peyton felt herself being grabbed so she opened her eyes and screamed again. Her eyes were fuzzy and she couldn't breathe. She didn't know who had her hands in a vice grip, but she wasn't going down without a fight. She let her hands go limp and suddenly punched forward with all her might. It worked. The hands let go of her. She sat up and looked around wildly. She didn't know where she was or how she got there. She was hyperventilating.

"Peyton calm down. You're safe. It's me, Brooke."

Peyton focused on the familiar, soothing voice that was coming from the floor. Her eyes cleared and she saw her best friend on the floor holding a hand to her lip.

"Did…did I hit you?" Peyton asked cautiously.

Brooke pulled her hand away from her lip and saw blood on her fingers. "No, my face bumped into your fist." She said, trying to lighten the mood. Brooke got up from the floor where she had landed after the punch and came and sat on the bed next to Peyton.

Peyton laid back on the headboard and calmed her breathing. "I'm sorry B, I didn't mean to punch you."

"I know." Brooke smiled, and then winced in pain. "Ouch."

Peyton reached up and touch Brooke lip, then she smiled. "Hope I didn't knock out a tooth." She chuckled lightly, wanting to evade the inevitable questions that were to follow.

"Be glad you didn't because then you would have a toothless best friend." Brooke let Peyton have her moment, before she got serious.

Peyton saw the serious face that her best friend put on. She wanted to redirect Brooke's thoughts from asking about her dream so she surprised Brooke by asking, "So, how did I get here?" She looked at Brooke sheepishly. She had a feeling she would be apologizing a lot today.

"You called me." Brooke said, she wasn't forgetting about the dream but she figure now was the time to deal with other issues. "I found you on the beach, passed out. I took you home, and here we are." She took Peyton's hand in her own. "Do you remember anything about last night?"

Peyton thought back. "The last thing I remember was dancing to live music at Tric, then I woke up here." Peyton took a deep breath and squeezed Brooke's hand. "Brooke, I'm really sorry about all this."

Brooke shut her eyes for a second before she answered. "You don't have to apologize to me for calling me to take care of you Peyt. I like taking care of you. What I don't like is finding out my bestest friend in the world is using drugs."

Peyton's eyes got wide, but before she could speak up, Brooke went on. "I don't like it when you're in pain, emotional or physical. I don't like it that you won't tell me who is hurting you." Brooke voice was shaking now.

"Brooke I…" Peyton started, but Brooke cut her off.

"Don't even try to deny it Peyton! I saw the marks on your body, and the huge ass bruise on your ribs! You have to tell me what's going on, and Peyt, I think you need to go to the hospital. You ribs are awfully tender. They might be broken." Brooke sighed.

Peyton took her hand out of Brooke's hand. "Brooke, I'm not going to the hospital. I'm fine…I'll heal." She amended. Brooke's face looked as if she were about to protest, but Peyton added, "But you're right Brooke. I should've told you more than I did, and not cut you completely out of my life." Peyton looked out at the sunny day, and then looked back at her best friend. "The truth is Brooke, I don't remember a lot of my life lately, and there is a reason for it. I take the drugs to make me feel better…to make me forget. I…I can't…I don't want you to know what kind of person I am Brooke." She took a breath, and Brooke gestured for her to go on. "I am ashamed of the person I've become." A tear came down Peyton's cheek and Brooke brushed it away with her thumb.

"Peyt, I will never be ashamed of you. You always amaze me." Brooke paused; she didn't trust her voice not to break. "I'm not gonna make you tell me, but P, I am gonna help you, whether you want it or not."

Peyton nodded her head. "I do want you help Brooke, always. I've missed you so…" She couldn't finish because of her voice cracking and because Brooke wrapped her in a hug.

"I've missed you too, P. Sawyer." They were both crying now.

Brooke pulled back a little and asked, "Can we just hang out today? Please?"

Peyton smiled. "Of course. That would be perfect." She looked at the clock. "Wow, it's only seven. I don't really want to go back to sleep though." She said, thinking of her dream.

Brooke's eyes got that gleam, and she said, "How about you take a shower…because you've got sand in places I don't even want to know about…and I'll make breakfast."

Peyton laughed. "You're going to cook?"

Brooke smiled. "Maybe I will. Now get your stinky ass in the shower!" She slapped Peyton's thigh and got up to leave the room. She turned back and said, "You know I love you, right?"

Peyton was still smiling. "I do know that Brooke."

Brooke smiled again and left to go see about breakfast. She knew they were still a long way from where she wanted them to be, but it was a start.