Year 1: So Many Birthdays
We were in Amethyst's room walking through many piles of messes.
Pearl: *to Amethyst* How can you live like this?
Amethyst: It was fine 'til you guys started whining.
Pearl: Whining?! The whole temple reeks!
Steven: I found it!
Pearl: *holds nose* What matter of magical alloy is this? *Steven unwraps tinfoil, gas plumes out*
Garnet: It's a burrito.
Amethyst: *takes burrito* It's the Tuna Burrito from Aqua-Mexican!
Steven: That place closed like five years ago! (Amethyst takes a bite, Steven flinches in disgust, Pearl looks on in horror)
Me: Hey guys! Look what I found! It's an old picture of us and Rose! (The picture was us gems and Rose in old timey clothes, in a boat, with Garnet at the front, punching a shark)
Steven: Is that really you guys with mom?
Pearl: It sure is Steven!
Steven: Really?
Garnet: The hard part was getting the shark to pose.
Steven: Why is everyone dressed like old timey people?
Pearl: They are old timey people.
Steven: *realizes* Wait, but that would mean... how OLD are you guys?
Me: Didn't your mother tell you that it's rude to ask about a gem's age? But we lived long before you were born.
Pearl: Much longer than any human.
Steven: Does that mean you'll live forever?!
Pearl: No, no. We don't age, but we can still get hurt and die. *Amethyst keels over with sickened look on her face from burrito and moans* ...but not from food poisoning.
Steven: I just can't believe you guys are like a bazillion years old! How do you find a cake big enough for all those candles?
Me: Cake?
Steven: Yeah, for your birthday.
Me: Birthday?
Garnet: We don't really celebrate birthdays.
Steven: *heavy gasp* Why not?!
Garnet: *shrugs* It's not our way.
Steven: Well I can't just ignore this travesty of unjustice.
Me: That's injustice, Steven.
Steven: It doesn't matter! Gems, I pledge that you will have your birthdays, with all the candy, cake and ice cream you've been denied.
Me: I think I'm beginning to like where this is going. *Amethyst vomits*
So the first thing we did was set up a birthday party for Amethyst. There was a picnic, balloons, not much guests, but there was huge where Amethyst sat with a royal cape.
Steven: *places "birthday crown" on Amethyst* And the birthday queen is, Amethyst! I hope you like it, Dad made me this outfit and it brings me special birthday luck every year.
Me: So, you might say it's your...*snickers* birthday suit? *Amethyst and I laugh*
Steven: *begins to sing* It might as well be your birthday, so why don't we have a party? Even if your age isn't real and your body's an illusion. *notices Lion playing with a birthday hat, stops singing* Hey!, I-it goes like this. *puts hat on Lion's head, Lion tries to take it off* Lion, you're killing me.
Me: When do we get to the cake?
Pearl: *holding a balloon* Um, Steven? I know you put a lot of effort into... putting faces on things. But could it be that we're just a tad mature for this ritual?
Amethyst: *Amethyst pokes Pearl's nose* Boop.
Pearl: GAH! *I burst out laughing as she chases Amethyst* You will remove that this instant!
Steven: Wait! Here. *offers Amethyst a bat with a ribbon on it*
Amethyst: Awww, *takes bat* I'll use it all the time! *motions to hit Pearl with bat*
Steven: NO! It's for the piñata. *holds piñata for Amethyst to hit* The Piñata is an artifact from ancient Aqua-Mexico. *Amethyst swings with blind fold wildly, almost hitting him* Aah, aah, aaah! *gives the Piñata to me*
Me: I got it Am! Give it your best shot girl! (Amethyst hits me in the head) Ow... (Amethyst hits me several times) Ow! No! A Little- DOH! Just-OH! (I fall down, Garnet holds the pinata)
Amethyst: *swings blindly and hitting Garnet each time* Am I *swing* getting *swing* close? *hits Garnet's cheek*
Garnet: Higher. *Amethyst peeks, jumps and knocks it far into the Ocean*
Amethyst: *throws the bat aside* Ha, what next Steven?
Steven: Well, you were supposed to get delicious candy when you broke it open.
Amethyst: *gasp* Wait, you had candy and you didn't just GIVE it to us?
Steven: There will be more sweet treats at Pearl's party, I promise.
Me: P-P-P-Pearl... Remember when you said we could still get hurt or die. I wish we didn't...
Luckily, Pearl's party was less painful. This time Steven wanted to add a little entertainment.
(Steven brings them to a cliff overlooking Beach City, with a similar setup. Steven dressed in a clown costume and Pearl with the birthday outfit.)
Steven: Happy Birthday! Honk. *honks nose*
Amethyst: Steven! That is a brave look.
Steven: No, it's funny.
Pearl: How?
Steven: *tries to explain but stops* Oh geez, I'm breaking character. Wait wait wait. I wrote some jokes!-*takes out pages of his jokes* "Why did Pearl throw butter out the window?"...
Steven: ...To see a butter fly!
Pearl: *hurt* I never did that. Steven, are you telling LIES?
Me: No that's joke, Pearl.
Steven: Oh, I know! Pearl, do you like pie?
Pearl:*nods* I do like pie.
Steven: *gets pie out of basket* Well then you're in luck, I baked you a pie. *sarcastically* I sure hope nothing happens to it!~
Pearl: Yes, me too.
Steven: *intentionally trips* Who- whoops!
Pearl: *catches him* Woah, Steven, I've got you. Be careful, you almost fell right on that- *Steven shoves the pie in his face * Ah!
Steven: *covered in pie* See Pearl? It's funny! *laughs, Pearl hides nervously behind Garnet*
Garnet: *Pearl whispers to Garnet* Pearl says she's all partied out and she's ready to go home.
Me: The problem with Pearls nowadays is that they don't understand jo- *I slip on the pie tin and fell off the cliff* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Amethyst: Now that's funny! (Amethyst laughed while Pearl worried for my well being)
Now it was my turn for my birthday, and considering all the bruises it's gotten me so far. I felt unsure where mine as heading.
(We were in my room with me wearing the crown and cape)
Steven: * plays music* What's a birthday party without games! Limbo! *Steven shimmied under a stick held by other sticks* How low can you go!
Amethyst: Let me try! *Amethyst shimmied even lower than Steven*
Steven: Way to go Amethyst! *claps*
Amethyst: Beat that, Marble.
Me: Is that a challenge? Set the bar lower my good man! *Steven did so*
Pearl: Um, I don't think that's gonna be good for her back.
Me: Relax P, we Marbles are naturally flexible. *I shimmied down as low as I can until there was a crick in my back and the music stopped* OH! My back! *I fell down*
Pearl: I tried to warn her...
Steven: Steven: This isn't going at all like it should. I've got to pull out the ultimate birthday.
Last but not least there was Garnet's party. In which Steven pulls off his "ultimate birthday". Which was miniature jeeps and kazoos in a race he simpily calls...
Steven: Kazoo Racers! *holding kazoo* You get in a car, you play a kazoo *blows kazoo*, what more could you want? *holds 3 more kazoos* Dad used to do this for me every year.
Pearl: *anxious, whispers to Garnet* I think this is why aging makes humans DIE!
Garnet: Steven, thank you for the birthday parties, but I don't think we'll need anymore.
Steven: Why not?
Garnet: Our age is only an illusion and Pearl's pretty sure this ritual is more for human children. *takes crown off*
Pearl: *remorsefully* Nothing against children.
Steven: Children? Everyone gets to have birthdays; seriously, give it a try. You're never too old.
Garnet: We're just too big.
Steven: You're not too big. Y-you just get in. *attempts to get in small car* And then, uh...
Amethyst: *shapeshifted into a baby, in small war jeep* I can fit! Which way to the baby war? *driving* EAT TREAD, DIRT BAGS! *Amethyst ran over my foot*
Me: OW! That tears it! So far i've threw my back, got beaten with a bat, and slid down a cliff. I'm starting to see why gems don't have birthdays! Sorry kid, I'm with them on this one!
Steven: What if birthdays are just for little kids? What if even I'm too old?
Amethyst: *drives next to him* No way! You TOTALLY fit! *picks him up and attempts to shove him in* Oh, my bad, you are too old. *drives off and laughs*
Pearl: Are you okay?
Steven: I just need to think. *gets up but car is stuck to his behind* Kazoo Racers suddenly seems undignified. *walks off*
We'd all felt pretty bad for Steven, the kid wanted us to experience how fun birthdays are. But he's got some growing up go do, and he did. Problem is he grew up too fast...
Pearl: *cleaning up decorations* You know, Steven was right, this is fun.
Amethyst: You don't have to keep wearing that stuff.
Garnet: *still wearing B-day outfit* It makes me feel... important.
Just then Lion came in with an aging Steven, he had a grey beard but no hair on his head, wrinkly skin, and was holding his last breath.
Pearl: Steven! *shocked* What's wrong with him?
Amethyst: He's okay; he's just really, really, really, really old.
Me: But how is that possible?
Pearl: *tearing up* Gems can't die from aging, but he's half human.
Amethyst: Can't we fix him?
Steven: *struggling* My birthday suit, might help. *Garnet takes off the birthday suit and Steven wears it*
Amethyst: Good as new. *exhales* Right...?
Steven: Thanks guys, but I guess this suit's all out of birthday magic. We had a good run, huh? *ages again*
Me: Liver spots... he's getting worse.
Garnet: More birthdays! NOW. *grabs the three of us*
Amethyst: Check it out B-Day Boy. (Amethyst transformed into a small car, and Garnet is riding her) I'm a tiny car!
Garnet: Beep beep. (Amethyst transforms back)
Steven: *struggling* Kids, stuff... *gem ages him further*
Amethyst: *transforms into a piñata* Ooh, piñata time!
Me: Good idea! (I hold a bat, ready to swing) *Steven's gem ages him even further* Bad idea!
Garnet: It's not working. Marble!
Me: Got it! (I bring out a limbo pole) Everybody limbo! (I shimmied under, and my back cracked again) Here we go... *I fall down*
Amethyst: Pearl! Get over here.
Pearl: I can't!
Amethyst: For STEVEN! *picks up Pearl in clown costume with a pie and in front of Steven*
Pearl: *tearing up* Oh, look, I have what, um, what appears to be a delicious pie. I sincerely hope nothing happens to- *cries* Oh Steven! *shoves pie in face, sobs in pie*
Amethyst: Are you trying to kill him faster?! (Pearl starts crying, then runs to Amethyst and hugs her, but accidentally strangles her because of her sadness) Pearl! *tries to break free*
Amethyst, Pearl, and Me: Garnet?! *we rush over to stop her*
Pearl: Wait a minute what are you doing?!
Amethyst: Garnet stop!
Garnet: *puts him down* I thought... violence... would be the answer.
Me: You thought violence would bring Steven back!?
Garnet: I panicked.
Pearl: You panicked?! (the three of us inaudibly and angrily yell at Garnet as Steven voices out his opinion, not noticing himself turning young)
Steven: *weak* Would you guys, just please *gem activates, turning him back into an adult* Control yourselves?! *gems stop and pay attention* Ugh, oh no. *transforms into a teen* Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled. *blushes* But I can't stand to see you *ages into adult again* freaking out like this!
Me: What is happening?
Garnet: Steven, you're changing!
Pearl: Your age is fluctuating... I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.
Amethyst: Steven! Stop-feeling-old!
Steven: *transforms into teen* But I wasted your time...*transforms into old man* We all had such little ti-ime...*depressed*
All Gems: STEVEN!
Pearl: You have to feel like yourself! Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious!
Steven: *transforms into teen* You really think I'm all those things?
Garnet: Yes!
Amethyst: Why else would you throw us all those parties?
Me: Beacuse you want us to have a special day.
Steven: Oh my gosh, you're right... *transforms back, to his old self* I am pretty great.
Pearl: Oh Steven! *Pearl and Amethyst rush to hug him* Steven!
Me: Well sorta back to normal...
Garnet: We'll work on the rest, later. *Steven pulls up his shirt to reveal he still has full grown legs; he laughs and bounces his legs up and down*
