Secret Desires & Fears (G-6)

Timing: After hearing the end of the story of Mary and Sarah, read by Miss Moore. ('A Great and Terrible Beauty' pg. 342-345).

I'm not sure what I could name the dreams I had this night. I would call it a nightmare, except for the fact that the very nature of it was almost the opposite of such. For example, when you think of the word 'nightmare' you may think of a paniced sensation of wanting to hide, caused by murderous and twisted illusions in your slumber. This was all frightening in such a different sense.

I woke up many times, too amy to count. I'd be so still and so sullen, then wake up in a cold sweat, somehow finding sleep once again within minutes no matter the intensity of my distress after the last.

I sat in the forest, leaning against a mossy trees, the wind blowing through my hair gently. Everything was dimed though not black, more of a dark misty green color, perhaps teal. The trees swayed their hanging limbs in my direction, reaching out asthough for help, their bodies still in despair.

My legs and arms, felt like led. I heard noise of horses coming towards me, I turned my head taking almost an eternity to find the direction. I could hear the laughter of children in the distance, though I was surely in the middle of a large woods, where no one, especially little ones, should venture. I was detached from my body, I believe, for I could feel my lips curved upwards though the images before me shook me from the core. My head continued to turn.

There, to the side of me, I could see a small girl. Her eyes searched the forest's dark floor frantically for something unseen to me. Her features were delicate, though dirtied to a far extent.

"Ma'am?" I suddenly found her eyes upon me. "May I have my dolly back?"

Ever so slowly a feel my limbs move, arms reaching down into my lap. As an unknown material tickles the tips of my fingers I slowly peer down to see what the queer item is.

Here there is a hole in my memory, as I can not claim remember what exactly it was in my lap, though it brings a shiver to my chest when I contemplate the possibility. Whatever it may have been, I recall laughing once my eyes came upon it.

Faces, I remember seeing faces, a very many faces. Some were very old and some were very new and I even recall some that were fimilar to me, most I could not identify though. Each face I saw brought on a different emotion in me, but none were pleasant.

I distincly remember one woman, she had eyes, hair, and a face like that of my mothers. I almost could mistake her for my mother, but there was something funny about the expression or perhaps the over all figure. She wasn't my mother... she couldn't be...

I remember many more periods of blankness in my mind, perhaps forgotten moments in the drawn out torture, minutes of unrest or possibly I am choosing not to try as hard as I might to record these undesired sights.

The last thing that I could in fact remember was in a feild of grass and wild flowers. Ann accompanied me as we used the power given to us from the realms for our pleasure, so fun and seemingly harmless, yet I could not help but remember Kartik's expression earlier when I had gone to him. Was he right?

I will now retire from these memories and hope not to be reminded of them again. There are too many other things of importance at the durrent moment to hang on this.