Chapter 11 what I really... want...
''Farewell Natsuki.'' The chestnut woman went while I stayed silent and not moving.
She left me again, the situation was similar to a year ago, I let her go without saying a word but now why did I do that? She confessed that she still loved me as much as the first day we meet despite all months has passed. One year, it was 12 months, 365 days, 52 weeks, 8765 hours ... I had to stop with all these numbers.
And all this time, she only thought of me. Our respective ages, our relationship, and whether you are both the same-sex didn't matter to her. For me, she dropped her mother's name. She told me many times that she loved me and I finally realized her feelings were real. Was I too late?
A lonely tear rolled down my cheek, my vision disturbed by the saltwater making me blink and irritated my eyes. I quickly wiped the mark of weakness with my hand. I looked at the floor and my endless tears won't stop pouring. I collapsed on my knees and put my head against the cold and rough ground.
''Damn!'' I shouted striking violently my fists against the ground.
Why I was crying? Why I reacted this way? I didn't understand these feelings. I never felt this pain before, except the day I lost my mother and my sister. Why I was sad and unhappy? No, I was desperate.
Why? I didn't know what happened to me; I tightened my chest that made me horribly suffer martyrdom. It was like a stabbing pain my heart and it was browsing all my soul. I would lose again someone I loved and I let her go without any reaction.
I was thinking of love? Yes.
I loved her? I love my niece? I... I think I love her but I was afraid of these feelings because I had never felt until now. All my life, I only knew the lust and disgust. And Shizuru suddenly entered in my miserable existence, she brought me something that I never thought I will have ... love and light.
Did I finally deserve to have some happiness in my life, especially with her? I didn't know myself ... it was so complicated. My life simply was. What I have done to deserve all this drama?
I always denied it but I knew from the beginning I felt this kind of loving feeling for Shizuru, when I met her for the first at the florist. She attracted me, she intrigued me, I was under her spell. It was a love at first sight like her. She was so beautiful; her eyes colored wine disturbed me and intoxicated my senses, but I did everything to hide it because it was something I considered impossible. I had refrained myself from it. Nevertheless I easily succumbed.
But when I learned she was my niece and my family, I immediately rejected the idea to love her that way. I couldn't be completely honest with her or myself. Even now, I wonder how could love in that way a member of my family. It wasn't normal ... I wasn't normal? It was disgusting and unhealthy. I knew it, but ... what should I do? To be again reasonable and forget her, yet I had never succeeded until today and it looked like the same for her.
If she got married then she would have a family and children, something I could never bring her in her life and she deserved the best and more importantly better than me. But the problem was ... did I really want? Before maybe, but now it wasn't the case.
This Yuuchi will never love as much as I do, and I was perfectly aware ... maybe it was with him she would ruin her life? I knew what I wanted and... It was ...her…
I saw her less and less. She gradually disappeared from my vision and my life, and I didn't want that happen again, I didn't want it! NEVER!
I couldn't help from getting up and running after my niece. I didn't want to lose her stupidly as one year ago. This time I would react instead of running away as I had always done.
''Shizuru!'' I shouted restlessly trying to reach her through my voice, but she didn't pay any slightest attention and she continued walking toward the taxi and entered inside. I accelerated my steps before the driver started his vehicle. I banged my fist on the window but the door stayed close.
''What do you still want me!'' Fujino yelled enraged lowering her window while I was facing her obvious anger.
''Shizuru, I have to speak with you.''
''Why? I thought we had already said everything earlier.'' Alyssa's daughter voice was cold and filled with hatred. I wasn't paying attention. I knew she was angry against me and I deserved it.
''No, I ... didn't say anything. Please look at me, I must confess my feelings, it's important.''
''Why do you always do that Natsuki! You liked torturing me and making me believe false hope or things which certainly never happened as you have already pointed out! You don't think I suffer enough for your uncertainties. I'm fed up now! I'm not going to run after you all my life! I lost a year and for nothing!'' She roared furiously.
''I ...''
''What do you want? Turning the knife in the wound? Making fun of me or my feelings which are childish or immature in your eyes! Or do you want I say I love you while it doesn't affect you one way or the other!'' The Kyoto woman beauty barked with a trembling voice. It wasn't true, your feelings were so precious to me ... I only had thought about you and not what I felt; I put aside everything for your happiness. I was aware I fucked up ... it was always true with me ... I was a selfish woman. We weren't together and I'd only make you suffer ... I had to let you go this time...
The car started and I remained standing like an idiot, I saw Alyssa's daughter turning in my direction. She looked dejected and ruby reflected an expectation, did she expected that I run after her? I will show her what I wanted to say was important. I had to prove I was sincere with her; she deserved it after what I have done to her.
I ran after the taxi. It quickly went away, but it didn't stop me. I continued my track race but it was in my biggest disadvantage. I manage to run a little longer, I was breathless and sweating. I felt miserably on the ground, but I got up without losing a moment. I was hot, and perspiring, I didn't know if I can hold longer. I never ran so much in my life. But I couldn't even join the taxi which wasn't anymore there.
It was impossible; I wasn't a high-level sportswomen, or a superman. I didn't know where she went. If she went back home, I can't catch her up. I had to give up. Yes it was better, though my legs didn't obey me. They continued to move with a painfully stubbornness. The rain began to fall on me. I didn't know how long I was on the road. I couldn't hold anymore, I collapsed breathing with difficulty. I rolled on my back while the hostile weather emaciated furiously on me. I laughed hysterically covering my face with my arms, shameful to show my pain in daylight.
'' ... You're right since the beginning Shizuru ... I am a despicable person... I realized over time ... and I am sincerely sorry to made you suffer, I'm so sorry ... don't worry, I won't make you lose your precious time, you will never see again in your life ... I promise ... I will disappear and forever. It will be easier now to forget me. It wasn't a good choice for you.'' I declared hurt.
''No, I do not think so. I've done all my possible to forget you, but in vain. I'm probably crazy or stupid to repeat the same mistake but I will always hope…Even if it's destroyed me totally, I could never get away from you, and I'm always going back to you. I don't know if it was good decision, it's up to you to tell me if I was wrong.'' The chestnut goddess inquired while I removed my arm and I saw Fujino with a sad smile, wet by the rain.
''Shizuru it's you?''
''Yes...''
She was beautiful even though I could see her beautiful eyes reddened with tears and sorrow which didn't seem to stop running down her face. I couldn't stand seeing her in such pain, I awkwardly stood exhausted by my running and I held her tenderly in my arms. She put her head on my shoulder and cried. She hugged me strongly, and grabbed my shirt fearing that I can go away…again. I stroked her hair to calm her; I kissed her cold cheek and waited a bit before speaking.
''Shizuru ... I'm an idiot ... I know ... I was afraid of loving you but also to make you suffer because I had never felt this strong feeling to hold dear or care about someone. Before I couldn't accept your feelings because you were fragile, vulnerable and it was abusing you and I could never do that, because I really care about you. But the main problem is that you're my niece and you always will be and it's not normal this kind of love you have for me or I have to you ...'' I confessed with sad eyes.
''I know what you feel; I have the same doubts as yours Natsuki. I wonder if I have a problem because I fell in love with my mother's sister ... just saying aloud is strange, and abnormal. Yet I have done everything to bury those immoral feelings but in vain, you have always been omnipresent in my heart and nobody was able to fill this presence…''
''Shizuru you're younger than me and I'm the adult, it's my duty to act in a thoughtful way, and you're right indicating me that I am a kid, I realize now.''
''I'm not a child anymore Natsuki…and you aren't one ... I said these words because I was angry, hurt ... because everything you told me a year ago was simply the truth and I didn't want to face you are ... my aunt, my family. Then I threw away all my frustration in you because I hated our situation, not being able to love you freely, and hearing you saying in your mouth made things more real. ''
''...''
''...''
''Shizuru, I-I can't give you the love you deserve, because I suffered a lot in the past, and I don't know if one day I could recover. I want the best for you. That you're happy, that you smile and laugh. I want you live your life freely and you enjoyed it. I didn't believe in anybody or I was fearing of being hurt or abandoned again because it's too painful. I thought if you hated me or I pushing you away abruptly, you would take yourself the decision to get away from me. I thought that if you were with me, you did it because you lost your parents and you needed affection and it wasn't a good thing for you, then I rejected you so you can actually see what you really wanted. I thought it wasn't me you needed in your life and even now I still thinking it.'' I breathed in her ear, she gently touched my back.
''Ara but I've told you many times you're the only one I want and even now I haven't changed my mind, never.'' Fujino argued removing from my hug; she smiled tenderly at me and stroked my cheek wiping a tear or maybe it was the rain.
''I don't know ... I'm totally lost ... I wouldn't have chase you or even tell you all these silly things while I'm in such an emotional state. Forget it please ... no forget me, it's the best thing for you. You deserve better than all this pitiful melodrama I bring you continually.'' I was going to go but the beauty with rubies grabbed my arm and forced me to stay.
''Oh no! Don't dare to escape, it's too late now; especially after what you told me and I dream to hear from you! And don't tell me it's for my good! Don't you see it's hurting me!'' My niece yelled enraged, she grabbed me by the collar of my shirt.
''It's not too late ... you can always change your mind and find someone else ... than me ... and ...Tate.''
''No! I don't want anybody else but you! Why don't you understand! YOU'RE THE ONLY I WANT! I love you so much Natsuki! I'm totally crazy in love of you!''
''I ... you deserve better than me, I'm sure.'' I replied sadly with a heavy and bruise heart.
''Why you didn't stop to repeating the same speech? And you depreciate yourself?''
''Because everything I say is the truth.''
''Your truth! It isn't the same thing and you try to convince yourself that was the best thing for both of us but it isn't! You don't see how much we both suffer?''
''...''
''Natsuki if I was with someone else, what would you do?''
''If you're happy it's what matters the most to me whatever the person with whom you are.'' I lied biting the inside of my cheek; I felt the blood flowing mix up with my saliva.
''Always the same speech which sounds so wrong! I don't want to hear your reason but your heart!'' She roared angrily.
''What do you feel if I was with somebody else Natsuki? For example Tate, or another boy or girl? What would have been your feelings? Imagine I kiss this person, we make love together, I hold in my arms, I touch him or her intimately. What will you feel? Don't tell me what you want for me! It doesn't interest me! Tell me the truth for once and don't hide anymore your feelings!'' The Kyoto beauty said pointing her finger on my chest. I breathed with difficulty looking at the sky. I imagined Shizuru with another person, as she had expressly asked and I was going to lose my mind because of the anger, jealousy, and bitterness.
''I'd be miserable ... desperate ... sad ...'' I confessed ill-at-ease avoiding her gaze.
''Why? Tell me the reason... please my Natsuki ... Why would you feel that way? '' Alyssa's daughter's begged holding her breath and she bit her lower lip.
''...''
''Natsuki why would you be unhappy! Answer me, I'm begging you ...'' Fujino repeated nervously, she grabbed my shoulders and shook me; she forced me to look straight into her eyes. I finally dared to look at her and I grabbed her face with my hand.
''Because ... I-I-I,'' I hesitated not able to finish clearly my sentence, I didn't want to admit the truth because I was too afraid to face it.
''Because what Natsuki! Say it dammit!'' Shizuru growled putting her trembling hand on my cheek.
''...'' Crap! Why I can't say these words ... she waits so desperately to hear it... maybe because I had never told them to anyone before ... and this will be the first time I really feel that feeling for someone ...
''Natsuki please ... don't leave me in like this, it's killing me slowly...''
'' ... I ... I ... I've ... LL-lo…ve…you.'' I stuttered nervously. It was horrible and embarrassing andHORRIBLE! I can't do that, I am not anymore a teenager who's trying to confess her love to the boy she likes... well I mean the girl she loves. Also there was a beautiful rainbow; now all cliché represented for a romantic confession we could see in some movies. It was so cliché that made me sick just to think it. Fujino stayed calm and…cried? Oh my gosh! She put her hands to hide her face and she convulsed and hiccupped furiously. I was totally freaked out by her reaction. She caught a cold? Or she didn't feel right? Or it was my fault?
''Shizuru, please don't cry, I don't won't see you sad because of me. I shouldn't have said those words. I'm sorry. Please forget.'' I told her removing her hands from her face, which consumed by tears and suffering I wiped the tears kissing it, her eyes closed enjoying all my kisses. But I could feel a painful pinch in my size.
''Don't say that! I desperately wanted you tell me your feelings for me. And these aren't tears of sadness but joy because I'm so happy, you have no idea. I waited that moment you tell me these words, I only fear it was an illusion ... that my desires blinded me; I'm terrified I will wake up from this wonderful dream. Yes I'm scared to take my desires for granted and I lose again like every night during one year I dream of you. And I'm afraid a few minutes later I stay alone in my bed ... you aren't with me. You disappear and I can never catch you and hold you ... I will not bear ... it is also why I can't contain my tears, I love you.'' I grabbed with two of my fingers my niece's chin, forcing her to watch me.
''Shizuru Fujino I love you.'' I declared honestly with a smile, I became a bit scarlet by my sincere declaration of love. This didn't escape the honey-haired goddess, who began to smile, she jumped into my arms making me lose my balance and we both fall in a puddle of water that splashed us even more. I winced and I opened my eyes and saw that Shizuru stood up, putting her hands resting next to me, she remained close to my face. Her gaze fixed mine and we blushed at the same time. Then we couldn't stop laughing about the grotesque situation that we were.
''Now, I know it's real.'' She smiled wonderfully touching my lips ''It take you time to tell me what you feel, I almost wait until my deathbed.''
''I'm sorry.'' I apologized embarrassed.
''It isn't enough to apologize, I want more.'' Fujino pouted, which made me smile.
I grabbed her wrist, which surprised her, and I brought back to me to prove my real love for her. I captured her lips for a long and burning kiss. I kissed her as I had always wanted to do, a passionate loving kiss reflecting all my hidden emotions. It became more intense and wild; our tongues fondled, we both seeking domination to the other. A few seconds later, out of breath, we separated for our need of air, our foreheads remained bonded to the other one and we smiled stupidly. I release my sweetheart, who was blushing profusely and seemed be over the moon.
''Shi-zu-ru?'' I called softly putting her long hair behind her ear.
''Ara~'' she answered staring into space, '' Natsuki kisses divinely I almost lose my mind, what it wouldbe in bed? Now I'll never let you escape, even if I have to attach you to me, perhaps I should use handcuffs fufu.'' My niece whispered, a perverse smile appeared on the lips, which frightened me.
''What were you thinking a moment ago Shizuru?'' I stuttered panic.
''Ara you really want to know my Na~tsu~ki~'' She smiled in a lecherous way.
''Uh ... no it's fine, forget what I said ...'' I looked at her with tenderness then she started to blush, for once it wasn't me who had this reaction. She was so adorable; I understood better her want to tease me.
''Natsuki has improved over the last time, even though we can't really compare with that kind of kiss I gave you before it was only on the lips.''
''Why? Because it's more mature? Or it's done for a mutual love?''
''Maybe both but tell me one thing.''
''What?''
''I hope that you don't train yourself with other girls or boys. You aren't a player?'' Shizuru threatened looking suspiciously at me; even my murderous glare wasn't as scary as her.
''NO, of course not!'' I grew pale about her implication; this girl is scary when she was jealous and angry. I thought she was going to murder me. One thing that I had to keep in future, never made her angry.
''You denied too quickly, have I to worry?'' The jealous woman scolded with a frowning.
''No! I've been single during a loooong time. I could ask you the same question, I'm sure you had a lot of success with boys and girls, you probably are very popular in your school, and we had to queue up to go out with you.''
''Ara I can't deny I was pretty popular even though I don't understand myself the reason. I was seito kaichou of my school and I had fan clubs but even if I flirted a little, that was never seriously. I never kiss someone else as we have just done, except on the cheek but I can't go further with them, I couldn't ... no, I didn't want to.'' She had a fan club? And she was the seito kaichou of her school? I wasn't surprised; I would like to meet her when I was a student and younger. I didn't know if we could be friends, nobody will know.
''Really? Then I'm your first and only kiss?''
''Maybe.''
''You mean when we were on the cliff, it was your first kiss? But you told me you went out with boys.'' I asked amaze and glad.
''I went out with boys, yes, but there was never more. Or I stop because I wasn't ready.''
''So I'm your only love?'' I smiled warmly kissing the tip of her nose.
My chestnut beauty blushed instantly and she turned her head away from me.
''You already know.'' She mumbled to my enjoyment.
I stood up, when she gave me her hand to help me up and I brought my niece against me.
''Natsuki, I would like to talk about what you asked me a year ago, when we were in law firm.''
I scratched my neck seeking what she was talking about but I had no slightest idea and she noticed.
''Mou Natsuki, how can you be forgetful, it's our future we are speak ...Ikezu…''
''I'm sorry but I can't remember it.'' I replied with a pout.
''You're too cute my Natsuki!''
''Stop with that,'' I blushed embarrassed.
''But it's true…what we talked about? It's your fault Natsuki you always made me lose my mind ... oh yes ... you suggested I can live with you, it's always possible?'' she asked me with a sparkle of hope in her eyes. I remained speechless; I didn't expect such a request.
''Yes, sure.'' I stuttered looking our intertwined fingers.
''I would want we could finally live together as a real couple.''
''Well ...Of course.''
My niece brought my hands to her lips and kiss them, then she told me she loved me and I kissed on her forehead, she gave me a quick kiss on my lips and I began to smile.
''Natsuki about my proposal of marriage? You didn't answer me. Will you become my wife?'' She added making puppy eyes, I turned my head because I had some difficulty to breathe, and she proclaimed I'm cute, but she was the one who really was.
'' ... You're very fast, we are couple just a few minutes ago.''
''But I've waited over a long year! One year of abstinence and it was very long you can't know how frustrated I am but I will catch up all this time, be sure to Natsuki that you must beg me to leave you alone, of course I would never, because you belong to me your soul and…body. And it's been 18 years since I waited you in my life.'' She said sulkily, her words made me blush intensely, I never thought she would say something so romantic while I was expecting something more, you know a little teaser, though, I had the feelings she had thought of something, it would be better not to know.
''Yes, but we skip too many steps, we even go out together or do anything else that would make a normal couple. And I didn't say I wasn't thinking about marriage with you, we'll see when the time comes. It's too early now.'' I floundered embarrassed by what I said, because I never imagined that one day I will talk about marriage, but it was only with her that I thought this kind of thing.
''So wants to be my girlfriend to make naughty and perverse things with me? Our relationship is only sexual for you?'' WHAT! Here was what I expected from her! Tease me when things get serious.
''No! And we haven't made sex!'' I added scarlet realizing what I had said.
''I see, you only think about it from the beginning. My girlfriend is a real sex maniac. I will be more careful.''
''No, it's not true! I'm not a sex maniac! That would be you!'' I said uncomfortable.
''So you don't want to do this kind of thing with… me?'' She said putting her hands on her face.
''Of course I want ... I mean no ... no I'd love if it's with you ...'' I stuttered red with embarrassment, how dare she make me say this kind of thing? She perverted me and yet I was the adult here.
''Ara I love to live with you but especially enjoy ~ these ~ Na-tsu-ki.'' Fujino gave me a noisy slap to my butt and I jumped surprised by her unexpected gesture, I put my hands on my butt and I saw a carnivorous smile which made me shiver along the spine.
''Now they belongs to me.'' The beauty noticed pointing my posterior.
''I'm sorry to disappoint you but they are mine.''
''Perhaps, but now they belongs to me too, just like the rest. You belong to me completely Natsuki.'' I think I will have a hard time. I thought smiling when my girlfriend took me by the waist and rested her head against my shoulder.
''Natsuki?''
''Yes?''
''I love you.'' I blushed and smiled.
''I love you too Shizuru.''
''We have to go home, or we will be sick.'' I suggested.
''I'm looking forward to going to our home my Natsuki.''
FIN
N/A:I never imagined I finished this translation. I know I haven't been replying to your reviews in previous chapter, but I will do this time. And It wasn't a bad-ending for those who worried. Also for those who said the story was fast, I don't think so. And the other alternative end was Shizuru's wedding. And adding more chapter wasn't possible even if I wrote a sequel Suffer of heart (Les souffrances du coeur in French) but it stayed in hiatus. Thanks again for reading my FF.
