Chapter 11 -

AN – Trigger warning for a paragraph or two later on in the chapter. As always it will be underlined and it can be skipped. I have had a few messages and reviews that seem worried about where the story is going. Swanqueen is endgame but I want this story to be realistic which means slowburn and a lot more angst I'm afraid. Keep leaving reviews though, I love hearing what you guys think! - M&R

This chapter is dedicated to Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds who passed away during the time I was writing this chapter.


Friday 18th December 2009

Regina hadn't worked for 3 days. Emma was getting worried about her and none of the other nurses would answer her questions.
"Neal. Where is Regina?"
"How am I supposed to know. They are gristle not crystal" he smirked at his crude joke that Emma didn't really understand.
"She hasn't been here for a few days" she stated hoping for an explanation
"You are never this concerned about the other nurses when they aren't in" Neal questioned raising a thick eyebrow.
Emma responded with a deep sigh.
"Emlar, stop worrying, she might be unwell or she may have taken some days off. She will be back before you know it" Neal was confused as to why the young girl was so caught up with the attractive yet moody nurse. He wasn't sure why anyone would care for her enough to be concerned of her whereabouts but he tried to calm her anyway. He had heard the rumors about the two of them and had ignored them for the most part but as the two of them sat in silence his mind wandered to whether there was any truth to the comments. He was brought back to the present when Emma threw a bunch of socks at his chest
"Earth to Neal"
"What?"
"I asked if you wanted to play rummy?
" Emma furrowed her brows wondering what he was so lost in thought about but realized she didn't particularly care.
"Sure"

The two sat on opposite ends of Emma's single bed playing for about an hour. The night shift was due to start soon so they didn't have long until Neal went home. They were both pretty good at the game so both won an equal amount. Eventually a quiet knock at the door interrupted one of Emma's victory dances. Both teens looked at the door, both secretly hoped it wasn't someone to take over Neal's shift with Emma. Neither expected Regina to walk in the door for a night shift. And neither expected her to look so... different.

Regina nodded to Neal as he stood up and passed her the clipboard with wide eyes. He had never seen Regina in jeans and a t-shirt before. Her hair was in a loose ponytail and her makeup was so minimal the bags under her eyes could probably be seen from space.
Emma quickly tidied up the cards sprawled across her bed and placed them in a pile on her desk. When she turned around Neal had left and Regina was sitting on the red chair with her knees pulled up to her chest reading the clipboard. Emma stood staring at her for a few moments until the brunette looked up at her. The whites of her eyes bloodshot and her waterline a bright pink color. Her skin was duller and her hair looked like it hadn't even seen a shower in days.
"Are you showering before bed?" Regina asked, her voice showing her exhaustion. She sounded like she was about to fall asleep at any moment and if she had Emma wouldn't have been particularly surprised.
Emma shook her head "I showered this morning". She slowly edged towards her bed as if getting closer to the nurse could hurt her. "I think I'm going to make a cup of hot chocolate, would you like anything?" The blonde asked. She had no idea what was going on and she had to admit she was a little scared. She had never seen Regina like this before and by Neal's reaction she could safely assume he hadn't either.
Regina didn't respond but stood to accompany her patient to the kitchen.
When the two of them had gone to the small kitchen together before Regina would always stand next to Emma making a coffee or cup of tea for herself. This time she stood barely in the doorway glancing at Emma every few seconds. This made Emma feel more uncomfortable than she had been when she first had to shower in front of someone. As the kettle boiled she turned to the nurse and raised an eyebrow, daring her to answer her question or to say anything at all. Regina didn't even look away from the doorframe "black coffee no sugar". Emma nodded once before turning back towards the work surface as her concern grew, that wasn't how she usually took her coffee. This woman who she had grown attached too now seemed like a complete stranger. She was instantly reminded of her mother, the woman who could change as fast as she could empty a bottle of wine. Emma poured the boiling water into the mugs she had set out, her hand shaking so much she dropped it. "Fuck" Emma yelled.
It landed the right way up on the countertop so no water spilt and she was completely uninjured but Regina dropped her clipboard and rushed to her side in an instant. The nurse grabbed her arms checking them for burns but dropped them just as fast when she realized the blonde was fine. Then she reached over and poured the water herself, making sure not to touch Emma at all anymore. Once she had finished she walked away without a word, picked up the clipboard and stared at the doorframe again. Emma stood, frozen, watching her until she remembered the drinks.


When they were back in Emma's bedroom she placed both of the mugs on her bedside table that was between the bed and the chair Regina was sitting on.
Emma was losing her cool extremely quickly. Seeing Regina like this was like watching her mother as she punched her father in the chest. As she threw bottles and picture frames and anything she could reach at Emma. As she screamed and screamed and screamed at her. But being screamed at was easier than this silence. At least she knew why her mother was treating her that way. Regina wasn't drunk and Emma has done nothing to deserve this treatment.
Emma sat down with her back to her bed, hidden from Regina. "I can't see you"
Regina told her as she had to be in eyesight at all times.
Emma pulled her knees to her chest and lowered her forehead to them. Tears started flowing the second her face was hidden. She had mastered crying silently as it angered her mother to hear her. A few moments passed, the fabric on Emma's knees now completely soaked with tears and Regina was standing up to lean against the desk so she could see Emma again. Seeing the blonde like this was breaking Regina's heart and within seconds her own tears were falling down her cheeks onto her shirt. The two women crying silently for a few moments until Regina couldn't stand it any longer. She sat down next to Emma and placed her hand on the blonde's back. Emma turned to look at the older woman, noticing her tear stained cheeks and was taken aback. "Don't touch me" she growled as she pushed herself away from the nurse. There was about a person's width between them now. Regina burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Emma looked at her, this beautiful woman, crying her eyes out in a ball on her bedroom floor.
"Regina" she spoke just above the sound of her crying but got no response.
"Look at me" she spoke louder but still got no response.
"Regina fucking look at me" she yelled not caring if she woke Ruby next door to her.
Regina lifted her head out of her hands and looked at the beautiful blonde next to her. The 17 year old looking right back at her. Brown, blood shot eyes meeting green. "Tell me what is going on right now"
Regina shook her head as she sniffled. "I can't" she whispered.
"Why?" Emma moved closer to Regina again but still not touching her.
"It's wrong." Regina whimpered and Emma's heart broke. She knew from those two words exactly what Regina was thinking. Emma knew what she wanted and what needed to happen were two different things and to help Regina she needed to put aside her own feelings.
"Then ignore it. We can't be together but we can't stay like this either."
Regina didn't say anything so Emma continued.
"We need to pretend we are nothing but nurse and patient. It's the only way this is going to work." Emma spoke quietly but neither missed her voice breaking when she said 'nothing'.
"You will never be nothing Emma. Not to me" Regina whispered staring into watery green eyes. Most of the time the only way you could tell what Emma was feeling was through her eyes.
"You have to pretend Regina. We both do. We can't do this" Emma was crying again.
"I know angel, I know"


Emma had fallen asleep resting her head on Regina's shoulder, both still sitting on the floor. Luckily the older woman was reasonably strong and the teen didn't weigh very much so Regina was able to lift Emma onto her bed and tuck her in properly. Regina had taken the night shift hoping that if Emma was asleep for the majority of her shift it would be easier to stay away from her but as she sat on the chair staring at the mess of blonde hair sprawled over the pillow with the adorably quiet snores being the only noise in the room, she knew that assumption was false. All she wanted to do right now was to cuddle up next to Emma and hold her as she slept which she could have done if she stayed with Emma on the floor but she cared too much about the comfort of the teen and she didn't want her back to hurt in the morning.

Watching the blonde sleep was making her feel how tired she was and she sat there forcing herself to stay awake.

"Regina" a voice whispered from the doorway making her jump.

"Time for your break" a male nurse she had only met a few time before explained as he walked in closing the door quietly behind him.

Regina didn't want to leave Emma but knew she had to otherwise she was going to fall asleep. Usually on her break she would drive to the park down the road and eat lunch there. But this was her first night shift so she decided to drive to the 24 hour diner down the road to get some more coffee.


She sat down with her coffee in a booth, the red pleather worn down so much in parts the cushion filling was visible. She sipped the black liquid and winced at the bitter taste. It was definitely the worst coffee she had ever tasted but she didn't care. There weren't many people at the diner at 2 am so the waitress was watching her as she drank, probably making sure she wasn't some homicidal maniac. What kind of person drinks black coffee at 2 in the morning. Regina smiled towards the waitress and downed her drink as soon as it had cooled down enough, left the money on the table and walked out of the diner. She stopped in front of the doorway to the diner, closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. The cold, winter air hitting her lungs and waking her up a little.

"What's a pretty peach like you doing in a place like this at this time of night?" A southern sounding voice startling her.

"Does it matter what I am doing?" Regina responded harshly to the reasonably handsome looking guy.

"Not at all maam, you seem stressed. You wanna smoke?" He asked offering her an open pack of cigarettes. Regina had smoked a few times when she was younger, mainly as a rebellion from her mother but never made a habit of it so she wasn't sure why she was reaching out to take one from a stranger outside a run-down diner in the early hours of the morning. "Thank you"

"Not a problem" the man responded as he lit the cigarette already between Regina's lips.

Regina took a long drag from the cigarette and inhaled slowly. The warm smoke filling her lungs and calming her heart rate almost instantly. She exhaled at she looked up at the sky, the stars shining a lot brighter than she remembered them being when she lived in New York but then The Middle of Nowhere, Maine had a lot less pollution.

The two adults stood in silence as they smoked. Both of them looking up at the sky. When Regina finished her cigarette she threw it to the ground putting it out with the toe of her shoe. "It was nice meeting you..."

"Joe, you too…"

"Regina" she replied before she walked to her car and drove back to the hospital.


It was about 5 o'clock when she decided it had been long enough and went to relieve the guy on Emma's one to one. She silently entered the blonde's bedroom and told the nurse she would stay here until the end of the shift which was 3 hours away.

Regina settled back into the chair and prepared for the next few hours.

"You smell like smoke" Emma mumbled, her voice heavy with sleep as she looked up at the nurse from the bed.

"You are supposed to be asleep"

"Tim kept coughing, I've been awake for a while" Emma explained.

"Well I will make sure I don't cough, go back to sleep" Regina spoke calmly trying to relax the teen.

"You've been smoking" Emma posed as a statement more than a question.

"Perhaps"

"Why?"

"I was offered one and decided to take it, is that a problem?"

"Well, no, I guess not. But you told me you thought it was a disgusting habit" Emma quoted Regina from a few weeks ago.

"It is, but it was one cigarette and I won't make a habit of it. Now go back to sleep Emma."

"I'm not tired anymore" Emma shrugged as she sat up in bed.

"Fine" Regina rolled her eyes as she shivered.

"You're cold?" Emma asked.

"A little, I will be fine" Regina smiled trying to stop Emma from worrying to no avail. Emma shuffled her body to one side of the bed and patted the mattress next to her.

"Come here, it's warm" Emma demanded.

Regina debated whether or not she should. She knew she shouldn't but she really was cold and nobody was going to come in for another 3 hours so nobody would catch them. She shouldn't.

"Ok" she gave in and climbed into the bed next to Emma after removing her shoes. Emma pulled the comforter over the older woman and pulled her in closer, hugging her until she finally stopped tensing her entire body and relaxed into her embrace.

"Are you warmer now?" Emma whispered into Regina's hair.

"Yes, thank you"

They stayed like that until Regina heard soft snoring from next to her and she climbed out of the bed laying the blonde back down and giving Emma her space back.

The room felt colder than before now she had been warm. With just over 30 minutes left of the shift she decided she could borrow one of Emma's sweaters and return it before she left however when that time came and Milah snuck in to take over so she could go home, Regina didn't want to take it off. The soft, cream woolen jumper smelt like the blonde and she wanted nothing more than the keep it, even just for the day until she returned for her next shift in 12 hours. She wrote a quick note on one of the blonde's post it notes and left it on next to her toothbrush knowing that Emma would be the first to see it there.

Emma,

I borrowed your cream sweater, I hope you do not mind.

I will see you tonight so will return it to you then.

Enjoy your day.

Regina x


Emma went to brush her teeth less than half an hour after the day shift started. Most of the patients were going home for the weekend this morning and Emma's own parents were coming to see her today. Both of them. David had visited Emma a grand total of three times in the 2 months she had been in the hospital. Mary Margaret was yet to visit. Emma stood in her small en-suite staring at the tiny x at the end of the note, imagining the internal struggle that must have happened before the was written. She smiled as she pocketed the note, not wanting to flush this one as she has the last and brushed her teeth counting down the hours until she would see the brunette again.


By the time MM and David arrived in Storybrooke there were only 5 patients left on the ward as the rest had gone home for the night. Emma had gotten dressed in light blue jeans, a white tank top with a red plaid shirt over the top to cover her arms. She had been pacing the length of the ward for the past 20 minutes. Robin had stopped following her and sat down after 5. Finally, the doorbell rang and Emma ran to hug her dad, jumping up and wrapping her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck.

"Hey squirt!" David exclaimed as he wrapped his arms around his daughter.

Mary Margaret stood uncomfortably behind them watching their embrace until Emma stood up and moved to hug her awkwardly. The hug lasted a few seconds and Emma hated every moment. It didn't go unnoticed by Robin who decided to stay with the family during the visit instead of giving them some time to be alone.

"Emma, do you want to take your parents into the lounge?" Robin called over.

"Yeah, ok. Umm are you coming?" Emma asked turning to look at Robin. The look in her eyes made Robin think she wanted him to stay but he wasn't sure.

"Yes, I will give you some space but I do have to be in the room with you" he lied. When family members visited patients on one to one observations they were allowed to be left with the family, unless the family wasn't trusted to keep their child safe.

The four of them sat in the lounge, Emma and David sitting close together, Mary Margaret sitting on the couch opposite them. Robin sat on an arm chair by the door watching MM out of the corner of his eye and listening to the conversation.

The conversation remained calm and normal for 15 minutes or so. The family spoke about Emma's friends, Davids work and what positive things people had said about Emma. Until "Do you like it here Emma?" Mm asked. Robin was intrigued to the answer to this question as it said a lot about a patient whether or not they liked it in the hospital.

"Umm, I guess. Everyone is really caring and friendly" Emma replied rolling her shoulder noncommittally. David stayed quiet as always.

"So you prefer it to being at home then?"

The loaded question making Emma tense and turn to look at Robin with wide eyes who was watching the interaction closely.

"Umm. I. Sometimes" Emma answered honestly.

"Well what is the point of us visiting then if you don't want to be around us?" Mm raised her voice.

"That's not what I said" Emma replied, her voice shaking.

"Come on David, we clearly aren't welcome here." Mm directed at Emma as she stood up quickly, staring at her like she wanted to kill her.

Emma grabbed her dad's hand and Robin stood up prepared to intervene if necessary.

"Has she been drinking?" Emma whispered to her dad making sure her mother couldn't hear her.

David nodded slightly, only Emma caught the movement and sighed.

He leaned across and placed a kiss on his daughter's temple with a squeeze of her hand before standing to leave with his wife.

Robin looked at David as he walked past and mouthed "I've got her, it's okay"

David stopped to shake Robin's hand and left the hospital with watery eyes.

Emma was still sitting on the couch and had pulled a cushion into her lap playing with the fabric.

"Emma"

"Mmh"

"Do you need anything?" Robin asked soothingly placing his hand on her knee as he knelt in front of her.

Emma shook her head and stood up to walk into her room.


The rest of the day Emma didn't say a word. Just going through the motions. She ate lunch sitting with the other 4 patients that hadn't gone on home leave, Ruby, Belle, Peter and Will. She didn't say a word. After lunch was the biweekly group therapy session. Emma decided to go as it gave her an hour without being constantly asked if she was okay. Or so she thought.

"How is everyone today" Dr Hopper asked as he sat down next to Peter on the couch opposite Emma, Ruby and Belle. Will was sitting on his own chair.

"Good" the group, minus Emma, responded.

"So I thought today we could talk about the future? How does that sound?" Hopper addresses the group.

"What do you mean the future? Peter asked.

"Well why don't you start Peter, what is your ideal future?" Dr Hopper turned his body to face the young boy.

"Umm. I would be working as an actor, wife, kids. Big house in a suburban neighborhood and an apartment in New York City. I wouldn't have scars anymore. I would be clean from drugs. I would be happy with my life and myself. Err, Is that the kind of answer you wanted?" Peter spoke confidently, Emma always envied his confidence but knew it was an act. She had seen him shaking and sweating as he cried for days with drug withdrawals. His voice was strong but the tremor gave him away.

"That's brilliant Peter. Who wants to go next? "Hopper turned his body back towards the group. Ruby spoke up "I will." She sat up a little and cleared her throat.

"I would be married to a beautiful woman, maybe own a little cafe or diner. Have a dog. No. Two dogs. And a little cottage in the woods with a big garden for them to run around in."

"What about your mental health?" Dr Hopper asked

"Well I would be alive. And I would want to stay that way." Ruby offered.

"Fantastic! Who is next?"

Belle spoke up and told her dreams of living in a little seaside town running a library. Married with one or two children. Her scars would have faded and her hair will have grown back in the places where she has pulled it out. She smiled as everyone listened intently to her detailed descriptions her ideal life.

Then it was Will's turn, "I don't know what I want to do, or be or where I want to live. Maybe New York or Chicago. I just know I want to be able to look at a plate full of food and not think about how many calories it contains. And be able to step on a scale and look at the number without crying and be able to look in the mirror without hating every single thing I see." When he finished he was crying. So was Emma. Not because of Will's story but because she was next and she didn't have an ideal future. She didn't want a future.

Emma stood up, ran out of the room and straight into her room locking the door behind her before Robin could even react. The door could be unlocked from the outside by the nurses but it would take them a few moments to get the key. Emma grabbed the desk chair and pushed it underneath the door handle. She just needed to be alone, just for a little while.

Pacing her room, she could hear the voices of Robin, Neal, August and Milah trying to unlock the door. Neal was yelling through the door "Emma just open the door"

Emma's pacing speed increased as she started clenching and un-clenching her fists. "Emma open the door sweetie" Milah tried.

The blonde grabbed the mug that once held Regina's coffee and threw it at the wall. The voices behind the door silenced for a few seconds and then were louder than ever. "Emma? what was that noise? Open the door. We are just trying to help you"

Emma could hear they had got the key into the lock. It wouldn't take long for them to open the door now. The door handle twisted down and halted at the chair. She heard them mention taking the door off of its hinges. That would take about 2 minutes, it was a specially made door for psychiatric hospitals that you could just pull off the hinges without tools.

She walked towards the mess of broken china and knelt in front of it.

She reached out for one of the sharpest parts and rolled her sleeve up. She pressed the sharp edge onto her wrist just above a light pink scar running from one side to the other. She pulled slowly downwards through the older scar and down further until the door was kicked open. The blonde didn't move as the nurses rushed around. August was calling Dr Whale. Neal was applying pressure to the bleeding wound. Milah was cleaning up the China including the blood covered piece that Emma had dropped wearing latex gloves.

The blonde sat on her knees sobbing uncontrollably until Dr Whale arrived with an injection and a weaker version of the drug in a pill which he made sure to bring so Regina wouldn't kill him for not trying to calm the girl down before injection. But offering the pill to Emma didn't work and neither did talking to her. So her jeans were pulled down an inch or two and Whale injected her with the medication.


When Emma woke up it was around 9pm so the night shift had started. She rolled herself over in bed feeling the bruise on her lower back where she was injected. Marian was sitting next to her watching her closely.

"how are you feeling?" she asked quietly.

"tired" Emma answered honestly. "what time is it?"

"it's just after 9"

"oh" she had hoped Regina would be on her one to one when the night shift started.

"how is your wrist feeling?" Marian was looking at her like a lost child.

Emma lifted her arm and saw the thick bandage around it.

"I can't feel any pain, so fine I guess" Emma shrugged picking at the bandage as it frayed.

"It was glued so you can't get it wet for a few days but I think Dr Whale will be coming to explain all of that to you tomorrow morning." Marian wrote on the observation sheet "in bed, awake"

"Is Regina working tonight?" Emma found herself asking even though she knew the answer.

"yes, she had some notes to write up but I think she is rostered to be with you in about an hour"

"ok" Emma smiled internally and slowly climbed out of bed making sure she felt steady enough before she moved into the bathroom. She picked up her toothbrush remembering the note that was left for her that morning with a slight smile that left when she remembered the days events.

The hour before Regina arrived felt like the longest hour of Emma's life. She sat on indian style on her bed pulling at the fabric of her comforter listening to Marian tell her a story about an old patient that got better. The nurses liked to tell their success stories as if they thought it helped. It never did. After the day she had had all she wanted to do was see the beautiful brunette.

When Regina finally walked in she smiled at Marian and took the clipboard off of her. She waited until she heard the door close behind her and she rushed towards Emma wrapping her arms around her and holding her close.

"I am so sorry your day has been so awful my angel, it's all okay now. I'm here"