Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.
Author's Note: Thank you for reading and commenting.
Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 2 of 4
The cool night air hit us like a blast, cleansing us from both the day and the mess we were trying to leave behind. Derek and I made the short jaunt to my truck. I felt good, and nervous, but good and I could only imagine the range of emotions Derek might be feeling.
I unlocked the passenger door and Derek just stood there for a beat, his bright eyes bore into mine. I entered his personal space and he pulled me to him, he felt warm and I felt safe and finally home. He took a deep breath, his nose in my hair and I felt the heat from his body fan my neck and shoulders when he finally exhaled. I shivered involuntarily and Derek squeezed me in response, I hugged him even tighter, my hands low on his waist at the small of his back. I turned my head and listened to his wild heart beat on and on and on.
We just stood there for a long moment, interlocked, tangled up in our embrace, our precious chain intact, frozen in time. And if I had a choice, I would have stayed in this very spot and in this very moment of my life … forever.
Derek pulled back and without a word, his eyes scanned mine and he turned and slipped inside the truck with a smile. I walked around to the driver's side and got in. I looked at Derek for a second and he sighed as I started the truck and pulled out of the parking lot onto the main street. The cooler air felt good – great even – it made me feel refreshed or alive, just the way my skin and lungs reacted to it, it felt like I hadn't been outside in months. It always seemed that way though, after a long day of breathing recycled, stale, clinical air, it was always refreshing to get outdoors and take that first big gulp of the fresh stuff.
"I don't even know what to say Meredith," he sighed quietly and shook his head in disbelief or relief, I'm not sure which.
He knew it was coming – that Addison would leave Seattle – so did I of course, but her action really put things into perspective, for the both of us. He reached over and took my right hand from the steering wheel and laced his fingers through mine. His touch was warm and inviting. He held on tight as if his life depended on it, because our touch … our connection … well, sometimes it was all we needed.
"Derek," I said, keeping my eyes trained on the road ahead. "Your marriage is over, or ending, which you knew was gonna happen, but how do you feel with the reality of it all?" I asked evenly, without judgment and without fear of what he might reveal.
"It's …over, wow," he sighed with a chuckle. "I feel relieved, my mother is going to flip," he snorted in mock-horror as he held my hand; he looked straight ahead, his eyes shielded by the dim light inside the cab.
"I used to feel sick by all that had happened to end it. I felt exploited, discarded, abandoned, cheated, raped, abused, you name it … and now … now, after all that," he laughed lightly. "I just feel like someone took the weight of the world off my shoulders," he said and I believed him, for I could see relief cover him like a blanket as he shook his head. I could see his whole body relax, finally letting go of that fighter-defensive stance he had adopted over the last few months.
"Really, I never realized the pressure of it all, or I did, I just hid in the OR, I just worked around it – kind of like I shamelessly tried to work around my feelings for you – like I had been this weight bearing wall in a delicate house of cards," he paused and looked in my direction. "And now, the cards are falling down – they're weightless – they don't matter, they are falling all around me, light as snow and I don't care about those cards, I feel relief to let them fall to the ground and be forgotten … I feel consumed, full, satiated by relief, does any of this make any sense?" he asked breathlessly.
"Yes, I think I feel it too," I smiled and gave him a sidelong glance. "Is it wrong to say, I feel happy for you, or maybe I just feel the relief – because another person's sorrow shouldn't make me feel happy – so relief, yeah, I feel it," I squeezed his hand and saw him look to me. His eyes were shining with emotion.
"Do you think she'll be alright, I mean I know she brought this on herself, but still, do you think Addison will … recover?" I asked hesitantly.
I could tell Derek was looking at me, waiting for me to turn to him. Albeit the now dark hour, I could see his eyes scan my face via my peripheral vision. I could tell he was making sure I was okay, which was too much because I wasn't the one who lost eleven years … he was … she was… they were.
I could tell he didn't know how to answer my question, the paradox of guilt laced with relief was creeping in and I knew it would consume me before too long. Now that Addison was leaving, we had much more to lose; the idea of a relationship with Derek wasn't just a beautiful ideaanymore, and that scared the hell out of me. I pulled into the liquor store parking lot so Derek could run in and get a bottle of wine. He sighed as he unfastened his seatbelt and turned towards me, his worried face suddenly illuminated by the store's neon lights.
"Meredith, look at me, please," he pleaded softly and I obliged. He looked worn, but there was that glimmer in his blue eyes too, the one that had long since disappeared, the glimmer of hope he always seemed to have when we first met, the glimmer I always thought was meant for my eyes only … maybe it was after all.
"The answer is, I'm not sure, but I do know Addison and she's a strong woman. She'll come out on top," we chuckled in unison at his choice of words. "She'll be fine and none of that, what she has to overcome, has anything to do with you – you did not cause her plight – you know that, so stop beating yourself up about it," he smiled and squeezed my hand. I could see a set of small tears threatening to pop out of his eyes – his burgeoning recognition of his own mistakes threatening to resurface – he blinked them away before they had a chance.
"I'll be back with a bottle or two in a minute," he said softly. He took my hand up to his mouth and kissed the top, his kiss was like magic. "It's all going to be alright, you're going to be fine, we'll be fine," he said just above a whisper and then got out of the truck. He shut the door and a gust of the cool night air filled the small area again.
This could be disastrous, I just had to be careful not to let it get out of hand, I would tell him, remind him again, nothing porny until he was officially divorced. My mother's struggle was fresh in my mind; she couldn't wait until she was free before cheating on my father. I just needed Derek to be free –I needed his conscience to be clear – thereby clearing my own. I should tell him about my mother, state my case, and I needed to do it soon.
Suddenly, I felt entirely too overwhelmed again, just like at the park the other day, the unwavering doubt began to creep in compounding this weighted down feeling. This was wrong, so wrong on so many levels. We have to wait for the timing to be right – relief didn't translate into a green light to be reckless – the timing needed to be perfect because second chances can't get screwed up! Who knew what came after second chances? We needed this to work this time, we needed to have patience.
My chest heaved at this collection of thoughts and my heart pounded into my eardrums, whump, whump, whump …
… relentlessly pumping my blood
… relentlessly elevating my blood pressure
… relentlessly giving up on me
I rolled the window down halfway. I felt sweaty and ick, like no amount of fresh air would stabilize my body. I closed my eyes and let my nerve-endings collapse, just let all the pain and worry cover me like a heavy wet blanket. I sat for a minute longer, intensely focusing on my breathing and heart rhythm as it slowed down, down, down, just waiting for Derek to come back, to come and rescue me from myself … which sounds pathetic, I know, but I needed him, I needed him to know and understand my fears.
After several minutes, I opened my eyes. I could see Derek smiling at the cashier, a man, they shared a joke and both of them looked totally fine, gleeful even as I sat here alone, a sweaty mess. My calming rhythm was interrupted by the shrieking of my cell phone, and I jumped in response. I fished it out of my jacket pocket: Cristina. Shit. Dread filled my heart on entirely new level, she was gonna freak.
"Cristina," I said hastily.
"Are you having sex?' she asked candidly, but without judgment. How did she do that?
"No, what happened with the scrub cap thing?" I asked trying to change the subject.
"I gave it to him, okay, call me weak, but I did tell him he doesn't need it, I mean seriously Meredith, the guy is Preston Fucking Burke, no lucky scrub cap made him the surgeon or man his is – I mean it's not like he lost the use of his famous hands or something – it's just a scrub cap, he doesn't need it, am I right?" she hissed incredulously.
"You're right, but you're … you're always right," I said evenly as I spotted Derek walking towards the truck. I noticed it had started to drizzle. The mist illuminated his figure and blurred his edges and he kind of looked like he was just a figment in one of my dreams.
"What are you up to? You never agree that easily, now back to my question, are you having sex or planning to have sex tonight? Because I heard this rumor that Addison is on her way out of town, so don't do anything stupid, got it?" she ordered.
Derek opened the truck door and got in, I mouthed to him that Cristina was on the phone. "I'm with Derek," I held the phone away from my ear, Derek and I smiled as her hissing voice came through the line. "We're just hanging out," I said back into the phone. "We are going to have some wine and talk, just talking – no porny stuff – I promise," I smiled and Derek's handsome face was amused.
"Yeah, well, just get that in writing from him," she said as she disconnected the line. I snapped the phone shut and Derek looked at me expectantly.
"She wants it in writing that we won't do any porny stuff," I teased.
"No way I'm agreeing to that," he said with a wide grin.
"Me either," I smiled and started the truck. "Looks like we should change our plans," I motioned to the rain. "And if it's okay with you, can we just go to my house? I can't – I can't go to the trailer with you yet – I need to be on my own turf for this for a while."
"You lead, I'll follow, whatever you're comfortable with, I bought two bottles of wine," he smiled devilishly and my heart pounded into my chest in response.
"Really, are you gonna try to get me drunk and take advantage of me?" I teased.
"Normally, I would say yes, but nothing about this is normal, so no, I just want to be with you, you know, talk and be near you, proximity has evaded us for far too long."
"Agreed," I said as I turned the truck out of the lot and made my way to my house. And as I drove my dreams continued to mingle with my reality, flirting, fusing, merging, becoming dangerously close to being one in the same, and for once, this seemed like a good thing.
Chapter 6 – Fear – Part 3 of 4 to follow.
