Dear Diary,
Now I know why Miku didn't accept my gift. Oh God, am I so terrible that I remind her of her father? I need more help than I thought.
She asked me why I didn't want her to be near Neru. No, seriously, she's that oblivious. Anyway, I told her that Neru has a crush on her, and I was almost overwhelmed by how cute Miku looked when her eyes widened.
She asked me how that can be and how I know, so I told her that Neru looks at her like a child experiencing their first love. Maybe Miku is Neru's first love. That would explain why she hasn't admitted it yet.
Anyway, Miku told me that she wants to come out. I asked her if she's sure, and she nodded with a smile. I'm not sure if I'm ready to come out myself. I mean, I know that a lot of students already know about my relationship with Miku, but I just can't see myself saying it out loud.
Maybe I'm being selfish. After all, Miku admitted about her relationship with me to her own mother. I did too, but I didn't go through what Miku did.
Miku gave me a kiss on the cheek. Is it selfish of me to want more from her? Ugh. I'm so messed up. Now I'm even beginning to want… no, I'm not going to say it. What would Mum do if she found and read this diary?
Fine, I want… ugh. I guess I am practically a grownup already, and adults have needs. But at the same time I don't want to ruin Milku's innocence, if that makes sense. I don't know what to do.
Oh, I forgot to tell you that I started talking about things with Kaiko. I think I'm actually starting to fix my anger management issues. I'm glad I haven't physically lashed out at Miku. Yet.
Ugh. I need to stop being so down on myself. I would never hurt Miku like that, even if I was angry. Miku's such a precious little flower that if anyone dared to hurt her, I don't know what I'd do. Okay, I need to calm down. No one's hurt Miku.
I sometimes worry that our relationship is twisted, and that the twistedness is all my fault. I want to make Miku happy but sometimes I don't know how. Damn it. Well, she did say that she wants to go on a date with me to the movies, so maybe I could pay for her tickets and food as well as mine.
Then again, she told me that I don't need to buy her love. That was nice, I guess, but now I don't know what to do to make her fully forgive me. She said that she's forgiven me, but I don't buy it. I mean, who would forgive me so easily after I was the most horrible girlfriend in history?
Damn it, I need to stop insulting myself. Oh, and I really should stop saying "damn it", but I think saying it might be one of the reasons I've managed to calm down whenever I've gotten angry.
Before going to bed Miku and I enjoyed a movie. We even ate popcorn. I can't really remember what the movie was about since all I could do was think about how close I was to Miku. Wow, that sounded pathetic. Anyway, Miku gave me a short but sweet kiss on the lips before going to her room. I remember how soft her lips were.
One thing worried me, though. You see, when Miku said goodnight to me, she gave me a sad smile for some reason. Why? Doesn't she want to be with me anymore? Okay, that probably isn't it.
Oh God, maybe her mind is plagued with thoughts of her Dad or something. Tomorrow I'll ask her if she needs any professional help. I just know that asking her that will be the most embarrassing thing I've ever done, but I also know that it's the right thing to do, whether Miku realises it or not. I just hope that she won't think I'm being rude.
Anyway, I wonder how Neru will react to Miku and I being open about our relationship. Heh, she'll probably go home crying and write about it in her diary. Wait…Is it wrong of me to want that?
Okay, Luka, enough with the jealousy. Miku's with you and nobody else. Why do I need to keep reminding myself that? I need to get rid of all this negativity.
I asked Kaiko how to stop being so negative and she gave me a piece of paper. She told me to write down all of my skills, achievements and good traits. I don't know where I put that piece of paper but I guess I can write about my good points in here.
Okay, um, I guess I'm kinda smart. Kinda. I have pretty good grades and in some subjects I'm at the top of my class.
What else? Well, Miku told me that I sing well. I'm glad that she's taken the time to listen to me during Music class. She said that I have good tone, whatever that means.
Ugh, this is so hard. I've been thinking about what else to write for five minutes. Oh, I know! I'm cute, apparently. I've just realised that any shred of confidence I do have can be attributed to Miku. Thanks, Miku. You're really too kind. Really, if you don't stop being kind to me my head will get so big that it'll take up the entire room.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm caring and protective. I'm sure Miku can vouch for that, for better or for worse. I guess it was pretty brave of me to come out to Mum, even if she accepted me straight away. I mean, how was I supposed to know how she'd react?
Okay, I think that's enough of an ego boost. I can't wait to go on a date with Miku and, even though I'm extremely nervous about it, I can't wait to come out to my class too.
Yours sincerely,
Luka
