Betsu No Ai oKeiken Suru Monogatari

Shinobu Monogatari 4

(2010)

Destiny has a funny way of playing with the heart and with the mind. Many people don't believe in destiny while others spend their whole lives believing such an occurrence exists. Others believe a person has to make his or her own destiny. One cannot have a destiny if one does not create it within themselves. It's almost like little hints are scattered throughout life pointing the direction and only those who are looking find them.

These little hints can come in the form of subconscious thought as well. If one's destiny is already known then other things in the person's life can take on that physique. The mind is a mysterious thing that likes to play tricks on those who are not watching. One has to wonder which tricks are being played and what is actually destiny.

Shinobu was having a flashback. It wasn't a very good flashback either. The content of said flashback had left the boy extremely jaded and thus caused him to return to Japan at his earliest possible convenience. He wondered if it was because of something he had done. Was it his fault Alan had betrayed him after a year of being together?

It was his day off and Shinobu was ready to return from work to see Alan. His senior had become an integral part of his life. Yes, there was the sex and it was good. But there was also the trust the two had built up with one another. Alan didn't want to tell the world he was gay and Shinobu didn't want to upset Alan, so their trysts tended to be secret. Such a secret tryst had been planned and Shinobu was going to cash it in.

He opened the door to Alan's apartment with the key left over the door. Alan wasn't supposed to be home for another hour, so Shinobu was going to shower and get himself comfortable. Shinobu was so wrapped up in thought he hadn't heard the noises coming from the bedroom.

When he opened the door he didn't know how to react. There was Alan, on the bed, with a girl and a boy. The man was having a threesome and he hadn't been invited.

Not knowing how to respond Shinobu turned and walked out of the apartment. He didn't even hear the other calling for him until he had walked across the street. Shinobu took one last look at Alan, wearing only boxer shorts, and walked down the street without a second glance.

That was how Shinobu found himself sitting in his father's study, brooding and ready to strangle anyone who dared bring up his past. The boy didn't want to do anything anymore except sit in his room and read a book. His family couldn't get it through their thick skulls that he needed peace and kept pestering him to move on. Shinobu knew that if he had been more open about what had happened then they probably would have left him alone. The problem with that can of worms was he'd then be required to explain how long he'd been sexually active for and he wasn't in the mood for that discussion, with anyone.

"Shinobu," his father began after coming into the study, followed closely behind by his sister. "I wish to talk with you about some things regarding your return to Japan."

"Fine." Shinobu said, using the customary one word sentence he had gotten used to saying whenever being told something as of late.

"I am worried about you, so are your mother and sister."

"And?"

"And I want you to take a break from us. Obviously you need to be somewhere else and relax for a time. I don't know what happened to cause you to run back here like a dog with your tail between your legs, but you are scaring your mother and I don't like to see her like this."

Shinobu had been expecting something like this. The old man's way of telling him to go back to Australia and sort out his issues.

"I have asked Yoh Miyagi if you can rent his second bedroom for the time being and try to forget about your problems."

This was unexpected. Shinobu had been sure his father was going to ship him off to Australia again, not send him to his ex-brother-in-law. He didn't much care for the bastard, but that meant he would more than likely be left alone while over there.

"Fine." He said as he stood up to leave.

"Shinobu."

He looked at his father with hollow eyes.

"When you feel like talking we are here for you."

The boy left his father's study and went to pack a bag. If he was going to have to live with Miyagi he would need some clothes.

/GG/

Shinobu didn't like this new arrangement. The apartment was too cramped and while he had his own room, he now had to share a bathroom. Miyagi had been nice enough to give him an actual bed and not a futon, but he didn't like the idea of not being able to bathe for an hour without worrying about the older man walking into the bathroom on him.

He decided to put up with it though because that meant he didn't have to put up with his parents. In his mind Miyagi was the lesser of two evils. Besides, he was almost 100% certain his sister wouldn't bother coming to her ex's house, so he would be free from having to see her or the new guy she was seeing.

Unpacking didn't exactly take much time, so after he finished he found there was quite a bit of free time. He decided to explore the rest of the apartment. That wouldn't take long, but at least he wouldn't have to be bored.

The boy walked out of his room and into the common room. Miyagi was sitting on the sofa, grading papers, and smoking a cigarette.

"Hey old man, it may be alright to kill your lungs as your age, but you shouldn't smoke around someone my age. I have many more years to live than you." Shinobu deadpanned.

"It's my apartment, if you don't like it then go back into your room." The older man stated without even looking up.

"You're the one who decided to let me stay here as a guest, the least you could do is be hospitable." He went into the kitchen in search of food.

"I didn't actually want a brat here. I only agreed because I respect the dean and he said you wanted some time away. I want you here less than you want to be here."

These words actually made Shinobu feel bad for a fraction of a second. Then he decided it was useless talking to the man; he was like a brick wall. Instead he decided to cook something. He looked through the refrigerator and his eyes landed on a small head of cabbage. For some strange reason he had been craving the stuff for over a year. At least Miyagi was eating healthy.

Shinobu pulled out a skillet and some cooking sherry. If he was going to do this he was going to do it right. Of course he wasn't quite sure how to do what he wanted to do, but he could at least try. He chopped up the cabbage head rather quickly and then started to fry it in the skillet. A drop of cooking sherry was all he needed, but he ended emptying the bottle, which caused a small fire, which burned a hole into the ceiling. This, of course, caused Miyagi to freak out and douse the fire with water from the tap.

"What in the hell are you trying to do brat? Do you want to burn the place down?"

"Like you care." Shinobu snarled as he went to his room and locked the door.

"Hey, Shinobu!" He could hear Miyagi call for him but he just ignored the man. Dealing with him now was not on his mind.

/GG/

The days slowly turned into weeks and during that time he was relentless in his dealings with the old man. He just didn't care anymore and Miyagi was getting on his nerves. The man kept pestering him to find out what was going on in Shinobu's head. The youth, for his part, didn't want to have anything to do with the elder. He had no problems pointing that out on more than one occasion. Still, Miyagi tried. Even Shinobu could see the old man was trying his hardest to get Shinobu to open up. That wasn't going to work. He wasn't about to fall for the charms of another man (or woman) ever again. All he wanted to do was get through the next little bit so he could go to school and forget about life again for a while.

On a not-so-typical morning Shinobu woke to find Miyagi had laid out a western style breakfast, one he had gotten used to while in Australia. There were scrambled eggs, bacon strips, hash browns, toast, coffee, milk, and juice. Had Shinobu not been against the world at that moment he would have found the site sweet in many ways.

"You are free to sit down and eat." Miyagi said absentmindedly from behind his newspaper. "I thought it may make you feel better to eat some of the foods you've been eating for the past five years."

"You actually remember when I left for Australia?" Shinobu scoffed as he took a bite of eggs.

"Of course I remember. I may not have been the most observant person, I have my reasons, but I did remember my little brother being sent off to a boarding school." Miyagi didn't lower his paper.

At being called little brother and not brother-in-law Shinobu's heart skipped a beat. Was this man actually trying to be nice or was that the way he was all the time? Shinobu couldn't remember much about the man except that he didn't really care for him. Or was it something else, he didn't know.

Shinobu watched the old man while eating his breakfast silently. After the lack of noise became deafening he spoke up. "Are you not going to eat, old man?"

"I already ate this morning Shinobu-chin. I was waiting for you." This time Miyagi did lower the paper and Shinobu was able to see the concern in the man's eyes. It wasn't like the 'I'm concerned, but I can't deal with it' attitude his father and sister both showed. No, this was true concern and for a moment Shinobu felt bad about terrorizing the man for a month.

"Why do you even care?" He snapped, so much for feeling remorseful.

"It may not look like it to a spoiled little brat Shinobu, but I, as a man, have probably been through whatever you are going through too. I care because I am your big brother. Even though Risako and I are no longer married that doesn't mean that I can't care for my little brother."

The boy eyed the man with all the trepidation in the world. Who did he think he was spouting off such rubbish? There was no way this man knew what it was like to find someone he cared about locked in the embrace of another…

Wait!

Had Miyagi walked in on Risako having sex with her boyfriend? Maybe what the man said had some merit. For the first time in a while Shinobu actually felt as if there was just one other person in the world who might know how he felt.

"When my sister cheated on you, did you walk in on them in the act?" There was no filter on his mouth at the moment.

"What kind of question is that?" Miyagi raised his eye brows in curiosity.

"It's just a question I want to know the answer to. I wasn't happy when I found out Risako had cheated on you and it's been bothering me for quite some time." Shinobu spoke half the truth. He had been curious, but now that he had been through the exact same thing he wanted to know if Miyagi truly felt as he did.

"That's not really a proper question to be asking, Shinobu." Miyagi replied.

"I know that, but I need to know…did you see it?" He lowered his eyes slightly and didn't look at the man for fear of said man seeing right through his question.

Miyagi sighed and put his paper completely on the table. "If it's that important to you Shinobu, then I will answer. I don't want you to harbor any ill feelings against your sister though."

"It's too late not to be harboring feelings for her old man, just answer the question."

"Yes, Shinobu. I did walk in on Risako having adult relations with another man."

Deep down Shinobu had hoped Miyagi hadn't seen such acts taking place. Call it what you will, but after going through it himself he didn't want anyone to see what he had. Those feelings of remorse started to trickle into his bloodstream again.

"I'm sorry you had to see something like that, Miyagi. I don't think it would have been a pleasant experience."

He couldn't sit with the man anymore; he couldn't look at the man knowing that deep down both knew the same pain as one another. For Miyagi it was probably even worse because he had been married. Shinobu and Alan were just… What exactly were they to one another? It had been a spoken agreement to remain clean of others to avoid any STDs. Did that make them lovers, boyfriends, or were they just taking advantage of what was available.

Shinobu stood up and cleaned his plate at the sink. He could feel tears in his eyes that were threatening to spill over. If he wanted to save face he needed to leave the house for a time. That was the only way Miyagi wasn't going to see how much Shinobu hated the world at that moment. He hated his sister for doing that to Miyagi. He hated Miyagi for having been through the same thing he had. He hated Alan for breaking his promise. What's more, he hated himself for hating everyone.

/GG/

Shinobu had returned to the apartment sometime after nightfall. It was quiet and he suspected Miyagi had gone to bed. That was all the better because Shinobu didn't want to deal with the man. After he left Shinobu had thought about his demons and tried in vain to get rid of them. It didn't happen though and he didn't understand why.

Slowly he slid under the covers of his bed and let the blankets envelop him in a warm embrace. Lorelei had embraced him and it felt warm. Alan had too, but his embrace had been different. It occurred to Shinobu in that moment that while both embraces were nice he hadn't felt safe in either one. He felt safer being wrapped up on the blanket rather than being hugged by the people.

With this thought the boy fell into a fitful sleep. He could feel himself tossing and turning because his dreams were tossing and turning as well. Eventually he started calling out, though he didn't completely realize it at the time. That was when he felt the bed move slightly and arms pin him to the mattress.

"Shinobu!" Someone all but cried out as the youth flailed around in his sleep.

The boy woke up to who he thought was Alan trying to get him to speak with him. His brain was playing tricks on him. Fuck if he was going to allow Alan to weasel his way back into his life.

"No!" Shinobu shouted as he tried to wrench himself free. "I don't want to see you again after the shit you pulled."

"Shinobu, who did what to you?" The person asked in a desperate tone.

"Like you don't know you fucking jackass! How did you not think that wouldn't hurt me?" Tears started streaming down Shinobu's face as he continued to pull away.

"Shinobu, I don't know who you think I am, but I am not the one who hurt you." Hands grabbed Shinobu's face and held it tightly. "Open your eyes Shinobu and see who I am."

The boy shook his head. He wasn't about to look at Alan again unless he absolutely had to; he couldn't see that person or he would be reminded of him being sandwiched between two other people.

"Shinobu, look at me."

The voice was starting to change, become deeper and with feeling.

"I am not going to hurt you. Tell me what happened to make you so angry." Shinobu started to find the voice soothing.

"Talk to me or your anger will never go away."

At this Shinobu opened his eyes and saw that he was looking at Miyagi, not Alan. This wasn't a man who had ever hurt him in his life and who put up with Shinobu acting like the biggest asshole in the world. Miyagi was looking at him with concern in his eyes.

"Why!" Shinobu cried out. He couldn't continue speaking. Not right then, all he wanted to do was forget.

"It will be alright Shinobu-chin. I am not going to hurt you."

Shinobu felt himself being pulled toward the older man and embraced. He felt safe and warm in those arms, almost like they fit around his body perfectly. After what he had invested in his relationship, only to be thrown away like he was nothing, all Shinobu wanted was to feel like he could still be cared for…loved. For the first time in months Shinobu fell asleep and didn't have his reoccurring dream about Alan, or have the feeling that he wasn't worth anything.