BAU life
"Spencer, what are you still doing here?"Hotch said in surprise when he saw Spencer still sitting in the bullpen as he exited his office, finally done with the revised budget for Strauss. "It is rather late to still be working when we are on cold cases this week."
"I know, but I was getting into the zone and didn't want to break it. Besides, I wanted to wait until the rush calmed down before making my way to the VRE. Even though I don't need the cane any longer, I'm not back to 100% and don't like fighting the crowds," he answered after closing the file he was working on.
"And what you aren't saying is that your car isn't working again. Come on, let's grab dinner and I'll drive you home."
"Hotch, you don't need to do that. It is late enough now that the VRE shouldn't be too crowded. Besides, I have food at home for dinner because without traveling lately I've actually been able to stock my refrigerator and pantry adequately!" Spencer argued.
"No, I'm driving you home. Just because it shouldn't be too crowded doesn't mean that it won't still be hard to navigate if your knee starts to hurt. Let's go and while we are heading to the car, you can tell me what you are in the mood to eat," Hotch said as he switched off the small desk lamp and waited patiently.
Spencer grudgingly packed up a few files and other items he was taking home before looking up, "Fine, I'm ready. Let's go. Oh, and Thai. I am in the mood for Thai."
"Thai sounds great," Aaron said as he placed his hand on Spencer's lower back to usher him towards the elevators. As he did so, he could feel Spencer shiver at the touch. When he looked over to make sure that he hadn't hurt the younger man, Aaron could see that there was a faint hint of pink starting to tinge Spencer's cheeks. "How are you doing? Is something bothering you?"
Realizing that Aaron had felt the shiver, he quickly responded. "No, no, everything is fine. I'm good right now," saying that, he stepped a bit closer to Aaron and leaned into the touch, forcing Aaron's hand to slide from the lower back to wrap around his waist and rest his hand on Spencer's hip, " really good actually." The two men walked the rest of the way to Aaron's car like that, both grateful that it was late enough that no one else was around.
When they reached the car they split apart, reluctantly, and both got into the vehicle. The drive to the Thai restaurant was done in comfortable silence. While making their way through the doorway, Spencer started to trip and was saved from a rather ungainly fall by Aaron's hand on his elbow. The hand didn't leave his arm immediately but rather slid down until their fingers could intertwine. Aaron shot him a rather nervous look as their hands joined together. Spencer's returning grin had Aaron's face breaking out into a smile that took away Spencer's breath. The two were standing there looking at each other and smiling as though they were the only ones left in the world when the hostess cleared her throat.
Aaron recovered first and quickly requested a table for two. The hostess led them to a back corner that was somehow more romantic than it should have been given the small size of the venue in a strip mall. Once seated and with their beverages ordered, the two sat at the table, suddenly awkward despite the earlier intimacy. Spencer couldn't take it anymore, "What is this? What's going on between us?"
Spencer's blunt questions startled Aaron. He opened his mouth to respond but then closed it when he realized that he didn't have an immediate answer. He looked at Spencer for a few moments, how his cheeks were flushed, his eyes wide with hope and fear, his body tense as though fighting the urge to flee from Aaron's response. "Reid, Spencer, I don't know. I don't know what it is that we have right now but I have ideas on what I want. What do you think is going on?"
"Well, I think what has been happening is that we have both been too afraid to admit that there is some level of attraction between the two of us. I know that I find you attractive and would not be averse to exploring certain options with you outside of our professional relationship," Spencer noticed that as he was saying this, Aaron had started to relax and smile in agreement. Before Aaron could interrupt, he continued. " However, before we explore anything beyond the status quo, we both need to be reminded of what any changes mean, especially for me. I know it has been a few years since you were a practicing attorney and likely didn't spend a lot of time involved in any sort of cases involving the US military, but since February of 1994 the policy of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' has been in effect. That means that if there is credible proof of any sort of homosexual acts on my behalf, I could be discharged from the Navy Reserve. Likewise, even though there is not currently an explicit policy stating that homosexuals are not allowed to serve in the FBI, we both know that for the most part that homophobia runs rampant in the Bureau. Setting aside the issues relating to a homosexual relationship, you are my boss. If we were to enter into any sort of relationship, whether romantic or not, it could result in one or both of us being transferred or let go. Personally, I do not want to lose my job or be discharged from the Navy, especially if this is some sort of rebound for you. I have worked too hard for both of these positions. You have not only yourself but Jack to consider as well. You cannot afford to have your career terminated at this point. Bottom line, we have worked too hard to get where we are and shouldn't do anything to jeopardize our futures. If it means stopping now and walking away from each other outside of work, fine. If it means discussing this as adults to come up with a plan to handle the complications, fine. Discussing this now means that we can walk away from whatever this is before it gets bigger." Finishing his thoughts, Spencer slumped back into his seat, nervous about how Aaron would react. He had been harsh, but honest. There was too much on the line for both of them to go into this with their eyes closed. They both needed to be aware of at a minimum, the obvious consequences.
The silence from the man across the table had Spencer wanting very badly to fidget. He couldn't think of anything additional to say without knowing what Aaron's reaction was going to be. Aaron wasn't helping his anxiety at the moment. His previously open and expressive face had closed off into the mask of Hotch. He would be a fantastic poker player, Spencer mused. He knew what he wanted from this evening, this conversation. He just didn't know how to let Aaron know that he desperately wanted to try for something more. He didn't know how to tell Aaron that he knew that it was going to be incredibly difficult, how secret the relationship would need to be. As it was, Spencer was already worrying about having been found out despite there being nothing to find out. Their actions leaving the office and even upon entering the restaurant were unduly familiar should any surveillance footage be found. All he could do was wait for Aaron to make the next move.
After what felt like a lifetime to Spencer, Aaron took a sip of his water and finally responded. "Spencer, it is obvious that you have put a lot of thought into what it would mean to enter into a relationship with me. You have mentioned the consequences that we would both suffer from having this become public knowledge. You have discussed the issues that you see as pertinent to the discussion, namely all the aspects that could go wrong. What you have failed to discuss, Dr. is the other side of the argument. What if things go well? What are the benefits to changing the status quo? You are also approaching this as though I have not given the situation the same due consideration," he paused for a moment to drink in the sight of Spencer sitting up straighter in his seat. The eyes which had gone dull with the thought of inevitable rejection during his speech, had started to regain a glimmer of hope. Aaron was having a hard time keeping a tight leash on the excitement that he was feeling at the moment too. His heart was beating quickly in his chest and his palms were sweaty while the butterflies in his stomach reminded him of how he felt every time he saw the young Dr. Reid. "I have given it consideration and would like to discuss certain points that you made. First, I am aware of the 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy referenced as well as the bigotry towards homosexuals in our current career field. That said, I am also able to be quite discreet when necessary and do not feel the need to flaunt much, including my relationships. While complete secrecy is not the idea situation at this time it is an understood and accept side effect of altering our current status. Second, you mention a change in career and possible limitations on future progression. You for one are a genius who is being courted by many organizations, government and civilian alike. Many of those civilian job opportunities could care less about or sexual orientation. While they may not be profiling for the BAU, your future would not suffer greatly should we be let go. As it stands, as your superior, I would likely be let go as having abused the power of my position and you would remain in place with, perhaps, a reprimand that would not do much to limit you in the FBI. In the event that I was let go, I have maintained my credentials and would be able to enter into private practice with little fanfare or issue. Do not concern yourself with the future when we are working on understanding the present. Finally, I do not want to walk away from this."
The smile that met his final point was absolutely and utterly breathtaking. Aaron was smiling with similar happiness but knew that he could never match the stunning vision before him.
Spencer knew that he was grinning like a mad man but he couldn't help himself. The quiet, shy happiness that he could see reflected in Aaron's face was enough to offset any embarrassment he might have felt. He reached across the table and gently took Aaron's hand in his own. "Then we are agreed? We are doing this?"
Aaron interlaced his fingers with Spencer's, "We are."
Battalion Life
"Lieutenant Reid! Lieutenant Carlisle! Are you gentlemen busy this afternoon?" The panicked voice cut into the conversation of the two men.
Looking up from where Adam was working with Spencer on completing his Seabee Combat Warfare PQS books, they were greeted with the sight of a very frazzled Lieutenant who looked vaguely familiar. Adam spoke up first, "Can we help you, LT?"
"Yes, I recently came on board as the NOSC legal officer. We are doing a couple of Administrative Separation boards this drill weekend. When we went to start the board this morning we found out that one of the members had served with the respondent and another was found unsuitable for other reasons. I need two officers to sit this board, now. There aren't many units drilling at the NOSC this weekend though and everyone is busy," She said as she sat down in a chair across from the men. "Would you two be able to sit the board? It isn't difficult but does require you to be impartial. Please?"
Her look of desperation was enough to convince both of them, independently, that they would help her if they could. "We aren't doing anything that can't be finished later. What do we need to do?" Spencer said on behalf of both of them.
"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Just grab your stuff because this will likely take a while. I need to go rewrite the convening order and then you will meet with CDR Whitsell who is the senior board member. He will be leading the board, there will be a script for you to follow, and it is pretty straightforward as to what you need to do. Listen to everything, read everything, and then deliberate. The JAGs are used to members not having experience and will walk you through anything and answer questions if you have any during the proceedings. In some ways, these are rather informal because they are administrative only and not judicial or punitive." By this point she was practically vibrating with excitement over finding officers to sit the board. "I'm going to go and get started on the changes I need to make to the paperwork. Just go ahead to the command conference room, everyone else is set up there." With that she was out the door, leaving Adam and Spencer to pack up and make their way to the proceedings.
"Have you ever done one of these?" Spencer asked as he put the last of his paperwork into his black the annoyance at his usual brown messenger bag not being acceptable for use in uniform, he focused on his friend's answer.
"Nope. I have heard about them and sent sailors to them for various reasons while I was the Officer in Charge of the detachment back in the day. No real reason to have anything to do with them since then though."
"This should be interesting."
BT
Spencer sat there in silence. The board and its procedures were straightforward enough, it all seemed rather cut and dried. The sailor had a positive urinalysis for cocaine, marijuana, methamphetamine, and hydromorphone. Honestly, Spencer was more surprised that the sailor was sitting in front of him given the drug cocktail he would have needed to have taken in order to achieve the metabolized levels present in the government's binder of evidence. There didn't appear to be any kind of extenuating circumstances that would justify the drug usage and given the drugs taken, just having possession should be enough to get this sailor arrested on drug charges. Just as Spencer was contemplating what his responsibility was as a federal officer, he was brought back to the matter at hand.
"We would like to call the Respondent for questioning," the counsel stated, the government having rested its case. The respondent was surprising in how normal he looked. He appeared like a squared away sailor, contrite for his misconduct. Once he started speaking though, his entire demeanor changed. He went from being sorry for his actions to looking almost wistful at the memories.
"Well, it hurt. Everything that I had been going through was just painful. My heart was breaking and I couldn't handle the pain. I took the Dilaudid to numb the pain. Then, I realized how amazing it made me feel. It was freeing. I just wanted the pain to stop and the drugs took away the pain. The other stuff? I didn't even know I was doing it. I, I was so focused on shooting up with the dilaudid that..."
The testimony continued but Spencer couldn't listen. He couldn't focus on what the sailor was saying. All he could think about was Hankel, the drugs, and the feeling of shooting up. He understood what the sailor was saying. He knew how it felt to suddenly be without pain. He couldn't stop the craving that was slowly working its way into his mind. It was an aching hunger that no food or drink could curb. It was an itching in his arm, in his hands to reach for a needle. It was a craving from the very depths of his soul. He couldn't do it though. He couldn't compromise his sobriety now, not over this. He just needed to get out of here, away from the reminders. He tried to think about anything other than what was being said before him, about the drugs.
"Lead me not into temptation," he murmured to himself while everyone was leaving the room but the board members. He just needed to get through deliberation and then he could call Aaron. Maybe he would call John? No, not John, yet. Maybe if talking to Aaron didn't work. Aaron always helped though, he understood.
Adam was starting to get worried. Normally, he could count on Spencer to be a voice of logic, reason, and a by the book kind of officer when it came to rules and regulations. His behavior during the deliberations was unnerving. He was too quiet and just went along with whatever Adam and the senior member were saying. He appeared very distracted and nervous. In fact, Adam could see his foot shaking beneath the table. He was really getting worried for his friend.
As soon as the response was read to the respondent and the opposing counsels had their opportunity to object and finalize paperwork, Spencer bade a quick farewell to everyone and shot out of the conference room without looking back. Adam quickly gathered his things and raced after his friend.
The NOSC wasn't terribly large, but it was large enough to force Adam to spend a few minutes finding where Spencer had run. He eventually found him leaning against a wall behind the building, holding his cell up with one hand while the other was buried in his pocket. As he came up quietly he could hear Spencer's side of the conversation.
"It was hard, Aaron. It hurts right now. It itches. I don't know what to do," Spencer said quietly.
Whatever the mysterious Aaron said had Spencer responding quickly. "No! Absolutely not. I can't and I won't. I just don't know what to do until it goes away though. What do I do? It hurts." He was practically in tears by the time he was able to get that out. "No, there is no one here but I still shouldn't say anything."
Adam realized he needed to make his presence known before something too personal was said. "Spencer?"
He looked up in shock at his friend whose presence he had not even noticed until just then. "Aaron, I have got to go. I'll call you later if that is ok?" Pause, "Thank you, I'll figure it out." He closed the phone and turned towards Adam, his other hand still firmly in his pocket despite regulations against it. "What?"
"Hey, chill man! I was just worried. You were acting strange during the board and then you race out of there like someone was chasing you. I'm worried. You were fine earlier, what happened?"
Spencer sighed and fell back against the wall again. "I can't talk about it."
"Reid, you know you can talk to me about anything. I'm your friend, your shipmate! I've got your back!" Adam joked trying to get Spencer to lighten up.
"No, I can't talk to you about this. I won't do that to you," the vehemence in Spencer's voice had Adam physically backing away from Spencer. "Look, I just don't want to get anyone else involved. I work with Aaron and he understands the situation. There were just some things said at the board that gave me what amounts to flashbacks and I just needed help dealing with them. Aaron knows the full story he'll help me later. Until then, I think that drill is over for the day. Let's get dinner and a drink before we hit our racks."
It was hard not to notice how forced Spencer's request for a regular evening was. Still, Adam was worried for his friend and wanted to be there for him, no matter what. There was always the chance with them going for a drink that he could loosen Spencer's tongue that way too.
Spencer, meanwhile could not stop rubbing the coin in his pocket. He was gripping it so tightly that the edges were digging into his palm enough that he was afraid he would break the skin. However, that coin and the brief chat with Aaron were the only things stopping him from tracking down that sailor and asking who his dealer was in this area. He replayed everything Aaron had said in their brief conversation and reminded himself why he was still clean 2 years, 10 months and 3 days later. He would make it to 2 years 10 months and 4 days. He could do it. Adam would help distract him for now and Aaron would help distract him later. He had support, he had a goal, he could do this. He would stay clean.
