Chapter 10: Broken Glass
JPOV
Hunting and existing. Endless cycles.
I seemed to have gotten a split personality. One that is a predator, fierce, seductive and extremely deadly. And another that is nothing. Or at least tries to be nothing.
Until the thirst brings the hunter back. I hated both, but I let them take over anyway. The real me didn't want to take over anymore. The Jasper I had been was buried somewhere in the past.
Tomorrow I was nothing, yesterday I'll be.
I focus on the sun, rising and falling, the stars shifting across the sky. The endlessness of the universe and the endlessness of our doomed existance. Without her.
I had removed myself from their emotions, but that didn't mean I wasn't aware of them every single minute. I knew they were worried, and I couldn't console them. The harder they tried, the deeper I sank.
It's like I was living somewhere in a parallel universe. I knew they understood my pain, they felt it too, but somehow I was disconnected. Behind the looking glass. I could see the real world, I knew it existed, but I had no intention of reaching out.
So aware of everything and nothing seems for real.
Until a phonecall awoke me from that state.
They tried to call me several times a day, but I never as much as blinked. They didn't come over, figured I would pick up my phone as soon as I was ready to talk.
I still wasn't ready, but somehow I wanted to answer this call. So I slowly took my cell, clicked it open and said "Hello?"
"Hey bro, how are you holding up out there?"
"Um… I'm not?"
"I've been thinking, maybe we should get you away from here and go on a trip to the mountains?"
My hunting was a sore point and I wasn't up for discussing it. I understood why they wanted to get me back on the right track. But I couldn't do it. Not now.
So I told him "No thanks, Emmett."
I thought he was going to try persuade me with cougars and other wildlife, but instead he just let it go. Out of all Cullens, Emmett is the easiest to be around. He doesn't complicate things and he loves unconditionally.
Which had gotten a new meaning with my new life.
"You don't have to call me, Emmett, I'll be fine. I just need time."
"I'm not calling for you. I'm calling for me. I miss my brother. You know how boring Edward is."
I suppressed a little snicker. The two of us sometimes made fun of our brooding brother, who couldn't easily let go and just have fun, like we did. But the humor of his remark was in the fact that there was no possibility of anything more boring than me staring up at the sky for days in a row.
"I'm not much fun, Emm."
"Of course you're not. Stuck in that hole. You need to come out and play."
I do come out and play, but not the sort of play he meant.
"I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, I just can't be around you. Any of you. I've got no control over my gift, you'll suffer too much as well. Not to mention Edward reading…"
"Yeah, I figured that. But I've got this plan. You need to do this for me, I'm going insane here too. So hear me out, okay?"
I did and agreed to my own surprise.
He installed a laptop in the cabin that was connected to his, in the house. He had gone crazy in the city buying every possible mind-wracking game and we played day and night.
And that's how Emmett managed to break the glass. With only a single gesture, which he claimed to need out of selfishness.
After that, I wasn't so numb anymore. The 'Hunter' and the 'Nothing' were still there, just not twenty four seven.
And that's why I simply answered the phone when Bella called.
And why I was able to see her point of view after she spilled her guts to me and able to come to my senses a bit.
That night I didn't go hunting. I wanted to check on something.
I ran to her house and sat down against a tree in her garden. Immersing myself in her emotions again was familiar and welcome. But right now it gave me extra guilt as well. She wasn't doing better. At all.
She was exhausted, and more hurt than any human I felt before. It was my doing. In my opinion I had told her the truth, but what did I want to prove with that? Clear my own guilt?
I erased her phonecall from my mind because she had asked me to keep this from Edward and focused on my worry for her. He let me stay in the garden all night, probably wanted me to know what I had done to her. I heard her scream more than once and I felt her despair when she woke up, over and over again. In the morning she was even more spent then the evening before.
I had to make this right. I couldn't take back what I had said, but I needed to make it better anyway.
When Bella was having breakfast, Edward came out into the garden. His emotions were filled with concern. For both me and Bella.
"Jasper, I understand why you are here, but please try to see my point of view."
I just nodded.
"I'm willing to keep my silence about everything I see, although it disturbs me greatly. But can you please stay away from her?"
"I wasn't going to hurt her."
"Rationally no. But tell me honestly, how much of your time is spent rationally?"
"I'm in control, Edward. I'm more in control now than as a vegetarian."
"I want to believe you, Jasper, I really do. But this is not just any human. And I won't take any risks. I'll tell her you're sorry, okay?"
I nodded again and ran off before the phone call would pop in my mind again. She knew I was sorry, but that was clearly not enough.
So I waited for days until he finally left her alone again to hunt, and I called her back.
"Hello?"
"Um… Hi Bella. It's Jasper."
"Oh." She was silent, and suddenly I saw how ridiculous this was. Why am I calling the human girlfriend of my brother?
"Nevermind," I said, but before I hung up I heard her quickly recover.
"Wait. I just didn't expect you to call, that's all. And then I thought, maybe I should ask you how you are doing, but that seemed so insensitive. So I said nothing."
"It wouldn't be insensitive."
"Oh. Well, how are you doing?"
"Bad."
"Hmm."
"How are you?"
"Also a little bad."
That sounded unintentionally funny and I almost chortled. I know she felt more miserable than she ever felt in her entire life, but she was guessing that I felt worse.
"Have you been getting some sleep?"
"Bits and pieces… What do you do to fill your time?" She asked, and then gasped because she knew part of the answer. I quickly responded "Video games with Emmett."
"Oh. Sounds fun."
"Yeah. Actually, it is."
"Good."
"Good."
Awkward.
"So," we both said at the same time, and then both sniggered nervously.
"You first," she said.
"I didn't really have anything to say."
"Me neither," she answered and we laughed again. A sound I hadn't heard in what seemed like ages.
"I listen to music," she said. "It helps. Maybe you should do as well. Music can say more than words."
"What do you listen to?"
"Anything really. A lot of songs now have a meaning I never grasped before."
"So what song do you listen to today?"
"This week it's mostly Radiohead."
"Karma Police?"
"You know that?"
"Bella, I might be ancient, but my spirit stays young."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" she threw in anxiously.
"Relax, Bella, I don't bite." It was out before I could stop it. So out of place, me vampire, she human. But instead of gasping Bella started laughing really hard, as if I had made this joke on purpose. So I joined in. Hearing someones laughter mixed with my own made me feel again. Not good or bad. Just feel.
We talked like that for thirty minutes. About music first. Then about movies. And books. She always seemed like the overly shy plain girl next door, but in fact she had some interesting things to say.
And I think I maybe – almost – enjoyed talking to her.
AN: You think they will be compatible as friends?
If you like Darksper, you might like the new story Baruka Athena posted today as an entry for the "Show Us Your Dark Side Contest". It's called "Who are you?" and added to this profile's favorites. Enjoy!
